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"Quiet, Please... Quiet, Please."

Not many people today remember the golden age of radio horror. But those that do will never forget Quiet, Please.

Running from 1947 to 1949, Quiet, Please was written and directed by Wyllis Cooper (who had previously worked on another horror program, Lights Out — best known today from a Bill Cosby routine where he reminisces about the infamous "Chicken Heart" episode — in the 1930s), and starred Ernest Chappell. Nearly every episode took the form of Chappell's character narrating in the first person, recounting a story of something strange and horrifying that had happened to him (sometimes leading up to his demise). These tales would range from ghost stories to things that were... weirder.

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Though it ran for barely over 100 episodes, the show left a lasting impact. Rod Serling himself credited it as an influence on The Twilight Zone, both series sharing a mix of science fiction and horror episodes and often containing relevant social messages. The 60th episode of the show, "The Thing on the Fourble Board", is often credited (and rightly so) as the scariest radio program ever broadcast.

The series is available for free here. Not to be confused with the Tom and Jerry cartoon short "Quiet, Please!".


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The series provides examples of:

  • The All-Concealing "I": In a few stories, including We Were Here First", "Quiet, Please" and "Portrait of a Character", Chappell portrays a character who isn't human.
  • All Just a Dream: Most of "Baker's Dozen" turns out to be a dream in which the narrator dreams of his wife's trial for his murder. A prophetic dream.
  • Bizarrchitecture: The very first episode, "Nothing Behind the Door", is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. No, it's not an empty room. It's Nothing.
  • Christmas Episode: "Berlin, 1945". A squad of soldiers celebrating the holiday in the ruined city get a special visitor.
  • Cute Monster Girl: "Mike", in "The Thing on the Fourble Board".
  • Cybernetics Eat Your Soul: The narrator of "Is This Murder?" says that man was not meant to meddle around with human life by putting brains in robots, and that doing so would leave only the "evil" part of one's personality behind. The ending reveals that in fact the man is a brain in a robot body, and he has in fact lost his morality, and he is about to murder the listener as well as the two people who left him in that state.
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  • Cyborg: In "Is This Murder?", a man's brain is implanted into a robot body.
  • Dead All Along: It is obvious pretty early in "Baker's Dozen" that the narrator is a ghost at his own murder trial—he's the 13th person in the jury box, hence the title; no one can see him or hear him—but he takes a good long time to figure it out.
  • Deal with the Devil: In "Kill Me Again", protagonist Mr. Davis sells his soul to the Devil for a million dollars. It works out about as well as selling your soul to the Devil usually does.
  • Detonation Moon: The scientist in "If I Should Wake Before I Die" shoots a nuclear bomb at the moon as an experiment. He winds up accidentally destroying the moon.
  • Did You Just Romance Cthulhu?: "The Thing on the Fourble Board" ends with this, revealing that the narrator's wife "Mike" is actually the Eldritch Abomination that he pulled out of the ground.
  • Dreaming of Things to Come: Most of "Baker's Dozen" is the protagonist's dream, while passed out in a bar, of his wife on trial for his murder. Then when he comes home in real life and assaults his wife, it becomes clear that the dream will come true.
  • Druid: In "Not Responsible After Thirty Years", a man is transported from the 1940s back to Roman Britain after visiting a Druid circle.
  • Dug Too Deep: A Fourble board, for those who don't know, is part of an oil-drilling rig. How do you think the Thing of the title got up there?
  • Eerily Out-of-Place Object:
    • "The Thing on The Fourble Board". The oil drillers find a gold ring in the rock their oil drill has pulled out of the ground. The problem? That rock was a mile deep and had been a mile deep for a million years.
    • In "Whence Came You?", the narrator sees a beautiful woman in Cairo—then sees her portrait on a slab from a 2000-year-old tomb. Then he sees his own name, written by her, among the inscriptions in the tomb.
  • Eldritch Abomination: The title character of "The Thing on the Fourble Board". What is it? It's invisible, but very heavy, with a human woman's face, with a body that is—not human, to the extent that it reminds the narrator of spiders. How did it get there? What was it doing underground for a million years?
  • Flashback: The bulk of "The Time of the Big Snow"" is an extended flashback of a very strange moment in the lives of the two characters, when they were young children.
  • Foreshadowing: "Is This Murder?", an episode that eventually revolves around creating a robot Frankenstein, has the narrator saying that he needs to keep the lights down for his health, and declining to drink the sherry that he offers his guest. He also casually mentions "The Cask of Amontillado", a short story about a guy who lures his victim to an isolated place to murder him.
  • For Science!: "If I Should Wake Before I Die" has the scientist, who is conducting theoretical research that is leading to all sorts of horrifying, monstrous weapons, react in this way when a skeptic urges him to consider the moral implications of his research.
  • Halloween Episode: "Don't Tell Me About Halloween"
  • Invisible Monsters: "The Thing on the Fourble Board", which is as heavy as stone, and feels like stone, but is invisible. The narrator only confirms its presence by throwing red paint at it.
  • Jackass Genie: "Kill Me Again" has the narrator sell his soul to the Devil for a million bucks. The narrator gets his million, and is shot and killed immediately after.
  • Living Shadow: "There Are Shadows Here" has the narrator haunted by the shadow of a woman named Esther, a shadow that moves around by itself—and is following the narrator and calling for him.
    • Casts No Shadow: The man's fate, after Esther's shadow leads his shadow away. (This has also happened to the living woman Esther, whom he meets at the end.)
  • Never Grew Up: In "Clarissa", the narrator finally discovers at the end what the deal is with his landlord's mysterious unseen daughter Clarissa. She never grew up, but she aged—she is the size of a 10-year-old girl and she wears a little girl's dress and her hair is done up in pigtails, but she is white-haired and old.
  • New Year Has Come: "Rain on New Year's Eve"
  • No Fourth Wall: Some of the less serious episodes played merry hell with the fourth wall, sometimes implying that the characters knew they were fictional or could see the radio audience, or having Chappell's character speak directly to a specific person who his character knew would be listening to Quiet, Please.
    • In at least two episodes, the characters can hear the music score and wind up asking the performer (addressing him by name, in fact) to play louder or quieter.
  • Non-Actor Vehicle: Until Quiet, Please went on the air, Ernest Chappell was better known as an announcer and newsreader. Most episodes of the series have him carrying most of the running time as a narrator or raconteur.
  • Nothing Is Scarier: In some cases, quite literally.
  • Physical God: In "The Time of the Big Snow" two little children get lost in a blinding snowstorm. Just when things are looking dire, they stumble into the home of—the goddess Demeter.
  • Questioning Title?: "Is This Murder?"
  • Reality Changing Miniature: The silver globe in "The Man Who Stole A Planet". It might be the actual Earth, somehow, but if it isn't it's a Reality Changing Miniature—dropping a little water on it causes Biblical rainstorms in the real world, tapping it causes massive earthquakes in the real world. See also Recursive Reality below.
  • Recursive Reality: "The Man Who Stole A Planet" has an archaeologist finding an old Mayan underground chamber with an inscription saying "The place where the world lives." Inside he finds a little silver globe the size of a baseball, which is an accurate rendition of the Earth. Only it turns out that it is the Earth. When the man flicks a little bit of water on the northern Africa part of the globe, the radio broadcasts a report of cataclysmic rainfall and flooding in the Sahara Desert. When the man pokes Minnesota on the globe with a needle, the radio broadcasts a second report of a massive earthquake in Minnesota. This raises the question of whethere there's a very very very tiny man somewhere on the baseball-sized globe, possibly with a little silver globe of his own.
  • Science Is Bad: Well, it's bad in "If I Should Wake Before I Die", when a scientist with no conscience conducts research that leads to increasingly terrifying weapons, until he blows up the moon.
  • Second-Person Narration: Many episodes. If the narrator addressing the audience doesn't count, there are still episodes like "The Thing on the Fourble Board" and "Is This Murder?" where the narrator is telling the story to another character in-universe.
  • Seductive Mummy: The gorgeous woman that intrigues the narrator in "Whence Came You?" turns out to be the daughter of Osiris, entombed 16,000 years.
  • Shout-Out: The title of Episode 59, "It's Later Than You Think", about a magic time-travelling watch, is a reference to the Tag Line of Lights Out.
  • Shown Their Work: Most episodes revolved around Chappell's character doing a job of some kind, many of which had lots of interesting information about it.
  • Significant Name: The demon who buys Mr. Davis's soul in "Kill Me Again" is called "Hellman".
  • Signing-Off Catchphrase:
    "And so, until next week at this same time, I am quietly yours, Ernest Chappell."
  • Spooky Photographs: Inverted in "Thirteen and Eight", where the photographer keeps seeing a man who never shows up in the pictures.
  • Theme Tune Cameo: "Come In, Eddie", "12 to 5", "The Evening and the Morning", and "Symphony in D Minor" feature the show's theme tune (Cesar Franck's Symphony in D Minor) in the story. In "The Evening and the Morning" it's the special song of a widow and her late husband.
  • Time Travel: In "Not Responsible After Thirty Years", a man goes to an ancient Druid circle at midnight on the summer solstice, and is swept back in time to AD 410 and the end of Roman Britain.

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