[After seeing a nuclear weapons test]
"You can't have this kind of war. There just aren't enough bulldozers
to scrape the bodies off the streets."
"It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fanfiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet, Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!" So c'mon, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it!
Yeah lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning
now and then. What about you, China? You've got loads
of people to spare, you selfish bastards."
Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors! I do not "like" var. I. Love.
Var. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of var. You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who vorks half as hard as you do drive down ze street in his Porsche. "Class war!" You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today. Und you just
so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful
parents! "Drug war." But zen, you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers. "Race war!" Zen, you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong! "Flame War
." You finally get home, and you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "Vat's in the box?" "How much is vat's in the box vorth?" "Storage Wars
." (chuckle) Hmm...
Vat I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is zat I am a purveyor of war. And wis your help over ze years, ve are now at ze precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars... Und certainly
, no Cold Wars! Blueballed for 40 years...
Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true var!
var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."