Smart aleck in audience: "Ejaculator man!"
Clive: "Come again?" (audience explodes)
Clive: "'Waxing my bikini line'? I don't know how you can tell from there..."
Clive: "Yes... and little else..."
Film, Tv, Theater Styles
Tony: It's the plumbing, isn't it?
Paul: It's the plumbing, the floorboards - rather the lack of them, there's no roof, no walls, it's just a building site with a card with Your House written on it...
Paul: Not Stavrost, surely!
Tony: No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died.
Paul: That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?
Ryan: Y'know, the hippos around here are quite fierce too - you wouldn't think of them as meat animals, but they can rip a man apart.
Colin: What about a woman?
Ryan: ...Well, a woman can rip a man apart too, but...
Mike: (steps up) "It's the OJ Simpson trial, year 2526..." (buzzed)
Tony: (steps up) "Oh, it's that show where Clive patronises lots of different people around the world..." (buzzed)
Clive: "Don't bring Clive James into this!"
Tony: (steps up) "No, I meant Clive Anderson." (buzzed harder)
Mike: (steps up) "It's the OJ Simpson trial... Hey he's being represented by Clive Anderson! HA!" (buzzed)
Paul: Hello, my name's John Sessions.
Tony: (Steps up) Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Nix-oh dear. (Buzzed)
Tony: (Steps back. The audience groans and boos) Reconciliation...
Clive: Topical now, but it'll be great in six months time when this goes out.
Tony: He'll still be dead!
Scenes From A Hat
Ryan: (to his 'date') "Care for any more... turd?"
Clive: (reads another) "Bringing bad news to the king."
Chip: "My lord... the flies have eaten all your turd..."
Tony: (to Josie) "Algeria."
Rory: (as Prince Charles) "Camilla Parker-Bowles."
I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night
Now some people think they affect my circulation
But I..." (passes out on the floor)
We've got people who sleep soundly, you'll never hear them snore!
We've got trees and planes and things and things and things and things and things,
And everyone - EVERYONE - ...sings better than this."
Greg: "When I can to England, I met me a man,
He was shiny and bald - his name was Clive Anderson.
There was some confusion, I said 'Where's the freeway?'
He said, 'No, you silly twat, it's called a mo-tor-way'."
Home Shopping Channel
Ryan: It's four o'clock and...it's time to shop! I'm Gary!
Colin: And I'm Gary too!
Ryan: And boy have we got some bargains for you today, so get out those cheque books and get on that phone!
Colin: Hey Gary, what's that you've got in your hand?
Ryan: Well I've got pictures here Gary are they...oh! I don't remember taking these pictures!
Colin: Why, they seem to be pictures of someone totally someone different from you!
Ryan: Well that's lucky for me 'cause every member of my family is so damn ugly that I don't want to take pictures of them, but these are beautiful pictures. (Showing photos) Look how beautiful my wife is!
Colin: She's beautiful!
Ryan: Look how gorgeous my kids are!
Colin: They're beautiful!
Ryan: This is us in Tahiti, you know where that is?
Colin: ...It's beautiful!
Ryan: I don't know where that it because I've never been there - Or have I?? Who knows!
Colin: You can impress your friends, and...
Both: More friends! More of them!
Ryan: Say Gary, what's that, a pretzel?
Ryan: What is it?
Colin: Well what does it look like?
Ryan: Hmm. It looks like an umbrella, but it's not all there.
Colin: No it isn't. You know what, so many times pirates are going out, and they're wondering "Gee, you know those hooks are just killing me when I scratch my eyes."
Ryan (waves a photo): You mean pirates like this?
Colin: That's right! That's why we have these lovely new ceramic hooks, for the pirate that you love! Just attach, and then when they have an itch (scratches himself with it) No more eye patch!
Ryan: Say, I wonder if pirates can cook better with that.
Colin: Why of course! It's non-stick!
Ryan: Do you think you could make some onion gravy?
Colin: Onion gravy? That would be too much to hope for!
Ryan: Hey Gary, you know where the best onion gravy I ever had was?
Colin: No Gary!
Ryan: Paris Gary! Never been there - Or have I??
Colin: You know what? We're having a special for this night only. For the next three hours, we're selling enough cold onion gravy - you heard me right, onion gravy and it's cold!
Ryan: And if you call in less than ten minutes, (Pulls out photo) You get a picture of me with Gary's wife!
(Colin grins along, then looks puzzled - he and Ryan stare at each other - Clive buzzes them out)
"Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are like...
"At the end of the show, the winner gets to do a little something special with me...
"Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, I'm Drew Carey..."
"Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?..."
"...the show Nostradamus never saw coming."
"...the show the Emmys just don't have a category for."
"My name is Drew, Mr. Carey if you're nasty."
"...the second most popular show on ABC where the title asks a rhetorical question."
Film, TV, Theater Styles
Drew: "...fantasy, mystery... disaster, my sex life you just described... Porn, after-school special, what's the difference?"
Colin: (gesticulating) "Y'know, a lot of people find different reasons for liking certain bands."
Ryan: (even more gesticulating) "They do?! Do they really?!"
Colin: (smiling) "Yes, yes they do." (face turns fed-up immediately)
Colin: (smiling again) "Let's get back to more of the great CD hits we have on here. We've covered almost everyone - Oh no we haven't!"
Ryan: "Is something left?"
Colin: "There's more than something, there's KISS!" (tries to do Gene Simmons' tongue-waggle, audience laughs) "I always gag a little when I try that..."
Ryan: "I see, you got a little (indicating his teeth) something right there, a little bit of... (Colin picks his teeth) You got it, you got it."
Colin: "And who can forget that great KISS pregnancy song - It kinda links in a way, doesn't it?"
Ryan: "Yes, it does!" (pause for laughter) "One leads to the other!"
Colin: "I guess it does." (pat on Ryan's shoulder) "You'll find out. Anyway..."
(another pause as audience laughs and Ryan starts looking very glum indeed)
Colin: "That great KISS song - 'Ooh! Placenta!'"
(Ryan cracks up)
Colin: "You know what?"
Colin: "I love The Beach Boys!"
Ryan: "The Beach Boys?"
Colin: "I really do!"
Ryan: "That's on this album?"
Colin: "Oh, the amazing harmonies of the vocals, and the clear, crisp musical notes -"
Ryan: "-they had together!"
Colin: "Oh, they were amazing. And who can forget this great hit-"
Ryan: "I know I could never!"
Colin: "Oh, I tell you, this song will stay with you for hours. It is called: "I'm the Groom"."
[A quick guitar riff is played.]
Wayne/Brad: [singing, with backing music starting up in between "oohs"] "Ooooooooooh... ooooooooooh..."
Wayne: [singing] "I'm going to get married! / I'm gonna find myself a guy!"
[Beat, as Wayne realizes what he just said, and then breaks into laughter. The music plays some discordant notes as the song screeches to a halt - then Wayne leaps over to the piano and starts mashing random keys.]
Brad: [in thick British accent] "THE BAND'S HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK!"
Ryan: "That's a very special song on this CD set, because that's the exact moment they broke up as a group."
Colin: Just sit back and enjoy this - well, what you're about to see - from that great breakdance hit, "Asteroid Boogaloo."
(After about ninety seconds of dancing with Wayne, Colin rushes back to his stool, to uproarious applause.)
Ryan: Wow! Is that the - *audience calms down* Is that the only shirt you have?
Colin: *Pauses to catch his breath* Why don't you talk for a while?
* Everyone else laughs*
Ryan: Wow! Still tired, and they shot that two weeks ago! *Colin nods* Huh. Well!
Scenes From A Hat
Wayne: (girly voice) "Hurt youu!"
Ryan: "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" (Wayne runs across)
Colin: "Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!"
(Goes out and comes back again)
Colin: "Get my brown pants!"
Wayne: "Every last one of us will defend the Alamo! Correct?... What the hell?..."
Drew: "Where the hell are my brown pants, I asked for 'em..."
Colin: "I do murals with my own feces!" (buzzed out)
Drew: "Some big city mayors in this country say that's not art, well I say they're wrong! (takes next card) Bizarre ways to describe the taste of a wine."
Wayne: (mimes sipping something) "This taste like a painting by Colin Mochrie!"
Drew: "Dangerous things to do while driving."
Colin: (mimes driving, taking his clothes off, soaking them, spinning them around outside the window)
Drew: "What are you doing?"
Colin: "I'm doing the laundry... Because of my artwork."
(Then, Wayne is about to come down but goes back onto the ledge)
Drew: Go ahead. No, go ahead, please.
Chip: "All right, this is a stickup! Does anybody have a gun I could use?"
Wayne: [pretending to hold a TV remote] "Tccch! Yeah, I love you too. Tccch!"
Drew: "Scenes from Wayne's real life!"
[Wayne looks mildly insulted. Drew moves on to the next card.]
Drew: "People you wish would just shut up."
Wayne: (Mimicking Drew fetching a scene from the hat) "People you wish would just shut up."
Colin: [as Snagglepuss] Rosebud, even!
Wayne: (smoking) Hi, I'm Bea Arthur.
Ryan: (pretends to type) C-A-R-E-Y...(mimes frantically pressing backspace, and then picking up his computer and throwing it out the window)
Drew: Careful! Careful what you wish for, buddy.
Drew: Let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat! It's for all of you. Now, before every show, we ask the audience to write different suggestions out for stuff
Robin Williams: (looking inside the hat) What's the dead rabbit for?
Drew: My old career.
Ryan: (Broadway style) Things are great in the CITYYY! The city, the city, the city! (buzzed)
Greg: (singing) Well, my woman stayed true and I'm sober! (buzzed)
Ryan: Oh I've been on the range, 45 days, and that cow's looking good to me... To me... (buzzed) To me... (buzzed again)
Drew: Unlikely. (buzzing) Unlikely cowboy songs. (Ryan steps off)
Wayne: Oh I can't wait, to go to Harlem / I can't wait, all night long, HEE-HEE!!
Greg: (to Wayne) And have a good first day of school! Daddy's gay.
Wayne: Thank y(Double Take)
Brad: Show me booty!
Colin: Is that your final answer?
Brad: I'd like to go for what's behind zipper #1.
(Greg and Wayne walk out)
Greg: So, if you buy a full-term annuity policy, that would cover- (Wayne pretends to press a button on his shirt, making transporter sound effects) Come back, we haven't bought fire insurance...
Wayne: (badly impersonating John Wayne) It's time for my John Wayne impression... (pretends to beam out)
(Greg and Wayne walk out, pretending to be in bed)
(Greg and Colin walk out)
Greg: So, anyway, I'm an insurance salesman, and-
(Colin pretends to point a remote control at Greg. Greg stumbles drunkenly and puts his arm around Colin's shoulders.)
Greg:(Slurring) This's the best party I've ever been to!
(Greg and Wayne walk out)
Greg: Thank you for coming out with me tonight, Yvonne.
(Wayne fast forwards Greg, who proceeds to hump him, breathing heavily. Wayne fast forwards again, and Greg staggers away from him. Wayne mimes smoking a cigarette.)
Greg: (Crying)This never happens to me!
"...Yasser Yasser Threebagsfull."
"...Frank Lee Dontgiveadamn"
"...Lars Lars Pantsonfars"
Ryan: "Singing a song about a vending machine
Don't you know that it's really not my scene?
Tryin' to think of something clever with a little twist
If we do another Hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrists!"
All: "Slit my fucking wriiiiiiists!"
Ryan: I don't file my taxes every single year
I guess it's the IRS I really really fear
I guess that's bad of me, doesn't show a lot of class
But every time I do they seem to FUCK ME UP THE ASS!
Chip: My wife caught me with a prostitute
She came into the room, and she began to shoot.
And then she went and yelled, all around the town
"I know there's more prostitutes - I guess that's one ho down."
Ryan:I don't like the Village People, think they're kind of rude.
Don't you know their lyrics can be kind of crude?
When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute,
But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.
Irish Drinking Song
Drew: With my luh...girl Elaine (botches line)
Colin: Boy, we had some fun
Ryan: And then- ALUHELAAHHH!!! (yells gibberish at Drew)
Wayne: (collapses in hysterics)
Drew: (doubled over in laughter, embarrassment)
Wayne: I don't know what has happened
Drew: She wrote me a letter
Colin: My underwear's a-snappin'!
Ryan: I think there was a girl involved
Wayne: ...That's what I'm thinkin'...
Drew: ...I don't know what to say...
Chip: We went out for the night!
Colin: As we hit the parking lot!
Ryan: I got into a fight!
Wayne: Scuffle, he took my wallet!
Chip: And ran away so fast!
Colin: I started crying!
Ryan: (trying to think of a line)....A stone I passed!
All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!
Colin: I ran right after him!
Ryan: I jumped into my car!
Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim!
Chip: I put on my siren!
Colin: And it roared out loud!
Ryan: He came to a stop!
Wayne: And beat me in front of a crowd!
Ryan: I hit him with a club!
Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine!
Chip: He says "Hey! Watch it bub!"
Colin: And then he ran away from me!
Ryan: I followed him!
Wayne: I became a hero!
Chip: And my name is Tim!
Wayne: From... often!
Chip: He writes a little letter!
Colin: ...It's as soft as cotton!
Ryan: And someday I'll write back!
Wayne: He's my best friend!
Chip: And now we both are penpals!
Colin: He put my stone back in my end!
Colin: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee,
Colin, Wayne and Chip: (Wayne and Chip try to finish the chant) Di-dee, di-dee, di!
Wayne: (pointing back) One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater.
Ryan: (looking at Wayne's genital area) Hair.
Wayne: (pointing at Ryan's genital area) Shaft!
Brad: "If you don't mind me asking, sir, where in town do you have this building?"
Karen: "...Wait till I tell my husband you call me a 'him'!!"
Brad: "Oh... I got confused by the mustache, I'm sorry..."
Ryan: "Alice still owes me for half the mirror, so I would have to agree with the Dutch girl."
Karen: "Actually I'm Flemish ('Phlegm-ish')!"
Wayne: "Can't you see I'm trying to turn up the water sprinklers?"
Drew: "Have you ever been in a hotel that was this wet and hot all at the same time?"
Wayne: "Ever been to San Francisco?"
Ryan: "You're Canadian?!"
Colin: "Can't you tell?"
Ryan: "Have you ever heard of a town called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan?"
Colin: "Isn't that right beside... Left... Noob?"
Brad: (as Mr. Barnsdahl) Will you hand me a scalpel, Mrs. Carmichael?
Wayne: (as Scooby-Doo) Ruh-oh, I have to use the bathroom.
(buzzed, Wayne looks confused)
Wayne: Ruh-oh? I have to use the bathroom?
Brad: What about all your animal friends?
Colin: Hey! Animal friends are there to be animal friends! If they can't handle being a carpet...
(the audience groans)
Colin: I may have said too much...
Ryan: How does the partner feel about this?
Colin: Well, he is a little worried since he depends on me for income... (the audience laughs) I might want to rephrase that later... (Brad raises his hand) Yes?
Brad: You might want to rephrase that now.
Scene to Rap
Greg: Well come on in, I'm Mr B
You need a new do as I can see.
You've got your mag and you've got your dryer
I can fix you up, you go higher. Say ho!
Wayne: Say ho!
Greg: Say ho!
Wayne: Say ho!
Now you see I walked in here with a limp.
All I want is a perm and a little crimp.
That's why you better step back to your brother,
Because you get the dye, give my hair a little colour.
Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me now,
I wanna get my hair wide as a cow
Moo moo hey moo moo hey hey!
Greg: I'm gonna do your hair, do it quick.
I'm gonna fix up this natty quick.
When you walk outta here, you gonna be a mudder
You gonna get all the udder!
Ryan: I wonder if I could get an appointment today?
Oh, boy, I'm bothered by all the hairspray.
Don't mean to complain, just ordinary folk,
But I think I'm having a little bit of a stroke.
The spray! (Falls to his knees, clutching his chest')Get it out, of the way, the spray.
Colin: Hey there, people, I'm really mad.
Look, what you've done has made me sad.
I came in here, now I go,
I came in with a big afro!
Look what happened, now it's gone.
(Points at Wayne) I'm gonna kill you - and you too! (Points at Greg)
(Starts doing random dancing)
Ryan: I think I'm dying.
(Colin continues dancing)
Ryan: I think I'm dying; I'm gonna go south,
Unless someone wants to give me mouth to mouth. (Lays on the floor)
Wayne: All this stuff that's happening, it's not illegal,
(To Colin) Oh, look at you, you're bald as an eagle!
(Starts doing CPR on Ryan) What can I, what can I say?
This has been one weird-ass day!
Wayne: "Why I gotta be the thief?" (laughter erupts)
Drew: "I dunno... Maybe you should count your blessings, if this was NBC you probably wouldn't even be on this show..."
Wayne: (quietly mouthing) "How come I gotta be the monkey?"
Drew: "Let's go on to a game called 'Let's Make a Date'. this is for all four of you, Wayne, you're going on a dating-type show... oh."
(Wayne is already on his feet when the audience erupts)
Greg: "Excuse me, Captain Alzheimer?
(audience explodes, Greg does a Pstandard Psychic Pstance)
Greg: "Go to the third card, Drew..."
Drew: (touches cuecard to head) "What is... Greg's next job."
Wayne: "That's gonna get me in good with all the brothers and sisters in the motherland..."
Ryan: "Don't you live in Sherman Oaks?"
Or I'll shove a hook right up your end!
...gerr-wah-rurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl- URABABADAZEEYABABAGAFLYAAAHH!!!" (shouts gibberish)
Ryan: (calming him down) Hey, hey, hey!
Ryan: What the hell happened there? Are you okay?
Colin: You know, if you talk like that, it puts them off balance...
Brad: "What better way to end the show than with some moonin,' dudes?!"
(buzzer, game ends)
Drew: (to Wayne) "Are you serious...?" (to audience) "Wayne just said to Brad, 'I would have done it with you but I have a G-string on'."
Wayne: "Yes, I d... (Beat) Hey! It gives me support, wassup?!"
Ryan: "It's not like it's a leopard G-string... is it...?"
Drew: "I thought you were joking around."
Brad: (Jive Turkey on) "It's a G-string..."
Wayne: "When I'm hangin' with my homies."
Ryan: Before you come, Tarzan only have animals. Animals think Tarzan forget about them now! (the audience laughs) I meant as FRIENDS!
(after first verse)
Wayne: He's Howard - H-O-R-W-A-R-D, yeah yeah... Oh Howard—
(music suddenly speeds up)
(Wayne, Greg, Colin, and Ryan adjust their dancing speed accordingly; Laura is shown doubled over with laughter)
Wayne: Howard, can you last? Howard, how'd this song get so damn fast? Oh Howard...
Greg/Colin/Ryan: Hey! Hey! HeyHeyHeyHey!
Wayne: Howard! H-O-R! Howard! W-A-R-D! Howard! H-O-R....
(Wayne looks back to see the others' frantic dancing and starts laughing too hard to continue; the song ends as everyone laughs)
Drew (to Laura): You had a little equipment breakdown, right? What happened to the...?
Laura: Um, it's hard to explain... (breaks down into laughter) ...I'm so sorry.
Drew: That's okay. Y'know, I didn't know the Village People even did polkas! That was really fun!
Colin: I don't think it was that noticeable.
(Drew imitates their dancing)
Drew: Man, it was like a wind-up monkey.
Greg: Watch out for those tempo changes, maaan. 'Cause when we go into the second bridge, the sh-(bleep) takes off!
(Drew thanks Howard, who returns to his spot into audience; the cast returns to their seats)
Drew: Howard, or as Wayne spells it, "Horward".
Wayne: Yeah. (audience and cast laugh) Man, if you're not in my mind, you don't know know what I'm thinkin', know what I'm saying? You gotta - you gotta bring that around.
Drew: Yeah. Thank you very much, Horward. If this ever makes it to air, I'll be so amazed. H-O-R-W-A-R-D! HORWARD! (imitates music) HORWARD!
Wayne: It's hard to spell at 210 beats per minute.