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Quotes / Who's on First?

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Abbott: Now that I'm glad that's all cleared up, he's Who, and What's his name.
Costello: I don't know!
I Don't Know: Alright gentlemen, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Look, it's very simple — this fella's actual name is Who, W-H-O; and this fella's actual given birth name is What, W-H-A-T.
Costello: Well, that clears it up! Why didn't ya just say that in this first place? ...But wait, who are you?
I Don't Know: I Don't Know.
Abbott, Costello, Who, and What Together: Third base!

Chrom: So perhaps you'd like to tell me your name?
Nah: Nah.
Chrom: Look, if I somehow offended you, I apologize. But you could at least—
Nah: No, NAH. N-A-H. That's my name. Ugh, why does this always happen...

Ace Yu (to the bartender): I am Yu.
Bartender: You are me?
Ace: No, Yu! Y-U. (The Bartender looks confused) Look, it's simple: Yu is me!
Bartender: Yu is you?
Ace: Right.
Bartender: So who is me?
Ace: Oh! Wu is you? Pleased to meet you, Wu!
Bartender: Now I am confused...
Ace: But you used to be Wu!
Bartender: What?
Ace: ... Call me Ace. [...] In what manner did [my uncle] die?
Bartender: Police said it was an accident. [...] But truth is, it was Them. He wouldn't pay Them the property of the Doghouse, so Them got angry.
Ace: You mean they got angry.
Bartender: Why would they got angry? It was Bugsy who killed him!
Ace: Bugsy who?
Bartender: No, Bugsy Them!
Ace: Now I am confused...
Bartender: But you used to be Yu! Hey, I think I am getting a hang at this!

Duckula: Who are you?
Hoomite I am Hoomite, high priest of the great god Ra! And this is my assistant Yube!
Yube: Delighted, I am sure!
Duckula: Mhm... Hello...
Hoomite: Who might you be?
Duckula: Yes, I got that!
Hoomite: No! Who might you be?
Duckula: I know, I know, you said that already!
Hoomite: So, you will not tell me?
Duckula: I hardly need to, do I?
Hoomite: We shall see about that! Yube you try!
Yube: Very well, master! (to Duckula) Listen: I am Yube, right?
Duckula: No, wrong! I am, you are!
Yube: O! There master, he is Yuare!
Hoomite: So you are Yuare?
Duckula: I am not! I am not!
Hoomite: You are Noth! He is not Yuare, he is Noth!
Yube: You are Yuare!
Duckula: I am NOT Yuare!
Yube: O, call me not Yuare! I am not Yuare, I am Yube!
Duckula: Look, let's get it sorted out, okay? I am not Noth! Okay? (they nod) I am not Yuare! Okay? (they nod again) But you are Hoomite, and you are Yube! Okay? (they nod again) Phew...
Hoomite: But...
Duckula: Yes?
Hoomite: Who might you be?

Rat: Whose drummer was Keith Moon?
Goat: Right.
Rat: Whose?
Goat: Yes.
Rat: What's the name?
Goat: Watts is the drummer for the Rolling Stones.
Rat: I don't care about the Rolling Stones. Whose drummer is Keith Moon?
Goat: You are correct there.
Rat: Where?
Goat: Weir was the guitarist for the Grateful Dead.
Rat: How is he relevant?!
Goat: Howe is the guitarist for a different band.
Rat: Who?!
Goat: Yes.
Rat: The who?!
Goat: No, Yes. Who's guitarist is Pete Townshend.
Rat: I don't know!!
Rat: (armed with bat and addressing Stephan Pastis) When would you like this hit?
Stephan: Winwood's the guitarist for Traffic.

Bulla: Well as you can clearly see, I'm not a cat.
Agent 3 : And yer a what, instead?
Bulla: I'm a Saiyan.
Agent 3: I see you are saying, but what are you?
Bulla: I'm Saiyan.
Agent 3: Yer sayin' yeah, but sayin' what?
Mana : No, like, her race is called "Saiyan".

Roy: I'm so confused. I try to figure out where the king guy is from, and they think I'm the king of Someplace Else.
Pepe: Not at all, sir. Someplace Else has a democracy.

Wizard: [Justice] was likely created as a giant F-U to poor Sol by That Man.
Boomstick: ...which man?
Wizard: That Man.
Boomstick: I only see Sol Badguy.
Wizard: No, no, it's That Man.
Boomstick: It's just you and me here, Wiz.
Wizard: Listen, the villain is That Man.
Boomstick: Sol Badguy's the hero and villain?!
Wizard: No, no! He's another character! Just pretend Sol Badguy's not there!
Boomstick: WELL, F-U-C-K-SPACE-Y-O-U!!! I'M OUT!!!
(Some time later)
Boomstick: So, I looked at the internet and discovered that his actual name is "That Man". I apologize for earlier. Let's move on.

Sunshower: So where do these clouds go?
Open Skies: Over by Clear Skies.
Sunshower: But there's clear skies everywhere.
Clear Skies: Yo, Clear Skies right here!
Sunshower: But there's clear skies over there, too! (points towards Open Skies)
Clear Skies: That's Open Skies!
Sunshower: There's open skies everywhere!
Open Skies: I'm not everywhere. I'm right here!
Sunshower: (sighs) Wait. So you're Open Skies, and you're Clear Skies. Then what's all that? (points to the sky around them)
Clear and Open Skies: Open, clear skies!
Open Skies: Hey, where'd our fluffy clouds go?
Clear Skies: Fluffy Clouds? He's over there!
(Fluffy Cloud waves)
Stabler: (over the store's PA) Will the "Master Baiter" please report to register one? "Master Baiter", register one.
(one homely young man hangs his head and walks slowly, shamefully, to the front)
Benson: (over the store's PA) Not a "masturbater", the "Master Baiter".

Pedro: Say, what's the name of your planet, anyway?
Alien: Our planet?
Pedro: Yes, your planet! What's its name?
Alien: Owrplannit!
Pedro: Yes! It's your planet, right?
Alien: Right! Our planet!
Pedro: Then you know its name!
Alien: Of course!
Pedro: What is it?
Alien: What?
Pedro: The name of your planet!
Alien: It's "Owrplannit!"
Pedro: I know it's your planet! But what's its name?
Alien: I told you its name!
Pedro: What is it?
Alien: "Owrplannit!"
Pedro: It's our planet?
Alien: Right!
Pedro: My planet, too?
Alien: No!
Pedro: You said it's our planet!
Alien: It is!
Pedro: But not my planet?
Alien: No!
Pedro: So it's our planet, but not my planet?
Alien: No!
Pedro: Why not?
Alien: "Miplannit" is in another galaxy!
Pedro: My planet is?
Alien: Yes!
Pedro: So my planet is not our planet?
Alien: No. How could it be?
Pedro: (to himself) In my wildest dreams I never imagined I'd be aboard an alien spacecraft doing Abbott and Costello!

Kida: Cookies are sweet, but yours is not, Sweet is kindly but that's not his name, Audrey is sweet, but she is not your doctor, and the little digging animal called Mole, he is your pet?
Lead Predator: Fine! Neither of us will take his skull! We'll just let Time kill him and piss on his corpse.
(Suddenly, a third predator shows up, raising its claw in front of the helpless victim)
Predator 3: Hi. I'm Time. (kills the human)

Sauza: Ha! You sink this is Freeza? No. He is... Cooler.
Goku: Cooler than Freezer? You must be ice cold!
Cooler: No, that would be my father.
Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Revenge of Cooler

<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization quote

Kaecilius: You'll die defending this world, Mister...
Strange: Doctor.
Kaecilius: Mister Doctor?
Strange: It's "Strange".
Kaecilius: Maybe. Who am I to judge?

Aquamarine: Let's see. Yellow Diamond asked for a Mydad, a Connie, a Lars, a Sadie, a Mailman, and an Onionithink. Six human variations specified in a report by Peridot-5XG.
(Steven gasps in realization, triggering a flashback to when he met Peridot in "Marble Madness")
Steven: Oh no, there's lots of humans. There's my dad, Connie, Lars and Sadie, the mailman, Onion... I think.
(back in the present)
Steven: The list!
Steven Universe, "I Am My Mom"

Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.
Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.
Oveur: Unger.
Unger: Oveur.
Dunn: Oveur.
Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
Simon: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?
Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.
Dunn: Yep.
Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.
Unger: Yep.
Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.
Unger: So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.
Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Screenwriter: Are you familiar with It?
Producer: With what?
Screenwriter: It!
Producer: What's "it", though?
Screenwriter: The name of the book!
Producer: What is?
Screenwriter: No... It is!
Producer: What?
Screenwriter: It!
Producer: (confused silence) ... What is the name of the book?
Screenwriter: "It" is the name of the book!
Producer: What is?
Screenwriter: It!
Producer: You gotta help me out here, man!
Screenwriter: Okay... there's a book!
Producer: Right.
Screenwriter: There's a title written on the front of that book.
Producer: Of course!
Screenwriter: That title...
Producer: Yes?
Screenwriter: ... is "It"!
Producer: Right!
Screenwriter: ... You understand?
Producer: Yes.
Screenwriter: You know what the title is, now?
Producer: I do!
Screenwriter: Tell me the title.
Producer: ... I don't know the title.
Screenwriter: It's "IT"! The book is called "It"!
Producer: Oh, "It" is the title!
Screenwriter: Yes!
Producer: Why didn't you just say that?
Screenwriter: I... (gives up) I don't know.
Producer: This movie's gonna be hard for people to goggle!
Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, probably!

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