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Quotes / What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?

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Anime and Manga

I can only make Japanese snacks. I am a bullshit magician.
Junichi, in the Da Capo Visual Novel.

Comic Books

It's useless, that's what it is! Ma-Ti is the weakest one of all! Haw haw haw!
Wheeler answering himself asking the trope name in issue #3 of the Captain Planet Comic Book

You see, I come from the planet Bismoll! Gradually, over a period of eons, microbes made all food there poisonous... Just as gradually, evolution transformed my race so we could eat anything without being harmed! I know what's on your mind! You're thinking!... "So he's an unusual freak! So what? That doesn't qualify him for Legion membership!" But you're wrong— No matter where or how a foe ever imprisons us, I could always eat our way to freedom!
Matter-Eater Lad, Legion of Super-Heroes

Fan Works

"You make people happy. That's your superpower."
"Really? Gosh. That seems kind of cheesy," laughed SpongeBob.
"What do you mean?" scowled Barnacle Boy, standing up straight and placing his hands on his hips indignantly. "I thought you of all people appreciated the power of friendship."
"Oh, I do," assured SpongeBob, "It's just... that's not a real superpower. I can't make water balls or assemble the creatures of the deep."

Supergirl rarely used the power of super-hypnotism. It was more of a skill, developed by Superman’s teaching and reinforced by her super-brain and super-vision. Now, she decided it was time to give it a try.

Dumbledore: ... The spell we know as love.
Harry: Lame!

Mister Midnight and Midnight Maid reached in their belt-pouches and came up with weapons. Chuck's was the blackout device, Joyce held the Torch. She activated hers a second before his and blasted the Poet's eyes with a ray of intense brightness. A second later, Chuck's gimmick projected a cone of blackness, engulfing their foe.
"Confound it!" griped the Poet, floundering about. "They didn't give me a power to deal with this!"

Film — Live-action

Chicken: You know the chickens are always ready to help you any way we can. But as you know...
Squeezit: What can chickens do?
Chicken: Precisely.

Dulcea: Adam... Adam, what's wrong?
Adam: [disappointed] I'm a frog.

The city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots, and I have a bow and arrow.


I couldn't believe it when I figured out your powers. I mean, could they be any more pathetic?
Yana Savari, Fingerprints


Marina Sirtis: I can't watch my performance in the pilot.
Wil Wheaton: But you're feeling so much pain!
Sirtis: (This is how they mock me.)
LeVar Burton: And sadness!
Star Trek: The Next Generation, 25 Anniversary panel

Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooohh, this could be a little more sonic"?

She has the power to turn people bald?! That is rubbish - (points around dramatically) Bald! Bald! Bald!
Nathan, Misfits


My power is so ridiculous.

Video Games

Your superpower, Create Organizational Carts, makes you a born leader of superheroes.

Web Animation

Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that the exact same power as a man with a gun?

Web Comics

Andrew Hussie: [Doze] is slow.
Andrew Hussie: It just is.

Octopus: The Pain. His special ability was being covered in bees.
Wolf: Zat's a special ability?
Octopus: I sure can't do it.

Web Original

Killing Top Man was the key to getting Mega Man's most useless Power-Up. The Top Spin took away all the barriers we'd put up between video games and figure skating.

Look, we've all heard the constant jokes about how Aquaman sucks because he talks to fish lol, and I will 100% agree with you that they are terrible, lazy gags that have been beaten so far into the ground over the past three decades that I'm amazed nobody struck oil. Worse, they became a shorthand for superheroes as a whole, so that anyone who wanted to look down on the entire genre of superhero comics — and frequently the entire medium — could smirk their way through repeating them ad infinitum... But the thing is, they're not exactly crafted from whole cloth. The thing that really makes them sting, that made them the ultimate superhero reader put-down for so long, and the thing that Aquaman's ardent defenders don't want to admit is that they're true.

You have to give the creators of the newspaper Spider-Man credit for always exploring new frontiers of total lameness on the part of their characters. In one corner, we have Big Time, a criminal mastermind so committed to his laughable clock theme that he has some sort of clock-shaped pop-gun that spits out its minute hand as ammunition and is thus presumably useless after two shots; and in the other, we have the Amazing Spider-Man, who boasts of his 'spider reflexes,' which will help him dodge a projectile that hasn’t managed to cover about three feet of space in the time its taken him to thought-balloon a sentence and a half — only to have said reflexes completely disabled by a loud noise. Determining the winner in this battle will be like a philosophical conundrum: can an object with no mass be moved by an infinitely weak force?

Magneto finally realizes that it was Cortez who launched the missile, trying to provoke Magneto into wiping out humanity. Magneto confronts him, but it turns out that he’s grown dependent on Cortez’s powers, which are… uh… hang on… 'the ability to bolster another mutant’s power.' So he’s basically the s**tty class in an MMORPG. No wonder he’s so mad all the time.
—The X-Men Episode Guide, "Sanctuary, Part 1"

So... basically, Ed's miracle machine turns people into salivating morons who think they're seeing floating fish. You know, Ed, you could have saved yourself a lot of time and effort and just given him a dose of LSD.

Meanwhile, the Jackal's recruitment drive continues, this time hooking up with the Tarantula, a South American assassin with — get this — pointy shoes which he uses to stun or drug his enemies by kicking them. He's actually cooler than he sounds, but not by much.

Despite a range of powers that extend to "bright lights that can hurt a bit," Jubilee has been in every group and series with an "X" in the title except XXXtube (give it time)... They've tried for years to make her kick ass, equipping her with everything from graviton gloves through Pym Particles to antigravity plates. They even — no shit — turned her into a vampire, going so far as to transfuse her with Wolverine's blood. They even got rid of her stupid original powers, but it's a lost cause: If traumatic orphanization doesn't make you kick ass at fighting crime, nothing will. (Her main function is now as a living museum of the superheroic fashion mistakes.)

Web Video

A handful of swords in Lord of the Rings
Orcrist, Sting and lovely Glamdring
Magical blades that it was soon found
Would glow a bit blue when orcs were around
One wonders if it's that useful a feature
'Cause orcs aren't really the subtlest creature
Would your sword really spot them before
you do?
Whatever, it's also a thing that glows blue

At my most bad-ass, I make people feel like they want to take a shower.
Moist on his 'super power', Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

I'm just trying to figure out what I can do with a man whose weakness is room temperature.
Xavier fires Iceman, The Pete Holmes Show

He has the power to look like he's in the "Take On Me" music video and that is scary.


And he's got all sorts of other spells, but I seriously doubt the tickle charm is gonna help him much in the fight, so let's move on.

That kid got fuckin' screwed. That's not a power...Here's all my friends with these tangible cool fuckin' powers, and I get 'Heart'!" FUCK YOU!
Jenna Marbles on What Kid Shows Taught Me'''

Dumbledore: ... The spell we know as love.
Harry: Lame!

Western Animation

And Meltman! With the power to... (Dramatic Pause) MELT!

Wonderheart Bear: I have this crummy old heart. It could be anything.

Aquaman: My ability to speak with fish is of no help, Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman: (rolls eyes)

Super Sam: Anti Timmy Force Four? Sounds villainous to me.
Wet Willie: Please tell me they're near a coastline.
Dark Mark: This Anti Timmy Force Four must be plotting to take over this galaxy. We must crush them!
Wet Willie: -or pool? Perhaps a fountain?
Timmy: What? No! They were my friends!
Joan Jet: That's what they wanted you to think.
Dark Mark: I'll press these randomly beeping and colorful buttons to track down their exact location. (presses buttons)
Wet Willie: A tub? A damp sponge? Throw me a bone, will you? A wet bone.
The Fairly OddParents, "Power Pals"

Maybe we should've given you a better super-power...
Spongebob Squarepants, regarding Patrick's ice cream-based powers, The Spongebob Movie Sponge Out Of Water

Zarm forces the Planeteers to have individual uneven "battles" against him.
Ma-Ti: (bursting into tears) I cannot stop you, Zarm. My ring is the power of Heart, which allows us to love. Heart to care for our planet and friends. My ring will not touch you because... you have no heart!
Zarm: (laughing mockingly) You fool! It's Heart that makes you weak! So prepare yourself, weakling. (gets ready to kill Ma-Ti)
Captain Planet and the Planeteers, "Summit to Save Earth, Part II". Don't worry, the cavalry arrives just in time.

Zan: Wait a minute, how come I always change into something lame like ice? I'm always a wave or a puddle?
Jayna: I don't know, Zan. This isn't the time or the place to get into this.
Zan: Well when are we gonna talk about it?! What kind of superpower do I really have?! I mean, when you get right down to it—!
Jayna: Zan, relax!
Zan: I can be beaten by a sponge! It wouldn't even have to be an evil sponge!
Jayna: Just drop it, Zan!
Zan: I'm serious!
The Wonder Twins in a Cartoon Network editorial spot

Astral Projection? "Motion for the Motionless"? Yin-Yang? Aww, how come I get all the loser powers?


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