open/close all folders
Comic Books
"They, 'society,' hate you because they don't want your help. You remind them of how weak-willed and sheep-like and unspecial they are. How gleeful they are, deep down, to be ordinary. They don't want heroes. They don't want special people around them. Because if there are special people and they aren't one of them — well, who wants that? Who wants a constant reminder that they aren't even trying to be special? See, the difference between you and I is that you really are just a child. You benefit from the wide-eyed optimism of youth. I do envy that, somewhat. But... like many of your decisions in life... it's just naive. And I don't envy that harsh cold slap of reality that will come your way soon enough. But I guess it's inevitable. People don't want to be special. I do think that. It is my philosophy. They — people want to be told what to do and how to live and they want men like me to tell them. They want to go to work and do as little as they can possibly get away with, and they want a big cookie at the end of the day for doing it. And they want men like me to give it to them."
— The Kingpin to Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man
Comic Strips
Calvin: What's Santa's definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven't KILLED anybody. See, that's good, right? I haven't committed any felonies. I didn't start any wars. I don't practice cannibalism. Wouldn't you say that's pretty good? Wouldn't you say I should get lots of presents?
Hobbes: But maybe good is more than the absence of bad.
Calvin: See, THAT's what worries me.
Hobbes: But maybe good is more than the absence of bad.
Calvin: See, THAT's what worries me.
Calvin: I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he wants to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by me, even if it's just to get presents, should count as five good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! [Calvin nails Susie with a snowball]
Hobbes: Of course, in your case, the question is academic.
Calvin: I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!
Hobbes: Of course, in your case, the question is academic.
Calvin: I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!
Fanfics
"Oh, so you never smacked me and Sokka about, you listened to me sometimes, and you gave me an even break — That is how it should be dad!"(narrating) It was that obvious! It was that simple. My Dad spoke like the fact that he treated me well made him exemplary - when really, in a better world, it just would have made him typical.
Film — Live-Action
"Twenty years, you've been throwing that in my face, like it's some great thing, not eating me! Normal people don't even think about eating someone else! Much less that person having to be grateful for it!"
— Peter Jason Quill, Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
"Our vast great country has been turned into a beggar, while small islands the world over have become rich. Why is it this way? You think bribery doesn’t exist there? No! Bribery exists there too. But over there, bribes are accepted for being derelict in your duty! Over here, bribes are demanded for performing your duty."
— Senapathy, Indian
Simon Foster: Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act, okay, but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. Such as Section One, Paragraph One: don't leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey. [Mimicking Toby] "The British are coming!"
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?!
Simon Foster: No. You're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out and start plucking it shouting "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair! You got so much right... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks. You're a legend.
Toby Wright: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?!
Simon Foster: No. You're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out and start plucking it shouting "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair! You got so much right... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks. You're a legend.
Literature
It was disturbing that he was remembered for only the slightest of courtesies, and all the more so that those slight courtesies still exceeded the average.
— The Dark Profit Saga: Son of a Liche
Live-Action TV
Hughie: I came clean about it right away though, right? That's-that's... No secrets. That's gotta be worth some points, right?
Annie: You want points for not lying to me?
Hughie: I... would like to retract that statement.
Annie: You want points for not lying to me?
Hughie: I... would like to retract that statement.
D'Spayre: Ninety percent of the time, the people that come my way, I help. Give them counseling, choices, shelter. But the other ten percent... they can't be helped... so they help me.
Dagger: You're despicable.
Dagger: You're despicable.
Blon: I spared her life.
The Doctor: You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared... because she smiled, cos he's got freckles, cos they begged. And that's how you live with yourself, that's how you slaughter millions, because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction, you happen to be kind.
The Doctor: You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared... because she smiled, cos he's got freckles, cos they begged. And that's how you live with yourself, that's how you slaughter millions, because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction, you happen to be kind.
Amunet: You should really be more grateful, Caty. I haven't stabbed you, punched you, or shot any sharp pieces of metal at you.
Caitlin: [gives her a look]
Amunet: ...today!
Caitlin: [gives her a look]
Amunet: ...today!
"You're supposed to do good things because you're good! Not because you're seeking moral desert."
— Gen, The Good Place
Mac: I'm waiting for you guys to praise me.
Charlie: Uh, what?
Frank: Why?
Mac: 'Cause I'm doing something anti-racist, and I think I deserve praise for that, do I not?
Dee: You don't get praise for telling people you're not racist.
Mac: Then why am I doing it?
Charlie: Uh, what?
Frank: Why?
Mac: 'Cause I'm doing something anti-racist, and I think I deserve praise for that, do I not?
Dee: You don't get praise for telling people you're not racist.
Mac: Then why am I doing it?
Ava: It's not like you find me here runnin' whores or robbin' banks.
Raylan: Every long-time fugitive I've ever run down expects me to congratulate them for not doing what no one's supposed to be doing anyhow.
Raylan: Every long-time fugitive I've ever run down expects me to congratulate them for not doing what no one's supposed to be doing anyhow.
— The Grand Finale of Justified
"Of course. I forgot for a second that you're incapable doing something nice without expecting something nicer in return."
— Joan Harris (née Holloway), Mad Men
Stand-Up Comedy
"You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, 'I take care of my kids.' You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? 'I ain't never been to jail!' Whatchu want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectations-having motherfucker!"
— Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker
Video Games
Serra: Ah, Lord Oswin! What is it? Oh! I know! You came here to praise me!
Oswin: ...Why would you say that?
Serra: For my efforts... Because I’m trying so hard, right? I was out healing on the front lines and everything earlier. You saw how good I was, healing all our troops! And, and, and...
Oswin: Quiet, child. What you did was no more than expected.
Oswin: ...Why would you say that?
Serra: For my efforts... Because I’m trying so hard, right? I was out healing on the front lines and everything earlier. You saw how good I was, healing all our troops! And, and, and...
Oswin: Quiet, child. What you did was no more than expected.
— Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade, Serra and Oswin's supports.
Miss Minchin: Until now, I have been forced to do everything for her out of my pocket. But for me, she might have starved in the streets.
Mr. Carrisford: She might have starved more comfortably there than in your attic!
Mr. Carrisford: She might have starved more comfortably there than in your attic!
Carmine: What's his deal? Kiki should know better than to talk back to me like that.
Grandpa: That's enough, Carmine! Be kind to your younger brother.
Carmine: I WAS being kind! It's not like I hit him or anything!
Grandpa: That's enough, Carmine! Be kind to your younger brother.
Carmine: I WAS being kind! It's not like I hit him or anything!
"After months of ridiculous formalities, we have finally settled our parents' estate. It is absolutely despicable that they would try to leave half of the manor to my brother! After he left our family for YEARS to learn the art of swordplay like a rogue! Do they not care for their sweet and perfect princess?! The one who stayed here to take care of them while he traveled the world as if his whole life was an adventure?! It's unfair! COMPLETELY unfair!"
— Form, Soma Union
"I'm a compassionate man, or else I would've tossed you all into a bottomless pit by now!"
Visual Novels
"Just 'cause I tried to steal somebody's bride doesn't make me a murderer!"
— Larry Butz, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Spirit of Justice, Case 6-DLC: "Turnabout Time Traveler"
Webcomics
Agatha: ...and here I was worried that I wouldn't be any good at this.
Vanamonde: Heh. You have fifty generations of lowered expectations working for you.
Councilor 3: Two minutes, and she hasn't killed anyone!
Councilor 1: A new record!
Vanamonde: Heh. You have fifty generations of lowered expectations working for you.
Councilor 3: Two minutes, and she hasn't killed anyone!
Councilor 1: A new record!
Belkar: If you don't want me to murder people, you should put up a sign saying "Thank you for not killing more than five of us".
Prison Guard: We don't want you to kill ANY of us!
Belkar: Now you're just being unreasonable!
Prison Guard: We don't want you to kill ANY of us!
Belkar: Now you're just being unreasonable!
— The Order of the Stick "On the Origins of PCs"
Web Original
"But one also came away from reading [a thread commenting on someone burning a kitten] with the sense that people seemed to think this ultra-minimal moral stance made them exceptional and exceptionally righteous. Like the earlier editorial writers, they seemed to think they were exhibiting courage by taking a bold position on a matter of great controversy. Whatever comfort might be gleaned from the reaffirmation that most people were right about this non-issue issue was overshadowed by the discomfiting realization that so many people also seemed to want or need most others to be wrong. The kitten-burners seem to fulfill some urgent need. They give us someone we can clearly and correctly say we’re better than. Their extravagant cruelty makes us feel better about ourselves because we know that we would never do what they have done. They thus function as signposts of depravity, reassuring the rest of us that we’re Not As Bad As them, and thus letting us tell ourselves that this is the same thing as us being good."
—- Fred Clark, The Slacktivist
Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is "The actors are clearly visible."
"If you resolve to stop being an asshole, then give up because nobody gave you a cookie, you never really stopped being an asshole. Expecting to get a cookie for refraining from treating others poorly is how an asshole thinks."
— David J. Prokopetz, RPG.Net
"As my mom has said to me more than once, if you want applause for doing your job, learn to f*ing juggle."
"Mr. Chauvin was under a staggering amount of stress at the time, and the fact that not everybody was gunned down in a bloodbath is just proof of his exceptional professionalism. It is clear Derek Chauvin is a highly self-disciplined man, as any average police officer would have shot the bystanders in the back the moment they turned away."
"A Mormon writer for the Deseret said it's better to be mocked than ignored, and that it's a credit to his people that Mormons have never responded with violence. It seems like the absolute bare minimum to me, I don't think not responding with violence is a good thing, either, it's just kinda... human decency. Like, wow. Congratulations. You hit the bar that's on the fucking floor. Good job."
"I see people who define themselves as 'anti-fascist' on their Twitter profiles. Who isn't?! I'm sorry, that's the default setting. It's not impressive to be anti-fascist. Imagine showing off about that. 'I am not a fascist.' Good! What do you want, a fucking medal?"
"You hear that? That's the sound of the trophy you deserve for not being racist. Good for you. We're so proud of you. You're such a good person. You're better than the rest of them. We love you."
— Randall Otis, "ASMR for White Liberals"
"I never hit my wife... even when I'm drunk. If a lady's got moxie, I believe she can even become a medical doctor. I allow my daughter to make eye contact with boys and men. My wife wasn't even a virgin when we met and I'm almost fine with that. After our wedding, I allowed her to wait almost a year before I impregnated her. My daughter's fat and I've never told her how much it bothers me. I believe we men shouldn't have extramarital affairs. Hey pal! Sometimes women do have good ideas!"
"Why are my expectations so low that this almost sounds okay?"
— YouTube comment in response to the above video
Western Animation
Sokka: [sarcastically] Oh, hurray! After a lifetime of evil, at least [Zuko] didn't add animal cruelty to the list!
Toph: I'm just saying that considering his messed-up family and how he was raised, he could have turned out a lot worse.
Katara: You're right, Toph. Let's go find him and give him a medal. The "Not-As-Much-of-a-Jerk-As-You-Could-Have-Been Award"!
Toph: I'm just saying that considering his messed-up family and how he was raised, he could have turned out a lot worse.
Katara: You're right, Toph. Let's go find him and give him a medal. The "Not-As-Much-of-a-Jerk-As-You-Could-Have-Been Award"!
Man, you go through life, you try be nice to people, you resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
— Moe Szyzlak, The Simpsons, "Team Homer"
Rev. Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. (looks heavenward) What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius: (comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light) The real question is: What have you done to keep them?
Lovejoy: (gasps) St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.
St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule re-carpeted.
(beat)
St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly...
St. Donickus: You... you're just lucky God isn't here.
(the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows)
St. Eleutherius: (comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light) The real question is: What have you done to keep them?
Lovejoy: (gasps) St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.
St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule re-carpeted.
(beat)
St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly...
St. Donickus: You... you're just lucky God isn't here.
(the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows)
Other
"Good men and bad men alike are all capable of weakness. The difference is simply that a bad man will be proud all his life of one good deed — while an honest man is hardly aware of his good acts, but remembers a single sin for years on end."
— Vasily Grossman
"Behold the impudence of the man: I believe he would have us commend him for not killing Ludwig, too, who was waiting at court for his brother, and for not slaying Agapetus Rutten with him. He says he didn't murder all our kinfolk there as he could have and will boast that by his generosity they're still alive."
— Ulrich von Hutten
