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Quotes / Useless Useful Spell

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Weather: Makes some black sprites crawl over the game window as you turn the weather overcast or something. Exactly as useful as it sounds.
Douse: I can't think of a reason you would ever want to douse anything, especially since you can turn off lamps, candles, and torches by double-clicking them.
Fireworks: Summons some sparklies. Does nothing. Supposedly can make Headless run away or something, because I'm so scared of Headless.
Ignite: Again, just fucking double click, it takes less work than casting this spell.
Thunder: Causes a thunderclap. Note, thunder, not lightning. So yeah, it doesn't do anything.
Detect Trap: Detects all traps around you. Except you'll never have traps around you any time you actually think to use this spell, because all traps in Ultima VII are pretty much completely invisible and just randomly spring on you in the middle of a hallway or something. Thanks a lot, Origin!
Great Douse: Turns off all lights around you. I'm trying to think of something good to say about this spell and failing. Now I'm trying to think of something funny to say about this spell and failing again.
Great Ignite: Turns on all lights around you, except most lights will already be on, because other people in Britannia aren't retarded and like having lights on at night.
Locate: Copies the effect of a Sextant, except it requires a reagent and can't be hotkeyed like a sextant! Totally worthless!
Destroy Trap: Destroys all those traps you never see because you never cast Detect Trap. Meaning you will never cast this. Probably doesn't work anyway, I've never cast it in the 15 years I've owned this game.
Swarm: Summons bees, which buzz around and do nothing whatsoever. What the hell did you think it would do? Attack your enemies? Hah!
Paralyze: Prevents something from moving, when it actually sticks, which it seems to do maybe half the time. The other half of the time, the thing dies before it makes any difference.
Peer: Brings up the world map for the cost of two rarish reagents, thus proving even more wasteful than both the map of Britannia you start the game with and the F3 cheat!
Poison: Poisons something. Useless as hell unless you're trying to covertly murder, and if you're doing that you need to use green potions anyway because this spell often gets traced back to you and people go hostile.
Sleep: Puts something to sleep. Basically the same as a blue potion but I think Sleep can be resisted where the blue potion cannot.
Conjure: Summons weak creatures to fight for you, except it summons nothing with any combat skill and also it won't usually fight anyway. Two chickens and a fox, look out dragons!
Seance: Plot-related spell used to talk to ghosts. Why would we need to talk to ghosts? Because there are some ghosts we need to talk to. Can't just talk to ANY old dead person, oh no, that would make this spell clever.
Charm: Make a worthless creature your ally, except you already have three worthless creatures as your permanent allies, and like it or not they fight better than your average Headless. Also, this spell never sticks.
Fire Field: Creates a field of fire that burns anything that walks through it. Sadly, about the only thing that will walk through it is Shamino, because monster pathfinding is slightly more clever than your allies.
Cause Fear: Inferior to diapers. I never thought I'd type that, but there you go.
Poison Field: Creates a stationary poison field that, well, poisons whatever walks into it. Less useful than a green potion or the Poison spell multiple spell levels below this one!
Sleep Field: Creates a stationary sleep field. See Poison Field for why this sucks.
Tremor: Causes your parents' 386 to hardlock.
Delayed Blast: Like Explosion or a powder keg, except things can move away from it! Great!
Mass Charm: Totally stupid, much like regular Charm. Half the enemies join your side, or maybe none of them! You usually can't tell what they are! Then it wears off and you have to kill them anyway!
Nakar, on the magic in Ultima VII

Moves like Horn Drill and Guillotine basically never hit when you want them to. That's it! I'm done with taking gambles! I'll kick this habit once and for all! You can put your money on me!
Team Skull Grunt in Po Town, Pokémon Sun and Moon

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