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Quotes / The Venture Bros.

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"Love never blows up and gets killed."

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    Season One 
Hank and Dean: "He started it!''
Dr. Venture: " No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!''

Brock: "Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.''
Hank: "Uhh...alright.''
Brock: "That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.''
Hank: " (gasping) Grab the handle, push the...''
The Monarch: "Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar? Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?''
Tiny Attorney: "Objection, your honor, leading.''
The Monarch: "I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?''
Hank: "No sir, I don't think so.''
The Monarch: "Yes you are!''
Dean: "You're the liar!''
The Monarch: "And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.''

Brock: "No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.''
Hank: "And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.''
Brock: "Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.''
Dean: "It's weird, right?''
Brock: "It's like he channels dead crazy people.''
The Monarch, in a Scared Straight Program: "You're probably wondering why you're here, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where you're heading.''
Kid 1: (snickering) ''
The Monarch: "Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin' bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.''
Kid 2: "This is totally gay.''
The Monarch: "What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)''
The Monarch: "You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?''
Dean: "Dean Ven...''
The Monarch: "YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke!'' *Beat It dawns on the Monarch that "Bitch" was Dean* Holy Shit! You're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, give me a dollar!

    Season Two 
Hunter Gathers (to Brock): "Lesson number one: trust no one. The minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!''

Brock: "(sigh) So. No women, no children —''
Hunter: "No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.''
Brock: "But what if she's an enemy agent?''
Hunter: "Uh-uh.''
Brock: "An assassin?''
Hunter: "No.''
Brock: "A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.''
Hunter: "No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the President anyway, you know that.''
Brock: "Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?''
Hunter: "You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?''
Brock: "I guess.''
Hunter: "Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!''

Osiris Priest: "Give me the Hand of Osiris!''
Dr. Venture: "Give me head.''
Osiris Priest: "You didn't just say that!''
Dr. Venture: "I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?''
Osiris Priest: "I'm... about to kill your sons.''
Dr. Venture: "Join the club!''

Osiris Cultist: "Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.''
Osiris High Priest: "Wh-What the hell is voile?''
Osiris Cultist: "It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.''
Osiris High Priest: "What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!''

Brock: "Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?''
Dean: "Woah, steady, Perfect Man. Ready Brock!''
Brock: "When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? ''

Billy: All right, she's ready to test. Who's the guinea pig?
Pete: I'm an albino. I can't even go to the beach without exploding. There's no way I'm standing in front of an anything ray.
Dr. Venture: Single parent. Those boys need me. I am their rock.
Billy: Don't look at me. I have not lived enough, for I have not yet tasted the flower of a woman.
Pete: What do you mean?
Dr. Venture: Yeah, tasted a flower? Is that a direct metaphor?
Pete: Cuz I don't take many trips down south myself.
Billy: You guys are disgusting. No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits of the fairer sex.
Dr. Venture: What's with the poetry, Wordsworth? Just say it. Say, "I am a virgin."
Pete: I knew it!
Dr. Venture: Billy, that makes you the best candidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything. The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.
Billy: Wait, give me 24 hours to experience love! Let me know the gentle caress of a woman, let me sleep in the shade of love's beau. I will return to you, I will return knowing the sweet taste-
Pete: I vote Billy.
Dr. Venture: Seconded. Okay virgin, get on the target.

Prof. Richard Impossible: "You see, Dr. Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago. Then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer, a sass-mouth, and, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss. Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.''

Prof. Impossible: "Please! This is important!''
Sally Impossible: "What could be more important than your family, Richard?''
Prof. Impossible: "Ssssssscience?''

The Monarch: " (sighing) Jollyrancher 82, never get henchmen.''
Jollyrancher 82: "You know, that's not my real name.''
The Monarch: "Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.''
Jollyrancher 82: "I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...''
The Monarch: "Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play."

Dr. Killinger: "The Venture problem is very volatile. We must approach it with caution, but first we need to address other drastic issues. The floating cocoon is in bad need of..."
#24: "The cocoon's fine! I think the problem is you!"
#21: "He's right! Yeah, everybody just thinks you're sooo great, but you're just sooo not!"
#24: "Yeah! Who do you think you are?"
#21: "I mean, come on! This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything."
Dr. Killinger: "That's not fair. I never chose my figure."

#21: "You can silence me but there will be others. Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!''
Dr. Killinger: "It's Sic Semper Tyrannis. You said, "Ever faithful terrible lizard."''
#21: "I did? Cool.''

Hank: If you're supposed to be our mom, then why have you got us tied up? People only do that when they want to kill us.
Dean: Or hold us for ransom.
Hank: Or touch us inappropriately.
Dean: What?! When? That never happened-
Hank: Sergeant Hatred? What, did you block that out? Oh no wait, you were passed out from the wine. Most of it was awful, trust me.

Brock: "Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im.''

Shaman: "Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)"
Shaman's Interpreter: "Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her,, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!"
Brock: "The hell's that got to with anything?"
Shaman: "Kayho Hadaile!"
Shaman's Interpreter: "Hot dolphin!"

Dream Hunter: "What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government."
Brock: "What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?"
Dream Hunter: "Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven."
Brock: "Really?"
Dream Hunter: "Really! And it's god damned great! The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!"

    Season Three 
Billy Quizboy: "What the Hell was that?"
Col. Hunter Gathers: "I have no idea..."

Dr. Venture: "We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, 'Hi, buddy!'"
Boys: "Hi, buddy!"
Dr. Venture: "If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydrofluoric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!"

The Monarch: "I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!"
Henchman 24: "Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!"

Dr. Venture: This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys."
Brock: Yeah, probably.
Dr. Venture: Huh. You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Brock: Uh-huh. Welcome to my life.

Orpheus:: So... anyone who doesn't immediately give you respect, you murder?
Brock:: No. No, no... well, I don't always kill 'em or anything, just like a bruise or two, just as a little reminder. I mean, 'til this kid!
Orpheus:: You must talk to him. When you treat a young man like an adult, he acts like an adult.
Brock:: If he was an adult, I'd kick his ass.
Orpheus:: You can't stoop to their level.
Brock:: Yeah, that's true. But... another kid could, right? I know where you're going with this! Yeah! I could get another kid to beat him down!
[Brock runs away laughing]
Orpheus:: Not even close.
Brock:: Don't bother, I'm not even listening.

Billy:: Don't move, they can smell fear.
Dr. Venture:: Can they smell urine?
Billy:: That's like liquid fear.

Tim Tom:: A hit, huh? You want us to make him suffer? Or just end it quick and quietlike?
Brock:: No no no. Nothing permanent. Just give him a little taste of fear. And... I guess you can break something small. Like a toe.
Tim Tom:: We could take out his tongue.
Kevin:: With a knife.
Tim Tom:: Or remove his heart.
Kevin:: Yeah, with a knife.
Tim Tom:: A bigger knife.
Kevin:: Fucking knife!
Brock:: Yeah, you guys are... you're kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.

JJ:: So it's a game? We... fake fight? That's ridiculous.
The Monarch:: No, we sharpen our claws! It's like fencing. It's about the art of the fight.
JJ:: Good! Well, I'm about to deliver my killing stroke. Then what?
Doctor Girlfriend:: Then the Guild steps up their game. You throw a rock, they throw a knife. You throw a knife, they come to your house while you're sleeping and murder your family.

Brock: "Aww no fuckin' way! Late 60's ultra death ray! She's amazing! Saddle operated with Doom Co. gearing. Freakin' gorgeous."
Mr. Cardholder: "If this were a woman, I'd marry it."
Mr. Doe: "And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife."

Mr Doe: "Jonas Venture Jr?"
Jonas Venture Jr: "I am. And who are the dead men I'm speaking to?"
Mr Doe: "That's a joke."
Mr Cardholder: "Regular cut-up."
Mr Doe: "Should give him a reality show."
Mr Cardholder: "I'd watch it."
Mr Doe: "I'd watch it twice."
Mr Cardholder: "Even if Flava Flav was in it."

Henchman 21: "You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid...
Henchman 24: "Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!"
Henchman 24: "Hey, here; what's your name?"
Henchman 1: "Henchman number 1."
Henchman 24: "See, you are nameless."
Henchman 1: "I'm Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?"
Henchman 24: "No, won't help."
Henchman 21: "Yeah, now it's just pathos. So you're dying in my lap and I'm all 'Scott! Scott don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!!' "
Henchman 24: "You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic."

The Monarch: All right. Cut the chatter, it's game time. You all know your roles. Huddle up, huddle up! Okay, Moppets?
Tim Tom: We locate the Venture boys.
Kevin: And kill them.
The Monarch: SUBDUE them.
Tim Tom: Cut their bellies?
The Monarch: SUBDUE their bellies. Doctor My Wife?
Doctor Girlfriend: Locate and seduce-
The Monarch: Subdue! Come on!
Doctor Girlfriend: Subdue Brock Samson.
The Monarch: Henchman 24?
Henchman 24: Locate and subdue the Venture robot.
The Monarch: Subdue? You can kill the robot. It's a robot.

    Season Four 
Dr. Venture: I have a list of inappropriate behavior! Number one: This! Don't do this!
Sgt. Hatred (curled up in the bathroom, crying and eating shaving cream): What's number two?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I don't have a number two, I don't even have a list! Get out of the bathroom!

Dean: I thought you were used to this.
Dr. Venture: Dean, I remember when the Action Man would wake me up with a gun pointed to my head. He'd just hold it there and pull the trigger. I'd hear the click really loud because it was right against my forehead.
Dean: So it echoed.
Dr. Venture: Right, so it sounded like he snapped one of my teeth out. Click! Then he'd go, 'not today, Rusty. Not today.'
Dean: Golly. And you took it because you had to?
Dr. Venture: No Dean. I took it because I was Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.

Action Johnny: "You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a Vietnamese two-step Viper?"
Dr. Z:"BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy. And certainly would not do it with a made up snake!"

Dragoon: I'm staying in the car. We- we are staying in the car!
Red Mantle: We haven't been outside in 30 years. I'm old and I'm afraid of everything.
Dragoon: I'm afraid the streets are overrun with teenage gangs.
Red Mantle: Teenagers are cruel and they will undoubtedly taunt us, because our trousers are not in style anymore.
Dragoon: And we are two heads on one body. And that has never, ever been hip.

Dr. Girlfriend: "Monstroso? That's what this is about? He's the king of the double cross. I mean, think about it, he's lawyer and a super villain. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head."

Col. Gathers: "Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown."
(Brock begins to laugh)
Col. Gathers: "What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?"
Brock: "You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales fireman, every time."
Col. Gathers: "Good god, why?"
Shore Leave: "For one, because it looks super-cool."
Col. Gathers: "You’re an infant."

The Monarch: "Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?""

Col. Gathers: "Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you."
Brock: "They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?"
Dean: (immediately) "Sagittarius."
Brock: (slowly) "Good! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?"
Hank: "It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday."

Col. Gathers: "Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing."
Brock: "Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad."
Col. Gathers: "Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad."
Brock: "Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra."
Col. Gathers: "Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!"
Brock: "It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest."
Col. Gathers: "I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral."

Watch: Before we administer the untested experimental inhibitor, we'll have to-
Professor Impossible: Hold on. Experimental?
Watch: Suck it up, mister good guy. That's how we roll in organized villainy. Get used to it.
Ward: Side effects may include: nausea, constipation, headaches, insomnia, oily discharge, severe deja vu stiffness in joints, blurred vision or temporary blindness, diarrhea, loss of life, thrombosis, and rectal bleeding.
Storm Front: How can you have diarrhea and constipation?
Professor Impossible: Was loss of life on that list?
Watch: Just a side effect. Now who's getting the shot?
Phantom Limb: Okay, but you may have to give me the shot in my derriere. Needles can't penetrate my electro-impalpable limbs.
Watch: Needles? Yeah, good one. Try huge spikes.
Ward: They're wonderful and frightening and they go into the sides of your neck and they replace all your blood.
Watch: You get all your blood back at the end of the summit. Unless the loss of life thing happens. Then we'll send your next of kin a big jug of blood and a very nice card.

General Treister: "I want notes, lists and answers by the time I finish this here Juicy Box! Warning: I am thirst-ay! And it is fruit punch! And it is delicious!"

Dr. Orpheus: "I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?"
Ego: "You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join"
Eros: "He's got to at least try to get some loving."
Ego: "And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit"
Thanatos: "Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia."

Col. Gathers: "We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard."
SPHINX Agent: "I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow."
Shore Leave: "Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch."

Col. Gathers: "What the hell happened here?"
Agent Doe: "That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers."
Col. Gathers: "That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!"
Agent Cardholder: "Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe."
Agent Doe: "GOD Emperor Doe!"

     Season Five 
Dean Venture: "I've been listening to this stupid learning bed my whole life, and you know what? I haven't learned shit! I could tell you how many taste buds are on the human tongue, but I've never even French kissed a girl."
Dr. Venture: "Well, no wonder with that mouth, since when did you take up cussing?"
Dean: "I'm sick of living my life in a box! I don't wanna be a scientist, or a boy adventurer, or even a Venture Brother anymore. I just wanna be my own man."

Gathers: "You'll never get over the lost of your breasts! You'll miss them forever..."

Gary: "She's coming in low and slow, it's classic Monarch 'look at my cool new thing' approach."
Sgt. Vatred: "Should I ready the extinguishers?"
Gary: "Please! He only uses fire and lasers at night. I got my money on acid, or a magnet kind of thing."

     Season Six 
Narrator: Deep within the bleak and dismal Gowanus Canal, hidden beneath its murky waters, lies the headquarters of the most sinister crime collective in New York — the Doom Factory. Here, ten of the most ruthlessly self-involved villains on Earth loosely align forces against the powers of good. The cold-hearted ice sculptress, Frigid! The toxic tongue of Serpentine! (Oh, look, everyone, poor little rich girl needs attention!) Miniature muse Eenie Meanie, and Gerard the Gorilla! The watchful Black Maria, and Trashenstein, the exquisite corpse! Ultra Violent and Billy Maim! The feminine yet gigantic She-Hemoth, and the bittersweet Hard Candy! All sycophantic clingers-on to the evil genius of Wes Warhammer!
Wes Warhammer: Hey, so, um, uh, guys, um, we should get Dr. Venture.

Red Death: Hello, Red Death.
The Monarch:: (through a voice changer) Your child and your wife have been kidnapped. Sign away your arching rights to Dr. Venture, and they will be returned safely in the morning. If you do not—
The Monarch: Uh, okay, uh... sorry?

     Season Seven 
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Do we have any Level 1 arches scheduled today?
Watch: One. Augustus St. Cloud. He just put in a requisition for a level 1 lightning rifle and laughing gas grenades... and he paid in cash!
Ward: Dollar dollar bills, my brother!
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Alright. Uh, upgrade the lightning rifle to level 6 and send it out.
Stranger S-464: Hmm. Six level lightning. That should get her attention.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: She'll have to intervene on a treaty violation, and so will we. And you'll get your woman back.
Ward: Isn't that, like, dangerous?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: We're the Guild of Calamitous Intent! We're the bad guys. Own it, gentlemen.


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