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And the next time you're watching a reality show, or competing on a reality show, or simply the next time something weird happens in your life, ask yourself this question: Is it real, or is it The Joe Schmo Show? Thanks for watching. You're dead to us. Please leave.
Ralph's sign-off at the end of the original season

Two people, looking for love in all the wrong places. But nothing could be more wrong than this.
From Ralph's intro of Joe Schmo 2

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My favorite explanation so far and I think that the one that Tim's buying, "Gerald, I've never met anyone like him yet, but I don't think he's gay. I think he's Canadian."
Jonathan Torrens regarding his character, "Gerald, the Gotta-Be-Gay Guy"

I want money. I want lots of money. I'd love to live a very rich life, but not at the expense of somebody.
Amanda, Joe Schmo 2

I'm sorry we had to see that... ...on such a small monitor.
Derek Newcastle, after the girls watched Porked N Beans, on Joe Schmo 2

I'll spell out "Yes" with an "F" and a "U".
Tim, responding to Bryce's "Did you get my first banner?" message on Joe Schmo 2

I think we should all take a knee and have a prayer.
No.
I have no idea how they're buying this. I don't understand how they're okay with dead frogs and frogs eating donuts. I mean, my God, people, wake up.
Ingrid, Tim, and Jana Speaker (Cammy, in an interview segment), regarding the "death" of Everett the frog, Joe Schmo 2

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And he's like "mockingbird," like she's gonna be like "Ahh, whoosh, I pick Bryce." Like that is completely insane to me.
Tim, to T.J., regarding Bryce's trying to hypnotize Piper using "mockingjay" to activate a post-hypnotic suggestion

Can I please punch him?
Tim, after Bryce crashes the wedding, on Joe Schmo 2

Maybe David Hasselhoff is next.
Karlee, after Lorenzo Lamas' introduction on Joe Schmo 3

Obviously, I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
Lorenzo Lamas, attempting to get inside Lady Justice on Joe Schmo 3

My beaver just peed.
Chloe, Joe Schmo 3

So Jake tells us that we can all keep our spirit animals and I look over at Chase and he's going like "Yeah, alright!" and I'm going "Wait a second?! What is Chase gonna do with a llama... in Pittsburgh?"
Lorenzo Lamas, Joe Schmo 3

As I saw him leading his llama into the orchard of avocado leaves, I said "This guy is walking a llama to have a conversation with it." Only on this show.
Ralph, Joe Schmo 3

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I can take you to a baseball game.
Chase to his llama, Joe Schmo 3

Look at this guy. (holds up picture of Lorenzo Lamas) He hasn't done half the work that I've done to get here, has he? He just got lucky, didn't he? He didn't capture a criminal the other day. But I did, didn't I? You're a llama. From llama to Lamas, do you agree with that? Yeah, you do.
Chase to his llama, Joe Schmo 3

Lady Justice, can I come inside of you?
Lorenzo Lamas, Joe Schmo 3
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