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Quotes / The Fundamentalist

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"Verizon. Like Jesus it never stops working for you."
Momoko Koigakubo, Ghost Stories

    Comic Books 

"I'm not a warrior. I'm not a soldier of any kind. It's only a short step from there to calling yourself a crusader, or something equally dubious. Too many powerful people make these silly declarations... then it's all "holy war" and "sacred destiny". That's generally when the trouble starts."


    Film - Live-action 

"Only in a world this shitty could you even try to say these were innocent people and keep a straight face. But that's the point: we see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night. Well, not anymore. I'm setting the example."
John Doe, Se7en

"The Prophet has commanded us to rule the world. Where in all your land of Spain is the glory of Allah? When men speak of you, they speak of poets, music makers, doctors, scientists. Where are your warriors? You dare call yourselves Sons of the Prophet? You have become women! Burn your books. Make warriors of your poets. Let your doctors invent new poisons for our arrows. Let your scientists invent new war machines. And then, kill! Burn. Infidels live on your frontiers. Encourage them to kill each other. And when they are weak and torn I will sweep up from Africa and thus the empire of the one God, the true God Allah will spread. First, across Spain. Then, across Europe. Then, the whole world!"
Ben Yusuf, El Cid


Burn down your life
Set fire to all your ties of home, family and love
Light the fires and allow it to spread to thy neighbor's homes as well
Leave and never return, seek the truth ever more
For God is Great!

They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact, a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God.
Jesus, The Bible (New International Version), John 16:2

"There are some upon this earth of yours, who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us and all our kith and kin, as if they had never lived. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us".
Ghost Of Christmas Present, A Christmas Carol

"You never know when the Moral Majority's going to go Ayatollah ape-shit."
Able Team, "Justice by Fire"

    Live-action TV 

"I don't drink coffee, sir. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature."
Kenneth, 30 Rock

Reba: Barbara Jean, you're not gonna get anybody to believe by hitting them with a Bible.
Barbara Jean: That's how my daddy did it.

Old Ollie wasn't jolly, he was glum and he was proud;
Would be miserable as sin, only sinning's not allowed!
Horrible Histories, "Charles II: King of Bling"


Give me that old time religion
Give me that old time religion
Give me that old time religion
It's good enough for me
—Traditional Protestant hymn

I see them on the corner
Big black bible in hand
Shouting at the people to hear the word of the Lord
And it's this:
'You're just a filthy sinner-man!
You can't save yourself but — Jesus can!
And then you too can be an angel with a sword — smite the unrighteous!
Make Jesus your goal,
Sell him your soul,
Go throw your mind down the nearest hole.'
And the Lord Christ-Jesus will save you from the devil and sin,
The Lord Marx-Lenin will save you from the Chairman of the Board,
The Lord Smack-Needle will save you from the pains of life,
But who will come and save you from your Lord?
— "Trinity", Leslie Fish

It's not OK to be Gay!
It's not O.K. to be a homo!
You weren't designed to be that way!
God says that it's a big no-no!
It's not O.K. to be Gay!
It's not O.K. to be a pervert!
It's not in your DNA!
What you need is to be converted!
—"It's Not O.K. to be Gay", George Smock a.k.a. "Brother Jed"

Preacher on a corner
Calling it a crime
The ends don't justify the means anytime
I stood up on my van
I yelled 'Excuse me, sir
Ain't nothin' wrong with this country
A few plastic explosives won't cure'
—"I Blew Up the Clinic Real Good", Steve Taylor

    Tabletop Games 

Kasif: You're the master of the Pinnacle of the Eye of the Hunt. It was you who defeated the heretic cult worshipping bile-black stone at Port Calin. It was you who brought down the Anathema Bosk at the threshold of his ancient tomb. And it was you who murdered Sesus Beedita, a fellow monk whose only crime was to disagree with your interpretation of the Immaculate Texts!
Peleps Deled: That's where you're wrong, Kasif...
Kasif: LIAR! I saw you do it. Don't even try to pretend it was accidental.
Deled: I didn't mean about that... I mean you're wrong to think there's such a thing as an "interpretation" of the texts.
—Discussing theological issues in Manual of Exalted Power: The Dragon-Blooded.


    Video Games 

"If you got trouble with your wife, don't tell it to me, tell it to the Executive Producer in the sky! He's gonna cancel your sitcom. You need to say to yourself: 'I'm a terrible person, and I should DIE.'"
Heartland Values with Nurse Bob, GTA Radio

"Our minds are born festering with sin. Some are so blighted, they will never find redemption. The mind must be pulled up from the roots. My children are without blame, without fault — and without choice. For what is the value of will when the spirit is found wanting?"
Elizabeth, "The Value Of Choice" voxophone (BioShock Infinite)

"Beware, you who seek first and final principles, for you are trampling the garden of an angry God and he awaits you just beyond the last theorem."
Sister Miriam Godwinson, Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri

"Until further notice, this village shall be under the control of us, the Cathedral Knights. All entrances shall be sealed. No one may enter or exit the village. Understood? Anyone violating my order shall be deemed a minion of Darkness and... purified in the name of Lord Granas. Come my Knights of Granas. Take up your blades to cut down the Darkness. God's Light shall shine!"
Selene, Grandia II

    Web Original 

"Separate yourself from vain and foolish friends who turn you to atheism, worldliness, competitive sports, and false religions."

1.Someone who despite all accepted scientific evidence does not believe in evolution.
2.Even stranger in the 21st century: Someone who believes that The Passion of the Christ is a better film than Life of Brian.

Because so many of you have tried to escape, we hereby order all of you to go barefoot from this moment forward. You will kick off your Sunday shoes.

You will not cut loose or attempt to go footloose or we will chop off your limbs and set them on a fire. We have already placed Louise on her knees for beheading. Jack was tied to several Toyota trucks mounting heavy machine guns and we pulled him apart with a crack. You could say that he really went footloose, but this would be incorrect because it was his arms and entire legs that detached.

"In fact, Robertson strikes one as a slightly eccentric, utterly delusional and repugnantly evil version of the wizard Tim: “Hurricane, In the name of Jesus I take authority over you and command you to change course. In the name of Jesus I command you to turn away from Virginia Beach now. You will turn south and then east and strike the wicked godless heathen land of Cuba instead. Amen.”, chants Pat."
The Encyclopedia of American Loons on Pat Robertson

"The Jesus is Savior website is essentially the same as the Internet Church for Christ if it were created by a furious schizophrenic...The only unifying theme of the site seems to be contempt and a psychotic distrust of literally everything."
Soren Bowie, Cracked

"It can be argued that cafeteria Christianity is not only commonplace, but actually required in order for the believer to remain a functional member of society, as opposed to fundamentalists like Jack Chick, who are obviously so paranoid and delirious that they cannot function in the real world."

"Will our culture ever wake from this fever dream? Perhaps. But never underestimate the sheer venality of the human animal, who is always willing to project his own sins onto someone else so he can shed blood with a clean conscience.

The genius of the Fundamentalist movement was to take all that evil and sprinkle a few Bible quotes over it in order to make it more socially acceptable."

"He said Baptists were the first Christians and that this is clearly explained in the Bible. His mother told him so. I asked where this was explained in the Bible. He glared at me and said, “John the Baptist, duh!” and then walked away."
James J. Krupa, "Defending Darwin"

    Web Video 

''subject: take respinsibty

dorkins, the riots in london are all your fault. those godless men are all looting those poor god fearing heroes. do something to undone the damage. your all to blame. all money from selfish gene should go to fixing london. until you do something FUCK YOU"

    Western Animation 

"Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not allowed to go to the bathroom."
Reverend Lovejoy, The Simpsons ("Secrets of a Successful Marriage")

    Real Life 

"It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it."

"We cannot be iconoclasts, we cannot relinquish the old gods because so much has been sacrificed to them."
Eva Figes

"Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature

"The determinist does not believe in appealing to the will, but he does believe in changing the environment. He must not say to the sinner, 'Go and sin no more,' because the sinner cannot help it. But he can put him in boiling oil; for boiling oil is an environment."
A.K. Chesterton, British fascist

"Take care what you are about, for unless you base all this on religion, you are only making so many clever devils."
Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington

"...the infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented Hell."
Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays

"It was morality that burned the books of the ancient sages, and morality that halted the free inquiry of the Golden Age and substituted for it the credulous imbecility of the Age of Faith. It was a fixed moral code and a fixed theology which robbed the human race of a thousand years by wasting them upon alchemy, heretic-burning, witchcraft and sacerdotalism."
H. L. Mencken, The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche

"No, Your Holiness. Not agnosticism, but Gnosticism is the danger for the Christian faith."
Don Luigi Giussani (attributed) to John Paul II

"These are sky-god religions. They are, literally, patriarchal — God is the Omnipotent Father — hence the loathing of women for 2,000 years in those countries afflicted by the sky-god and his earthly male delegates. The sky-god is a jealous god, of course. He requires total obedience from everyone on earth, as he is in place not for just one tribe but for all creation. Those who would reject him must be converted or killed for their own good. Ultimately, totalitarianism is the only sort of politics that can truly serve the sky-god's purpose."
Gore Vidal (1992)

"Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the party, and they're sure trying to do so, it's going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can't and won't compromise. I know, I've tried to deal with them."
Sen. Barry Goldwater (R-AZ)

"Dominionism is not inherently fascist, in that it does not inherently require the belief that there was a Christian theocracy that’s been undermined, but it’s certainly an ideology that can turn fascist without much difficulty — start from a premise about the spiritual degeneration of society, and you can probably come up with the fascist version of the narrative in your head."
Dr. El Sandifer, "Guided By the Beauty of Their Weapons"

"History has shown us that it's not religion that's the problem, but any system of thought that insists that one group of people are inviolably in the right, whereas the others are in the wrong and must somehow be punished."
Rod Liddle

"Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity, as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of 'kill everyone who doesn't smell bad and doesn't answer to the name Mohammed."

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."

Ann Coulter, on two separate occasions

"When science and the Bible differ, science has obviously misinterpreted its data."
Henry Morris

"The Bible doesn't ask me to like what it says, only to obey it."
John Russell “Rusty” Houser, domestic terrorist

"If one permits an infidel to continue in his role as a corrupter of the earth, the infidel's moral suffering will be all the worse. If one kills the infidel, and this stops him from perpetrating his misdeeds, his death will be a blessing to him."
Ruhollah Khomeini

"Every Muslim, the minute he can start differentiating, carries hate towards Americans, Jews, and Christians; this is part of our ideology."
Osama Bin Laden

"The idea of the sacred is quite simply one of the most conservative notions in any culture, because it seeks to turn other ideas — uncertainty, progress, change — into crimes."
Salman Rushdie

"...I think that the central problem of any religion is that the founders of religion are always extraordinarily intelligent people and what you notice as you get older is that extraordinarily intelligent people are not literal-minded and the great problem with religion is when what's been said by the founder of the religion which was supposed to be taken metaphorically is taken literally and that's where you get complete nonsense being made of what the founder of the religion said and indeed, people claiming, more or less, that the founder of the religion said the opposite of what they believe, except they haven't realised that."

"Bachmann is a religious zealot whose brain is a raging electrical storm of divine visions and paranoid delusions...frenetically pacing the hallways of a vast sand castle she's built in there, unable to meaningfully communicate with the human beings on the other side of the moat, who are all presumed to be enemies."
Matt Taibbi on Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann

"A characteristic of religious fundamentalism is to perceive the world as an arena of continuous battle and to nourish it with anger and the desire for revenge."
Ilter Turkemen

"You don't need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you."



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