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Quotes / The Computer Is a Cheating Bastard

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    Film — Live-Action 

Chess Wizard: Your move: king to rook one. My move: rook to knight six. Checkmate. Checkmate.
MacReady pours his drink into the computer tower, frying it
MacReady: Cheating bitch.


The thing about video game basketball is that the computer decides whether or not the ball goes in when you shoot.
David Wong, John Dies at the End


     Video Games 

"You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!"
FTL: Faster Than Lightnote 

Due to space treachery, your enemy will always go first!

"Hmph... This game cheats! ...!!! I was shielding! SHIEEELDING!!! NO!!! I did NOT press that!"

"what, did you think i was just gonna stand there and take it?"
Sans, after dodging a strike from the player, Undertale

    Web Animation 

"The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh, while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso, you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them."
Zero Punctuation, STALKER: Clear Sky

    Web Original 

Luke, for example, has a move where he throws his lightsaber at you. Not only does this move do about 75% of your life on hit, it’s also entirely unblockable. The AI can and will use this move against you if it has the meter to do so, and it doesn’t have to worry about trying to get in the half circle motion required to do it.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, Seth is generally regarded as one of the least effective player characters in the game. That's right: He's only awesome when he's computer-controlled. Because the computer is a cheap, cheating bastard.

Don't you know? 'CC' in Mario Kart refers to 'Cheating Capacity'. On 50cc, they have a much lower cheating capacity than on 150cc, where everyone but you is hacking to go max speed all the time.
—Post on VGF on the cheatsy AI in Mario Kart.

    Web Video 

"Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass...And how come they can pass over a hole and you can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. Fuck you. I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole."

"Yeah, you know it's a Pokémon Let's Play if you get random criticals when you don't need them; your opponent gets them all the time at the most-crucial moments; you don't catch Pokémon when they're in perfectly-catchable ranges.

"Even when you're spinning through the outer abysses of outer space, you still feel like an underdog despite being part of the big, bad Empire, and that's because the titular TIE fighter is a flimsy craft. One wrong decision, one stupid mistake, and a single collision or strafe shot can end a mission that has been building up for 10 minutes or more. You play by a one-hit KO rule, but your enemies sure don't!"

"The Queen is a cheating whore! Seriously, I hate this fuckin' bitch! Kiss your cards goodbye, or be prepared to reload constantly, because the Queen chooses her own rule. I mean, what kinda bullshit is that? Lady, this isn't 'Nam, there are rules. Everyone's just gotta play along with your own creepy lil' world, here? Says who? Who says I can't just cave your head in with my gunblade and take your goddamn cards?"

Gnu Gnu: Hi, there! Want to race me to my Food Shop? Last one there's a rotten egg!
Noah: He used a teleporter? That cheating son of a bitch! I swear to God, if I ever play Ultima VII again I'm gonna track him down so I can go to the Forge of Virtue, take the dark core of Exodus and send it to the void straight up this cocksucker's cheating ass! Who builds a teleporter to cheat at something this fucking petty?!
Noah Antwiler on Ultima: Runes of Virtue

"How the hell do you have a Dragonite at Level 49, you hacker?! It evolves at 55! This guy...I swear, man, this guy hacks."
Haydunn, in the Champion battle against Lance in his Pokemon Heart Gold Nuzlocke

"It's cheating! The computer is cheating!"

    Western Animation 

Bob: Matrix! Help!
Matrix: I can't! The rules are clear!
Bob: You're a renegade! CHEAT!
Matrix: Oh, right. (cheats)
ReBoot, computer characters abusing the trope, again.



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