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The whole universe was in a hot, dense state -
then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait!
The Earth began to cool - the autotrophs began to drool -
neanderthals developed tools, we built the wall
We built the Pyramids!
Math, science history - unraveling the mystery
It all started with a Big ...
Bang!
- Barenaked Ladies, "The History of Everything", the show's opening theme

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Wil Wheaton: Did [Sheldon] just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: (after several seconds of twitching) I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe.

Sheldon [waking Leonard up in the middle of the night, holding up a laptop]: Leonard, do you know what this is?
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes. The Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic. The Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man. The Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

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Leonard: Okay, well, I'm an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research involves high powered lasers. Oh, and I just got a government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh God no! (long pause) But the money's good... and I used the equipment to build my own Bat Signal.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but when it comes to the population of this car you are a veritable 'Mackdaddy.'"
Sheldon: Pilot (To Leonard regarding his chances with Penny while she, Raj and Howard are in the car)

"Nerds."
Steve Wozniak

Sheldon: Well, I hope you're happy, Penny. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record. It is because of you that I now have 10 demerit points on a license I have yet to acquire, and it is because of you that I missed out on getting gelato with Stan Lee.
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Penny: Well, maybe you'll have another chance to...
Sheldon: No, I won't have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee, because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on.
[Sheldon raises his finger dramatically, puts it down, and stalks off angrily]
Penny: ...Did he just give me the finger?
Howard: Not just any finger - the moving finger!!

Leonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: (beat) ...screwed!
Leonard: There you go.
(later)
Sheldon: I don't wanna be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis!
Amy: (immediately — no beat needed) In what way are you screwed?!

Sheldon: It's your turn.
Raj: Ah, I'm not interested in playing anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend!? Good Lord! If that's a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons then this game is in serious trouble!

Sheldon: Leonard, why are you never on my side?
Leonard: Because I can never understand your side!

(during a paintball game against the geology department)
Sheldon: (stands at the top of the hill and shouts to his opponents) GEOLOGY ISN'T A REAL SCIENCE!
(he is promptly slaughtered by paintballs)
Howard: Damn them those SONS OF BITCHES!!(he, Raj, and Leonard run down the hill to attack)
Sheldon: (watches happily) If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started.

Raj: Come on Sheldon, it's Star Wars.
Howard: I'm going to press play, I mean it! Come on, we gotta hurry up and watch it before George Lucas changes it again.

Penny: Okay shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick somebody off America's Next Top Model.
Sheldon: Excuse me Penny, but we're-
Leonard: No, don't tell her...
Sheldon: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aaaw...
Howard: What do you mean "aaaw", like she didn't know we were nerds?

Howard: Why is that disappointing?
Raj: You know, guy gets bitten by a radioactive animal, you kinda hope he gets superpowers.
Howard: Yeah, but who would want to be Rat-Man?
Raj: Who wouldn't? You can squeeze through tiny holes, finish a maze in nothing flat! And the best part is, you could be my sidekick, Mouse-Boy!
Howard: Mouse-Boy?
Raj: You don't like it? How about, Kid Vermin?
Howard: No, if we had superpowers, you would be the sidekick, not me!
Raj: No way!
Howard: Leonard, between the two of us, who would obviously be the sidekick?
(Beat)
Leonard: 8 years after high school, and I'm still at the nerd table...

Sheldon: Penny....
Penny: (annoyed) What?
Sheldon: Please don't hurt my friend.

Raj: Why are you putting so much sugar in your coffee?
Leonard: (Has been up late) Because the cafeteria doesn't have little packets of methamphetamines.

Barry: Siwi can you wecommend a westewaunt?
Siri: Sorry Bawwy, i do not recognise the phrase "Wecommend a westerwaunt."

Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys instead of us weirdos?
Raj: Yes, I've ALWAYS found that totally unfair!

Sheldon: At the last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for forty-five minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: You know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Mrs. Cooper: [Sheldon]'s like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you.

If I didn't have you, life would be blue, I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS,
A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick, I'd be one of my outfits without a dickie,
I'd be cheese without the mac, Jobs without the Wozniak,
I'd be exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator that make it much harder to crack.
I'd be an atom without a bomb, a dot without the com, and I'd probably still live with my mom.
(chorus) And he's probably still live with his mom.
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes.
You're like uranium 235 and I'm uranium 238... almost inseparable isotopes.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
If I didn't have you, life would be dreary, I'd be string theory without any string.
I'd be binary code without a one, cathode tube ray tube without an electron gun.
I'd be Firefly, Buffy and The Avengers without Joss Whedon.
I'd speak a lot more Klingon, "ConLang Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam."
(chorus) And he'd definitely still live with his mom.
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You're my best friend and my lover.
We're like changing electric and magnetic fields: you can't have one without the other.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, from the moment that I met you Bernadette.
(All together) Oh we couldn't have imagined, how good our lives would get,
from the moment that we met you Bernadette.
- If I Didn't Have You (Bernadette'sSong), "The Romance Resonance"

Sheldon: I have a very long and somewhat self-centered speech here. But I'd like to set it aside.
Penny! Whoo!
Raj: Way to go!
[Leonard, Penny, Howard, Bernadette and Raj cheer at this change.]
Sheldon: Because this honor doesn't just belong to me. I wouldn't be up here if it weren't for some very important people in my life. Beginning with my mother, father, meemaw, brother and sister. And my other family, who I'm so happy to have here with us. Is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
[Sarah Michelle Gellar can only wave at Sheldon, who does the same thing while Raj grins.]
Sheldon: I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired and tolerated not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had. I'd like to ask them to stand. Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.
[Raj stands up.]
Sheldon: Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski Wolowitz.
[Bernadette stands up.]
Sheldon: Astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
[Howard stands up.]
Sheldon: And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter...
[Penny stands up.]
Sheldon: and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
[Leonard stands up.]
Sheldon: I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.
Penny: (Tearfully) Thanks, Sheldon. I- I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks!
Sheldon: Oh. Um... sorry. Don't tell anyone that last thing! That's a secret! Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologise if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know in my way, I love you all. And I love you. Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech, "The Stockholm Syndrome"

Out-Of-Show Quotes

"This plotline gets extra props for featuring an extended riff on the novel Flatland, which makes this probably the only show I cover that could even possibly have an extended riff on the novel Flatland."
—from AV Club's review of episode 3x12, "The Psychic Vortex"


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