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Quotes / The Angry Video Game Nerd

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AVGN: This game sucks.
—The first words ever spoken by Nerd

AVGN: Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls, this game is an inside-out asshole regurgitated putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT... and I don't like it.
—One of the legendary Nerd rants from the review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)

"Now you're playing with power! ...Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck, it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore." (takes a swig of Rolling Rock)
—From his review of the Power Glove NES accessory

AVGN: If you didn't get the knife in level 1, don't even try. That's my words of wisdom: anyone who wants to get far in this game, my rules are: Number one, get the knife. Number two, get the knife. Number three, GET THE KNIFE.
—From his review of Ghosts N' Goblins for the NES

AVGN: Or fuck that. It's going to be fucking great. It's fucking Rocky. There has not been a Rocky movie in 16 years. I am so excited. That I have all 5 Rocky movies playing at house at the same time. This is my projector. It's playing Rocky on my projection screen. And check out my 80's TV, It's playing Rocky II. And check my bedroom TV, It's Rocky III. And on my living room TV, There's Rocky IV. And check my computer, It's playing Rocky V. Now, There's one extra TV there with the Sega Master System. (Grabs the gamepak case) Twice the Mega Power? (Opens the case, Takes out the gamepak and puts it into the Sega Master System).
—From the opening of AVGN's review of Rocky video game for the Sega Master System

AVGN: Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie that's ASS and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's a good thing. But, if you get a piece of shit, you don't want that!
—From the Independence Day review

"All right, that's it, I'm done with this game! I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus's butt while it muck spreads! That's when the hippo takes a shit, rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus; it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan, or a band saw. You just don't do it!"
—The Nerd's remarks about the first Bug's Bunny's Crazy Castle game

AVGN: Purple for putrid gameplay;
Blue for bad musical abominations;
Green for graphical farts and garlic;
Yellow for piss-poor lack of loyalty to source material;
Orange for "orange you a fucking idiot?"
And red for high-stress, anger-inducing masochism!
Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow.
Hooray, LJN.
—From his re-review of Back to the Future Part II & III

He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have
A buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat
The rotten asshole
Of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

When you turn on your TV
Make sure it's tuned to Channel 3
He's got a nerdy shirt
And a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a Power Glove
And a filthy mouth
Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

He plays the worst games of all time
Horrible abominations of mankind
They make him so mad he could spit
Or say Cowabunga... Cowa-fucking piece of dog shit!

They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a turtle swim?
Why can't I land a plane?
They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters' names are wrong
Why is that password so long?
Why don't the weapons do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words
He's the angriest, most pissed-off gaming nerd
He's the Angry Atari Amiga CD-i ColecoVision Intellivision Sega Neo Geo TurboGrafx-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo... Nerd
He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd
—The full lyrics to the theme song, as heard on the Sega CD episode

You go way too fast
Fuck these games, they suck ass
You should watch what your singing
Playing this shit's gonna break your neck
So shut, shut your mouth
'Cause diarrhea's coming out
I've had enough, enough of you
Shit should last a life time through
So what do you wanna play?
Got no words of sympathy
When I'm here, these games are through
Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts are so screwed
Na na na na na na na na na na na (Now we're gonna crash)
Na na na na na na na na na na na (Shitty games falling out your ass)
—From The Incredible Crash Test Dummies review

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