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Quotes / Team Fortress 2

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Everyone Ever

"Yeah, I dare ya, rage quit. C'mon, make us both happy."

"Depth perception, pal, look into it."
Scout having dominated a Demoman

"If ya order now, I'll throw in a second beatin', absolutely free."

"This is my world. You are not welcome in my world!"

"You are a spineless worm! You are a mistake of nature! You are walking vomit!"

"Scientists in the future have studied your ass for centuries... and sent me back in time to kick it!"
The Tin Soldier

"I have uploaded a boot up your METAL ASSES!"
Soldier after a fine day of killing robots

"I am not trapped in a facility full of robots. You are all trapped in here with me!"
Soldier after all his teammates have died

"What's that, brain maggot? You're starving? Yeah, I'm hungry too."

"Teleporter here!"
— One of Pyro's two battle cries

"POW! Haha!"

"I hear someone building diaper changing station!"
Heavy after destroying an enemy Dispenser

"Drunk on the battlefield ain't no way to be, son."
Engineer having both dominated a Demoman and forgotten about his Rancho Relaxo taunt

"Start prayin', boy!"
Engineer about to put his revenge crits to good use

"These fellas are gonna be ohm-less if they don't put up more of a resistance! Ha ha ha haaa! Ah, that's an engineerin' joke."

"Eins, zwei, dre... I do not think we brought enough body bags."

"I am melting!"
Medic on fire

"Everything above ya neck's gonna be a fine red mist!"

"That helmet's gonna make a nice bowl for ya brains!"
Sniper after scoring a headshot on a Soldier

"So, your deadly skill is jogging? Mine is murdering people."
Spy having dominated a Scout

"I was never on your side either! Wanker!"

    Meet the Team 
"Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe... [sniff] maybe. I have yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet."
RED Heavy, Meet the Heavy

BLU Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine i--
Meet the Sandvich

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it... and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor! [...] Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. [...] And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! [...] Unless it's a farm!"
Red Soldier, Meet the Soldier

RED Engineer: How am I gonna stop some big mean motherhubbard from tearin' me a structurally superfluous new behind? [...] The answer? Use a gun. And if that don't work? [...] Use more gun.
BLU Scout: My aaarm!note 
RED Engineer: Like this heavy-caliber tripod-mounted little old number designed by me. Built by me. And you best hope... not pointed at you.
Meet the Engineer

"I got a manky eye. I'm a black Scottish cyclops. They got more f[long bleep]suncensored  than they got the likes of me. So! T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cocksure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me, I say! I'll be waitin' on ya with a whiff o' the old brimstone! I'm a grim bloody fable... with an unhappy bloody end! Oh, they're goin' ta have to glue yew back together...IN HELL!"
RED Demoman, Meet the Demoman

RED Scout: Ya listening? Okay. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brudder? I hurt [audibly pokes the camera lens] people. I'm a force o' nature. If you were from, where I was from, you'd be f**kin' dead.
Meet the Scout

"Sniping's a good job, mate. It's challenging work, out of doors... I guarantee you'll not go hungry. 'Cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead."
RED Sniper, Meet the Sniper

BLU Scout: I've killed plenty of Spies! They're dime-a-dozen back-stabbin' scumbags, like you! No offense...
BLU Spy: If you managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me, and nothing—nothing—like the man loose inside this building.
BLU Scout: What are ya, president of his fan club?
BLU Spy: No... that would be your mother! [reveals several photos of the Scout's mother with the RED Spy]
BLU Scout: Wait—eh—ah—gh—
BLU Spy: Indeed, and now he's here to f*** us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today.
Meet the Spy

RED Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this will work?
RED Medic: Ah-hah! I HAVE NO IDEA!
Meet the Medic

    Comics and Other Supplemental Material 
Classic Heavy: How... the hell... did you beat us? We spent six months huntin' down her best. Echelon. Citadel. Team Vanguard, for God's sake. We got 'em all. We beat her. All she had left was you rejects. How... the hell...
Ms. Pauling: You wanna know how we beat you? I honestly have no #£%@# clue. Maybe it was just luck. Maybe it was something else.
Medic: It's because we don't have souls.
Ms. Pauling: What?
Medic: Well, they don't, but- nothing. Carry on.
Ms. Pauling: I don't know what to tell you. But either way... we're Team Fortress. And you're dead.
Team Fortress Comics, part 6: The Naked and the Dead

"Hello, Miss Pauling! We killed everybody and took a briefcase!"
Soldier talking about his job in Expiration Date

Spy to Scout in Expiration Date

"Spanning 119 updates of ongoing development, the Team Fortress 2 team has maintained its unswerving commitment to our user base: to put more hats per square inch in our game than any other piece of media in human history. We've probably improved gameplay and added a new game mode or map here and there too - most likely by accident, while trying to upload something hat-based."
— The TF2 website, summing up the history of the game

"It doesn't matter how much people respect you when they're on fire."
Respectless Rubber Glove description

"I just kicked your ass so hard it went BACK IN TIME and got me this VIKING HAT."
Tyrant's Helm description

"Is that a miniature Spy in your pocket, or are you just happy to OH GOD STOP HITTING ME!"
Itsy Bitsy Spyer description

"There will be a certain day...fortunately it's not today, or anytime soon. But there will be a day where Team Fortress 2 becomes as outdated as Super Mario Bros. and Contra. And in the days when that game is sitting in the dust like a forgotten memory, A few of us that took the game as a passion will sit down at our Desktops, start it up, and play a nice game of Capture the Flag at 2fort, while this song plays in the background, reminding us of what this masterpiece was and always will be."
A random YouTube comment