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Quotes / Skewed Priorities

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Cameron Frye: Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself.
Ferris Bueller: A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.

(after finding out that Alan accidentally roofied them)
Stu: You are such a fucking moron!
Alan: Your language is offensive!

You care about me saying "Mudblood" when I'm about to kill you?
Draco Malfoy to Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Late last night I returned home from my duties as royal envoy, to find my kin in a greater uproar than the southern city I had left behind. Ten months of Westgate's problems shrivel to insignificance when compared to the tragedy that has befallen the clan of the Wyvernspurs of Immersea.
How could the flattening of an entire neighborhood by a dragon corpse, followed by an earthquake and an underworld power-struggle, hope to compete with the theft of a family heirloom no larger than a zucchini and uglier than three-week-old sausage?
Giogioni Wvvernspur, Wyvern's Spur

Van Eck: If you fail, all the world will suffer for it.
Kaz: Oh, it's worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don't get paid.

Captain Gwent: We find a new planet, Captain gets to name it.
Father Lewis: Well, that should help tremendously, eh? At least when it squashes us flatter than rodent roadkill, we'll know what to call it. We won't have to race around screaming "Arg! Crushed to death by planet What's Its Name!"

    Live-Action Television 
Lister: You've got to get your priorities right! You know, it's like those people you read about who run back into a burning house to rescue some treasured piece of furniture and wind up burning to death. I mean, nothing's more important than a human life!
Rimmer: What about your guitar?
Lister: ...except my guitar.
Red Dwarf, "Marooned"

I hate to remind everyone but, um, I've just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire, Denholm is furious— so can we please please concentrate on what's important AND HELP ME PUT ON MY SHOES!
Jen, The IT Crowd

The whole Earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big 'ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.
Buffy to Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!
Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace"

Eric Taylor: Can I ask you a question? How can you even think about that stuff when you're in the mess that you are with your wife? Really.
Buddy Garrity: Pam will forgive me.
Eric Taylor: You think? You know what I think? I think you hide your head in football a little too much, Buddy. 'Cause I don't think you should care about the semis. I don't think you should care about who I'm having dinner with, or who the hell is even coaching the team. I think you need to worry about your family.
Friday Night Lights, "Extended Families"

[During a Flashed-Badge Hijack chase]
Jess Day: Hey, watch my soup!
Detective Jake Peralta: I'm chasing a criminal! Your soup is not important!
Jess Day: You took an oath to serve and protect. That applies to my soup.
Detective Jake Peralta: You know that's not what the oath is about. You're making a point you don't even believe in.
[The car crashes]
Detective Jake Peralta Dammit! He got away.
Jess Day: Yeah, well, I spilled my soup. You tell me which is worse.
Detective Jake Peralta: My thing! Very clearly my thing!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (and New Girl), "The Night Shift"

Vocational Guidance Counselor: Do you have any qualifications [to become a lion tamer]?
Mr. Anchovy: Yes, I've got a hat.
Vocational Guidance Counselor: A hat.
Mr. Anchovy: Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
Vocational Guidance Counselor: Yes, yes, I do follow the strategy. But you see, the snag is, if I now call Mr. Chipperfield and say to him: "Look here, I've got a 45-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer", his first question is not going to be: "Does he have his own hat". He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.
Monty Python's Flying Circus, Vocational Guidance Counselor Sketch

Kate: If you wanted me to be your wife so much, why did you sell me at a fair?!
Gypsy Ricky: I wanted a drink.

    Video Games 
"Hey commander. Check it out! Big news; the new Blasto movie is breaking opening-week records! There's also a big expose on quasar tournaments, tips on how to make your apartment look bigger, and... oh yeah, a big-ass Reaper invasion."
Joker, complaining about this in Mass Effect 3

"Well, I'd like to relax over a coffee now, but it seems that's not possible."
Richard Maxwell, Raiden V

I will delete that last report as SPAM. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you did not pause your rather delicate operation to inform me of your vehicular slaughter. We can continue on with this pleasant fiction, yes?
Richard Sonnac, The Secret World

You might not have heard, but the tales say that Lamitt roamed the land — without her helm. She willingly showed her face to those who weren't kin! She knew full well that it would dishonor her and us all, and she did it anyway. Then there's the part about bringing doom on all the world — not one of our taboos, really, but it's generally frowned upon.
Giott, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers, "Traditions and Travails"

    Web Original 
Brookyln Guy: That [phone call] does not matter, you are taking a test and you're driving is da-is dangerous-
Bowser: But [my mother is] cooking spaghetti!
Bowser: Oh my God, what, you don't want spaghetti, are you a hater-?
Brookyln Guy: I'm not in the mood for spaghetti!
SuperMarioLogan, "Bowser's Drivers License!"

dril: Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
craig: spend less on candles
dril: no

''We must be ready for war. No, not that kind of war! (Shows title card for his War Stories video) This is something far more serious than people dying, even more important than real life economic turmoil and geopolitical conflict. This is the greatest external threat a writer will ever face, people on the Internet saying mean things about one's work!"

Rata: Got to say, kind of progressive of you to join a metrosexual biker gang.
The One Whose Shape Was Snatched: You absolute donkey. This is no measly biker outfit, but the uniform for the Cyberdark Impacts, a new age activist group dedicated to constructing many houses and schools for the purpose of educating a small solitary man by the name of Billbury.
Rata: *beat* Sorry, did-what?

Tedd: So, what, if the rules were all ideal, magic wouldn't work?
Magic: Human spells would become random, the agitated energies forming massive storms of chaos magic.
Van: That sounds bad.
Magic: Yes. People would stop using magic.

"You get away from my food, my friend [Krillin], my two emergency foods [Oolong and Icarus], and my son! In that order."

Oh my God, is there anything worse than a snake...ohyeathegiantTyrannosauruswaitingformeoutsiiiiide!

Aveline: You, Varric, have a very large mouth.
Varric: And here I've always looked up to you. What is it now?
Aveline: There were fist-fights in the barracks over who was the model for your Guard serial.
Chuck: Is it really so important that we sort this out now? How about we stop the pending chemical weapons attack, and then deal with the petty bullshit afterwards? ARGH. No, sorry. I've only myself to blame. As a criminal, I forget I am so disproportionately civic-minded.

    Western Animation 
Lana: Ray is dying!
Archer: Does that mean so must my dream?
Archer, whose dream involved forming a lacrosse team out of Ruthless Modern Pirates

"I starred in twenty-two consecutive Doggy Chop commercials. Look at me now; I couldn't land an audition!"
King, Isle of Dogs

When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town
With a foot-and-a-half of water
Everyone was all right, but I cried all night;
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order
Hermes Conrad, Futurama

Rarity: I was this close to getting that diamond!
Twilight: (annoyed) You mean...getting rid of that dragon?
Rarity: Oh, yeah...sure.

Rarity: (while the Smooze is overrunning the Gala) My shoes will be ruined forever!
Applejack: That's what you're worried about? Really?
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, "Make New Friends But Keep Discord"

Cartman: (crying) My dad was a ginger!
Kyle: Dude, you killed your own dad and you're worried about that?!

Gwen: We've been at this for hours. If Ghostfreak trashes the campus, I'll never get admitted!
[Ben and Max give Gwen a look that says "Seriously? That's what you're concerned about?"]
Gwen: (nervously) Not like that isn't as important as saving all these innocent people.
Ben 10, "Ghostfreaked Out"

Lucy: Hey, manager! I think we should call the game.
Charlie Brown: Call the game?! Why should we call the game?
Lucy: It's raining on my cake!

Chuck's over there tripping out, and talking to a group of unknown synthetic beings living on a planet with wildlife about as deadly as the last one we were on, and the first thing you think is to defend your heterosexuality? What is WRONG with you?!

"...In fact, it seems that every single person in Night Vale was actually a secret agent waiting to be activated. We had all been implanted with the exact same code phrase, which is the kind of sloppy organisation that is just what our government is coming to."

"This is something far more serious than people dying, even more important than real life economic turmoil and geopolitical conflict! This is the greatest external threat a writer will ever face; People on the internet saying mean things about one's work!"

Real Life

"When Ron Artest was a rookie with the Chicago Bulls, he applied for a job at Circuit City to get the employee discount. If you know anything about economics and professional basketball salaries, this is a lot like dismembering only dwarf prostitutes for the plastic bag savings...If Ron Artest was an economist, he would immediately quit to lower his business card expenses. After he joined the Indiana Pacers, Ron started a side job promoting a girl group whose only hit was a Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam cover. He nagged his coach for a month off to pursue this and got suspended for two games. Economically speaking, this the same as taking $200,000 out of the bank to raise money-eating beetles."

Not only did WCW begin to sign names, but at the advice of their PPV head, Sharon Sidello, they also began to film expensive skits in an effort to sell their upcoming shows. These weren't cheap-looking productions filmed with standard television equipment; they were professionally filmed, and they looked like honest-to-God movies. And why not? They had the Turner family behind them, and if anyone could make such a production look high-end, it would be them. The only problem was that these skits were so horribly written and acted that the results were laughable, at best...Instead, fans were "treated" to Sting and Davey Boy playing volleyball with orphans on an island—and this is a direct quote—"somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico." Vader and Sid showed up to crash the party (on a war boat, no less!) and challenged the good guys to outdo them in a clam bake. No, just kidding, they challenged them to a match at Beach Blast. In the meantime, an evil one-eyed midget named Cheatum (yes, as in "cheat them") planted a bomb on Sting's boat and blew it to smithereens as the heels had a good laugh.

Let's look at the two scenarios we've presented. Scenario one, in which the heels beat up the faces and leave them sprawled out in the ring, would have cost approximately $0 extra to film. Scenario two, the amazingly well-produced but equally amazingly poorly written and performed orphans/ war boat/one-eyed midget/boat explosion route, wound up costing $80,000.
R. D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez The Death of WCW

"Oh, goody! That means I can go back inside and keep playing Minecraft!"
Zero Punctuation (On severe flooding in Brisbane)

"Several months after the second movie, Sunsoft released a tie-in game for the NES. The developers were able to make the game surprisingly faithful, despite being based on such unorthodox source material. The levels are almost all based on scenes from the movie, as are the weapons and many of the enemies...It's rather ironic that Sunsoft did a much better job adapting such an oddball film compared to some of their more well known releases such as Batman."
Keith McDOnald and Sam Derboo on Gremlins 2: The New Batch

George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an adviser to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three person U.N. commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.
Tina Fey, presenting the 2015 Golden Globes

And after that annoyance of natural disasters [a flood] was over, I searched for my Nintendo. I mean sure, there could be people DEAD outside, lying in the streets, DEAD. I should help them, but... Nintendo important!

"Oh, you're bleeding everywhere! Oh, you're bleeding everywhere! Get it off my designer Gucci glasses, and my Gucci purse!
Game Grumps; Jon, after Arin "shoots himself" because of Rugrats in Paris: The Movie

Wirz: As I have said—as I say for the last time—it was, to me, a military situation.
Chipman: But that was not a military situation; those helpless, unarmed men were no longer the enemy, no matter what Winder said. This was no longer a question of North and South, a question of war, but a question of human beings.
The Andersonville Trial, in regards to Henry Wirz's mindset in treating the prisoners at Andersonville. Obviously not Played for Laughs.

There's a couple- they were on a honeymoon, and the plane hadn't yet taken off, and the, um... The woman who had just gotten married just became violently and horribly ill on the plane. I mean, it was not like a pretty little, like, sick bag kind of thing, it was just like, "I'm going to paint with my organs." And people were freaking out all over the plane, and um... So they brought a stretcher down, and they put her on the stretcher, and they're wheeling her away, and like, the... The, um... Her- her new husband, he's kinda cruisin' along with the thing and he sees me and he's like, "Deadpool! No way, high five!" And I'm like "(stammering) what has she got?!" Like, what's happening, I don't wanna... Y'know, he's like "Let's touch eyeballs!" It's like no! No! And by the way: your wife is like half dead! Help her! Help her, man!


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