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Quotes / Schmuck Bait

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    Anime & Manga 
"If the bait is obvious, don't take it."
Kakashi, Naruto

    Comic Books 
Superboy: Now I've seen everything! Nobody would deliberately put me on guard, by putting a sign like that on a real trap!
Narration: Curiously... Well, let's face it... Stupidly, the Boy of Steel enters the trap!
Superboy: It's... Kryptonite-lined! I—I'm p-passing out...
Lex Luthor: I captured Superboy through his sheer dumbness!
Action Comics #259

Supergirl: There is a girl there. A prisoner. Test subject. She needs our help.
Batgirl: And how'd you find out about her?
Supergirl: Long-distance telepathic transmission. Only I can hear her.
Batgirl: Ah, the old incarcerated psychic trick. If I had a nickel for every time—

    Fairy Tales 
At last the third also came with the like intent, and the others screamed out, "Keep away; for goodness' sake keep away!" But she did not understand why she was to keep away. "The others are there," she thought, "I may as well be there too," and ran to them; but as soon as she had touched her sister, she remained sticking fast to her. So they had to spend the night with the goose.

    Fan Works 

Ruby held out a small book. "What is this?" Jaune asked.
"It's her dream journal. If you want to embarrass her, read it and bring it up when she tries to tease you. Oh, and for your own peace of mind, don't read pages 56, 75 or 93. See ya."
The younger girl skipped away. Jaune looked at the book. Out of curiosity, he opened it to page 56. Upon reading the first sentence, which included his name, he slammed it shut with his face red. "Well, I'm having nightmares tonight."

Himeko: ...but why would Dunbadoru-sensei have brought attention to it if he didn't want us going in?
Hermione: So that we knew that we weren't to go in it!
Himeko: But that just guarantees someone will go in it and find out why it's forbidden the hard way!
Hermione: And why do you say that?
Himeko: My mom's a book writer, and my dad directs movies. I know the... what's that word again, the stuff that every writer seems to use? Anyway, dad and Aiko'neechan would sit and watch some really bad American horror films and make fun of them at the same time. If you want someone to investigate something, you hide it then call attention to the fact that you're hiding something.
Hermione: This isn't a movie or a book, Himeko.

Kirito: Oh, wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys, even we're not dumb enough to fall for this-
(Gary promptly walks up to the chest and opens it)
Kirito: Sachi? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?
Sachi: (apologetic) Yeah... I thought it would save time...
(an alarm starts blaring and the room turns red)
Kirito: Oh yeah, we're sprinting to our deaths IN RECORD SPEED!

To definitely chop your own head off, turn to page 137.

    Film - Animated 

There's a stack of freshly-made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?
Shrek to Donkey, Shrek Forever After

Vidia: Tinker Bell, we're not supposed to go near human houses!
Tinker Bell: This isn't a human house! They're a lot bigger! Besides, the sign says "Fairies Welcome!"
Vidia: Who do you think wrote it? Humans!

Leader Dodo: Now don't fall in. If you do, you will definitely—
Crazy Dodo: (sprints in, not paying attention to where he's going) INTRUDERS! INTRU—WAAAAAAH! (trips and falls into crater; a sound of sizzling is heard)
Dodo Students: EEEEWWWW! OHHH!
Leader Dodo: ...burn and die.

Junior: Hunter?
Hunter: You're fired.
Junior: But-but-but...
Hunter: "But-but-but..." You are so idiotic! How were you not suspicious?
(camera zooms out to show only the front wall of a house between two dilapidated factory buildings.)
Junior: ...I thought it was a gentrifying neighborhood!

    Film - Live-Action 

Ah, ah... that's bait.
Max Rockatansky, Mad Max: Fury Road

Capt. Amazing: Oh looky here, a multi-frequency radio detonator. You should be more careful when discarding incriminating evidence.
Casanova Frankenstein: Oh, no, no, no this is quite an amusing little gizmo. It's really quite cool.
Capt. Amazing: Yeah? W-What is it?
(a puff of smoke goes off in Captain Amazing's face)
Capt. Amazing: (sniffs) Yuck.
Casanova Frankenstein: It's a chloroform-deploying portable enticement snare.
(Captain Amazing nods, nonplussed. Both foes stare at each other)
Capt. Amazing: (sniffs) ...Ah, dang!

Dana: <reading from Patience Buckner's diary> "I have found it. In the oldest books, the way of saving our family. My good arm is hacked up and ate, so I hope this will be readable. That a believer will come and speak this to our spirits. Then we will be restored and the great pain will return." And then... then there's something in Latin.
Marty: Okay, I'm drawing a line in the fucking sand here. Do not read the Latin.


If you know what's good for you, you will not do a Google search for "scrotum" and "elephantitis."
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH," the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

You could obsess over this building, grow frantic to unveil its mysteries and plumb its inviting depths. If you were that sort of person, you could start to feel that this building wants it bad, that it deserves to be the subject of military action, an espionage-driven commando raid, just to teach it to behave.
A few months ago, three highly motivated gentlemen assailed Project Albumen in fine special operations style. They wanted the secrets this building so plainly keeps beneath its lush deco exterior. After weeks of planning, they got into their sexy black outfits and made their move. They blew open the back door and, no doubt with a grand sense of empowerment and dominance, thrust mightily inside.
Unfortunately, the entire main building of Project Albumen is a honey trap. The interior is very large and has intricate folded metal all around the walls; this falsely gives the impression of a large number of secret doors and passages, so it took them twenty-nine or so minutes to establish that there are, in fact, no exits. Shortly thereafter they discovered that the sanctum sanctorum, the warm, secret heart of Project Albumen, is in fact rather cold and unwelcoming, because it floods on a half-hour cycle with liquid nitrogen. The motivated gentlemen were removed somewhat later in the day, when they had thawed enough to be prized loose from the floor.

Speakers would not be exact; and because they all told me not to pay attention to old Ammi Pierce's crazy tales, I sought him out the next morning...

That was the first I ever heard of shadowed Innsmouth. Any reference to a town not shewn on common maps or listed in recent guide-books would have interested me, and the agent’s odd manner of allusion roused something like real curiosity. A town able to inspire such dislike in its neighbours, I thought, must be at least rather unusual, and worthy of a tourist’s attention.

Make your choice, adventurous stranger
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder till it drives you mad
What would have happened if you had.
— An inscription on a pedestal with a small bell and hammer on it, The Magician's Nephew

On the Pantheon Isles ... never move without asking yourself, is this too easy?


    Live-Action TV 

The test is not whether you are suspicious, but whether you are caught.
Avonnote , Blake's 7, "Bounty"

When someone hands you a box and says there's something super crazy inside but you're not allowed to look in it of course you're gonna look in it!

Budnick: You can trash whatever you want to trash, destroy whatever you want to destroy, and nobody will punish you or bother you. You'll have complete freedom.
Ellen: Great.
Budnick: The only way you will be punished is if you push that little red button over there, but you will only be bringing the punishment on yourself.
Ellen: Oh yeah, what kind of punishment?
Budnick: You'll find out - but don't say I didn't warn you.

"Do Not Lean Out Of The Window." Wonder why...
Vivian, The Young Ones


There's always free cheddar in a mousetrap...
Tom Waits, Blood Money, "God's Away On Business"

    Video Games 

Warning: Choosing this story will wound you in unexpected ways and commit you to a path of damnation. This may be your last chance. Turn back now.
Fallen London, right before that particular questline gets a hundred times more horrifying

Fallen London, much later in that same storyline

The result will be by far the worst thing that can happen on this storylet. But aren't you curious?
Fallen London, letting you pick your death at sea be as as ridiculous as possible

Thou are forbidden from again laying eyes on this marker. Those who heed not this warning will suffer the pain of death.
(if you do read the tablet again...)
Mongrel who disobeyed the warning. Taste bitter death.
— A tablet in La-Mulana

I honestly, truly didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead, for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
GLaDOS, after Chell tries to open a blatantly fake door marked "GLaDOS Emergency Shutdown and Cake Dispensary. Keep Unlocked," Portal 2

Wheatley: Oh! You came back! Didn't actually plan... for that. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me? Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
(after an entire monologue of the things that can be "found" in the pit, including boy bands and pony farms)
And... Just jump down, would ya?
GLaDOS: You really do have brain damage don't you? I can't believe you came back.
(if Chell jumps down to the pit)
Wheatley: Oh! Wow! Good! I didn't think that was going to work.
[Achievement unlocked]

— Tooltip for making a covenant with the End of the Cycle, Stellaris

Maybe don't eat this. Seriously.
Streets of Rogue, description for the Cyanide Pill

It's Barrow-Brie! It's quite smelly and no doubt highly deadly. Only the unwise would eat it.
The Lord of the Rings Online, description of the Barrow-Brie consumable

"You still have much to learn about being a Fencer if you fell for such a cliche trick."
Tiara to Fang, Fairy Fencer F

This alien artifact seems to be emitting an extraordinarily powerful suppression field, as if it were keeping something very dangerous from awakening. Destroying it might have unexpected consequences, but would make for fascinating study.

Your chief science officer notes that opening it may be humanity-ending. One of your military advisers believes that there's a chance humanity could hold this new threat at bay while it ravages the AI. Either way, things are likely to be... lively.
Nanocaust Suppression Field Emitter description, AI War 2

At Starr Park, nothing could ever go wrong, and why would it? Come closer and we'll show you.
A plaque at Starr Park, an "amusement park" that captured certain people and attempted to make them into a legion of Super Soldiers, including the Brawlers, Brawl Stars


If you don't get why the Capsaicin Lounge would need someone on eyeball duty, go chop up a few dozen habaneros and then scratch your eye.

Forbidden Door: Hey! Hey buddy-forbidden door here! I'm not saying you don't want what's inside-just that-hoooo! You don't wanna get caught sneaking a peek!
Ivan: This is what? A moron trap? Fuck off.

Kids! Color this comic and win! Send your completed entry to your local newspaper c/o "This Letter Is Really A Mailbomb" and win! Be sure to include your return address.
Sonichu is Dead, Chapter 14

She Dwarf: Don't forget we are in the middle of some deadly trials here. These gems are certainly booby trapped.
Hack: Aww. She Dwarf! These four gems are each worth a whole kingdom on their own! We could live as royalty!
She Dwarf: Whoever set this test up sure had your number.

    Web Original 

What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? Come on kids, let's find out!

#9: I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

<heros> LOL, dude, I set up this little box on the side of my car
<heros> and theres a button on it with a sign, "Do not press"
<heros> and when you press it the car alarm goes off
<jeff> lol nice
<heros> so I'm gonna count how many people do it in a week
<heros> brb
<jeff> where u going?
<heros> car alarm went off
— #230078

So if I'm trying to download things and it turns out they're .exe files... they're the best! They're the best, you know, I listen to .exe files! [...] .exe file, huh? Mmmmmm! Again, when an MP3 file is 'Hulk Hogan.mp3.EXE', you know it's good. [...] "videoxxx avi DOT EXE." You think this is a good idea? SO DO I!

i totally pick up items next to ledges just to see how i will die
Xavier Allred, commenting on Dark Souls 2: Trolling Across Drangleic (w/ Krazy999) by Iron Pineapple

I guess I got to thinking my brain was hosed either way so what the hell and i don’t know why but i just went ahead and did it [read the SCP description] - couldn't help myself really - RESIST THE URGE - it’s clearly a Fridge-class cognitohazard and already it’s starting to sink in so this horse pill better work right quick
Researcher Andrews, SCP Foundation, SCP-2718

Terra: Master Xehanort! Why?
Xehanort: χ-BLADE! (I am actually an evil guy.) χ-BLADE! (By the way, if you can, please visit the Keyblade Graveyard. It is most definitely not a trap.)
(Smash Cut to Terra wandering around the Keyblade Graveyard)
Terra: Why am I still listening to him?


    Western Animation 

Night Master: Meet me here after your master is asleep.
Yin: Um... I don't know...
Yang: Yin! Spooky voice in a dark hallway promising us shortcuts in our training? What's not to trust?!

Freakazoid: Well, if it isn't—
Steph & kids: NO!!!
Freakazoid: What? I was just gonna say—
Steph & kids & Dr. Hanker: NO!!!
Dr. Hanker: Don't say it!!
Freakazoid: Don't say what??
Steph: Don't say his name!
Freakazoid: You mean 'Don't say Candle Jack'?
(One Gilligan Cut later, Freakazoid is tied up like the rest)
Steph: Freakazoid, why did you say his name...?

Sergeant Roderick: Second rule, no eating in my class. (pulls out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?
(Most of the students, SpongeBob included, resist; then...)
Student: Uh, I'll eat one!
(the other students and SpongeBob gasp; he goes to the box)
Roderick: Pick your favorite.
(the student picks one and eats it)
Roderick: How's it taste?
Student: It's a delightful taste sensation!
Roderick: NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM! (throws the student out one of the doors)
SpongeBob SquarePants, "Mrs. Puff, You're Fired"