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Quotes / Reality Ensues

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    Anime and Manga 

Fritz Stanford: HAHAHAHAHA! Are you afraid?! There's no way you're not! Now witness the awesome power of
Revy: Shut the fuck up. Can't you see I wasn't even listening? I mean, were you trying to sell me the damn gun or what?
Fritz: You fucking cu-!
(gets stepped on by Revy)
Revy: Now it's my turn to talk. Here's some advice: if you can hit your target, pretty much any gun'll do the trick. Now that's one to grow on. Say hi to the Fuehrer for me, would ya?

In a game, it would work!
Momogawa having trouble driving a real tank, Girls und Panzer

Minato: Meijin. Tell me, exactly what's wrong with this wonderful model?!
Meijin Kawaguchi III: Sakai, Gunpla is freedom. It has limitless possibilities. But, there are minimal rules everyone must follow! (pan back to show Fumina upset and embarrassed over said model) It's inexcusable you didn't get her permission!
Minato: But--
Gundam Build Fighters Try, "Our Gunpla"

I wanted to become a superhero. I studied hard and worked out, so I could do it. But, one day, my teacher told me the truth: There's no job market for superheroes.
Masayoshi Hazama, Samurai Flamenco

    Comic Books 
Cloud 9: C'mon, Abby. Just point and click. It's just like Xbox. Just like— (shoots down a Hydra fighter) Holy— I just blew up a plane.
Gauntlet: Good.
Cloud 9: No. I mean, in cartoons when they do that, you always see the guy bail out with a parachute. But he was still in there! I could feel the heat from the blast and— It's not like the cartoons at all, is it?
Gauntlet: No. It's not.

Sshhh. My common sense is tingling.

Fido: What exactly is an "open" and "closed" relationship again?
Ken: Well, in many cultures, including the one I was raised in, you kinda are expected to only... spend the nights with your mate-slash-romantic-partner, and nobody else.
Fido: ... That's odd... only thing I gotta go on here is genetic memory, and with hell hounds, their living situation is, um...
Ken: Yeah, that's why interspecies relationships often stumble over misunderstandings.

Hyacinthe: Between my expectations of love and reality, there are too many differences and that's annoying.
Dr. Hyppolite: Excuse me, I am a little distracted, come again?
Hyacinthe: I slept with a girl and now it burns when I pee. And it itches too.

Nobody at Hogwarts has to contend with stress diarrhea. Just one of the myriad ways in which reality is constantly disappointing compared to Y.A. literature.

If Wile E. Coyote gets run over by a steamroller, the result is a pancake-flat coyote who can be expected to snap back to three dimensions within moments; if Howard gets run over by a steamroller, the result is blood on asphalt.

    Comic Strips 
Reality continues to ruin my life.

    Fan Works 
Xaden: Just... just fight him then, Shoal! Use that new move Return!
(Shoal does Scratch Damage)
Xaden: What...? I thought Return was supposed to be super strong the closer we were... I did exactly what I saw on the TM... Did I teach it to you wrong? ...Or maybe... WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME, SHOAL?
Cross Out: Pokémon X Nuzlocke, page 14

Steven: Oh no! Eyeball and Aquamarine have fused!
Garnet: I wouldn't worry too much. They only have one eye, and they're flying...
Just then the new fusion slammed into a tree.

We stride forward in full view of our respective armies. The head of the Orthodox Church versus the head of the Latin Church. All combat ceases as our men watch their leaders do battle man-to-man.
I would like to say that this was an epic combat, that we fought for hours in a well-matched duel of heroes, the combat going back and forth with the outcome in doubt until the last second, Nicolaus playing the role of Hector to my Achilles.
I would like to say that Nicolaus fought well and bravely. That he was fired with holy righteousness and struck mighty blows with the power of Heaven behind him.
I would like to say those things, I really would. It would make for a far better story. Unfortunately, the reality was that Nicolaus was a 76-year old man who had never served on campaign. He could barely wield his sword, was a poor rider, and I believe soiled himself after my first blow. I am sure there is a man in this world who can best me in combat, but that man is not some damn priest.
It was over quickly.
Basileus Skantarios describes his duel with Pope Nicholaus IV, I Am Skantarios

Sir, I don't think love is a physical force that can stop us from being mauled by a grimm.

Pinkie Pie: ...he was the one who let the changelings into Canterlot! He's been working with them all along!
A mare: Horse feathers! He and Miss Sparkle saved all of Canterlot from those vile creatures. He couldn't had been in league with them.
Rainbow Dash: That's because he double-crossed them! Just ask Chrysalis herself!
A stallion: You're telling us to ask a creature who lies and deceives ponies to clarify the truth?!
Rainbow Dash: Oh.

Blackbeard: Ain't you learned from anime that you never interrupt a transformation sequence? Or an enemy's monologue? What did I even do to you?
Rikku: Anyone who lets you finish a "transformation sequence" deserves to be curbstomped, [and] talking is never a free action unless both sides are idiots.

    Film — Animation 
Just can it, wontcha?! You can't just make everything better by singing some stupid song!

    Film — Live-Action 
Reality is often disappointing... That is, it was.

Silicone carbide discs... ceramic matrices... accompanied laminate... cutting-edge body armor. We just sew it between the fabric and the lining. Zero penetration. However... (winces) quite painful, I'm afraid.

Lawrence Van Dough: What is all of this crap?
Regina Rich: These are our treasured possessions!
Van Dough: But where's the gold... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money! Where is the money?!
Richard Rich: In banks, where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Van Dough: No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there isn't one single platinum bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this entire mountain?!
Richard: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.

Bingo did not like having a round front door. Who would? Geometry dictates that such a door be held in place by only one hinge, and that this hinge cannot be placed in the most effective load-bearing position, so that the doorway is draughty and the door unwieldy to open, and able easily to be kicked completely in by any soddit still young enough to be wearing boots.
The Soddit

Contrary to what TV would have you believe, hospitals are not the breeding grounds of steamy affairs and sultry trysts between young, attractive medical professionals. Young, attractive people don't generally go into medicine: they go into acting. That way, they can play young, attractive medical professionals who have lots of steamy, sultry sex, without bothering with the years of study and risk of blood-borne pathogens. Those that do go into medicine tend to be not so young by the end and would rather get on with the business of stitching up gashes and performing triple bypasses than tongue each other in storerooms.
An Unattractive Vampire by Jim McDoniel

In each of the Fillory novels, one or two of the Chatwin children were always taken under the wing of a kindly Fillorian mentor who taught them a skill or a craft. In The World in the Walls Martin becomes a master horseman and Helen trains as a kind of forest scout; in The Flying Forest Rupert becomes a deadeye archer; in A Secret Sea Fiona trains with a master fencer, and so on. The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.
Learning magic was nothing like that. It turned out to be about as tedious as it was possible for the study of powerful and mysterious supernatural forces to be.

    Live-Action TV 
Kids, in life there are a lot of big, romantic moments, and they make life worth living. But here's the problem. Moments pass. And lurking just around the corner from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality.

Vocational Guidance Counselor: It's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking?
Mr. Anchovy: No no no no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.
Counselor: Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?
Anchovy: Yes, I've got a hat.
Counselor: A hat?
Anchovy: Yes, a hat. A lion-taming hat. A hat with "Lion Tamer" on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying "Lion tamer" in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
Counselor: I see, I see.
Anchovy: And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335C...
Counselor: The snag is, if I now call Mr. Chipperfield and say to him: "Look here, I've got a 45-year-old chartered accountant who wants to become a lion-tamer", his first question is not going to be "Does he have his own hat?" He's going to want to know if you've got any qualifications.

Grif: Maybe you should explain what's going on, and I could make an educated suggestion.
Simmons: "Educated?" Okay, fine. This computer is a dedicated interface with a highly developed security protocol. The information we are accessing is stored on a separate database with its own dedicated hardware. That system has its own distinct layer of security. From what I can tell, the two systems verify their identities by trading randomly generated two thousand fifty six bit encryption keys. I'm trying to spoof one of those keys right now. So, Grif. I'm all ears. Any suggestions?
Grif: Oh yeah, I've seen that before. You should try uploading a virus to the mainframe.
Simmons: Jesus.
Grif: I find viruses that feature a laughing skull tend to work the best.
Simmons: Shut the fuck up and let me work!

Because life is a gradual series of revelations that occur over a period of time
It's not some carefully crafted story; it's a mess and we're all gonna die.
If you saw a movie that was like real life, You'd be like, "What the hell was that movie about?
It was really all over the place."
Life doesn't make narrative sense.

I cannot believe that she thought that she could feed a prince to a Bengal tiger and that there would be no political consequences!

    Video Games 
It's never going to matter how much you "want it" when you're up against someone who can kill you with a sneeze.
Bedman, Guilty Gear Xrd

The bean-counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway! Ground 'em up, mixed 'em into a gel. And guess what? Ground-up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill.
Cave Johnson, Portal 2

Attention, test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts. I don't know what nonsense you learned on TV, but in real life, air ducts just go to the air conditioning unit. It's also pretty dusty, so if you've got asthma, chances are you're gonna die up there. And we'll be smelling it for weeks because, again, the air ducts aren't a secret escape hatch, they're how we ventilate the facility.
Prison Warden Cave Johnson, Portal 2

I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison... is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors, with locks! Locks that don't open when the power goes out!
Space Warden Cave Johnson, Portal 2


    Web Animation 

Quackerjack: Behold! My master plan! On one gondola, dozens of innocent citizens. On the other, convicted criminals. And both gondolas are filled with high explosives. Hehehehe!
Dewey: So?
Quackerjack: So, I gave the people on each gondola a detonator for the other. Now, each side is faced with a moral dilemma. Kill or be killed, and they have 15 minutes to decide before I do! Hahaha!
(a gondola blows up)
Quackerjack: What the...?! What just happened?!
Louie: Looks like the criminals blew up the civilians.
Quackerjack: But they weren't supposed to do that! I wanted to push the button!
Dewey: Then you shouldn't have given them detonators.
Louie: Especially to the criminals.
Ducktalez 6: The Duck Knight

Rusty: You guys stole Pikachu and I'm here to rescue him. Bidoof, GO! Bidoof, use Bite!
(a Team Rocket Grunt pulls out a gun and shoots the Bidoof)
Rusty: What?! NO! That's cheating!
Team Rocket Grunt #1: Yeah. We're criminals. Duh. What was your plan here?
Rusty: Uh, I was going to defeat each of you sequentially in Pokemon battles and then you'd give up, and then give me my Pokemon back and maybe like some money or something.
Team Rocket Grunt #2: Wow. Dumb plan. Tony, kill him.
Pokémon Rusty'' Season 2, Episode 6: "The Newest Member of Team Rocket"


Krosp: I'm the Emperor of All Cats. Think about it. Cats can go anywhere. They're invisible. Nobody looks twice. Imagine if you could use them as spies — messengers — saboteurs — and I give the orders.
Agatha: And it didn't work?
Krosp: Oh, it worked perfectly. I'm the highest ranking cat there is.
Agatha: Then why
Krosp: Because they're cats! They're animals! They can't grasp complex concepts! Their attention span can be measured in microseconds! If I can even get them to understand what I want — they're completely gung-ho until they fall asleep or see something move!

Peggy: [Upon seeing Sydney trying to sing "You're The Best (Around)" while doing press-ups.] What, uh... what?
Sydney: I'm trying to jumpstart the Training Montage. [Huff huff] You know... [Huff] So I just have to do one or two of each thing and then I'm done.
Peggy: Ah, well, I see the logic, but unfortunately exercise doesn't work like that, Sydney. You have to actually be here for every rep.

(All the heroes are having a meeting at Bugs Bunny's burrow, accessible through a small hole in the ground)
Shadow: Ok guys, due to the fact that The Hulk isn't able to fit down here, one of you will have to fill him on the plan later.

Wyrmspawn: Silly little girl. You really think an eight-year-old is going to save the Infused from an everlasting reign of evil? Have you ever wondered why you've never seen an eight-year-old corporate executive, or an eight-year-old lawyer, or an eight-year-old particle physicist?
Hermione Expy: It's because children still have hearts filled with magic, and heads filled with dreams!
Wyrmspawn: No. That's not why. (shoots the children) It's because eight-year-olds are fucking idiots, that's why. Next time, think to put up a ward against bullets, too.

    Web Original 

The ending of TAS is brilliantly written. It has a profound effect on the sensitive reader. It can leave you feeling upset for days, and the first reaction is to try to think of ways in which this terribly unfair (or so it seems) conclusion can be reversed. The temptation to rush to the keyboard and fix Philip Pullman's ending is hard to resist.

But wait. Please. Think about it a little. This book is "stark realism", as PP has said. Or to put it another way, bad things happen to good people. It's simply the way the universe is made. [...] A sacrifice has to be complete and irreversible if it is to have any meaning. It’s all as straightforward as that.
Ceres Wunderkind, "The Commandments of HDM Fanfic"

In general, a sports speech is delivered mostly to satisfy the ego of the person delivering it. Watch any NFL Films clip of Ray Lewis firing up his teammates for the eight thousandth time if you’d like proof... If you’ve watched enough movies where the hero gives a speech, (Braveheart, Gladiator, Patton, etc.), pretty soon you picture yourself doing likewise. Because in those movies, the players and/or soldiers are just automatons. The leading is more lionized than the action. I’ve muttered UNLEASH HELL to myself a thousand times at completely random moments. There's the illusion that your words have such remarkable power that they can magically unlock the talents and ambitions of those around you. MY WORDS! MY POWERFUL WORDS!

Jon: Oh ho ho! Looks like they caught ol' Kevin after all. His tricks and toy cars weren't enough to keep the fully-grown robbers with more-developed brains at bay.
Newspaper Headline: Missing since 1992.
JonTron plays Home Alone for the SNES

Despite these dubious advertising tacticsnote , at first, it seemed to work; a fair few [copies of Action 52] did sell. But, unfortunately, this all backfired pretty quickly. Word-of-mouth began to spread: the games were a mess - some of them didn't even work - and the price was insulting. Bear in mind, the Super Nintendo cost $200 on launch, and Action 52 was asking for the exact same price!

His face set in an expression of grim determination, Don raised his leg and slammed the heel of his foot into the lock. There was a satisfying crack as the door completely failed to burst open in an explosion of reinforced metal. A crippling pain shot up his leg and a feeling of nausea overwhelmed him as the source of the cracking sound became apparent.

At the 2007 video game convention E3, Activision hired Jamie Kennedy to host their press conference. And I know what you're thinking: the nerd-pounding alpha male coming off the Oscar-snubbed hit Kickin' It Old School and a room full of video game players? This is going to be a bloodbath!

That's what he thought, too. He was going to dominate these stupid nerds so hard that he didn't bother to prepare. He got wasted and went on stage with nothing more than a few talking points about nerds not getting laid. [...] His drunken train wreck got shredded in the press. Jamie didn't get this explained to him, but E3 is the biggest media event for the biggest media industry. Most of the audience members he was mocking were journalists, and dozens if not hundreds of them wrote about it. Activision found out that if you show someone the 28th Tony Hawk's Pro Skater game and then have a boozy actor disrespect their genitals, one of those events is more notable.

"YOU MUST BAKE! Yeast is in your BLOOD! SUGAR IS YOUR LIFE FORCE! SPREAD THE JOY OF BUTTER!" among the women who run it. The bakery is work. It's work they love, and they use recipes that are a family heirloom of experience and technique, but it is not an experience during which destiny and magical baker dust combine to protect them from the utter boredom of payroll, or the drudgery of cleaning. The bakery is a vocation, and a job, and it is an equal part of luck and labor that yield the success they’ve had so far. If Sophie had a motto on the wall, it'd probably be that "Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet." Sophie works her ass off, as do her grandmother and the rest of their employees, and I had a lot of respect for her for that aspect of her character alone.
Review of Sugar Rush

This was my experiment island, and they're all dead. It turns out that overly irradiated creatures don't last very long.

    Western Animation 

BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about... you know. I feel bad about what happened.
Herb: So you're apologizing.
BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry.
Herb: Okay. I don't forgive you.
BoJack: ...Herb, I said I'm sorry.
Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
BoJack: Uh... Not sure you get what's happening here. This could be the last time that—
Herb: No. I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, EVER going to be okay!

Doctor Hartman: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh my.
Doctor Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor Hartman: Well that's just silly.
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic... yes.

If anybody from the outside world could see how you treat me, you would be in JAIL!

It's so cold my processor is running at peak efficiency!

Sweetie Belle: I don't get it. Big grand gestures always work in the fairy tales.
Big Macintosh: But Sugar Belle is not a fairy tale princess. She's a real pony.

Mr. Burns (disguised as an elementary school student): Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Buh!
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Dr. Maheswaran: You seem to have made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that hasn't changed the fact that you experienced trauma. You've recovered physically, but have you recovered mentally?
Steven: You think there's something wrong with my brain?
Dr. Maheswaran: Not wrong. It's that adverse childhood experiences, or childhood trauma, can have a lasting impact on how your body responds to stress. This can affect your social, emotional and physical development. When humans are in crisis, the brain releases the hormone cortisol; your heart races, your muscles tense. I wonder if your body is reacting to a Gem equivalent of cortisol. Steven, do you remember anything bad in your childhood that particularly stuck with you?
Dr. Maheswaran: (horrified) Steven, this is serious!
Dr. Maheswaran: I think all these experiences have been subjecting your body to a harmful amount of stress, and that's affecting your ability to respond to new forms of stress in a healthy way. You've been dealing with genuine threats from such a young age, your body is now responding to minor threats as if your life were in danger.
Steven Universe: Future, "Growing Pains"

    Real Life 
Nature cannot be fooled.

The thing you need to understand about my high school anecdotes is that the teachers at my high school were basically straight out of a 1980s teen comedy. We had the stoner art teacher; the pyromaniac chemistry teacher; the creepy romance-obsessed French teacher; the sadistic wood shop instructor; the phys ed coach who only ever failed to show up for gym period hung over when he showed up drunk; the amiably befuddled principal who only cared about the football team - the whole gang was there.

Another thing you need to understand is that this is nowhere near as fun in practice as 1980s teen comedies make it look. Like, kids almost died.

In the second paragraph I declare, without the slightest evidence or argument, that "physical reality" is at bottom a social and linguistic construct. Fair enough. Anyone who believes that the laws of physics are mere social conventions is invited to try transgressing those conventions from the window of my apartment. I live on the twenty-first floor.


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