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Quotes / Poor Man's Porn

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Niles: That was the same period where you insisted on wearing the wax earplugs and the slumbermask.
Frasier: Well I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the National Geographic.
Niles: I was looking at the maps.
Frasier: That's what makes it so scary.
Frasier, "Beloved Infidel"

When he bought the magazine, the cashier supposed Trout was drunk or feeble-minded. All he was getting, the cashier thought, was pictures of women in their underpants. Their legs were apart, all right, but they had on underpants, so they were certainly no competition for the wide-open beavers on sale in the back of the store.

(frustrated at constantly being contradicted by the lie detector) All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalogue! (Lie detector contradicts him) Sears catalogue. (Lie detector agrees)

Oolong: You know there's ACTUAL porn on the Internet, right?
Master Roshi: (Watching aerobics) Pig, you gotta be able to appreciate the classics. It's what separates the perverts from the connoisseurs.
Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Episode 54

"I was in this bureau while you were still popping zits on your funny face, and jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog."
Pappas, Point Break

Real Life

“Holy wow look at that! The stain on the wall behind my TV is exactly the same shape as New Caledonia! If only this overblown footage of people I don’t know, fighting over people I don’t know for reasons unexplained, could be as interesting.” After all, I know the backstory for that stain: it was left by an errant jet of spunk after I watched Free Willy for the first time.

"The first thing I noticed about this video is the warning on the front and the back of the box that it CONTAINS NO NUDITY. Are you trying to protect my delicate sensibilities, Dirty Line Dancin'? Call me non-retarded, but maybe an instructional video on how to dry hump isn't the best place to take your moral stand against nudity. I ought to masturbate to this on principle."

"At my house, we didn’t get cable until the early 90s and we only got it because a guy at my mom’s work sold her a descrambler box on the cheap. (What is the statue of limitations for descrambler boxes?) So I never knew that while I was watching boring, basic antenna TV, HIGH ART was being broadcast on MTV...The Aerobicise segments were simple yet highly, highly artistic. A group of graceful swans, who were done up like they just sashayed out of a Glamour Shots studio, stood in a circle on a Lazy Susan of perfection and busted out some stunning moves that made them look like they were doing an ancient tribal dance to make Gerard Butler appear. Long before Miley Cyrus smeared salmonella all over Robin Thicke’s crotch by rubbing her undercooked chicken paillard ass on it, MTV filled the eyes of viewers with twerking glamour like this."