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Obi-Wan: We're messing up the GM's plans again. He probably had this whole city mapped out.
GM: No, you guys have been great for my improvisation. I've learnt not to plan ahead more than ten minutes.

GM: The Prophetess of Kell reads your omens and says that each of your number is destined to find one of the Signets of Power and be a Champion of Light in the coming Holy Wars. Once all of you have the Signets the Champions of Darkness will be released, and the fate of the world shall be decided.
Player: (Out of Character) Champion of Light, huh? So that explains all the stupid stuff going on lately. I ask the Prophetess where my Signet is to be found....
GM: (as Prophetess) Ritualist Timon, your Signet may be found in the ruins of the Tower of Theurgy, guarded by wards only your hand may breach.
Player: (in character) Tower of Theurgy, huh? I pull out my map and a compass. I draw a 10-mile radius circle on the map, centered on the Tower of Theurgy.
GM: (looking confused) Okay....
Player: I then ritually Geas myself to never set foot within the area represented on the map, lest I instantly die.
Player: (addressing the Prophetess) Looks like the war has been called off...
GM: (sobs quietly)

I just blew up my first gate. I'm not sure why I did it, really. I am not playing by the rules anymore.
Rose Lalonde, Homestuck

Heck, as far as I'm concerned, the presence of players is a necessary evil at best. I think most gamemasters will agree that their world functions significantly more smoothly before the PCs ever show up.
Redcloak, preface to The Order of the Stick: On the Origins of PCs

The Mouth of Sauron: Is there anyone amongst this rabble with the authority to-
"Aragorn:" Yeah, let's speed this up. (decapitates the MoS)
DM: What? You attack him? During parlay? What is wrong with you guys? This is the third time you've killed someone during negotiations!
"Legolas:" And yet they keep falling for it! It's hilarious.
DM: You're supposed to be a king! Can't you at least pretend to be one for a few seconds?
"Aragorn:" If I hadn't shot him Legolas would have.
"Legolas:" He's right, too. I was just about to announce my attack.
"Aragorn:" What's the big deal? So he's dead.
DM: I have like, four pages of dialog written for him.
"Aragorn:" Oh now I'm really glad I killed him.

"Mahyar writes the plot, Bob criticizes it, Krayn enjoys it, Fred ignores it, and Seb balls it up!"
Bob Lennon, on the plot of Aventures

Mahyar: The quest was bring a crown from point A to point B.
Seb: We can't do it! It's too hard!

Mahyar: Okay, I've made a one-shot campaign, we'll probably be done around 1 am.
(Beat before the four players start laughing)
Bob: (still laughing) He thinks we can do it in four hours! You know what that means, we won't leave until 5 am.
Seb: I'll go make some coffee.
Aventures, the beginning of the 5th Live scenario

Fundamentalist fearmongering video: This dungeon "master" is given complete control and "players" must do whatever dark things are demanded of them.
Real DM: Please, just cross the river. You've all tried to seduce the catfish and it didn't work. I'm begging you.
—Tumblr chat post [1]

"'Freelic jumps into the pit to gather the treasure!' Jay Jay nerdily proclaims, 'How much does Freelic get?' ...The camera switches to Daniel, whose expression is priceless. It's the look a DM gets when an otherwise sharp player does what could be the most blitheringly stupid, disasterous thing possible to his campaign and it's going to take him a minute to fully process a description of how dead Freelic is. Oh dear God, his face reads, there aren't enough clerics in the world to rez this guy."

With this character's death, the thread of prophecy is severed. Restore a saved game to restore the weave of fate, or persist in the doomed world you created.
The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, if you kill a plot-essential NPC

Magnus: Okay. Here's the thing; you should run away.
Lord Commander: That's an option?
Magnus: Yes. Run away! Go back West! And I'll set you up with a brand new adventure. A fair one, in the Moot! It'll be fun! You'll have a clean slate! You won't be killed by the guards, you won't be eaten by an ogre, and most importantly, you can finally experience a story! With themes and characters! You'll be making a brand new mythos in a way. You will be the centerpiece of a story! Weavers of a tapestry of dreams and jubilation! Just run away, take father's pseudo-corpse with you, and GO BACK!
Whammudes: NO! You are dishonorable, Magnus! I will not run to this land of empty promises like a coward! This may be a tram ride into hell, but it was forged of our own decisions. We made this adventure our own, through the pitfalls, and the mistakes, and the critical failures, and the destruction of my fabulous knightly bottom! But it is ours! And the fact that it's ours, the fact that we have made this... That makes it worth fighting for! I will stay to SPITE you, AND YOUR RAILROADING WAYS!
Grand Provost Marshall: Yeah...
Master of the Administratum: YEAH!
Rogal Dorn: Yes.
Grand Provost Marshall: Fuck you, Magno, you ruined my clown-goblin illegality law!
The God-Emperor of Mankind: New game goal: Spite Magnus.
Magnus: Okay, FINE! If you want to fucking DIE, then you shall fucking DIE!

Applejack: Twilight, did you derail the campaign again somehow?
Twilight: What are you talking about? I'm not even in the same ROOM!

If you try to enforce a "serious" tone, it just makes the gags funnier, and the players will treat you with the same casual blasphemy orangutans show to God.
Tumblr user theaustintollhaus


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