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Quotes / Must Have Caffeine

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    Anime and Manga 
Shirogane suffered from chronic sleep deprivation! If he did not refuel his caffeine reserves every three hours, he would collapse as if he had run out of battery. An extreme case of caffeine addiction!!

    Comics 
"10:10 PM, grab a death coffee from Mr. Yang, the food pervert. He melts a Hershey bar into a pot of filter coffee, pours a 1602 and then drops a depth-charge of espresso on it. And maybe crystal meth. I don't know anymore what feels worse: Having one death coffee a day, or skipping it."
Det. Richard Fell, Fell

Roger: Coffeeeee...
Andrea: The pot's over by the fridge.
Roger: Coffeeeee...
Andrea: The fridge is over there.
Roger: Coffeeeee...
Andrea: See that thing with the blinking red light?
Roger: [slrrrrrrrrrp]
Andrea: Roger, that's the answering machine!

"One day I realised that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee."
Wally, Dilbert

Fourbucks Worker: Um...caffeine isn't a religion.
Phoebe: Maybe not to you.
Zits

Jon: Good morning, Garfield.
Garfield: GOOD MORNING!
Jon: You gotta cut down.
Garfield: YES, THANKS! I WILL HAVE AN 11TH CUP OF COFFEE!
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    Fan Works 
Spike plopped the book onto the counter. “Anything else, Twilight?”
Twilight ran a hoof through her ravaged mane. “Yes,” she said simply. “Your job, Spike, your only job today, is to find me a cup of coffee. I don’t care what you have to do, what resources you have to expend, just get me my caffeine. You are my number one assistant, Spike, and this is our number one priority. Understand?”

Professor Ozpin strolled leisurely through the cafeteria, a certain cheerful bounce to his step and a cup of steaming fresh coffee clutched contentedly in his hand. Coffee was of extreme importance to the professor, and today he had achieved the absolute perfect ratio of liquids to sugar. It was always a good day when good coffee was involved. Like a king admiring his lands, he proudly surveyed the student body, sitting in their respective groups and cliques. There was something special about this particular year of students, he thought. He couldn't put his finger on it, but they just all seemed predominantly exceptional, especially the new freshmen.
[various shenanigans later]
The cafeteria filled with the shrieks of students as they frantically scrambled to avoid being drenched in the sprinklers' torrential downpour. Ozpin stood like a statue in the center of the room, amidst the chaos. His water-laden hair drooped over his face and concealed his expression. Ever so slowly, he tilted the cup to his lips and took an experimental sip. Somehow retaining his composure as he became more and more soaked, the professor walked slowly over to a table and set his coffee cup lightly on it. He then turned, sauntered over to the nearest trash bin and spat out the sip of coffee that he had kept in his mouth. Watered down coffee was disgusting, and the sugar ratio had been ruined by the extra liquid. He thought to himself that maybe he was wrong; this year's students were nothing special. In fact they were horrible and there should be a school-wide increase in the homework load for all of them.
— "Fried Ice" a RWBY fic by Zephyscribenote 

"Coffee is pretty much the only thing I do in the kitchen that’s actually fit for human consumption, and I do it damn well, if I do say so myself. He’d take it from me with some appreciative caveman grunts and retreat to his room to dress and evolve another few hundred thousand years."

He was a wise man, a humble man, but a man cursed by an inescapable addiction to coffee.
Ozpin, as described in "The Crown of Atlas"

"That was horrid! That viscous liquid was scalding hot! I have no idea how anyone, Gem or human would willingly put such a foul substance into their body! Which is why I have to ask... do you have any more?!"
[...]
"W-what? No! I
need more of that deliciously bitter liquid! I can already feel my energy starting to wane without it! I demand that you give me more of it immediately!"
Peridot gets her first taste of coffee, Universe Falls

‘But what about what it’s doing to you?’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘One: I have been successfully drinking this since longer than you have been alive. Two: We are in Hell Week, and no one is surviving if I don’t have my Resurrection Coffee. Three: Your father is the reason I’m in the boat I am and he refuses to budget in a decent bucket to bail with.’

"COFFFEE! THAT WONDERFUL, BLACK, LIFE GIVING BLOOD THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO SUSTAIN HUMAN LIFE. GIMMIE, GIMMIE, GIMMIE." My mind immediately shrieked.

    Film 
Luigi: Someone's gonna hang if I don't get my COFFEE!
Assistant: Decaf sir?
Luigi: I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Tim: So you're a talking Pikachu with no memories who's addicted to caffeine.
Pikachu: I can stop whenever I want. These are just choices. [to barista] Another round, extra shot, [sotto voce] black as night, thank you sweetie.
Ludicolo barista: LUDICOLO!

    Literature 
On arrival, I'm gasping for a cup of coffee. I function only once I've had a shot of the strongest Java. The PFY keeps moaning that the amount of the stuff I drink is leaving me totally wired, although as far as I'm concerned, I'm completely 802.11 until I've had my first couple of shots of caffeine in the morning.

It's nearly twelve o'clock, I have a mild headache, and after a minute or three I diagnose an excess of blood in my caffeine stream, so I head to the break room. People get out of my way, either because I have become a giant cockroach overnight or, less unreasonably, because I look like death and I will reap the soul of anyone who gets between me and my coffee.

"I've got to get something inside me. Some coffee or something. And then the world will somehow be better."
Captain Samuel Vimes, Men at Arms

"I came for coffee. If you have consumed all the coffee, I am going to straight-up fucking murder you, and drink a latte out of your skull."

    Live-Action TV 
Lorelai: I already had the longest day of my life and oh look, it's only 10! How nice!
Luke: There's no coffee.
Lorelai: That's not funny.
Luke: I can get you herbal tea.
Lorelai: This is not a herbal tea morning, this is a coffee morning.
Luke: Every morning for you is a coffee morning.
Lorelai: This is a jumbo coffee morning. I need coffee in an I.V.
Luke: I can give you tea and a balance bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please, tell me you're kidding!
Luke: I'm kidding. [goes to get the coffee]
Lorelai: You're sick!
Luke: Yup.
Lorelai: You're a sadist, you're a fiend! [Luke comes out with the pot of coffee] You're pretty!
Gilmore Girls, episode two

Lane: [referring to coffee given to Lorelai at the diner] I made it extra strong. It should blacken your teeth and rot your stomach.
Lorelai: Bless you.
Gilmore Girls, season 5 episode 2

Luke: Want some coffee?
Lorelai: I'm beyond coffee.
Luke: Beyond coffee. This is big.
Gilmore Girls, season 6 episode 6

"Coffee is the lifeblood of Seattleites, like Guiness Stout for the Irish or bad Burt Reynolds movies in Alabama."
John Kiester, Almost Live! Guide to Living in Seattle

"There's coffee in that nebula."
Captain Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager

"If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half-hour it took to get to the register I should. be. allowed. to kill them."
Dr. Cox, Scrubs

Commander Benjamin Sisko: Something wrong?
Major Kira Nerys: No, nothing.
Sisko: If something's bothering you, Major, I want to hear it.
Kira: It's just that every morning for the last year, I've seen you walk in here and start your day with a raktajino.note 
Sisko: I love raktajino.
Kira: I know. You never even talk to anyone until you've had your first cup.
Sisko: I'm not awake until I've had my first cup.

"Coffee first!"
Captain Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek: Voyager

    Music 
Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition

These days it comes in pills, it comes in little cans,
Next it'll be suppositories, sounds like a plan
But I like to make my coffee, like to brew it up and chug,
And kid myself it's still a drink and not just a drug

More coffee for me, boss
'Cause I'm not as messed up as I want to be
They Might Be Giants, "Hearing Aid"

Pour bien commencer
ma petite journée
et me réveiller
moi, j'ai pris un café


[For a good start
To my little day
And to get me up
I had a coffee]
— "Le Café by Oldelaf" (linked to video with subs)

If I can't take
my coffee break
my coffee break
my coffee break
If I can't take
my coffee break
Something within me dies.

I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption
So when I get up I just have one cup of coffee
And I like to have another cup of coffee with my breakfast
And on the way to work I like to get a cup of coffee
I like the kind of cup of coffee you get with your donuts
But I never get the donut I just have the cup of coffee
And when I get to work I have a cup of coffee
'Cause I like a coffee when I'm talking on the phone
But it usually goes cold and I need to get another cup of coffee
And its lunch and I have an espresso~
Jim's Big Ego, "Stress"

"Ei! wie schmeckt der Coffee süße,
Lieblicher als tausend Küsse,
Milder als Muskatenwein.
Coffee, Coffee muß ich haben,
Und wenn jemand mich will laben,
Ach, so schenkt mir Coffee ein!"


["Mm! how sweet the coffee tastes,
More delicious than a thousand kisses,
Mellower than muscatel wine.
Coffee, coffee I must have,
And if someone wishes to give me a treat,
Ah, then pour me out some coffee!"]
Lieschen, Schweigt stille, plaudert nicht (a.k.a. "The Coffee Cantata"): IV. - Aria

When I wake up in the morning
Smell of coffee gets me going
Gotta be at work at night
Need that jolt of brood arabica
You should know everywhere I go
You're always in my pantry, in my cup, in my soul
Coffee Folgers is the classic roast
Folgers is my coffee!
The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup
Gotta have my jobber
Gonna need a caffeine enema
No one needs it more than me!
Asalieri, To the Tune of... Chicago's "You're the Inspiration"

I'm in a desperate way
I'm very near the end
And all I know's a triple shot of joe is my only friend...
Alice Cooper, "Caffeine"
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    Tabletop Games 
"The Living Guildpact rules that coffee is an acceptable substitution for rest, as specified in subsection ... whatever."

    Video Games 
Blacker than moonless night
Hotter and more bitter than hell itself...
That is coffee.

Shantae: You guys doomed humanity for a bag of coffee?!
Rottytops: Well, it was before 9:00 AM, so...
Shantae: Half-Genie Hero

    Webcomics 
"Here's a triple-shot in the dark. If that doesn't wake you up, you've been dead for a week."
Dora Bianchi (owner of Coffee of Doom) Questionable Content

Eastwood: Why do I drink coffee?
Lothar: Hm? What d'ya mean?
Eastwood: It's bad for me, it smells horrible, and tastes worse...
Lothar: Well, if you feel that way about it, just lemme take this cup and-
Eastwood: AND IF YOU TRY TO TAKE IT FROM ME I WILL BREAK YOUR ARM.
Lothar: ...'kay...

Amy: Coffee is rocket fuel for your mind, Shauna. It's very good for you.
Shauna: Don't most rockets explode?

Arthur: Dude, just admit it... you have a coffee addiction.
Gramp: No I don't.
Arthur: You had four cups by 8 AM.
Gramp: No I didn't.
Arthur: You drank two more before mowing the lawn!
Gramp: No I didn't.
Arthur: You're lovingly hand-grinding coffee beans RIGHT NOW.
Gramp: [doing just that] No I'm not.

    Web Original 
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
The Jo Must Flow...
— Popular Usenet Sig

Phoenix Wright: Coffee... need coffee...
Twilight Sparkle: I told you Phoenix, we didn't have any...

"Anyone standing between Janeway and a cup of Folger's is toying with forces that would make Lovecraft whimper."
SF Debris, "Q2"

Warren Danton: [at a very fancy party] Grace! Gracie P! Are you having any fun?
Grace Poole: [on edge and high-strung] Yes, Warren, thank you. [...] Actually, Warren, I really don't think this is...
Warren Danton: You know what, Gracie? I don't think you are enjoying yourself properly. What are you drinking? [takes her cup and sniffs it] This is COFFEE!

Ship's Computer: Dyou want a bevrige? [sic]
Eagrus: Coffee! I need it!

    Western Animation 
Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your skin's greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?
Fry: 'COURSE I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. [promptly falls asleep, snores twice, then wakes up again] COFFEE TIME!
Futurama, "300 Big Boys"

"Ice Bear. Needs. More. COFFEE."
Ice Bear, We Bare Bears, "Coffee Cave"
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    Real Life 
The Navy could probably win a war without coffee but it wouldn't like to try.
Samuel Eliot Morrison, Naval historian

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
Paul Erdős, attributed.

"How do you take your coffee?"
"Often."

It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of Java that my thoughts acquire speed, that my hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning. It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion.
Memetic Mutation of the Mentat Mantra from Dune (1984)


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