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Clerk 1: Aw, yeah... Nuketown!
Clerk 2: Yeah! I am the Mayor of Nuketown! My campaign promise is pain!
Clerk 1: Oh yeah? Well you can go ahead and crown me Miss Nuketown USA! My talent is tap-dancing... (dances, jazz hands) on your grave!
Clerk 3: Oh yeah? Well I'm the city planner of Nuketown! I lay down the infrastructure... so that... transit can run on time... I'll get back to you. (wanders off)
— Gamestop commercial for Call of Duty

    Anime and Manga 

The real saying is "If the wind blows, the bucket maker has good sales." Which means that sneezing is proof of you being cursed by someone. In order to get rid of that curse, you need to obtain a straw doll. Additionally, you need long nails, which in turn leads to a lot of business for nail makers, causing a supply shortage. As a result, construction of houses becomes almost impossible, and everybody has to live in pit-like dwellings. That in turn leads to less wood being used, and less forests being cut down. Because the forests are being protected, the CO2 levels are reduced, and everybody is happy because of an environmentally responsible lifestyle.
Yuuki, Kanamemo


    Fan Works 

I always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isn't like that at all. You can't have sex with your neighbor's above-ground backyard pool... What was I talking about?
Haru, 50% OFF

We are the Dark Knights for justice. Because as children we were nursed on the milk of justice, and as we grew up we acquired a taste for justice. Now as we get older we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk! So we go to Starbucks! And we get a coffee! But it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS!? IT'S TERRIBLE! And now you all understand what our mission is. And what. We. Must. Do.
Lelouch/One, Code MENT

Dear Chief Replacement,

I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
That's right.
I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.
Follow me @theCrimsonFuckr!


Karkat Vantas, Capslocked Soliloquy, A Homestuck fanfiction

It still hurt, there was no doubt about that. Being shoved aside from what had been a good thing in and of itself, their moirallegiance... it would have been a painful blow even if he hadn't been feeling so flushed for her. But what was that saying, if you pity someone, set them free and hatefuck the guy they left you for? Yeah, something along those lines.
His Princess, a Homestuck fanfic

I mean, I'm obviously going to inevitably write myself into the story later, and it's going to be incredibly fucking self-indulgent. I'm going to be handing out indulgences like a sixteenth-century Catholic clergyman. Except I’ll be handing them all to myself. Indulging myself all over the damn place. Martin Luther's going to have to come over here himself and bust my popish ass for it. I guess what I'm saying, Jane, is that I'm directly responsible for the Protestant Reformation.

From the ashes sprouted a powerful friendship, and in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate them, much like how a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines. And like those tapeworms, that guild burrowed deep into his innards, and gorged themselves on his leftovers, until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhea. I realize the metaphor's breaking down a bit here, but Granny Dapper didn't raise no quitters!

Playing card games is just like making love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.

    Film - Live-Action 

Bob: I dunno about this, George... I don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George: Don't worry, Bob! It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean or gut fish all day.

As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. In... there's an "I" in meat pie. So - The anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about.


The Avalon state Bank Tower, in addition to stretching seventy-six stories into the sky, also extended four stories down into the ground, nestling itself into a sliced-out pocket in the bedrock of Manhattan Island. The bottom two floors were all machinery and metal ladders, like the bowels of a great ocean-going passenger liner—which in many ways is what a skyscraper is, massive and self-contained and compartmented, except that the skyscraper is always moored in the same place, and of course it's standing on end, and come to think of it skyscrapers don't float, and maybe they aren't anything like each other at all. Forget the whole thing.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

Inej: No matter the height of the mountain, the climbing is the same.
Nina: That's not technically true. You need ropes, picks...

    Live-Action TV 

That's right, folks. This election has no room for margin of error or correct use of metaphors. It's banana-up-for-grabs!
Stephen Colbert, on mainstream news outlets using the term "razor-tight" to describe the 2012 US Presidential election, The Colbert Report

River: A needle in a haystack.
The Doctor: A needle that looks like hay. A hay-like needle of death. A hay-like needle of death in a haystack... of statues. No, yours was fine.
Doctor Who, "The Time of Angels"

You see, Clara, they're stored in the paintings in the Undergallery. Like Cup-A-Soups! Except you add time, if you can picture that. Nobody can picture that. Forget I said Cup-A-Soups.
The Doctor, Doctor Who, "The Day of the Doctor"

    Newspaper Comics 

But remember, it's always the darkest before the undead feast upon your flesh.



The Irish fear nothing and no one
They keep fightin' till everyone's dead!
...I'm not sure where this metaphor's goin'
I just felt like it had to be said!
Paulette, "Ireland," Legally Blonde

Someday I'll meet someone
Whose heart joins with mine
Aortas and arteries all intertwined
They'll beat so much stronger
Than they could apart
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle
The love in our heart
Bobby Strong, Urinetown

    Video Games 

It usually comes to you in the night. Like a lover, or a burglar. You either get it, or it steals all your jewelry and you have to run it down and stab it in the heart. And... that metaphor got away from me, didn't it?
Isabella, Dragon Age II

Once upon a time there was a scorpion and a frog. The scorpion tells the frog "When I say 'jump' I don’t want to hear 'how high?' That means you're not jumping!" Then the frog says "It's my nature!" Well, be that as it may, we have a lot of tests to do and you are taking a long time on these catwalks and, yes, I broke out of the parable somewhere back there. But the point stands that you need to put some muscle back into your hustle, son.
Cave Johnson, Portal 2

Well... good! Good! Finally! A nemesis worthy of my vast intellect! Holmes vs. Moriarty! ...Aristotle vs. MASHY SPIKE-PLATE!
Wheatley, Portal 2

The puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards.
Wheatley, Portal 2


I'm not like some video game that you can just play with. You can't button mash and fiddle with my analog and not expect to get a reaction. A Special Move type of reaction, baby. A console is worthless without games to play on it. That's how I feel about us. I'm a game system and you're my Halo. And... my feelings for you are like... a memory card... And I no longer have any clue whatsoever what I'm talking about.

Man, I'd like to take her out to dinner. And by take her out to dinner I mean dunk the donut. And by dunk the donut I mean have sex with her. And by have sex with her I mean use my penis on her. And by penis I mean staple remover. And by staple I mean virginity.

Matt: Those that live in glass houses-
Devin: Probably should invest in actual houses.
An exchange during one of Luigifan18 and pommyman's roleplays, White Dark Life

You seem bent on spending your last moments in this world with your thumbs jammed into the thumbscrews of guilt, and turning them as hard as you can... which is impossible, I realize... but that analogy had a lot more promise when I started this sentence, and it seemed likely to end with a witty bon mot about screwing yourself. That didn't work out, did it? Nothing has, today.
Prince Tramennis, Erfworld

Lutark: Do you know how painful it is to watch you guys not to be with eachother?
Lutark: It's like eating macaroni without the cheese.
Lutark: So you end up with some sad bowl of mac and nothing and you're there wishing
Lutark: 'Damn, this mac looks so sad, it needs some cheese'.
Rodard: Pardon, am I the pasta in this metaphor or am I the cheese?
Lutark: Well, I dunno, dude, you're both looking like p sad noodles either way.
Rodard: Oh.

John: don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?
John: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.
Jade: what pastures
John: it's me.
John: I'M the pastures.
John: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.
Jade: what
Jade: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?
Jade: i dont think i understand your analogy
John: no, you see, it's...
John: the mule represented, like...
John: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.

     Web Animation 
”War is just like chess. You make your move, then wait politely for the enemy to make his. Then war support dries up at home and all your freaking pawns dodge the draft!
General,Terrible Writing Advice, “Military Science Fiction”

    Web Original 

It's curtains for you, Doctor Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.
Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Heroin isn't dangerous because you might get an infection. Heroin is dangerous because at best you're not just at Death's door - you're in Death's living room having a Mario Kart tournament at 2 a.m. and hoping he doesn't wake up, but you're not paying very close attention to the volume, because you're high on heroin.

You know, people say you should just play the hand you've been dealt in life. You know what? Fuck that. I say that if you get a dealt a bad hand, you throw out your cards, flip the table, pull a gun on the dealer and start shooting... life, I guess.

Hero: It's nice having things to fight that don't shoot me back for a change.
Golden: Sure makes them easy to kill.
Booya: It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Except instead of a gun you're using dynamite. And the fish aren't particularly smart either. With a bad sense of pattern recognition. And the dynamite has some sort of fish-seeking technology.
Golden and Hero: ...
Jade Star's Let's Play: UFO: Aftermath

Black: All this talk about paths. What is life, the yellow brick road? You follow it to find the answer to all your problems? That worked out so well for Dorothy.
Green: She got home.
Black: Not because of the yellow brick road. She got home because she took matters into her own hands. If she hadn't killed the Wicked Witch would she have ever gotten back to Kansas?
Green: She got home because the power to do so was always within her.
Blue: I'm pretty sure it was the ruby slippers, which interestingly in the original book by Frank L. Baum, were silver slippers. You see, they represented the silver standard in contrast to the gold standard symbolized by the yellow brick road. It turns out the book was an allegory for a late nineteenth-century debate regarding monetary policy.
Black: Blue!
Blue: Sorry.

Spike, for his part, just says a bunch of really callous and hurtful stuff as if he's not just trying to burn his bridges, but also sow the river with salt so that no bridge will ever grow there again, and I think that I lost track of this metaphor somewhere along the way, but you get the picture.

Sarge: You know that feeling you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not quite sure what to do, but your instincts just take over, and you smile at her. And she smiles back. And suddenly the world is a brand new place! And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls!
Doc: Um... yeah?
Sarge: Well boys, I got that feeling right now!
Grif: H-holy shit.
Sarge: Except imagine that pretty girl in school is armor-plated with a titanium polyalloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
Sarge: Oh yeah.
Doc: So how do we get it out of the ship?
Grif: Ah, teleportation cubes, anyone?
Sarge: No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right! Oiled-up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves. Limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
Doc: Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory, Sarge.
Sarge: Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.
Grif: Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
Sarge: Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
Grif: Jesus Christ.

Confidence comes from experience, you can't just be confident with things that you've never done before, I don't feel confident when I call phone numbers that I've never called before because I don't know who's gonna pick up the phone. You know imagine this, where I just go pick up the phone I'm calling somebody I need to inquire about some form of insurance and I pick up the phone and I say "Hello, who is this? I don't know who I'm calling" and they respond (in a deep and scratchy voice) "Hello, I am just a lonely farmer." I don't know what just happened I am really uncomfortable with this situation because I have never heard anybody introduce themselves like that, EVER. I don't know what to do, and that's the same thing with demo-knighting or whatever; if you're not familiar with your demo-knight situations you aren't going to be confident about them 'cause I know for sure if somebody answered the phone like that I would... I'd probably hang up. I would be very scared after that. I would feel bad about hanging up, but I would do it just because of how uncomfortable or unprepared for the situation I was and you know hanging up probably was a bad idea because he is a lonely farmer and he just wanted someone to talk with and he has a little bit of a voice problem - so not the nicest thing for me to do there, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready - can't blame me, I wasn't ready. But, the very next time I answered a phone and somebody responded in that sort of fashion I would be ready because I would have had thought about that introduction from that one person a million times over where if it happened again I would have a speech prepared for that man. Everything would go smoothly and that experience would allow me to make a new friend. A very weird one that I might not wanna keep around for that long, but this has been going on way too long. This example died two minutes ago. We're moving on.

Amanda Waller: I am Amanda Waller, and you can think of me as your fairy godmother from Hell. Only, I won't be grant any wishes no bibidi bobidi boo or any of that shbang. But rather makes each and everyone of you my bitch!
Black Spider: ... I am not really following the metaphor here...

I didn't want to but I figured it was worth giving the game a go, even if I will hate it. I mean, Pope Urban probably thought he was very clever in condemning Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? ...Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and disgrace, but what I'm saying is that I'm basically the Pope.
Yahtzee, Zero Punctuation

A good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended. Because if you just keep going, then eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all of your internal organs out of your sphincter, until only a foul-smelling shell remains, and anyone who wants to get in on your incredibly long poo gets turned off, because they need to have gone through all of the poo up to that point to have the necessary context and this is where the analogy is breaking down somewhat.

    Web Video 
I need to talk to you about these snail trails. They're random, right? But are they? Are they? I mean, look at it! This isn't like where you type the word "monkey" a million times and then it's...uh...You take a typewriter, and you put a monkey on it-in it... No, there's a lot of typewriters, alright? And there's a lot of monkeys...And they're all drawing d[BLEEP]cks in the sand.
True Facts, Killer Surfing Snails

    Western Animation 

Darwin: Yeah... it sounds like the sea, but more purple.
Gumball: What? No.
Darwin: You're right, it's more like the sound of Christmas, but like, in the desert.
Gumball: What does that even mean?!
Darwin: Yeah, it's more like the sound of a cellphone (wry smile) grabbing onto an ice cream cake.

Rath: Let me tell you something, Manny Armstrong! You want a piece of Rath? You got a piece! But you just bit off a piece bigger than your stomach can chew!
Manny: That made no sense.
Rath: (Beat) I KNOW!

Ninjas do wrong to each other sometimes, and in that way, the force of the earth comes around the moon, and at that presence, the dirt, it overshadows the grass, so you like "I can't cut this grass; there's no sun coming through." So in order to enable each other, the two fruits have to look each other in the eye, understand we can only be ripe as the ripe is wrong. You know what I mean?
Head Ninja In Charge, Black Dynamite

An elephant never forgets, but I forget what the elephant remembered.

Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by "devil," I mean "Robot Devil." And by "metaphorically," I mean "get your coat."
Bender, Futurama

If we can hit the bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

Like they say in Brooklyn: early to bed, early to catch the worm. Or... is it the bagel?
"Mama" Luigi, Super Mario World, "Mama Luigi"

It appears that the on the other shoe.
Boone, Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero, "Cereal Criminals"

Mung: Chowder, life is like food, and sometimes we bite off more life than we can chew. Next thing you know, you're barfing life all over the place! The beds, the walls, the priceless carpet; and who do you think has to clean up all that life?
Chowder: Schnitzel?
Mung: That's right.
Schnitzel (offscreen): Aw, radda!
Mung: Yes, life can be a real mess, so keep a bucket nearby.
Chowder: I'm...going to bed now.
Mung: Yes, go to bed, Chowder... I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THAT BUCKET!
Chowder, "The Thrice Cream Man"

    Real Life 

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Bill Connolly

[Airships] put me in mind of a man who invents a floor that is perfectly smooth, beautifully patterned, never requires cleaning, and never wears out. Unfortunately, the floor cannot be walked upon with nailed shoes or have anything dropped on it, because it's made of high explosive.

Whatever it is [that makes Communists such killjoys], it makes for the kind of person who, when he was a kid, used to do next Tuesday's work on last Friday night, if you know what I mean. Lots of times he used to be a minister's son, which isn't a Communist, exactly, but usually was a Presbyterian, which is not as bad, but still stinks. Well, what you did to the minister's kid was tie him to a fence post with his pants off and dip his pecker in fresh cream and turn a half-weaned calf loose on him. Which is exactly what we ought to do to all the Communists in the world, except with atom bombs.
P.J. O'Rourke, "The Problem with Communism" from Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut

To me, the difference between Godhead and the Church is the difference between Elvis and Colonel Parker... although that conjures images of God dying on the toilet, which is not what I meant at all.
Alan Moore, Correspondence: From Hell

The pen is mightier than the sword, yet it is more permanent than a pencil.


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