open/close all folders
- Mark: BULLY! Bully indeed! Bully for Sean Bean! Bully for World Domination! A Square Deal for America and 'merica alone! Fuck all those other guys. And Gandhi especially, fuck that guy!Mark: Mine now, this is mine! [Mark moves his warrior into a barbarian camp, discovering the Trade Technology] Alright, cool, we learned how to foreign trade. We learned how to be civil and trade with people after we MURDERED THEM.The Narrator: "A strong economy begins with a strong, well educated workforce." - Bill OwensMark: I completely agree. Now whip them into shape and get the factories working! I want a bunch of sweatshops, I want no breaks, they work 16 hours a day, they get 2 hours of sleep, and then... force feed them for the... rest of the 6 hours of the day.The Narrator: "Politics is the art of the possible, the attainable- the art of the next best." - Otto von Bismarck.The Narrator: "Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants." - EpicurusMark: Nice. Again, like all the other quotes in here I don't understand it because I'm too dumb. But I'm gonna assume it means good!
Crash Bandicoot: N Sane Trilogy
Five Nights at Freddy's
- Mark: If I didn't want to say the first night, why would I stay any more than five?Mark: I'm a baby! I'm a big baby! I WANT MY MOMMY!Mark: OH I'm SO DEAD! OH I'M SO DEAD! Nonononono! Hold out just a little longer, just a little longer![Mark's power hits 0%, the lights go out and the doors open. A pair of eyes lights up in the hallway as ominous music begins to play...]Mark: No! Turn turn turn turn and say Six [AM]! Turn and say six- don't rip my guts out! OH come on turn! Six AM! ... I'm gonna die...[The music stops, all goes silent, Mark stares at the screen]Mark:I'm dead...Phone Guy: They used to be able to walk around during the day, too. But then there was the Bite of '87.
Mark: The Bite?!
Phone Guy: Yeah...Mark: Oh, God, I'm never gonna make it because he's still THERE! Go away! Nobody likes you! [opens the door and closes it quickly upon seeing Bonnie] HE'S STILL THERE!Mark: Oh, I wanna go home! I want my mommy! I want my mommy so - [sees Bonnie] - BADLY!Phone Guy: Okay, I'll leave you too it. See you on the flip side.
(Mark puts down the tablet and sees Golden Freddy)
Mark: AH, FUCK YOU! [quickly pulls up and puts down the monitor, making Golden Freddy disappear] OH, GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?! What the fuck, okay?! Not okay!Mark: Ducky, ducky, quack-quack-quack. Ducky, ducky, quack-quack-quack. Ducky, ducky, go away, ducky, ducky, no one loves you!Mark: YES! I am the KING of FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S!
Five Nights at Freddy's 2
Five Nights at Freddy's 3
Five Nights at Freddy's 4
Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location
Five Nights at Freddy's fan games
STILL DON'T TRUST MARKIPLIER
LAUGHING TO DEATH
YOU CAN TRUST ME
MARKIPLIER IS INNOCENT
SEANANNERS IS TELLING THE TRUTH
LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE
- Mark: (singing) I once went out to the bar...
Wade: (singing) And then I was a-drinking!
Mark: And then I drank some more...
Wade: Because he was a-stinking!
Mark: (one interruption later) And we keep drinking 'til we end up in the rolie-bins and then we keep drinking some more.Jacksepticeye: (after Mark gets killed by Bob) I've lost all faith in Mark.
Mark: What? I've never had much faith in me either, but come on...Jack: Hello. Welcome to Jack's Gun Shop! What would you like?
Bob: This is a stick up! (holds gun to Jack's head)
Mark: Oh, oh, gun! Cashier, look out, he's got a gun!
Bob: Charlienote , don't move!
Jack: Whoa! Okay, my virtual hands are in the air! I can't do it properly, you'll have to trust me.
Bob: Put your hands up!
Jack: I can put my face up.
Bob: Put your face up! Put 'em up.Jack: Sorry, we're all friends here!
Mark: Please, can I leave? Bob, Bob, can I leave?
Bob: Whiskeynote , you can leave.
Mark: Why can Whiskey leave?
(Bob shoots Wade and drops the gun since he killed an innocent bystander. Mark takes advantage of the situation and knifes Bob and Jack, who all react accordingly.)
Mark: You should have let me leave, Bob. (creepy voice) You should have let me leave!Mark: (after Wade shoots Zombiemold) It's either me or Oscarnote . I'm November. Who's it gonna be? Who do you trust more?
Jack: Wadey-poo! Wadey-kins! Never trust Mark! NEVER TRUST MARK!
Mark: Who do you love more? This is an old-fashioned moment, Bob. You gotta go for it. Who's coming - who's coming to your matza party tomorrow? Eey!
(Bob shoots Mark and Jack knifes everyone else)
Jack: I'm sorry, Wadey-poo. Wade, I left you for last.Mark: Hello, Sierra! Are you Zombiemold? Are you the silent protagonist? (knifes Zombie) More like silent dead-tagonist.Bob: (standing next to a large grinder after Mark talks about how he trusts him) This is a machine that will test if you are a traitor or not.
Mark: Aw, cool! Do I jump in here?
Bob: Yeah, hop in!
Mark: Okay, cool, I'm going for it!
(Mark hops into the grinder and dies, causing Bob to laugh)Wade: (after Mark jumps into the grinder and a watermelon comes out the other end) Mark, you turned into a melon!
Mark: No, I didn't - wait, what?
Jack: Mark, you're a watermelon!
Mark: Where am I? Am I inside the watermelon? You gotta crack it open.
Jack: With what?
Mark: Whoever's got the gun, crack it - (Wade shoots at the melon and misses) Oh, you missed, good job. (Wade shoots the watermelon) Oh! I'm dead!
Jack: You killed him! You killed my friend Mark!
Mark: You killed me! Why did you kill me?! Wow...
Jack: Geez! Talk about cold-blooded!
Wade: You saw nothing!
Jack: I saw something... (knifes Bob after Zombie jumps into the grinder) I saw a little something-something! (goes after Wade and gets shot) God damn it, Wade! I hate your face!Jack: (after Mark, Wade, and Bob have problems opening a door) It's the Three Stooges all over again.Bob: Guys, work together! Spread out, you morons!
Mark: We'll be safe in this garden, he can't see us! (gets knifed by Wade)Wade: I like killing you guys.
Mark: Thank you.
Jack: I like "Murder"!
Wade: It's like I can finally take out all my aggression for all the mean things you do in [inaudible].Mark: Um, guys? I found... I found "Mr. Derpa's LEEDLE Dungeon".
Jack, Bob, and Wade: What?
Mark: I'm not joking. It just says... Oh, God...
Wade: Where's this at?
Mark: Oh God, it's just a toilet in here!
DOOMED TO DIE TO DEATH
RAVE RAVE RAVE
FIVE GUYS MURDER AND FRIES
STRANGEST EPISODE EVER
NATURAL HISTORY MURDER-SEUM (I'm sorry...)
- Mark: (creepy voice) I've got a learny lesson for you, today...
Jack: No, bad touch! Bad touch! Stranger danger! Stranger danger!Mark: There's a lot of education to be had if you just open up your mind and accept your buttocks to my knife - err, y'know, knowledge.
Jack: Are you the Crazed Butt-Stabber?
Mark: No, I'm the Crazed Knowledge-Stabber.Mark: Oh, look, footprints! Hmm... I wonder where these footprints go?
Jack: WHERE'S THE GUN, DILHOLES!?
Mark: (singing) Well, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, a deedly-dee! There you are about to be stabbed! Come here, friend, I'm gonna say "hi" to you! [stabs Jack] Goodbye!
MURDER MARKIPLIER'S MELONS
Happy Wheels Highlights
- Mark: (as Santa) Ho-ho-holy Hell!
Jingle, jingle, jingle, bitches!
Jingle balls, jingle balls, harpoons up my ass!
Dark Souls in Happy Wheels | BIGGEST RAGE IN HISTORY
- Mark: (after losing his son) Good! I didn't need my son; he was weighing me down. (gets sliced in the balls) Good, I didn't need those balls; they were weighing me down! (dies) GOOD, I DIDN'T NEED MY LIFE!Mark: What is with these particular characters that they're SO HARD TO MOVE OVER!? What is with you?! WHATISWITHYOUGETOUTOFMYWAY!! (dies and starts yelling gibberish)
Mark: (now with a paper towel, annoyed) I spilled my drink!Mark: (deeper, distorted voice) So, that was "Dark Souls in Happy Wheels". I hope you enjoyed it. This was the first thing I recorded today and I was hoping for some laughs and fun. So, I hope you got something out of it. So please, don't let me go through this suffering alone! If you wanna see more, subscribe today and please leave a like, and let me know what you want me to do next in the comments! GOODBYE FOREVER! BYYYYEEEE!
World's Quietest Let's Plays 1-2
- Mark: And now, I will move on to a sword throw, where I will murder these sons of bitches. Eat a dick, little Johnny. Eat ten dicks - (gets impaled by a sword ricocheted right at him) (Beat) Why the fuck... did that happen? You son of a bitch. I will eat your face.Mark: Once more under the breach, my friends. Remember, pain is only a temporary measure.Mark: An epic big ball throw, because if there's one thing that Markiplier likes... it's epic big balls. (unlocks the win and gets the secret slot) I unlocked the win and I received an extra ball. An odd medical condition to have an extra ball, but one which I will not complain about... (hits the win slot) because, I'm a winner. (falls into a rope swing) Wh-? I-I'm not ready for a rope swing. I was not told that I was going to be doing a rope swing. I'm pretty sure this is not part of my contract and frankly - (his character falls onto spikes and dies). (Beat) I hate everything you stand for and everything that you are.Mark: (playing another sword throw) Suffering is all you will get in this universe. Suffering is all you will get in this scenario. Suffering is all you will get because I don't know how to fucking talk - no! (His character gets stabbed by his own pile of swords) Oh my God. Fuck me in the butt-hole. It sounds a lot more sexual when I say it this close and this quietly... (even quieter and closer towards his mic) Fuck me in the butt-hole. But not, seriously, not in a rage-y way.
(Mark restarts the level)
Mark: You all need to be much quieter. I am murdering you because you are not quiet. You are not quiet. You need to be quieter. There is too much at stake here. My roommates could wake up and Lego will start barking. (restarts the level) Lego is not quite as good - noo... (a sword falls on his character and kills him. Cue Mark quietly holding back laughter) No!Mark: It sounds very sexual to not fuck melons, but y'know, fuck the melon. (Beat) Not like that. Not like this.Mark: (playing a kung fu fight) Prepare... to eat a dick.
Hunie Pop Series
- Mark: (A very NSFW image is thrown onto the screen as he... romances... a character) OH JEEZ OH GOD BLUR IT! BLUR IT!
Kerbal Space Program
- Mark: (holding a soda) Slurp, shove it right in my octopus face-stash-thing, okay, never mind.
(Mark throws the soda offscreen and it lands with a large crash)
Mark: (beat) Okay, moving on!Mark: I'm gonna lose my - AAAAAAAAAH! DID I WANNA GO OVER TEHRE? DID I WANNA GO OVER THERE?! How about "no"!?Mark: (trying to catch a bottle of soda suspended in the air) Raise arm! RAISE ARM! (misses it and succumbs to Angrish)
(Please Stand By)Mark: (after eventually getting the soda) That was the hardest thing I've ever done and I've given birth to, like, ten chil - no I have not. That's not what I meant, that's not what I - that was not me. Okay, moving on!Mark: (trying to plug a giant cable into a socket, shouting) GRAB IT! MOVE IT!
(He manages to plug it in)
Mark: (suddenly calm and pleasant) Okay, thank you for doing that. That's really appreciated, I really am thankful for everything you've done to help me in this endeavor - (Octo Dad's legs start getting tangled, causing Mark to start madly hyperventilating)Mark: (after struggling through the fish toss) HERE'S! YOUR DAMN! PRIZE!
Scarlett: There was that time you were fixing the sink and the disposal came on... But, you wouldn't go to the hospital, yet somehow, your arm looks as good as new! Are you ever going to explain that?
Mark: No.Mark: (playing (and losing) the "Fruit Blaster" game) No, get the damn fruit! NOOOOOOOO!!! (beat) Rewind! That never happened.
(The video rewinds to when Mark started playing the game)
Mark: Hey, yeah, this is definitely the first time I ever did this one...Scarlett: (after Mark stops the aquarium from flooding) Well, I've wasted enough time here. I've got work to do.
Scarlett: When you feel like having a real discussion, find me at the shark tank.
Mark: Really, lady? I just saved everyone in this aquarium, including the fishes, and that's really all you have to say to me, baby? Fine! Be that way! I'm going on my own! I'm gonna go see my son! The one who actually respects me! But, suspiciously looks a lot like the mailman!Mark: It's fun to learn! It's fun to learn things! With horrible controls!Tommy: Dad, c'mon, where's your sense of gravity?
Mark: I don't know. Where's your sense of douchiness?Mark: (at various points throughout the climbing section) If you put your mind to it you can do anything you wanted... Ooooyyeeeeeewwwwyaaaaooooww, no no! Oooooooooeeeyaaaiiiyo! Ooh! Ah! Ep! Mah ... buuuuurnip! Get back, da... buuuurrrda-burm! ... Nooo! NOOOO!!! (later) Shut up, lady! You're lucky to get my ink on you ... NOOOO!! NOOO!! Grab it! No! NO! Oh, God, please, please, please, please, please! Please, leg! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LEG?!!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING??! ... Aaaaand, I had it under control the whole time, thank you ... Nooo. NOOOOOOO!!! No!! And there we go! NOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! And there we go ... 'kay ... NOOOOOOOOO!!! ... Okay, there we go. All right. All right! ALL RIGHT! Nnnnreeeeerrrraaaarrrrnnngah! Mmmra-na-na— (starts screaming hysterically) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ... Yay! NOOOOOOOOO!!! How do I...? What am I doing?! AAAAAAAAAAGH! Okay, all right, whoa whoa whoa whoa! WHOA whoa whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Eeeeease on up for a second there. How the fuckin' ... NOOO! DO SOMETHING, YOU DICK!!! OH, DO SOMETHING!! Nooo. Wh-BAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! ... Yeeahh! Yes! ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! COME OOOON!!! FFFU--... that middle one's cracked ... that middle one's cracked— NO! NO! NOOO!! NO, PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE NO!!! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (finally makes it).Mark: It's okay, think of the kittens, think of the kittens, just think of the kittens, think of the kittens, just keep the kittens in mind. It's gonna be okay, think of the kittens. It's gonna be okay, think of the kittens! Think of the kittens, think of the kittens!Mark: (struggling to fit through a ventilation shaft) ... (in the highest his voice has ever gone) GO FORWARD!
(cue Technical Difficulties!)
Mark: I AM SOOOO ANGRY! I AM SOOOO ANGRY!
Resident Evil 2
- Mark: (Preparing for the Final Boss, Mark begins combining the extra gunpowder he's collected for the entire game and stored in his inventory) There comes a time... in everyone's life... when they look upon the fruits of their labors and they recognize that there is only one moment in their entire existence that will lead them to victory. And that moment... is now. It. Is. TIME. We have been sitting on these our entire life and today- Cue the inspirational music!- (Music begins playing) and today is the day that we doth not let our gunpowder go to waste. And we will use it for as long as we need to use it for because we - no, hang on - because we are the only ones that can use it. Because we're the only ones responsible enough to use it. And we will use it wi-(Belches)-th every fiber of our- no- every fiber of our being! We use this, and we have this, and we are this, and we is this! This is what we is, and this is who we is be! We will use nothing but that which we is and we has shall be! We are the usings of using it to be and has used be it by has we do! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? I have two-hundred-and-thirty-something bullets! And I will use nothing but them in the final confrontation of- if there is one with a Tyrant maybe, possibly! Maybe not! But if there is then I will use it, but if not, then I won't. So I go into this final battle unknown if it is or is not real, we gotta get the hell outta here... I need medicine. But who needs medicine when I've got bullets!"Mark: (Finds a minigun immediately before the final boss fight) "Who- WHOA - Oh, please tell me it takes 9 millimeter bullets!"Mark: (As Birkin's Final Form assaults the train) "Hello? Hello? I've got a mini-gun that I probably should've used- (Birkin, an amorphous blob of mouths, tentacles and claws, rips the back half of the train off) How... how in the- Oh my- OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT? Oh my GOD! OH it's horrible! That is NIGHTMARISH! That is the worst thing I've ever seen!"
Resident Evil 7
- Mark: (At the top of a darkened staircase leading into a pitch black basement) "Oh fuck. Oh fuck! I'M A BRAVE BOY! I'ma go DOWN THOSE STAIRS! I'M A BRAVE BOY! (Mark slowly descends the stairs) Oh fuck you in a million ways... I'M A BRAVE BOY... (whispering) Mia?" (Mia's zombiefied face appears from the darkness and Mark lurches away from the camera, shouting)
SCP Containment Breach
- Mark: "Its purpose does not seem to be to harm, merely to startle." Well poop my pants and call me Roger, I don't believe that for a single second!
- Mark: (Mark makes a colossal mistake at the 11th hour of Until Dawn) No, no, no. No. No. No. I'm- no I no. You think I'm just gonna put up with that bull? I'm gonna play through the whole FUCKING game again! I'm gonna play through the whole goddamn game again! ...I am gonna make sure that she ends her experience on this mountain in the happiest way being bone-zoned by Chris, because that's what! Their love! DESERVES! FFFFUUUUUUU— (Smash cut) So I'm going to end this episode here... I can accept my mistake with Matt. I can accept that! What I cannot accept is what you just made me watch! ... But the next time you see me I will be a million times wiser with ten times as many totems! For Ashley's love! And Chris, Chris is cool too.
A Date With Markiplier
Who Killed Markiplier?