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Quotes / Literal-Minded

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Emperor: You could fortify me from all the stupid shit that's happening in the galaxy and threatens to spill into my throne room.
Rogal Dorn: Fecal matter does not have mental capacity. You do not require fortifications against it.

Between Data the walking thesaurus and Spock being confused by the deeper meaning of nursery rhymes, I’m starting to think that humans went out into the galaxy mainly to grin smugly at all the alien stiffs they could meet who don’t get their jokes.

Now then, this particular Assyrian, the one whose cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold,
Just what does the poet mean when he says he came down like a wolf on the fold?
In heaven and earth more than is dreamed of in our philosophy there are great many things.
But I don't imagine that among them there is a wolf with purple and gold cohorts or purple and gold anythings.
No, no, Lord Byron, before I'll believe that this Assyrian was actually like a wolf I must have some kind of proof;
Did he run on all fours and did he have a hairy tail and a big red mouth and big white teeth and did he say Woof Woof?
Frankly I think it is very unlikely, and all you were entitled to say, at the very most,
Was that the Assyrian cohorts came down like a lot of Assyrian cohorts about to destroy the Hebrew host.
Ogden Nash, "Very Like A Whale"

In your otherwise beautiful poem, one verse reads,
Every moment dies a man,
Every moment one is born.
If this were true, the population of the world would be at a standstill. In truth, the rate of birth is slightly in excess of that of death. I would suggest [that the next edition of your poem should read]:
Every moment dies a man,
Every moment 1 1/16 is born.
Strictly speaking, the actual figure is so long I cannot get it into a line, but I believe the figure 1 1/16 will be sufficiently accurate for poetry.
Charles Babbage, in a letter to Alfred Tennyson

Please, I'm a scientist; I don't think, I observe.
Dr. Clayton Forrester, Mystery Science Theater 3000

Blinky: For creatures with such a short lifespan, I would think [birthdays] would be cherished.
Toby: Not for Jim. They always remind him of the day when his dad disappeared.
Blinky: Interesting. I did not know Jim's father was a magician.
Trollhunters, "Bittersweet Sixteen"

"As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it's convenient..."
Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory

"This guy's becoming a major pain in my ass-"
"I detect no damage in the gluteal area."
Darius Mason and S.A.M, Red Faction: Armageddon

That night, when I got home, I received a call from Mimi Dejour. She said she wanted to meet me at the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Right Away was, I suggested the Club Flamingo. She agreed.
Tracer (narrating), Calvin and Hobbes: The Series

Customer: Give me a Good Shake.
Ed: All right! *grabs the customer and shakes him*
Good Burger (deleted scene)

O'Malley: Attack!!!!!
Robots: Chaaaaaarge! (Begin walking very slowly)
O'Malley: You there, hurry along! And you in the back, hu-...Lopez! Can't you speed them up?
Lopez: (In Spanish) This is their maximum velocity.
O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.
Lopez: (In Spanish) You said you wanted a "day" of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.
O'Malley: (Sigh)
Robots: Chaaaaaarge!

At the farmers' market with my so-called "girlfriend"
She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad.
Man, this ain't my dad! This is a CELL PHONE!
The Lonely Island, "Threw It on the Ground"

Squidward: S-S-S-SpongeBob, w-w-w-what have you done!?
SpongeBob: I did exactly as you said, Squidward. I dismantled the establishment.
SpongeBob SquarePants after destroying the Krusty Krab in "Squid on Strike"

"A drive-in? So you drive into the theater? How is that safe?"
Kon Kujira, Grojband

EDI: I had hoped to discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.
Shepard: That's not how to think about it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.
EDI: I see. There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to stimulate the desired emotional response.

Okay, you know, I have been accused in the past of being somewhat literal-minded. I maintain that "Telephone" isn't about anything but a telephone, I think "Milkshake" was about a woman who makes really good milkshakes.

Moss: I never know what so say to people at funerals.
Jen: Just say "I'm sorry for your loss", then move on.
Roy: (to widow) I'm sorry for your loss.
Widow: Thank you.
Roy: Move on.

Timon:{Watching Simba, talking to Pumbaa} Gee. He looks blue.
Pumbaa: I'd say brownish-gold.
Timon: No, no, no, no. I mean he's depressed.
Pumbaa: Oh.

Hiro Hamada: GAH! Baymax! You gave me a heart attack!
Baymax: My hands are equipped with defibrillators. Clear!

Idura: I'll retreat for now. However, I'll have a special gift ready for you next time.
Dekar: Wait!
Idura: What?
Dekar: I could use a new coat. Unless you had another gift in mind.

[Queen Latifah fumbles in a clip of Last Holiday]
Peter: Oh no she di-n't!
Joe: Oh yes she did!
Peter: She di-n't!
Joe: Yes she did!
Peter: Oh no she di—

Tim: My mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
Mike: What? Does that mean my rabbit's dead?
Tim: It's been 18 years Mike, where did you think he was?
Mike: [crying] Next door.

[The title, Cry Wilderness appears on screen]
Crow: Well, if you insist.
Jonah, Crow and Tom: WILDERNESS!

Lucifer: Maybe I should find out what makes Pierce vulnerable. Get inside his head!
Mazikeen: (looks up, grinning)
Lucifer: Not with the cranial saw.

"Hey, Myoga. Kagome said she has butterflies in her stomach. Why would she eat butterflies? How will they come out? She is a fool."

Hank Anderson: You know where you can stick your instructions?
Connor: No. Where?

Dr. Scratchensniff: What's on your mind?
Wakko: My hat?
Dr. Scratchensniff: No, no, no. Your hat is on your HEAD. What is on your MIND?
Wakko: My... skin?
Dr. Scratchensniff: No, that's on your HEAD. What's on your MIND?
Wakko: Oh, I got it! My HAIR!
Dr. Scratchensniff: Your hair is on your head! (tears out some of his hair) THIS IS HAIR! THIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND, IT IS ON MY HEAD!
Wakko: No, it's in your hand.
Dr. Scratchensniff: (starts shaking with rage, but then manages to calm himself down) Let's try something different, okay?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchensniff: Why don't you tell me what you're thinking?
Wakko: ''(touching his shirt) My shirt.
Dr. Scratchensniff: No. That's what you're touching. What are you feeling?
Wakko: (pointing at his nose) My nose?

I misunderstood the point of this ride.
—''Pearl on a teacup ride, holding a teapot

Steven: (laughing) Oh man Peridot, you're killing me!
Peridot: I am not! That would violate our truce agreement!

Donna: You're not tellin' me the TARDIS is gone.
The Doctor: Okay.
Donna: Well, where is it then?
The Doctor: You... told me not to tell you.
Donna: Oi, don't get clever in Latin!

A rose by any other name would be called something else.
Welcome to Night Vale end-of-episode proverb

Sean: (moans) I think I left my stomach on Venus.
Celery: Ooh! Should we go back for it?

Absent (upon being asked by Koffie why he is awake so early): Because these dimensions' times flow at different rates, meaning my biological clock is at your mercy. Also, I'm used to functioning on little, if any sleep - college life is taxing.
Koffie: I'm sorry that it costs so much. note 
Absent: (facepalms)
Koffie (horrified): Oh, I'm sorry; are my telepathic powers too strong?
Absent (in annoyance): Taxing, not taxes. God, do you even know what figures of speech are?
Koffie: How can a speech have a figure? Speech is just a bunch of words. You can't give a speech a figure. Anyways, what were you saying about taxes?
— The opening conversation between the Absent Coder and the S.S. Tex-Kofschip, SOSchip, Chapter 10, "You Should Have Gone For the Head" note 

Sapphire: Let him go, sister. [...] There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Coral: I can't fuck a fish.
Sapphire: It's an expression!

STEM: I advise that you remove any traces of your presence here. That also means cleaning up the vomit in the sink.
STEM: ...One second has passed.

Harvey Dent: Say hi, Bruce!
Bruce Wayne: Hi, Bruce.
Harvey Dent: Well, I tee 'em up and he knocks 'em down.


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