"BREAKING NEWS: A LARGE SCALE TURF WAR IS UNDERWAY IN PENTAGRAM CITY BETWEEN SIR PENTIOUS AND CHERRI BOMB. THE SURROUNDING AREAS ARE COVERED IN DEBRIS, SO PLEASE AVOID DOWNTOWN ON YOUR COMMUTE TODAY. TRAFFIC IS "HELLA" BACKED UP. GET IT? "HELL", BUT WITH AN "A" AT THE END? THAT'S A WORD YOUNGER PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY USING. I DON'T REALLY LIKE IT THOUGH. I WROTE IT BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE THE NATURAL KIND OF PUN TO MAKE FOR THIS SITUATION, BUT NOT THAT I SEE IT IN TEXT, I FEEL LIKE IT WAS A MISTAKE. A MISTAKE I CAN'T TAKE BACK...LIKE CHEATING ON MY WIFE. I'M SO SORRY MARTHA. I SHOULDN'T HAVE ONE IT, BUT YOU DID GAIN A LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THE BABY AND I REALLY NEEDED SOME SPACE. YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, THAT WAS A GOOD CALL. I BANGED THE CLEANING LADY, AND THAT WAS A PRETTY NICE TIME. EVEN THOUGH SHE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I TOLD HER I COULDN'T GET OFF UNLESS SHE LICKED MY FOOT FIRST. I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S A WEIRD REQUEST. MAYBE IF I'D JUST GOTTEN A HOOKER SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE AGREEABLE. THE POINT IS MY WIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. ONE TIME WENT TO THE ZOO AND I GOT REALLY MAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE ORANGUTAN WAS MAKING FUN OF ME. HE KEPT DOING THAT STUPID DUCK LIP FACE? THE ONE WHERE THEIR LIPS GET ALL PUCKERED? THEN IT STARTED SCREAMING, AND THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. MY WIFE TOLD ME IT WAS JUST A MONKEY AND TO "CALM DOWN", SO I WENT TO G-"
"It started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: 'Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, 'Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that.' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."
—Female Reporter, Idiocracy
"He tried taking water from toilets, but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. And as history pulls down its pants and prepares to lower ITS ASS onto Not Sure's head, it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him THIS TIME."
—Male Reporter, Idiocracy
"Wow, what insightful words from some of the town's leading figures. Kind of funny how much more substantial information I get when I don't let Cooper cut in for an interview, eh? And, yes, this reporter will unabashedly print such prose knowing full well that no feelings will be hurt, being that Cooper can't read and Mabel will laugh hard at this roast."
—The Tumbleweed Standard, My Time at Sandrock
