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Comic Books
"Yer a fine soundin' bunch o' jailbird lawyers. You all get your chance at the trial... First thing in the morning... And then we'll shoot you!"
You have been brought to New Krypton to face criminal charges. Namely, the murder of some fifteen Kryptonians during your raid of our Earthbound city some months ago. Casualties including our leader, Zor-El. Tomorrow, you will be put on trial. You will be found guilty. And you will be sentenced.
— Alura In-Ze, The Hunt for Reactron
Fan Works
Judge: Court is now in session!
Pianta: Mario is guilty.
Judge: Court adjourned!
Mario: Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Pianta: Mario is guilty.
Judge: Court adjourned!
Mario: Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
"The rebellion was over and what could be laughably called their trial was over even quicker."
"Well, fine. If that's the way you're going to be, I'll save you the trouble of finishing your kangaroo court's vote. Effective immediately— I quit."
Film — Animated
♫ "Justice is swift in the court of miracles;
I am the lawyers and judge all in one!
We like to get the trial over with quickly
Because it's the sentence that's really the fun!"♫
I am the lawyers and judge all in one!
We like to get the trial over with quickly
Because it's the sentence that's really the fun!"♫
— Clopin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, "The Court Of Miracles"
"Spare me this mockery of justice!"
— Kranix, The Transformers: The Movie
Film — Live-Action
Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham!
Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Fielding Mellish: Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Fielding Mellish: Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
— Bananas
"I shouldn't even be here. My trial was a real joke. Those fucking banana republic cops."
—Collier, The Big Doll House
Jim Gordon: No lawyer, no witnesses? What sort of due process is this?
Dr. Jonathan Crane: Your guilt has been determined. This is merely a sentencing hearing.
Dr. Jonathan Crane: Your guilt has been determined. This is merely a sentencing hearing.
"I had reached my verdict on the Feldenstein case before I ever came into the courtroom. I would have found him guilty whatever the evidence. It was not a trial at all. It was a sacrificial ritual in which Feldenstein the Jew was the helpless victim."
— Ernst Janning, Judgment at Nuremberg
Beadle Bamford: Thank you, Your Honor. Just the sentence we wanted.
Judge Turpin: Was he guilty?
Beadle Bamford: Well, if he wasn't, he's surely done something to warrant a hanging.
Judge Turpin: What man has not?
Judge Turpin: Was he guilty?
Beadle Bamford: Well, if he wasn't, he's surely done something to warrant a hanging.
Judge Turpin: What man has not?
Literature
"Sentence first! Verdict afterwards."
— The Queen of Hearts, Alice in Wonderland
''Fury said to a mouse,
That he met in the house,
"Let us both go to law: I will prosecute you.
—Come, I'll take no denial;
We must have a trial:
For really this morning I've nothing to do."
Said the mouse to the cur,
"Such a trial, dear Sir,
With no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath."
"I'll be judge, I'll be jury,"
Said cunning old Fury,
"I'll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death."
That he met in the house,
"Let us both go to law: I will prosecute you.
—Come, I'll take no denial;
We must have a trial:
For really this morning I've nothing to do."
Said the mouse to the cur,
"Such a trial, dear Sir,
With no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath."
"I'll be judge, I'll be jury,"
Said cunning old Fury,
"I'll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death."
—Mouse, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
"Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with."
— Catch-22
Faithful: May I speak a few words in my own defence?
Judge Hate-Good: Sirrah! Sirrah! thou deservest to live no longer, but to be slain immediately upon the place; yet, that all men may see our gentleness toward thee, let us hear what thou, vile runagate, hast to say.
Judge Hate-Good: Sirrah! Sirrah! thou deservest to live no longer, but to be slain immediately upon the place; yet, that all men may see our gentleness toward thee, let us hear what thou, vile runagate, hast to say.
Defendant: I have a statement to make, Your Honor.
Judge Jones: Oh, all right. Make your goddamn statement and then plead guilty, you heathen.
Defendant: I ain't guilty!
Judge Jones: (to the jury) How do you find?
Foreman of the Jury: Guilty.
Judge Jones: Hang the son of a bitch!
Judge Jones: Oh, all right. Make your goddamn statement and then plead guilty, you heathen.
Defendant: I ain't guilty!
Judge Jones: (to the jury) How do you find?
Foreman of the Jury: Guilty.
Judge Jones: Hang the son of a bitch!
— Revenge of the Mountain Man
"Atticus had used every tool available to free men to save Tom Robinson, but in the secret courts of men's hearts Atticus had no case."
Live-Action TV
"We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict."
— Judith Draper, 3rd Rock from the Sun
Captain Darling: May it please the court, as this is clearly an Open-and-Shut Case, I beg leave to bring a private prosecution against the defence counsel for wasting the court's time.
Judge Melchett: Granted. The defence counsel is fined fifty pounds for turning up.
Judge Melchett: Granted. The defence counsel is fined fifty pounds for turning up.
"I will see to it that you receive a fair trial, after which you will be shot."
— General Burkhalter, Hogan's Heroes
Q: I must caution you that legal trickery is not permitted. This is a court of fact.
Picard: Court of fact? We humans know our past, even when we're ashamed of it! I recognize this court system as the one that agreed with that line from Shakespeare, "Kill all the lawyers"—
Q: Which was done.
Picard: —which led to the rule of "guilty until proven innocent"!
Q: Of course! Bringing the innocent to trial would be unfair!
Picard: Court of fact? We humans know our past, even when we're ashamed of it! I recognize this court system as the one that agreed with that line from Shakespeare, "Kill all the lawyers"—
Q: Which was done.
Picard: —which led to the rule of "guilty until proven innocent"!
Q: Of course! Bringing the innocent to trial would be unfair!
"Soldiers, you will press those triggers if this criminal answers with any word other than 'guilty'."
"Five hundred years ago, military officers would upend a drum on the battlefield. They'd sit at it and dispense summary justice. Decisions were quick, punishments severe; appeals denied. Those who came to a drumhead were doomed."
—Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Drumhead"
"The offender Miles O'Brien, human, officer of the Federation's Starfleet, has been found guilty of aiding and abetting seditious acts against the state. The sentence is death; let the trial begin."
Mulder: I'm putting the truth on trial.
X: What truth? Whose truth? You think these men will even hear it?
Mulder: They're afraid to hear it.
X: (spiteful) They're not afraid. They have too much power to be afraid. You're going to learn that, just like I did. You'll die learning it.
X: What truth? Whose truth? You think these men will even hear it?
Mulder: They're afraid to hear it.
X: (spiteful) They're not afraid. They have too much power to be afraid. You're going to learn that, just like I did. You'll die learning it.
—The X-Files, "The Truth"
Hacker: I want to trace the culprit.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.
Hacker: And I want a prosecution.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.
Hacker: And I want a conviction.
Sir Humphrey: (pause) We can try and trace the culprit, we can prosecute, but under the present political system, there are problems about the government actually guaranteeing a conviction.
Hacker: A little drinkie with the judge?
Sir Humphrey: It's unthinkable. There is no way any pressure can be placed on a British judge.
Hacker: Well how does one secure a conviction?
Sir Humphrey: Well simple, you find a judge who won't need any pressure put on him.
Hacker: Oh.
Sir Humphrey: A quiet word with the Lord Chancellor, find a judge who's hoping to be made a Lord of Appeal, and then leave justice to take her own impartial and majestic course.
Hacker: And that does the trick?
Sir Humphrey: Well not always. Sometimes they're so obviously trying for a conviction, that the jury acquits out of sheer bloody-mindedness.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.
Hacker: And I want a prosecution.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.
Hacker: And I want a conviction.
Sir Humphrey: (pause) We can try and trace the culprit, we can prosecute, but under the present political system, there are problems about the government actually guaranteeing a conviction.
Hacker: A little drinkie with the judge?
Sir Humphrey: It's unthinkable. There is no way any pressure can be placed on a British judge.
Hacker: Well how does one secure a conviction?
Sir Humphrey: Well simple, you find a judge who won't need any pressure put on him.
Hacker: Oh.
Sir Humphrey: A quiet word with the Lord Chancellor, find a judge who's hoping to be made a Lord of Appeal, and then leave justice to take her own impartial and majestic course.
Hacker: And that does the trick?
Sir Humphrey: Well not always. Sometimes they're so obviously trying for a conviction, that the jury acquits out of sheer bloody-mindedness.
Music
I know I'm losing my appeal
Cause I was hung, drawn and quartered before my trial
And every single thing that's not real
Was put before the jury without the privilege of denial
Every single word that I said
Was written down and then misread
Now I find myself alone
I'm accused of being someone that I do not even know
Cause I was hung, drawn and quartered before my trial
And every single thing that's not real
Was put before the jury without the privilege of denial
Every single word that I said
Was written down and then misread
Now I find myself alone
I'm accused of being someone that I do not even know
— Adorable, "Kangaroo Court"
That's the night when the lights went out in Georgia
That's the night when they hung an innocent man
So don't trust your soul to some backwoods Southern lawyer
'Cause the judge of the town's got bloodstains on his hands
That's the night when they hung an innocent man
So don't trust your soul to some backwoods Southern lawyer
'Cause the judge of the town's got bloodstains on his hands
— Vicki Lawrence, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"
Judge Dre: The jury has found you guilty of being a redneck, white-bread, chickenshit motherfucker.
Cop: Wait, that's a lie! That's a goddamn lie!
Judge Dre: Get him out of here!
Cop: I want justice!
Cop: Wait, that's a lie! That's a goddamn lie!
Judge Dre: Get him out of here!
Cop: I want justice!
— N.W.A, "Fuck Tha Police"
Tabletop Games
"A plea of innocence in my court is guilty of wasting my time! Guilty!"
— Lord Karamozov, Warhammer 40,000
Theatre
Lawyer (to Candide): You are charged with communication with the Devil.
Very Old Inquisitor: Oh, come on. You always take too long. Guilty.
Lawyer: Just a minute, sir. We must observe certain legal, civil, and moral laws as written into the code of Western liberalism. (to Candide) Death by hanging.
Very Old Inquisitor: Oh, come on. You always take too long. Guilty.
Lawyer: Just a minute, sir. We must observe certain legal, civil, and moral laws as written into the code of Western liberalism. (to Candide) Death by hanging.
— Candide (book by Lillian Hellman)
"In an ordinary crime, how does one defend the accused? One calls up witnesses to prove his innocence. But witchcraft is ipso facto, on its face and by its nature, an invisible crime, is it not? Therefore, who may possibly be witness to it? The witch and the victim. None other. Now we cannot hope the witch will accuse herself; granted? Therefore, we must rely upon her victims - and they do testify, the children certainly do testify. As for the witches, none will deny that we are most eager for all their confessions. Therefore, what is left for a lawyer to bring out?"
— Judge Danforth, The Crucible
Video Games
"The Tamriel legal system has its basis in the civilized, reasonable credo uttered by the prophet Marukh in the first era: "All are guilty until they have proven themselves innocent." Were truer word ever spoke?"
"The trial of the eco-extremist group "Avalanche"! Terrorists who conspire with Wutai against Midgar! Your guilt is undeniable! Your punishment, death!"
— Heidegger, Final Fantasy VII Remake
"Well, at best, they will put you on trial - or what seems to be one, then execute you. At worst, they will dispense with the courtroom mockery and execute you as soon as you step within the gate. And when I say "execute," do not think it will be one clean chop of a headsman's axe... Luskans have all sorts of inventive ways for executing prisoners that is not best to describe on a full stomach."
— Sand, Neverwinter Nights 2
Visual Novels
Nahyuta: Pitiful servant of a lost cause, renounce your revolution and submit yourself to the judgment of this court. In her infinite mercy, our Holy Mother may yet see fit to save your soul.
Lawyer: [laughs] As if I'd give in! What's the point of a court that only doles out guilty verdicts?
Lawyer: [laughs] As if I'd give in! What's the point of a court that only doles out guilty verdicts?
Webcomics
"You will play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there is no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, the word defense itself is offensive."
— Terezi Pyrope, Homestuck
"Before the full investigation is underway, a legislacerator will always have a chief suspect in mind. The one she will hold guilty until proven otherwise, a process customarily taking place after the execution."
— Terezi Pyrope, Homestuck
Jones: Our clients plead guilty, your honor.
Roy: What?!? No, we don't!
Jones: Yes you do. Listen, here there are two types of accused: those who plead guilty, and those who piss off the judge with a time-consuming trial before being found guilty.
Rodriguez: The conviction rate is 114%, and that doesn't even make sense!
Roy: ...Fine. We plead guilty.
Roy: What?!? No, we don't!
Jones: Yes you do. Listen, here there are two types of accused: those who plead guilty, and those who piss off the judge with a time-consuming trial before being found guilty.
Rodriguez: The conviction rate is 114%, and that doesn't even make sense!
Roy: ...Fine. We plead guilty.
Mayor: Court Stenographer, please stenography that we're starting the trial now.
Public Defender: There isn't a stenographer, your honor. Or a bailiff. Or a prosecutor. Or any of the personnel required to have a legal trial in this state, or any known democracy for that m-
Mayor: You are on fire today, counsellor! Accused, you're lucky to have this guy!
Public Defender: There isn't a stenographer, your honor. Or a bailiff. Or a prosecutor. Or any of the personnel required to have a legal trial in this state, or any known democracy for that m-
Mayor: You are on fire today, counsellor! Accused, you're lucky to have this guy!
—Team Fortress 2, Unhappy Returns
Web Original
"Wait... Wait a minute, hold on! Wait a minute. So, there was no statement by the defense, no attorney appointed to the defense, no witnesses called, no evidence presented, nobody even bothered to notice that we literally got here four minutes and thirty-four seconds before we were arrested, and there wasn't even a jury? This is more rigged than Saddam Hussein's trial!"
"Oh and by the way, the "trial" the Autobots are given is pretty screwed up. Once the Autobots arrive the judge tells them what they're accused of and then immediately sentences them. Shouldn't the Autobots get a chance to defend themselves?"
Western Animation
Mayor: Evidence? That's not how our court system works.
Aang: Then how can I prove my innocence?
Mayor: Simple — I say what happened, then you say what happened, and then I decide who's right. That's why we call it "justice," because it's just us.
Aang: Then how can I prove my innocence?
Mayor: Simple — I say what happened, then you say what happened, and then I decide who's right. That's why we call it "justice," because it's just us.
Scarface: The prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.
Mad Hatter: Hang him.
Harley Quinn: Shoot him!
Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!!!
Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!
The Joker: Guilty!
Mad Hatter: Hang him.
Harley Quinn: Shoot him!
Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!!!
Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!
The Joker: Guilty!
Joe: I can't believe this. Two weeks in prison on trumped-up charges. That trial was a total sham!
Peter: Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury.
(cut to a jury box filled "Simpsons" characters)
Peter: Well, at least they're a jury of our peers.
Joe: I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, I knew we were in trouble the minute I saw the jury.
(cut to a jury box filled "Simpsons" characters)
Peter: Well, at least they're a jury of our peers.
Joe: I don't think they see it that way, Peter.
"You're on trial today for the crimes that you've committed. We're gonna prove ya guilty! Just try and get acquitted."
Riq IV: Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?
Morty: How is this a fair trial? Our lawyer is a Morty!
Riq IV: It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun.
Morty: How is this a fair trial? Our lawyer is a Morty!
Riq IV: It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun.
Lisa: (to Bart) Ooh, I see. If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school. Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury.
(cut to Homer opening a letter at home)
Homer: Aww, jury duty?! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this!
Bart: (groans)
Lisa: I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
(cut to Homer opening a letter at home)
Homer: Aww, jury duty?! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this!
Bart: (groans)
Lisa: I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
"Koopa Court is now in session! Bailiff Mouser, read those phony charges you and I cooked up!"
— Bowser (King Koopa), The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
Real Life
"Give me six lines written by the most honorable of men, and I will find an excuse in them to hang him."
"All this humiliating business was made worse by the rise of Senator Joe McCarthy. Yet, to be fair, McCarthy could never have flourished had it not been for Harry S. Truman's mandatory loyalty oaths for all government workers because the Russians were coming, and we must root out their agents wherever they may be and a crypto-commie, if he swore falsely, would, everyone knew, crumble to ashes."
— Gore Vidal on the Red Scare.
"It is as if twenty years after Yorktown somebody in power at Washington found it necessary for the safety of the State to send to the scaffold Thomas Jefferson, Madison, John Adams, Hamilton, Jay
and most of their associates. The charge against them would be that they conspired to hand over the United States to George III."
and most of their associates. The charge against them would be that they conspired to hand over the United States to George III."— 1938 New York Times editorial about Stalin's purge of the Old Bolsheviks
"From beginning to end the trial was such a parody of justice that it would be insulting to marsupials even to call it a kangaroo court."
— Death Plus Ten Years, by Roger Cooper.
