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Quotes / Improbable Weapon User

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TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow
TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves
CT: D —> Yes

'A hole.' he says flatly. 'You're going to kill Sethrakus Ra with a hole in the ground.' He points to the sections of the jungle where we've hidden Mog artillery. 'You've really stuck on the hole aspect of the plan. I told you. We've got guns, bombs- But for Sethrakus Ra, we've got a hole.'
Lorien Legacies, The Fate of Ten (justified, because Sethrakus connected his life with Ella, making her suffer whatever he suffered)

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"I would remind you that [Yuna's] current protectors are armed with a volley ball and a stuffed animal."

Put down the shotgun. Pick up a dolphin!!

Edward Van Helgen: Choose your [dueling] weapon.
Guybrush: I choose the banjo.
Edward Van Helgen: I accept.
Guybrush: ...You do?

I'm not usually one for bragging, but some things just have to be made known: I just stabbed someone with hot mashed potatoes. Bow taken.
Johnny C.'s Twitter

Roxas, that's a stick.

"Don't try to stop me! I've got gold statuettes and I am not afraid to use them!"
Heather, Total Drama Revenge of the Island, "Up, Up And Away In My Pitiful Balloon"

Juan: What are you doing with that?
Michael: I'm gonna fight them off.
Juan: With a hand towel?!
Michael: Why? Do you have a gun?

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"This umbrella works wonders for murdering."
Kirby, Sonic for Hire

"Look out for the French bread!"
Bouncer Beagle, Ducktalez 7

Godot weighed a second mug in his hand. "Stand away from the witness," he said sternly. "Coffee should not be wasted. Especially as this is my seventeenth mug of the case —"
With a scream of, "Die, Mia Fey, die!" Dahlia wrenched the zanpakutou from Tousen's waist and leapt at the defense attorneys.
Godot's second mug took her in the back of the head, and she went down like a ton of bricks.
Order in the Court, an Ace Attorney / Bleach crossover fic

"Nevertheless, dates when Heck claims to have been engaged in operational activity coincide with reports of unusual causes of death at the Taipei morgue, including a man with known Triad affiliations found with the chassis of a ten-speed mountain bike driven through his torso and a Vatican Intelligence agent with his airway obstructed by 17 communion wafers."
Your Dossier, Alpha Protocol

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"Like her husband, Tika had fought against the Dragon Highlords in the War of the Lance, some forty years ago. Unlike Caramon, however, she'd never trained as a warrior, relying instead on the art of bashing opponents with whatever heavy, blunt object was available."

I once saw him kill three men in a bar... with a pencil, with a fucking pencil.
Viggo, John Wick

"Kneel before GRODD! You have walked into my ambush! And I have brought my biggest combat spoon — to eat your tasty brains!!!"
Gorilla Grodd, Action Comics #893

"Marth": It's time to move out, Heroes. The fate of this world rests upon your shoulders.
Corrin: You can count on us. We'll give it all we've got!
"Marth": There's no doubt in my mind. But... I must ask... What do you intend to use as weapons?
Azura: Well, I shall smack my foes with this hagoitanote .
Takumi: And I shall toss this mochinote  at mine.
Camilla: My enemies shall be poked repeatedly with this kadomatsunote .
Corrin: And mine shall recoil in fear at the mere sight of Hama Ya.
"Marth": I...see... Perhaps I haven't made the severity of the situation clear. The fate of this world rests upon your—
Takumi: Well, we were in the middle of preparing for our first shrine trip of the new year when this all happened. Were you expecting us to be armed to the teeth with real weapons of war?
Azura: Don't worry. If I can wield a pine branch as a weapon and emerge victorious, I'm sure these will serve. The weapons matter not as long as we give it our all! Now let's go save this world.

Elridge is not permitted a spoon, or a plate. It is probably unwise to permit him even the sharper vegetables.

Eithan: [faux-serious] He initiated an open attack against me in Serpent's Grave, and I was forced to take out the broom.
Emperor: [dryly] I've never heard that expression. I assume you mean an actual broom.
Cradle Series, Blackflame

"I have no sword. I don't need a sword, because I am the Doctor, and this...is my spoon! [brandishes spoon] En garde!"
Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who, "Robot of Sherwood"

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