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Quotes / I Take Offense to That Last One!

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"Ghost the Racist Fruitbowl, had a very shiny hambone! Ghost the racist fruitbowl, he is a reptilian! On one foggy Hannukah night, Ghost was beating his son—"
"Wait a minute! Hanukkah night? HANUKKAH NIGHT!?!? YOU STUPID...!"
Ghost and an unfortunate caller

Princess Leia: Why, you stuck-up...half-witted...scruffy-looking...nerf herder!
Han Solo: ...who's "scruffy-looking?"

The Dude: Fuck the tournament. Fuck you, Walter.
Walter Sobchak: "Fuck the tournament?"

"I read in her diary that she thought me 'a talentless gigolo'... In any case, I'm only disturbed if the phrase means that I had no talent as a gigolo. I believe that this is actionable in law even if proof is no longer demonstrable by me in life."
Gore Vidal on the diaries of Anaïs Nin, Palimpsest

"He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Mike Tyson

Leon: Finished?
Cid: Would be, if it weren't for the old loon's magic.
Merlin: OLD loon, you say!?

Ned Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey! Hey! I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... Um, what was the third thing you said?
The Simpsons, "Hurricane Neddy"

Officer Jenny: So tell me what you know about this Team Rocket Trio.
Ash: Well, officer, all I know is they're three of the sneakiest, snakey-est, lyingest losers you'll ever meet.
Jessie: Who are you calling losers?!
James: But he's got the rest right.

Jack: (finding a near-dead villager) Poor unfortunate creature.
Villager: HEY! I'm not poor!

Inventor: The Grid's carbon-neutral, non-pollutive, and better's taken a bunch of useless brats off the streets. We can reduce our carbon footprint and curb overpopulation at the same time! So... what do you think?!
Ms. Marvel: What do I think? I think you're a wannabe evil genius who thinks he's saved the future when really he's just given up on it. I think you're a megalomaniac with some kind of weird Pied Piper complex. I think you're a bird!
Inventor: I AM NOT A BIRD!

Student 1: Did you see that new girl Linda Lee?
Student 2: I can't believe how dorky she looks!
Student 3: Her head is totally huge!
Student 4: Almost as big as her ego...
Student 5: Who does she think she is?
Student 6: She looks like some kind of monkey!
Student 7: Goofy.
Student 8: Outta her mind...
Student 9: Her nostrils must be at least a foot in diameter! Like caverns leading to a lost world...
Linda: Okay... For the record, just so everyone knows, I have petite nostrils! They're tiny and cute!

Melissa Coolridge: Sheesh! Forget it. I wouldn't expect an old nerd like you to understand.
Peter Parker: Old?!
Melissa Coolridge: I see you didn't argue with the nerd part.
Peter Parker: Old?!
The Amazing Spider-Man #55 (1999 series)

Cinder: I'm Cinder Fall. This is my associate, Arthur Watts. And these are my disciples, Emerald and Mercury.
Raven: Two children you've tricked into following you, a disgraced Atlesian scientist, and a Fall Maiden with a surname so appropriate she probably picked it herself. Something tells me you've more than a slight case of egomania. Is that about right?
Watts: (Clears his throat) Technically, I was also a doctor, but the rest was spot on.
RWBY, "A Perfect Storm"

John: I'm spending Friday night with a fat, worthless, cat!
Garfield: That fat part was uncalled for.
Hector: Godbrand, you never met anything you didn't immediately kill, fuck, or make into a boat.
Godbrand: ...I like boats. I'm a fuckin' Viking! We're s'posed to make boats outta things!

Interviewer: What about this "Gnasty Gnorc" character? Now, I understand he's found a magic spell to turn gems into warriors for his cause.
Lindar: I'll take that question. Gnasty Gnorc is a simple creature.
Gnasty Gnorc: Simple?!
Lindar: He has been contained in a remote world, and is no threat to the Dragon Kingdom.
Gnasty Gnorc: No threat?!
Lindar: Besides, he is ugly!
Gnasty Gnorc: Ugly?! THAT DOES IT!

Norman Osborn: (on the phone) Ok, so, once he starts thanking people, we need to steal his fish. His goldfish. It's gonna, it's gonna be hilarious.
Kingpin: I'm gonna do something to you. Imma fuck you up. Imma kill your ass.
Norman Osborn: You can't kill me. Yeah right, you can't kill me, I'm everyone's favorite Spider-Man villain.
Kingpin: That red hair's gonna be covered in your blood after we scalp you.
Norman Osborn: It already is, I've been scalped twice already. You're way behind schedule, Kingpin.
Kingpin: Guess what? Your wig? Snatched.
[Norman's smile fades]
Norman Osborn: It's...It's not a wig.

James May: I believe deep in my heart that I look good in [the Rolls Royce Drophead Coupé] and it suits me because it's stylish and contemporary.
Jeremy Clarkson: Every time I see you those are the words that pop into my head: "stylish" and "contemporary."
James May: Thank you.
Jeremy Clarkson: ...After other words like, for instance, "beige," "Stannah Stairlift," "The War." Can anyone think of any more?... "Homosexual."
James May: I object to the "beige."

Momo: Hey, I'm just trying to help the kid out! I don't see you doing anything besides dicking around and buying your Dragon Ball Z figurines off eBay, you FAT. BROWN. DIRTBAG COW!!
Appa: "BROWN!?" That's IT!!

Jeff: God's sakes! What did I tell you guys?!
Abed: (imitating Jeff) Oh, for god's sakes, everybody! Do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy: Whoa! That's a good Jeff! How did you do that?
Abed: 10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
Jeff: ...Zack Braff?
Abed: Sorry.


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