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Quotes / Hypocritical Humor

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    Anime and Manga 
"I have no need for filthy language."
Roberta, Black Lagoon

    Comic Books 
"And look who it is... Sonic, Princess Sally, and that overweight walrus! Tsk! Tsk! How can anyone let himself get so obese?"
Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comics) issue #3

Lois Lane: You did what? What ever possessed you to throw yourself out a window to get someone's attention?
Clark Kent: The memory of you asking me that with a straight face will last a lifetime.

"What would a girl who comes from another planet in a faraway galaxy know about — Oh. Says me, the girl from another planet in a far... Huh."

Wolverine: Never thought I would see you guys throw in with a guy like Doom.
The Thing: Oh yeah? Was that Magneto I saw sitting at the conference table?
Wolverine: Okay, well, if you want to get technical...

"Remember! Football develops initiative, leadership, and individuality! Now go out there and do exactly as I told you!"
Archie Andrews, coaching a girls' football team in Archie, October 12, 1946

"Gentlemen, if there's one thing I hate more than the Chinese, it's racism."
General Samuel Surrender, Achille Talon.

Beast Boy: What is this? Your secret headquarters? We're retreating inside a building shaped like a giant initial. No, sir. They'll never look for us here.
Star Boy: I see. And what sort of headquarters do you have?
Beast Boy: Like I said, nice place.

Rat: I'm thinking about pushing you off a tall cliff and filming what happens.
Pig: What for?
Rat: 'Cause then I can get on one of those 'shocking video' shows and be famous.
Pig: But I could get hurt.
Rat: There's no 'I' in 'team'.

Calvin: Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around, the high-pitched buzzing noise they make, their pesky size... everything about them is annoying!
Hobbes: ...said the hyperactive, whiny, small child.

Obelix: O chief Vitalstatistix, the Normans are landing! And they've got ever such funny names! They all end in "af"!
Asterix: That's right! Their chief is called Timandahaf!
Vitalstatistix: Ha, ha, ha! Did you hear that, Getafix, Cacofonix, Operatix, Acoustix, Polyfonix, Harmonix?

    Fan Works 
It wasn't long before they finished, Jonathan now sipping at his tea calmly, "This tastes incredible too! What flavor is it?"
"I think it's green tea? I dunno, I like beer more."
Jonathan almost choked, "I-I recall you mentioning beer yesterday, you really musn't drink so much alcohol, Jotaro! Especially at your age."
"It's only sometimes." Well, it wasn't exactly a lie. "Besides, I bet you've drank wine for dinner your whole life."
...Jonathan idly wondered just where his descendants gained the ability to make sassy remarks like that.

Sasuke: You wanted to see me Sensei?
Kakashi: Yes I did. I know I said that I have to be impartial, but really, you're my favourite.
Sasuke (deadpan): Really.
Kakashi : Really! Here, watch, I've got a kickass new lightning jutsu I can show you to prove it-
Hinata: You wanted to see me Sensei?
Kakashi: Yes I did. I know I said that I have to be impartial, but really, you're my favourite.
Hinata (deadpan): Really.
Kakashi : Really! Here, watch, I've got a kickass new lightning jutsu I can show you to prove it-

"No fair! Something so cute shouldn't have such a strong attack! Cheater!"
Ilya (who's Berserker's Master) about Echo Echo, Fate/Stay Night: Ultimate Master

"Hey! Watch your language around my fucking kid!"

Victoria: "I mean, who invites someone to their place without knowing their last name?"
Taylor: "You. You do. You wouldn't let me not sleep on your floor. And that was before you knew my first name."
Victoria: "'re right."

All he had done was dress up in an absurd three-colored costume and beat up on crooks. Worse yet, he had inspired a generation of crooks to don such costumes, gain or simulate other superhuman powers, and litter the landscape with their fallen crime-schemes. All in the name of conquering Superman.
Well, he was not immune to that, of course. But he had good reason. Prior claim, as it were.

Asuka told him about Hikari's raging crush on Touji. She'd been only slightly surprised when Shinji mentioned Touji's matching infatuation with the petite Class Rep that he thought no one knew about. Asuka had laughed at the foolishness of the two of them liking each other but failing to see it was mutual, just dancing around each other for months... until Shinji had given her a smirk and a stare.

"ENOUGH! You WILL be silent, trickster! If you think you can get out of Yomi by annoying me, you are wrong. Do not think I have forgotten your last sojourn to the seventh hell. You thought I would let you go if you read your abysmal haiku constantly for the space of many years, but you failed! Your foolish attempts at deception WILL NOT ANNOY ME!"
Emma-O, Hearts of Ice

Willow: Ha! How do you like those apples, Jacques? You screwed an assassin! You're lucky she didn't cut your throat. Too bad.
Jacques: [sputtering] I screwed—so did you, Willow! You're lucky she didn't kill you!
Willow: Not after I showed her my corkscrew special! Remember when we first married and you weren't such a towering dick? That little trick I could do with a cherry stem and my tongue? I can still do that, Jacques! And I did it to that little waitress!
— NSFW RWBY fanfic Love Hurts

Tankman: Don't use those sugary swears with me! Out here we swear like men! I don't know how many effing tanks there are!

    Film — Animated 

Monkey: What's best is to not be fielding ideas from a talking cockroach.
Beetle: This coming from the talking monkey.

He took the name- Metro Man, defender of Metro City. I decided to pick something a little more humble- Megamind, incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy!

"You could probably use a little sun. Then again, who am I to talk?"
The Joker to Batman, Batman: Under the Red Hood

    Film — Live-Action 
Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Louis: I am shocked, shocked, to find that gambling is going on in here!
Emile: (handing him a stack of bills) Your winnings, sir.
Louis: Oh thank you very much. (shouting to casino patrons) Everybody out at once!

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is The War Room!"
President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
Otto: You're the vulgarian, you fuck!

"There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch!"
Nigel Powers, Austin Powers in Goldmember

Brian: No, no, no, you don't understand. You've got to work it out for yourselves.
Followers: (in unison) Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves.
Brian: You're all individuals!
Followers: Yes, we're all individuals.
Brian: You're all different!
Followers: Yes, we are all different.
One Follower: I'm not.
All Other Followers: Sh!

Officer: Worst of all, [Colt] is gun happy!
Colt: (points a gun in her face) Where do you get off saying that?!

Juror #10: He's a common, ignorant slob! He don't even speak good English.
Juror #11: Doesn't even speak good English.

"Well, that's where I see things, just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor." (opens a Pizza Hut box and smiles for the camera)
Wayne, Wayne's World

"One more thing — Eugene, gimme that — If I ever find one of these lying around again, I swear to FUCKING God, I will stop being so polite. (someone wanders in) Get the fuck outta my sight before I demolish you!"

"And because I am a goddamned professional!"

[after finding cigarettes on a neutralized mook] Mm, these are very bad for you. [takes one and lights up]
John McClane, Die Hard

"Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."
Coach Carr, Mean Girls

The Girl: I can't remember anything that happened before I got here.
Prisoner KSC 2-303: Yeah, right.
Girl: How about you? Why were you in prison?
KSC 2-303: Well, I was...
Girl: You don't remember either?
KSC 2-303: I, uh, forget things easily.
Girl: Oh... you, too!

Deacon: The neighbors can see you flying around the house. You want to draw attention to this house, hm?
Nick: You've got a whole documentary crew following you around!

Jonathan Mardukas: You can't steal a truck!
Jack Walsh: You were stealing a plane!


This column generated a large amount of mail from irate opera lovers who:
1. Pointed out that they are far more sophisticated, urbane, and cultured than I am, and
2. Used some really dirty words.
Dave Barry, "The Fat Lady Sings"

"He didn't take it personally. He was a hired killer, after all. It would be pretty hypocritical to take a murder attempt personally, after everything he'd done. But that was no reason to let them live."
Tesseract, Skulduggery Pleasant: Mortal Coil

"I doubt [Haruhi] even knows where Honduras is. Let's see, somewhere below Mexico, right?"
Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya

"Those guys ripped off what we rightfully stole!"
Hamilton Holt, The 39 Clues

"Men always seemed to think violence could solve anything. If she had had a stout stick, she would have thumped all three of them about the shoulders until they saw reason."
Nynaeve al'Meara's thoughts, The Wheel of Time

"Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs."
Opal Koboi, Artemis Fowl

    Live-Action TV 
"Jonathan Ross is the worst kind of nasty, gratuitous, insulting, viciously insensitive bully." said Piers Morgan... from his glass house!
Tom Baker, reading a quote on Have I Got News for You

Nigel Farage: I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians using all these expenses to better themselves. Disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?
Ian Hislop: It is absolutely disgraceful, Mister Kettle.

"So, they're just gonna sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show. What jerks!"

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion: (reading in unison) "Bell out of order. Please knock."
Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett: (in unison) Reading in unison is a capital offense.

Brennan: Kyle. I know you get everything you want by flaunting your superior intellect, but that won't work with me.
Aldridge: And why is that?
Brennan: Because I'm smarter than you are.

Monica: (on her friends judging her for dating her ex's son) Fine, judge all you want to, but (to Ross) married a lesbian, (to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (to Joey) threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, (to Chandler) lives in a box!
Friends, "The One with Chandler in a Box"

"Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient!"
Frasier Crane, Frasier

Clair: I've never seen [Rudy] so bossy!
Cliff: She is kind of pushy.
Clair: Well I don't like it. Call her in here!

"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at."
Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Fisk: We all knew that we would need to eliminate the Russians one day. They were too unpredictable.
Leland: This from a guy taking heads off with a car door.

"We never use euphemisms, and we think that people who do are complete front-bottoms."
Stephen Fry, QI

"Dear Sir, I object strongly to the letters on your programme. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh. Yours sincerely etc., William Knickers."
The "Letters (Lavatorial Humour)" Sketch, Monty Python's Flying Circus

"Those Spanish probably won't even eat [the chicken], just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious. All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev."

Sir Humphrey: How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?
Sir Arnold: Sorry, I can't talk about that.
Yes, Minister, Party Games

"I hate people who generalize. They're all idiots."

"People say I am ruthless. I am not ruthless. And if I find the man who is calling me ruthless, I shall destroy him."
Robert F. Kennedy

Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.
— unknown, attributed to multiple sources

"Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves."

"A witty saying proves nothing."

"Look back through this essay, and for certain you will find that I have again and again committed the very faults I am protesting against."
George Orwell, "Politics and the English Language"

"...there are some people who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that!"
Tom Lehrer, in a foreword for "National Brotherhood Week", That Was the Year That Was

"I'll judge you all and make damn sure that no one judges me!"
Jethro Tull, "Thick as a Brick"

Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
— Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, "Thou Shalt Always Kill"

    Professional Wrestling 
Hunter: From 10 PM to 11 PM, we will only use the words ass, damn, hell, and bitch. We will never, however, use the words shit, fuck, goddamn, Jesus Christ, faggot, or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now then, as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references.
Shawn: Ah, shit!
Hunter: Watch your fuckin' mouth!
Shawn: Well, fuck me!
Hunter: Goddamnit! (under his breath) Fuck!
D-Generation X's State of the Union promo

Kermit: And we promise we won't stoop to cheap 3D tricks.
Fozzie: Did someone say cheap 3D tricks?! (blows a party favor at the camera)

    Stand-Up Comedy 
"It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language, or dirty talk. No, no, none of that. Because as my mother always says, 'if you have to swear to get laughs, then you're obviously a cunt'."
Ed Byrne

"I never swear. I detest this habit. What the devil do you mean?"
Henry Higgins, Pygmalion

In time I grew as rich as the Gurneys
An incubus then I thought her
So I threw over the rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage
And now if you please, I'm ready to try
This breach of promise of marriage.
The Learned Judge, Trial by Jury

Nick Bottom: What the hell are "musicals"?
Thomas Nostradamus: It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops, and the plot is conveyed through song.
Nick: Through song? Wait, wait, wait. So an actor is saying his lines, and then out of nowhere, he just starts singing?
Thomas: Yes!
Nick: Well, that is the [singing] stupidest thing that I have ever heard!
"A Musical", Something Rotten!

    Video Games 
Marisa: A half-beast that can't morph without the full moon is just a human. Weak!
Alice: You DO know you're a human too, right?

Liberty Prime, Fallout 3

Genocider Jill, Ultimate Murderous Fiend: Shut your murdering mouth, murderer!
Yasuhiro Hagakure, Ultimate Clairvoyant: Who're you calling a murderer!?

"You should get to bed. What's that? Hey, I am NOT a hypocrite!"

Rouge: Thief!
Knuckles: Look who's calling who a thief!

"Ehh, this shit'll kill you." *puffs cigarette*
Bigby Wolf talking about a soda machine, The Wolf Among Us

"Retraction: Did I say that out loud? I apologize, Master. While you are a meatbag, I suppose I should not call you such."

"This place would elicit fear in most individuals. Fortunately, my training prevents me from — wait! What was that?"
Paladin Danse when exploring a creepy place, Fallout 4

"Preserve our beautiful scenery! Please refrain from posting signs."
A sign, Mother 3

Miqo'te Player Character: A... talking cat?
Fashionable Feline: Oh, that's rich coming from you. Or have you not looked in a mirror lately?
Final Fantasy XIV, "The New King on the Block"

"Ugh... Indecisive people annoy me...I think."
Marie, Splatoon

"Who asks someone to do something that they don't want to do themselves?! Oh hey, can you go and get me a Lakitu's Cloud, Mario?"
Green Toad, Super Mario Maker 2

"It is childish to favor one tool over another! ...but Hammer is my favorite."

Dear Billie,
nice spelling, Your on your way to A career in trash disposal. How about I seand you a Fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and wright?
I'm giveing your older brother the space ranger jet, He can spell!
PS: Tell your mom to call me big Dady!
The Postal Dude, as Santa Claus, Postal 2, "A Very Postal Chrismas" mod.

"Don't try to hold me back! I'm gonna murder this guy! That'll teach him to call me a murderer!"

    Web Animation 
"I'm not bossy! Don't say things like that!"
Weiss, RWBY

"Grr! I can't take it anymore! Will everyone just chill out for two seconds before something crazy happens again!?"
Yang Xiao Long, RWBY

Ruby: (angrily showing Blake the "Ninjas of Love" book she had) This is filth. FILTH! (smacks Blake)
Blake: AHHH! (as Ruby marches off with the book) C-Can I have my book back?
Ruby: LATER!

"Son of a bitch! How can they be so arrogant?! No one's better than me!"

"Capitalism sucks- don't demonetize me, Youtube."

"J.P. keeps bugging me about the length of these "character skits", as he calls them. I don't know what he's on about! I am the Dark Lord! I am the epitome of conciseness! The very form of succinctness! I never ramble! I move with evil purpose in all that I do! I do not repeat myself, nor do I fall into repetition! I am always to the point! Um...what was I doing again?"

Robotnik: [trapped under a block of ice] Please! Let me out! I'll be good from now on...
Tails: Yeah, but-
Robotnik: Shut up and do what I tell you to before I disown you!

Athens: The same reports are coming in from the vessel commanders throughout the fleet. As we expected, the organic units are proving very selfish. Even with the two courses laid clearly before them, they stubbornly choose futile efforts at self-preservation over the greater good.
Petey: The next engagements begin shortly. Athens, we need live telemetry feeds from all your systems — maybe we can learn something important.
Athens: Who says I'm going first? I'm the flagship. You go first.

    Web Original 
The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
— Horoscope for Leos, The Onion

"Dear audience who might be inspired by me, unfortunately, to make videos because of my videos on the internet:
Please try and suss out the things which are not interesting and that should be edited out. I am aware that it is customary to try to show everything in a video game, or at the very least, as much as possible, but there is such a thing as knowing what to weed out, or the very least, accelerate. Sometimes, even when it's new content, it's better off accelerated. I know that a lot of you are pretty smart about this, but others.... aren't, for lack of a better word."
raocow, over unedited footage of life farming.

"I'm on your side! How many of you do I have to kill before you understand that!?"

"It turns out that Maxwell Lord wanted to get rid of superheros and super villains, so that normal humans could rightfully retake the Earth. Because super-powered being are too powerful. And yet HE is a super-powered being!"

"I hate people whose mom has died! Someone whose mom died once killed my mother!"

"Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill tremulous voices, the happier you will be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt?"

You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus! But I'll tell you the worst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab—
(system error box pops up)

Oh, the mind-bending feats of wordplay of those clever young whippersnappers who make South Park! Clever middle-aged whippersnappers, rather; middle-aged whippersnappers still making a living out of poo jokes. My goodness, my glass house is sparkling delightfully in the morning sun! What a nice day to indulge in my favourite hobby of projectile mineralogy!

The Nerd: Holy shit! [gets blasted]

"I love it when Geoff is mad at everyone for pissing around, then he goes and blows everything up."

You know me (disclaimer: none of you know me), and I am a simple man who only requests the simplest things in life, like four thousand gigabytes worth of furry porn, and a small supercomputer that I only ever use to edit text files with, but when I get my game on? Oh, boy, you better believe I'm getting my game on. Who needs 4K when I'm running Wii games 16,000 pixels wide, on a screen 5% of that value? You can practically taste the Gay Luigi. But beyond all of this, I am very practical, and as such, demand little more but the quiet enjoyment of my life with my modest army of whores.
Froghand, from the 2016-11-14 BUAFY.

”This cat is pushing a watermelon out of a lake. Your argument is invalid.
Popular Image Macro

"Don't curse, Gwyneth. [train horn interrupts video] SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Don't curse, Gwyneth!"
Jon, "Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop"

    Western Animation 
"That's a lie! I don't need a potion to be nice, and I'll pound anyone who says I do into mush!"

"Yeah, but I couldn't have done it without you guys. And I'll never desert my friends again! Now excuse me while I desert you to talk to Trixie."
Timmy Turner, The Fairly OddParents

"Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!"
Robot Devil, Futurama

Child: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?
(time skip, the child is now an elderly man)
Elderly man: I deserve free money!

"Hey, I might have a high opinion of myself and a low opinion of everyone else, but that doesn't make me arrogant."

Mark Posubule: Forgive your debtors!
Clay Puppington: Forgive your trespassers!
Mark Posubule: You owe me a bottle of wine!
Clay Puppington: Get off my property!
Moral Orel, "The Lord's Prayer"

"(reading a ransom note) It from the martians! I know it them cause they no use good grammar."
Mr. Wong, Futurama

SpongeBob: I'd sure like to go to this party, but I can't read the invitation!
Patrick: Me neither!
SpongeBob Whoever sent this obviously has no idea about the physical limitations of life underwater! Well, might as well throw these in the fire.
SpongeBob SquarePants, "Party Pooper Pants"

Beavis: School sucks.
Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, you little pain-in-the-ass!
Beavis and Butt-Head, "Speech Therapy"

"I am a woman of science. At least that's what my horoscope said."
Stacy Hirano, Phineas and Ferb

"That birdcage? Poppycock! Elevators are for old people!"

"I'll prove I'm a good guy even if I have to destroy this entire city and beat you to a pulp!"

"If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do."
The Goth Kids, South Park

Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows that people see you as something of an ogre.
Mr. Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Bubbles: I am not Bubbles! Bubbles is not who I am! I am the one, the only, single solitary doer of dastardly deeds! Purveyor of pestilence! Interloper of lawlessness! Menace to mankind! I am bad! I am evil! I am Mojo Jojo! Hahahahahahahaha!
Mojo Jojo: I do not talk like that! The way I communicate is much different! I do not constantly reiterate, repeat, recite the same thing over and over again! I am clear! Concise! To the point!

"Girls, girls! Remember, above all, self-control." [knock at the door; cue slamming piano keys] "YES?!"

"I'm going to the Lilith Fair this weekend to support female solidarity, so scram!"
Joelle Clarke, Bojack Horseman.

Pooh: (In regards' to Gopher's honey) Could you sssspare a ssssmall ssssmackeral?
Gopher: Ssssay, you oughta do ssssomething about that sssspeech impediment, ssssonny.

Yakko: Hello, I'm Yakko Warner, and, all joking aside, reboots are a fundamental lack of originality in Hollywood. A creativity crisis fueled by terrified executives clinging to the past like rats to the debris of a sinking ship.
Dot: Yeah! (pulls back to reveal the Warner Siblings decked out in Hulu-themed outfits) Have you no shame?!
Man: (off-screen, holds out a large check) Here's the check for the Animaniacs reboot, you sellouts!
(Yakko takes the check as the siblings grin sheepishly, followed by a pile of money reading "HULU" falling behind them)
Wakko: Yeaaaah, but when we sell out, we know we're selling out, so it's kewl.


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