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Quotes / Hurricane of Euphemisms

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Here's one: A genetically engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, ballistics, boobies, jugs, nipples, jubblies, STONKING... GREAT... TITS.
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, reviewing Tomb Raider: Anniversary (after spending the entire review trying NOT to mention Lara Croft's large breasts at all)

Mariya: Admit it, you're playing for the other team.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: You're a carpet muncher.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: You prefer the taco over the hot dog.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: Hey, I've got pages of these, I can go on all day.

You choke the chicken before a big date, right? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date? Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date! Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun!
Dom "Woogie" Wogonowski, There's Something About Mary

Leland's Grandmother: After this, I need to run a couple of errands. Will your family be alright with that, Mr. Tran?
Tran: Where will you be taking us?
Leland's Grandmother: Oh you know. Here and there. Out and around. Round and about. Hither and thither - to and fro, back and forth, up and down, in and out. Over-and-under, hippity-hoppity, round the corner over the river and through the woods, lickety-split, clocking the G's, grinding the ax, up to no good, nip in the bud, good 'n plenty, lollygagging around making the rounds painting the town red. Packing a load, hugging a tree skinnin' the dog skip to my loo sowing my oats passing a stone, shooting the breeze jumping the fence! Humping the horse dancing a jig spinning a yarn sipping the cider! Flexing the pecs lubin' my do packing the feed licking the chicken pinching the pennies! Do-si-do...
Tran: Shut up! Why don't you shut up right now!?

Claire: Well, one thing's for sure. Sooner or later Louis' gonna stick his head out of the world's most sadistic window.
Lucien: What do you mean?
Claire: He's going to get a public haircut?
Lucien: Pardon, I'm still confused.
Claire: They're going to introduce him to a killer cure for headaches?
Lucien: Um...
Claire: Give his shoulders a vacation? Have a tete-a-tete in a wicker salon? Give him new freedom of thought? Revitalize the tight collar market?
Lucien: Enough, I get it, I get it!

David Quoosp: You're a paedophile. You're a nonce. You're a perv. You're a slot badger. You're a two-pin DIN plug. You're a bush dodger. You're a small bean regarder. You're an unabummer. You're a nut administrator. You're a bent ref. You're The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. You're a fence foal. You're a Free Willy. You're a chimney bottler. You're a bunty man. You're a shrub rocketeer...

Dorla: "What they mean, Dilly, is that they think Swampy's been run over. You know, hit by a dino-car, flattened, D-E-A-D, dead. Got it?"
A rare example of a hurricane of Euphemism Buster's from Dilly The Dinosaur, "Dilly and the Missing Pet"

Ruthie: "Oh, oh, you make me so angry! You make me so furious!! You make me so mad! Stewed! Oh, I am enraged! I am steamed! Oscar, Oscar, I am so sore at you, I am blowing my top!!"
Oscar: "I think she's swallowed a dictionary here."
Ruthie: "Oh! Oh, Oscar I am losing my temper! I mean I am really fuming! Oh, ooh, I am boiling mad! I am also peeved and I am irked!! Oscar, I am seething!!!"

Armitage: Needs? Oh, you mean sex? Rumpy-pumpy. The beast with two backs? A bit of "How's your father"? Some afternoon delight? The two-person push up? Filling the cream donut? Hide the sausage? The horizontal hula? Slime the banana?
Gideon Tau: Oh my god. Stop.
Armitage: Take old one-eye to the optometrist? Attack the pink fortress?
Gideon Tau:Please stop.
Armitage: Open the gates of Mordor?
Gideon Tau: That's not even a saying.
Armitage: It is. And if you don't want to hear about it, don't ask.
Gideon Tau: I already regret it.
Poison City, by Paul Crilley

Lois: I felt like I had a void in my life, like... like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: Oh god!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...
Quagmire: Oh god!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Quagmire: Oh god!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just going to have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Okona: "You don't know what a joke is?"
Data: "Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of words concluding with a trick ending."
Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Outrageous Okona"

Sonny: "But you know, son, I figured it was all a bunch of hooey."
Data: "(In Sonny's voice) Hooey? (In his normal voice) Ah, as in hogwash, malarky, jive. A deliberate fabrication."
—Another Star Trek: The Next Generation example, "The Neutral Zone"

Jen: I've got... Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, don't you like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that.
Jen: It's my term for "my time of the month".
Roy: Oh...
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit at the weekend?
Roy: Moss...
Jen: You know, it's high tide.
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm closed for maintenance!
Moss: "Closed for maintenance?"
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some pretty convincing arguments...

Sperm General: Heads up! The time's come to pound this out! Some of you guys couldn't hold on. Pathetic! Those squirts have been discharged prematurely! But you came through. You came quick, hard, in and out, over and over, strong! But we're not finished yet! Now, we must thrust forward! Stay on top of each other! Give a hand when needed and let's bring this thing to a climax!
Sperm Soldier #1: Hey. How's your journal entry diddling going?
Portschach: It's wet.
Sperm Soldier #2: I get it. Rub out a few thoughts before walking hard and fast into death.
Sperm Soldier #3: This is stimulating, you know. Going so deep into an operation like this.
Sperm Soldier #4: You know what I heard? No one's ever pulled out successfully before.
Sperm Soldier #1: It's true. Ask that old bastard. He's been around the block before.
Sperm Soldier #4: Apparently, he rode out the 4th Bartholin campaign and hasn't been the same since. Well, Gramps, you think we'll be able to squeeze one off?
Gramps: Need lube.
Sperm Soldier #1: Come again?
Gramps: Vas deferens. That's how you know.
Sperm Soldier #1: What? Your oral skills blow, old man.
Sperm Soldier #4: Give him a minute. He starts off slow, that's all.
Gramps: Beware the name General Scotty! We can't let him win! He must go down!
Sperm General: It's time, seamen! Get off! [the Sperm Soldiers leave the boat and some of them get killed] Stay strong! Incoming! Get on top of that mound! Fire your lode at will! Let's cream 'em, boys! [the soldiers run.]

Doctor: "It's time for the main show."
Patient: "What? What do you mean?"
Doctor: "The reason why we're all here. Y'know, zip! (mimes undoing a fly and clears his throat)"
Patient: "What was that you were doing? Like air traffic signals?"
Doctor: "I need you to drop 'em."
Patient: "Drop what?"
Doctor: "Drop 'em like it's hot."
Patient: "Drop what like it's hot?"
Doctor: "Drop 'em and cough 'em. Drop your trousers, let me see your tower."
Patient: "Is that a medical term?"
Doctor: "I get it, cradle your ladle. Lower your drawbridge. Let's see if these lemons actually make lemonade. Cock-a-doodle-doo! It's berry-picking season. Look, this isn't easy, but I need to see your peasy. I hope you use Febreeze, because I need to squeeze."
Patient: "Squeeze what? I don't..."
Doctor: "It's time to part the forbidden curtain. At ease, soldier. Lower your weapons. Look, man, I'm on a questicle. (goofy voice) Crikey, mate, I'm going down under. Crikey, it bit me!

You ever notice how many different ways there are to say 'throwing up'? There's vomiting, of course. Hurling. Tossing your cookies. Puking, a classic. Ralphing. There's cascading. But I prefer the terms that are more real. Like blowing chunks. Spewing your guts. Tangoing with the toilet. That's a good one. Technicolor yawn.
Marco, Animorphs #29: The Sickness


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