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Quotes / Hilariously Abusive Childhood

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Comic Books

"I learned that trick with a baby's spoon."
Elsa Bloodstone, NextWave

Kara: Fine! I guess I don't need a life. Right? I guess locking me away in a dungeon is next?
Alura: I don't know. We really don't have room for a dungeon, sweetie.

Fan Works

"I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me."
Vernon thought about that for a moment, making a mental note to return that toxic waste barrel to the dump before Dudley started eating it. There had to be something he could do to further torment the boy. What else did he have to live for if he couldn't fulfill such sadistic pleasures anymore?

Film — Animated

Tim: Can we have food?
Mr. Willoughby: Food?
Mrs. Willoughby: We eat today's food, you eat yesterday's food.
Tim: But you ate all of yesterday's food yesterday.

I am your father, and that sweet woman that you insulted with your rude birth is mother. If you need love, I beg of you find it elsewhere.
Mr. Willoughby to his son Tim a few seconds after his birth, The Willoughbys

Doofenshmirtz: That's it? That's your emotionally scarring backstory? Dude! I was raised by ocelots! I mean, literally! I was disowned by my parents and raised by Central American wildcats, and all you did was lose a toy train?! I had to work as a lawn gnome, I was forced to wear hand-me-up girl's clothing, neither of my parents showed up for my birth!

Film — Live-Action

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds—pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking—I suggest you try it."
Doctor Evil, Austin Powers

Live-Action TV

Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who my parents actually preferred.

Chandler: That's Parents Day, first grade. That's me with the janitor, Martin.
Monica: Where are your parents?
Chandler: Oh, they didn't want to come.
Friends, "The One Where Chandler Can't Cry"

George: Carmen, you're sixteen! How can you be pregnant!?
Benny: Whoa, deja vu! I remember having this same fight with my dad except he chased me through the neighborhood with a machete. Back then, they let you be parents.
The George Lopez Show, "George Gets a Pain in the Ash"

It's all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage — a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!
[Still later]
I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Estelle Costanza: Stop it Frank. YOU'RE KILLING HIM!

"[My dad] would just go, 'Hey, hey, you're not smiling right now! You should be happy all the time! Smile! Eat your carrots! Cook the dog! Cook the dog!!' Cook your own dog?! No child should be made to do that!"

"You know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact? ... When I was ten years old, I made myself a hugging machine... I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so I would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat me on the back... You know what the saddest part was? ... My father used to borrow it.
Leonard Hofstadter, The Big Bang Theory

"I was raised on insults. That's how my (grandmother) put me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got into kindergarten that I learn my name wasn't Garbage Face."
Santana Lopez, Glee


"Well, Dad would whoop us every night 'til a quarter after twelve
Then he'd get too tired, and he's make us whoop ourselves
Then he'd chop me into pieces, and played frisbee with my brain
And lemme tell ya, Junior... ya never heard
me complain!"

"Now everybody blamed his old man for makin' him mean as a snake
When Amos Moses was a boy, his daddy would use him for alligator bait
Tie a rope around his waist and th'ow him in the swamp!
Ha ha ha, alligator bait in the Louisiana bayou!"
— Jerry Reed, "Amos Moses"


"You wait till my father hears about this. He'll say, 'Draco, you god damn little poofter! Why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human!' And then he will pull down my diaper, and scold me for the mess I've left in it, and spank my cheeks as red as cherries."

"It's my daddy! Daddy! Daddy! You came to love me!"

Video Games

Sonya Blade: Jacqui says as kids, you were scared of me.
Cassie Cage: You'd randomly attack us with armbars!
Sonya: And you learned to always be ready.

"When I was one, I was dropped on the porch. When I was two, I had pneumonia. When I was three, I got the chicken pox. When I was four, I fell down the stairs and broke six ribs. When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon. When I was six, my parents hit me in the head with a shovel. When I was seven, I lost my index finger to me pet rat. When I was eight, my dog Spike got hit by a tractor. When I was nine, my mother lost her arm to a rabid Brahmin. When I was ten, my sister was torn to bits by a pack of dogs. When I was eleven, my grandfather killed himself because I was ugly. When I was twelve, my grandmother killed herself because I was ugly. When I was thirteen, my father poked out his eyes with a pitchfork in a drunken stupor. When I was fourteen, my brother lost his hand to a wallaby. When I was fifteen, my aunt choked to death on a chicken bone. When I was sixteen, I lost my cousin to a badger. When I was seventeen, I cut off my left big toe with a hoe. When I was eighteen, my father lost his right leg to the same tractor that killed my dog. When I was nineteen..."

Web Video

"Mello, what are you doing out of the basement?!"

"My father looks like a depressed Chaz Finster, who dresses like a shitty sailor, and is over four hundred years old. But he wrote the world's best-selling novel, titled, 'I Am Man.' He also wielded a sword at one point, which is incredible. He always resented me because I was born with an erection and a frown. When I was seventeen he taught me how to shoot a gun, hoping I would turn it on myself. When I was twenty he taught me how to beat milk out of a coconut. When I was thirty he taught me how to read. He wasn't the best father, but I've always looked up to him, because he's over eight feet tall. (phone rings) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to answer this phone call. It's probably my father calling to tell me to go fuck myself."

Pinkie Pie: Look at the bright side! At least you HAD a father!
Fluttershy: Yes, but it's my father who left me to fend for myself in the frozen tundra with nothing but a hatchet and a length of rope. I would've died if a pack of wolves hadn't taken me in as one of their own.
Fluttershy: But I wasn't safe! The wolves were robots built by my father to lull me into a false sense of security. I awoke one morning to find that he had slaughtered them all and left a message in the snow reading, "I dare you to love again."
Fluttershy: But the message was actually written in ant pheromone. I was suddenly engulfed by thousands of rabid African ants, each trying to burrow its way inside me to get to the queen larva my father had put in my Cheerios.

Western Animation

Mom: I swear, when Igner came out, I flipped a coin whether to keep him or the afterbirth!
Walt: Yes Mother, you told that story at his graduation.

Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me...
Abe Simpson: (in flashback) Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer Simpson: ... Lousy traumatic childhood!

Homer: And that horrible act of child abusenote  became one of our most beloved running gags.


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