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Music
"I guess enough time just ain't passed yet
A couple more years that shit'll be Illmatic!"
A couple more years that shit'll be Illmatic!"
People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing.
—Florence Foster Jenkins
Newspapers
Bad films are easy to make, but a film as unpleasant as Baby Geniuses achieves a kind of grandeur.
Webcomics
Aram: To say that Jeriah's writings are actually poetry is much the same as saying that tripping down a flight of stairs and breaking your collar bone is ballet.
Gamal: What about the 20 minute speech comparing love to plate tectonics? Was that a poem too?
Aram: I don't even know what the hell that was.
Gamal: What about the 20 minute speech comparing love to plate tectonics? Was that a poem too?
Aram: I don't even know what the hell that was.
— Men in Hats, [1]
Web Original
For 32 years, the Rebecca Black of opera refused to believe she didn't have what it takes, and gave it to music regardless. She was so bad that being injured in a car crash actually improved her voice. But if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she made her own (crappy) costumes, was mocked by her pianist while she performed, and tossed flowers to the crowd during her acts and then took them back for the next show.
—Cracked on Florence Foster Jenkins, "5 Star Performers Who Never Let a Lack of Talent Stop Them"
The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is.
—Michael K., "Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.'"
, "Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.'"Night’s After Earth production tweets were something to behold, as he simpered on about each shot and edit evoking the emotional wonder and power of cinema, like a blind man telling you how clever his dog is, while stroking a furry toilet seat with a collar on it.
—Stuart Millard, "The Self-Destruction of M. Knight Shyamalan
If you are having a bad day you simply have to watch the second episode of The Time Monster with the commentary switched on. John Levene's solo effort is a joy to behold because he seems to think that this is some kind of forgotten gem and his personal contributions are the work of a skilled actor at the height of his powers.
Bakula calls it a "magical little episode". Oh, yes, I'm sure there was magic involved. Black magic, perhaps.
—The Agony Booth on Star Trek: Enterprise, "A Night in Sickbay"
This whole episode is like a hobo trashcan fire from space.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Harvest")
Smallville ("Harvest") Web Video
Jay: This is borderline experimental!
Mike: This makes no sense at all!
Jay: WHAT IS HAPPENING
Mike: This makes no sense at all!
Jay: WHAT IS HAPPENING
—The RedLetterMedia crew watching the ending of Resident Evil: Afterlife
Insurrection is a symphony of stupid. It's like Beethoven's Symphony No. 5, but for below-average Hollywood hack-job filmmakers and producers.
I would almost like to flowchart this or document it. This is such a convoluted, stupid history, you almost wanna transcribe this shit, make a history book. This has to be written down. Because nobody's gonna remember this. And we should remember this.
"Second award: 'Somebody Cared'. I can't say who, but there are enough signs that somebody on the development team really cared about The Chosen, and this was their baby. Someone here had a vision... and we're paying the price for it."
—Ross Scott on The Chosen: Well Of Souls, Ross's Game Dungeon
Real Life
Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.
—Mark Twain, in the introduction to English As She Is Spoke
I first read this sentence nearly three years ago. Since then, I have read it once a week in an increasingly desperate search for meaning. But I still don't understand it.
—Nick Page, In Search of the World's Worst Writers, on the opening linenote of Amanda McKittrick Ros's Delina Delaney
I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies...They went from those, to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write…There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do.
—Literary giant Nicholas Sparks
Every once in a while we turn up another P.D.Q. Bach manuscript in a monastery or attic. And every time we do, we have a great feeling of anticipation, a feeling of exultation, you might say. A feeling that this new piece we've found can't possibly be as bad as the last piece. But so far, every new piece we find of his lives up to the same low standards set by the previous one.
— Peter Schickele on P.D.Q. Bach, An Evening with P.D.Q. Bach
Me and Robin [Thicke] the whole time said,You know we’re about to make history right now. What’s amazing is I think now, we’re three days later and people are still talking about it.
—Miley Cyrus on her performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards
It simply makes good business sense that where someone of my talent and ability was not going to be used to their capability or capacity, that a parting of the ways was inevitable.
