Quotes / Garfield and Friends

Floyd: Just remember this moment, Garfield, 'cause there'll eventually come the day you'll beg me to do this show. But you know what? I won't be available. I'll be working for, uh, Disney or somebody.

Garfield: Who's he kidding? Disney's up to here with mice on their contract.

— An exchange from the episode The Floyd Story

Opening gags

• "You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated." [Episode 1]
• "I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now." [Episode 2]
• "Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel." [Episode 3]
• "Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic." [Episode 4]
• "This show is K-rated. No adults unless accompanied by a kid." [Episode 5]
• "Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later." [Episode 6]
• "The Garfield Guarantee — no giant robots or annoying little blue people." [Episode 7]
• "So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say, 'No!'" [Episode 8]
• "Don't forget, kids: look both ways before crossing your teacher." [Episode 9]
• "Hey, Heathcliff — eat your heart out." [Episode 10]
• "Beware of imitations. Accept no substitutes. Batteries not included." [Episode 11]
• "You notice how every week I say something different here?" [Episodes 12, 43, and 61]
• "Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show: You'd better have a good excuse." [Episodes 13, 46, 48, and 63]
• "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today." [Episodes 14-15]
  • "And remember, lasagna is an important part of your nutritious breakfast. " [Episode 15 in syndicated airings]
• "And just remember what you paid to get in." [Episodes 16-17, 40, and 69]
  • "This show has so many mentions of pasta, it'll affect your cholesterol count." [Episode 17 in syndicated airings]
• "A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show." [Episodes 18-19]
  • "In the interest of conservation, today's show will recycle most of last week's jokes." [Episode 18 in syndicated airings]
• "Hey you, chewing the gum: I hope you brought enough for everybody!" [Episodes 20-21]
• "Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too." [Episodes 22-23]
• "Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on." [Episodes 24-25]
• "I can't believe we get away with this every week." [Episodes 26-27]
• "Today, featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!" [Episodes 28-29]
• "Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals." [Episodes 30-31]
  • "If you don't see this label, you're not watching a genuine Garfield cartoon." [Episode 31 in syndicated airings]
• "Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move." [Episodes 32-33]
• "This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included." [Episodes 34-35]
• "We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week." [Episodes 36-37]
• "Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience." [Episodes 38-39]
• "And a special hello to all you wonderful Nielsen families out there." [Episode 41]
• "And pay attention; there'll be a test at the end." [Episodes 42, 59]
  • "Garfield and Friends? Who are these friends, and why haven't they brought food?" [Episode 42 in syndicated airings]
• "Change channels and you'll never see your dog again." [Episode 44]
• "Today's show is brought to you by the letter K and the number 9." [Episode 45]
• "It doesn't start until the fat lady screams." [Episodes 47 and 55]
• "My lips never move — wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist?" [Episodes 49, 65]
• "I'd like to buy a vowel, please." [Episode 50]
• "In a moment, I'll wave my finger and the music will stop." [Episode 51]
• "I'll be back right after they sell you stuff." [Episode 52]
• "Enough of this entertainment jazz; let's have some commercials." [Episode 53]
• "If any rating services call, we're spelled G-A-R-F-I-E-L-D." [Episode 54 in syndicated airings]
• "And today, we're having a half-off sale on Odie, 'cause he's half off." [Episode 55 in syndicated airings^note The original and DVD versions have no gag.]
  • "We interrupt this program to bring you commercials. Wow." [Episode 55 on remastered Boomerang prints and the 9Story Season 3 DVD]
• "Here are some commercials and then, more of me." [Episode 56]
• "Garfield and Friends will be right back. ...At least I'll be." [Episode 57]
• "The Buddy Bears are on the show today, folks, so keep that channel-changer handy." [Episode 58]
• "Just think of me as like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussycat." [Episode 60]
• "This show is the only possible reason for getting up this early." [Episode 62]
• "Thank you! You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the cartoon show..." [Episode 64]
• "I'm sick of those singers. Can we get some, like, Elvis impersonators for next week?" [Episode 66]
• "Welcome to my world. Did you bring food?" [Episode 67]
• "Hey, I'll return the favor — when you get your own cartoon show, I'll watch." [Episode 68]
• "Serving cartoon watchers the world over since 1988." [Episode 70]
• "This show is the most fun you can have without marinara sauce." [Episode 71]
• "When they invented television, this is pretty much what they had in mind." [Episode 72]
• "I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud!" [Episode 73]
• "The following is made possible by a grant from the Lasagna Manufacturers of America." [Episode 74]
• "Today's show is dedicated to loyal and courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere." [Episode 75]
• "If you can find a better show on television, watch it!" [Episode 76]
• "If this show were any more entertaining, we'd be on pay-per-view." [Episode 77]
• "If you like this show, tell a friend. If you don't like it, my name is Heathcliff." [Episode 78]
• "Where else can you get this much comedy for your viewing dollar?" [Episode 79]
• "The only cartoon show that comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee." [Episode 80]
• "And for my next trick, I will make the rest of the show magically appear!" [Episode 81]
• "We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show." [Episode 82]
• "Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited." [Episode 83]
• "And make sure you stick around after the show for the big cast party." [Episode 84]
• "If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch." [Episode 85]
• "Hey; you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?" [Episode 86]
• "And don't let your dog watch this show. It's too good for him." [Episode 87]
• "Today's show is brought to you in color. Unless the artists ran out of crayons..." [Episode 88]
• "You'll like today's show, folks. No Binky, no Nermal, no Buddy Bears... just a lot of me." [Episode 89]
• "Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29." [Episodes 90 and 95]
• "Don't bother checking NBC, kids — they're not running cartoons anymore." [Episode 91, although replaced with the quote above it]
• "Everything else you watch on TV this week will just be anti-climatic." [Episodes 91 and 94]
• "If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?" [Episodes 92-93]
• "Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me." [Episodes 96-97]
• "Critics agree — of all the TV shows on today, this is probably one of them." [Episodes 98-99]
• "Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you're thinking of is 7." [Episodes 100-101]
• "And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry." [Episodes 102 and 104]
• "Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day. We'll explain later." [Episodes 103 and 105]
• "I was gonna do something spontaneous here, but I've been too busy to plan it." [Episodes 106, 109, 119-120]
• "The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show." [Episodes 107-108, and 113]
• "The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk." [Episode 110]
• "Today, featuring the return of the Singing Ants. Boy, they have a good agent." [Episode 111]
• "Penelope is singing today, folks, so don't leave any expensive glassware near the TV." [Episode 112]
• "Today, a Saturday morning investigative report: where did all those Smurfs go?" [Episode 114]
• "This show is the answer. Unfortunately, no one's figured out the question yet." [Episode 115]
• "Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes!" [Episodes 116 and 119]
• "The longest-running show on this channel, except for the news, which is, unfortunately, funnier." [Episode 117]
• "Today, an encore performance of our report, "Are There Too Many Reruns on Cartoon Shows"?" [Episode 118]
• "After seven seasons, we've pretty much said everything you can say in this spot." [Episode 121]

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