: It doesn't have an ending. He's in L.A., she's in Japan. How do I get these two characters together? Rita
: Maybe they could walk. Maeby
: Across the ocean? Rita
: If it's not too deep. Maeby
: No, deep is good. People are going to say, "What the hell just happened? I better say I like it." 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.
"Oh, I get it! Because of the—? Hmm, yes! It all makes sense now!"
What? Who is Desmond?
I don't understand... Please, wait! I have so many questions! Desmond:
What. The. Fuck.
This is definitely the most uncomfortable day I've ever had. This whole adventure was just completely directionless, and it was filled with so many references, it's gonna date worse than that Heroes
-themed episode! Who's responsible for all this??
Who? Who?? [Zoom out to show Mulberry drawing the aforementioned scene on Peter Paltridge's tablet PC] Mulberry: Eh, ain't I a stinker?
Wait, now I'm even more confused!
What!? What does that mean!? What about the thing with The Patriots!? Did any of this actually happen!? Was I just hallucinating!?... Wait, why are we zooming out!? Is this the end!? Why isn't anyone answering my questions!? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
There are two ways to wrap up a canceled or ending TV show. There's the oft employed looking back at an empty room and closing the door option. Then there's the "WTF! Let's stab their eyeballs with crazy!" approach. Daves Dr. Pepper was spiked with LSD and he hallucinates a conversation with a Confederate general from the Civil War. He continues to have little pow wows with the general during the movie even when the LSD wears off and his family thinks hes crazy (I almost expected him to have conversations with Jesus ala Rescue Me). At the end of the movie everything is being wrapped up by narration and we cut to Daves daughter looking over an old Civil War history book. She flips to one page with a photo where we see the unit with the Confederate general and we see Dave. In fact, his daughter makes the statement Dave!? and the movie ends. WHAT THE F*CK DOES THAT MEAN!?!?!? What, is Tommy Lee Jones a reincarnated Civil War soldier? Is he a time traveler? Is he in fact, an immortal like Connor McLeod? Was he somehow absorbed by evil like Jack Torrence at the end of The Shining? Is he a shape shifter? This twist comes out of nowhere and it means absolutely nothing! What the f*ck are we supposed to make of it? IT'S JUST
AAAAAAARRRRRGGGH!!! The movie ends in one of two ways. In the Syfy release, it ends with narration by Anna that explicitly states that
the premise of the entire franchise has been bullshit. There can be only one was just a saying without meaning. The Source could only be accessed by the pure of heart, and its only reward was to give the winner a fucking baby. All the suffering, the angst, the lost loves of the series meant
nothing. Connor MacLeod fought the Kurgan for
nothing, because the Kurgan could never have entered the Source because he wasnt pure of heart. Duncan and Methos teaming up to stop the Four Horsemen meant
nothing, because the world still fell into chaos and Kronos could never have accessed the Source. Darius dying meant
nothing because the thing James Horton feared that immortals would one day rule mankind could never have come to pass because the Source offered no power and no wisdom it offered nothing beyond the chance to have a fucking baby.
The Russian release is even worse, but it takes a moment to really let things sink in. Just before we get a big CG image of Annas unborn baby, Duncan whispers, He is the one.
He is the one.
He is the goddamned poultry fornicating whale fisting goat humping mother fucking ONE!!!
"The actual plot of Date Movie
is that there's an overweight woman who wants to find love, so she loses all of her weight over the course of a rushed, gross-out montage, and the rest of the film is dedicated to a tiring love triangle with a hottie British guy and a jealous ex. Then King Kong kills Carmen Electra and the movie ends. (beat)
That's actually how the movie ends. Comedy fucking gold."
"What the hell just happened?! Was the ending? Was that the beginning? Did killing Gandohar create a timeloop sending me back to the beginning where Kira gets captured by Gandohar, only Gandohar doesn't capture Kira, because I killed him in the future, making this some sort of future-past?"
"Okay... I think it officially got to the point where it can't get any
Lots of speculation from everyone!