"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
— Alice Kahn
"Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?"
— Dogbert, Dilbert
"For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7.note "
— Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert
"...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad..."
Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need—
Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.
Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.
Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.
Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: Just give me the damn beep!
Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six—
Church: Come on!
Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Doc: Oooh, language!
Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church: I HATE YOU!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Vic! It's Church! I need—
Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect)
Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need—
Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.
Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.
Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.
Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: Just give me the damn beep!
Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six—
Church: Come on!
Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Doc: Oooh, language!
Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church: I HATE YOU!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Vic! It's Church! I need—
Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect)
Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need.
ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.
Durkon: One!
ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.
Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two! TWO!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.
Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".
Durkon: Gaah!
Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?
ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.
Durkon: One!
ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.
Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two! TWO!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.
Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".
Durkon: Gaah!
Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?
Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
— Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)
Phone: This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Please select one of the following four options. If you want to report a UFO sighting, press one...
Doctor: Aw, I hate these things!
Angela: No, if you keep your finger pressed on 0, you get through to a real person. Saw that on Watchdog.
Doctor: Aw, I hate these things!
Angela: No, if you keep your finger pressed on 0, you get through to a real person. Saw that on Watchdog.
- Doctor Who, "Planet of the Dead"
Menu Voice: For car tax, including changes such as disabled and LPG, not taxing your vehicle, replacing or changing your address on your log book, other inquiries about your vehicle, please press '1'
Grade: (mouth gaping in disbelief) Piss off! That's just one of the options, and you've got seven more of them? You can fuck off, mate!
Grade: (mouth gaping in disbelief) Piss off! That's just one of the options, and you've got seven more of them? You can fuck off, mate!
- Real Life example captured by GradeAUnderA.
"Peoples of the universe, please attend carefully. The message that follows is vital to the future of you all. I offer you a simple choice: continued existence under my rulership, or total annihilation. If you desire continued existence, press 1. If total annihilation, press 2. If you would like to hear amazing deals on tissue compression eliminators, please stay on the line."
— The Master, Doctor Who: The Abridged Series
Wade: I always feel like people exaggerate when they say how long they deal with these automated systems, but I know that I've been in this exact same boat. It is just a fact of life that if you have to call a business, expect to have three hours of your day just gone.
Mark: Aren't they supposed to save time? That's what I don't get. They're supposed to save time!
Wade: Their time. Not ours.
Mark: Aren't they supposed to save time? That's what I don't get. They're supposed to save time!
Wade: Their time. Not ours.
— Distractible, "Bob's Fridge"
Enireth Dispatcher: University Police, how may I direct your call?
Enireth Dispatcher: I'm sorry, library riots are emergencies. I'll have to transfer you. Please hold.
Automated Voicemail: If you'd like to report a crime in progress, press 'one' now. If you've stumbled onto a crime scene, press 'two.' For fire, hazmat containment failure, or life-support issues press 'nine' to be transferred to University facility management.
SFX: one
Automated Voicemail: You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three.
SFX: two
Enireth Dispatcher: I'm sorry, library riots are emergencies. I'll have to transfer you. Please hold.
Automated Voicemail: If you'd like to report a crime in progress, press 'one' now. If you've stumbled onto a crime scene, press 'two.' For fire, hazmat containment failure, or life-support issues press 'nine' to be transferred to University facility management.
SFX: one
Automated Voicemail: You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three.
SFX: two
"Thank you for calling 1-800-SUICIDE. If you wish to self-terminate by electric shock, press 1.
For termination by overdose, press 2.
If you'd like to make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press 3.
For termination by hanging, please press 4.
For death by self-inflicted gunshot, press 5.
To speak to a representative, stay on the line.
If you do not wish to die, please hang up now."
For termination by overdose, press 2.
If you'd like to make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press 3.
For termination by hanging, please press 4.
For death by self-inflicted gunshot, press 5.
To speak to a representative, stay on the line.
If you do not wish to die, please hang up now."
— Zeromancer, "Doctor Online"
All You Do Is Procrastinate! Procrastinate!!!
- A Dalek in Cyberman Call Centre
, Ashens
, AshensMickey: (dials) Hello? Minnie?
Recording: We're sorry. All circuits are busy now.
Mickey: Busy?!
Recording: Please try your call again later.
Mickey: But Minnie said it's urgent!
Recording: This has been a recording.
Mickey: You... You lousy—!
Recording: Do not yell at the recording.
Mickey: (picks up the receiver) Ooh, I'll show you yelling!
Recording: Do not smash the phone. Put me down.
Mickey: (smiles sheepishly as he slowly sets the phone and receiver down)
Recording: That's right...
—Mickey MouseWorks, "Locksmiths"
