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Quotes / Family-Unfriendly Aesop

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    Live-action TV 

So, it's better to speculate about doing good than actually doing it!
Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost

Lois: You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all of this.
Dewey: Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell!
Malcolm in the Middle, Lois Vs. Evil

Ann: Word of advice to babysitters: Let kids play with medical supplies all of the time!
Parks and Recreation, Women in Garbage.

    Video Games 
Kill one person, and you can solve so many problems. I wonder at the possibilities.
Runa Fair-Shield, after seeing you dispose of Grelod the Kind, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim



Thomas: Ed, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
Ed: Seriously? Why?
Thomas: I haven't set a good example for you today.
Ed: Oh, like the thing with the kid earlier?
Thomas: Of course not. That comes with the territory. What I should have done was stress the importance of not getting caught.
Ed: There we go, that's what I was waiting for.

Woo: I guess there's a lesson to be learned here.
Lily: Which is?
Woo: Your girlfriend won't leave you as long as you're clingy enough!
Lily: That's a terrible lesson!
Woo: Still better than "Good things come to those who wait."

    Web Original 
So don't worry, girls. Some kind of 'Fairy Godmother' will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!

I think I get the message of the story. Christianity is good, and most, if not all, women are evil skanks who should die. And so do anyone else who celebrate any other religion. And bands that are supposedly "evil". And women in power, gays, and those who have disabilities.

That is one fucked-up message.
— From Arcadiarika's liveblog of The Evil Gods I

So what's the lesson here, that it's a good idea to dupe people into doing manual labor for no wages?

“Let this be a lesson, kids.” Steel said, “Stealing is a-okay and if anyone calls you out on it, feel free to have them punished in absolutely horrible ways.”

    Web Video 

I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!

That's right, kids. Don't call 911 if you're being attacked by people who want to kill or kidnap you. Only call for important things, like if your cable goes out and you can't watch The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. That's what's important!

Remember kids, you can talk to your dogs! If for some reason it doesn't work, there's something wrong with you! You should be ashamed of yourself and feel totally awful that you are unable to enjoy your dog! Sorry, we don't know what the fuck's wrong with you. Maybe you're just an idiot.

JewWario: Do ya hear that, kids? Reckless endangerment is okay, as long as you're following your heart.
Suede: To your death! It's the only way you'll be a Pokémon Master!

"Truly Chief Mah God learnt a lesson today: Just threaten to kill people, it gets shit done faster."
Phelous in his review of the Pocahontas Dingo version.

"So there you have it, folks! The moral of this story is 'never think, or else the Secret Police might catch ya and kill ya no matter what!' 'S good for the kids if it's good for the adults!"

    Western Animation 

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.

I mean, what kind of idiotic writer tells children that it's okay to be continuously playing pranks on everyone? We're raising a generation of assholes, that's what we're doing.

Man, revenge is underrated, that felt awesome!
Dipper Pines, Gravity Falls

Okay, kids. Sometimes when you're an adult, you have to lie. All of the time about absolutely everything and never show your feelings because it's impolite, sit on them when you die and bury them with you like the ancient Egyptians did.
Nicole Watterson, The Amazing World of Gumball


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