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Quotes / Evil Is Petty

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    Anime and Manga 
Maou: I suppose I could have asked my manager at work to help us out first.
Ashiya: We can't annoy your boss with such trifles.
Emi: So you annoy me instead!?
Maou: Well duh, causing trouble for heroes is the whole point of being a devil.

Real temptation, real redemption, the truest test of the human will, Crowley knew, was not in the heart of the gibbering serial killer or the pious king, but waged in the soul of the man in his front yard, eyeing his neighbour's throat while gripping his garden shears and thinking if that dog of his gets into the begonias one more time...

    Film — Western Animation 
Why go to the baker, stand in line / Just use a freeze gun it saves me time. / I'm havin' a bad, bad day / It's about time that I get my way...
"Despicable Me" song, Despicable Me

    Film — Live-Action 
(Jimmy walks past with a coffee cup, Luthor swipes it)
Jimmy: Hey! That's for the chief!
Lex: Chief's got it. (drinks)

"And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor of the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs rewarded, no games, no celebrations—but three miserable, old, ex-counsels waiting at the gates to meet him, and a room full of cowardly, stay-at-home senators who have spent all their time in the theatre and in the baths, while he has spent six months, living no better than a private soldier!? Yes! Your emperor has returned! BUT WITH THIS IN HIS HAND!" (produces a frighteningly large battle sword from his robe)
Caligula, I, Claudius

Amon Goeth: Shoot her.
Foreman: Herr Kommandant! I'm only trying to do my job!
Goeth: Ja, I'm doing mine.
Hujar: Sir, she's foreman of construction.
Goeth: I'm not going to have arguments with these people— No, shoot her here, on my authority.
(foreman is shot)
Goeth: Take it down, repour it, rebuild it, like she said.

Patrick Bateman after killing Paul Allen, American Psycho

Evil is unspectacular and always human
And shares our bed and eats at our own table.

The Unman: Ransom?
Ransom: What?
The Unman: Nothing. Hey.
Ransom: What?
The Unman: Ransom?
Perelandra (He does this all night).

ďIíll be honest, Chancellor Ė revenge is the motivation for over half the decrees Iíve made.Ē
Dread Empress Sanguinia II, best known for outlawing cats and being taller than her, A Practical Guide To Evil

    Live-Action TV 
"What are a few lives lost when it allows you validated parking?"
Dr. Isiah, Bullet in the Face ("Angel of Death")

Cigarette Smoking Man: What I don't want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I'm alive, that doesn't happen.
Jones: That'll be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad.
C.S.M.: So did the Soviets in '80.
Jones: What are you saying? You rigged the Olympic hockey game?
C.S.M.: What's the matter? Don't you believe in miracles?
The X-Files, "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man"

"It works like this, John: I know who Mary hurt and killed. I know where to find people who hate her. I know where they live, I know their phone numbers. All in my Mind Palace Ė all of it. I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down — and I will... unless you let me flick your face."
Charles Augustus Magnussen, Sherlock "His Last Vow"

"The last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me, and I'll tell you why. Lucifer might be strong, but I'm... petty."
Zachariah (an Angel), Supernatural

Jessica: Don't listen to Kilgrave, don't talk to him.
Jeri: Right, because he will mind control me.
Jessica: No, because he's an asshole.

Barry Allen: Wh-Why did [Reverse-Flash] kill Nora Allen?
Gideon: Because he was angry.
Barry Allen: About what!?
Gideon: That you escaped.

And as funny as it may seem,
Some people get their kicks
Stompin' on a dream
—"That's Life", Marion Montgomery

    Video Games 
"Two mad-dog killers, ready to murder each other! They step into the next room, and I'm thinking, now they're gonna do it. But no: They sit down in front of a TV, and solve their differences with a kung fu fighting video game. I tell you, Candy, I was so depressed, I strangled them both with the video game cables."
Rico Muerte, Max Payne

"Listen, I need you to buy some property, OK? Shouldn't cost that much: You offer them a dollar. If they give you a hard time, kill them."
Mike Toreno, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas . (CJ gives them eighty grand and doesn't kill them).

All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file. "Unlikable; liked by no one; a bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned." Shall. Not. Be Mourned. That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too.
GLaDOS, Portal

We've loaned your father a lot of money. It may have been a hundred thousand dollars or more... Well, I guess it really could have been less.
Aloysius Minch, EarthBound

"Get up here, grab a gift, the Devil's a little busy here. I got to go rig an election with Quebec. A local election, but you know, I'm the Devil!. I've got to sweat the small stuff."
The Bombinomicon, Team Fortress 2

    Web Animation 
"Say you are given a quest to get a schoolgirl's cat out of a tree. On average you are given three options: Neutral, where you get the cat down and accept the girl's allowance as payment; Good, where you waive the fee and fondly tousle the girl's hair as she scampers off; and ASSHOLE, where you set fire to the tree and stomp up and down on the schoolgirl's face. And speaking as an asshole, this offends me. There are so many wonderful ways to be a complete ponce that these games don't cater for. Why can't I rescue the cat, but hold it for ransom for her dad's porn collection? Or get the cat out by throwing rocks at it so it breaks all its legs on the concrete, and then still expect to be paid with the infuriatingly infallible logic of a complete tosser?"
Yahtzee extolling the virtues of Alpha Protocol

"At first I thought Adam was 'justice', then I thought he was 'passion'. But over time, I realized I was wrong. He wasnít any of those things. He was 'spite'. Not 'hatred', not 'rage', 'spite'. He wonít accept equality, only suffering for what he feels the world did to him, and his way of thinking is dangerously contagious."
Blake Belladonna on Adam Taurus, RWBY

Gabe: I did punch a baby once, in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick.
Tycho: Yeah, I don't know what that baby's problem was.

AG: Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is? Do you have any sympathy for what I'm dealing with here?
AT: uHH,
AG: You're so inconsider8. You just sit there looking smug. It's infuri8ing to look at you.
AG: You haven't even thanked me! Or apologized for that matter!!!!!!!!
AG: Seriously, how hard would that have 8een?
AT: bUT,
AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass!
AG: Yes.
AG: Say you're sorry.
— A typical conversation between Vriska and Tavros, Homestuck

    Web Original 
"With the Well Manicured Man out of the picture (thank goodness I will never have to type out that name again Ė even something as simple as 'Bob' would have sufficed), the Smoking Man is back on top and running the show again. Only he would deem it appropriate to suck down on a cigarette in the middle of a vital surgical procedure. The man is a menace to public safety, in more ways than one."
Joe Ford on The X-Files, "The Beginning"

"That is, after all, the only way to justify the briefing he gives to the mobsters explaining Operation: Grand Slam, save for the fact that the script needed to outline his plan to the audience. He kills all the gangsters anyway, but it seems a rather inefficient way of relaying information. However, it makes perfect sense for his character, who desperately wants to prove his own superiority, and to boast about all his fancy possessions. ďI did enjoy your briefing,Ē Bond comments. Goldfinger responds. ďSo did I.Ē And, in the end, it seems thatís all that matters to Goldfinger."

"There is a vague promise of getting in good with the dirty captain and whatnot but what it boils down to is a pair of playoff tickets. Yup, playoff tickets. I was absolutely laughing my ass off [when] the Sergeant takes back the playoff tickets since he wonít be using them stuck in I.A. Itís like, not only is this guy evil, but he is a Lumberg from Office Space type douchebag who will take back gifts. What an asshole."
Miles Antwiler on Dirty (2005)

David: Thatís how much of a dick Burke is: he will trick you into compromising your religious beliefs just to screw with you.
Chris: That might actually be his most villainous moment, because it accomplishes absolutely nothing. He just wants that dude to eat a hot dog. Itís pure evil for evilís sake.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Steel

"Narcissists are usually hurtful only when threatened. And Machiavellians are too calculating to risk retaliation unless there is a lot on the line. Sadists may be unique in engaging in unprovoked cruelty—cruelty that takes effort and has no discernible benefits."

"I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I canít believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Canít Dennis Rodman just whisper, 'Baby, donít be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,' into Kim Jong-unís ear as they spoon?"
Michael K., "Sony Officially Kills The Interview"

"The saga of Ocean Marketing began with a guy named Dave contacting Ocean Marketing about his order of two Avenger game controllers. He began a correspondence with company representative Paul Christoforo, who, over the course of four emails, went from unhelpful dumbass to legendary dick. Paul's response to reasonable questions was telling a customer that he was going to keep the things he bought and sell them for inflated prices on eBay. You should also keep in mind that these controllers are specialized for disabled gamers, and Paul had to know that there was a very likely chance that he was threatening to steal from a handicapped person."

"Ruining the life of a single British war hero by spreading rumors may seem awfully petty for a guy of grand evil like Hitler, but hey — that's why he was Hitler. He always took time to screw the little guy."

"This is, to my mind, the amazing thing about Theodore Beale. It is not just that he is a frothing fascist, but that he believes that the best possible thing he can do with his magical genetic access to Divine Truth is to try to disrupt the Hugo Awards."

"Owner Dan Snyder had a park ranger fired, and somehow that's the least grotesque thing he did. He was also caught giving out apples for holiday bonuses...Forget about the whole nickname debate. Dan Snyder is never going to change the nickname, because fighting against the dirty liberal media is the only way that sad, lonely man will ever be able to make friends. The only way he renames the team is if he gets a new stadium in exchange, because it's just like Dan Snyder to defend his integrity and then offer it as a bargaining chip."

"Almost as soon as I leave the house, Iím 'Excuse me mate-d from a car window. The shirtless man at the wheel asks me for directions, a thing which, traditionally Iím very bad at.

'Yeah, up there. Straight up there. Just keep going straight, and you canít miss it.'

'Thanks, mate,' says the man, thinking that heís lucked out by a) already being on the right path, and b) bumping in to such a gushing fountain of local wisdom. He
canít miss it! Even if he tries. This scorching, ninety-degree summer day shall no more be wasted crawling through the back-roads of Sussex in a boiling metal box, peering at street-signs that have been childishly defaced, as this kindly stranger has guaranteed a safe, fast journey to destinationís end.

This flawless system of instant, confident sounding, directionless directions has never steered me wrong (unlike those suckers behind the wheel!), and itís the perfect crime. You could be luring them to the other end of town, or to the slippery banks of the county urine lake, and it doesnít matter a jot, because youíre never going to see these lost and confused out-of-towners again.
Never. Thereís no recriminations from bad directions. Ever."

    Web Video 
"LaCroix turns Nick's dog into a vampire to teach him a lesson? W-why??"

"Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no... somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact that I was thoughtlessly reneging on.

When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and ó unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road ó sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way.

And that was all.

This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off; he was prepared to risk himself and others just to make sure I knew he was doing it. He couldn't handle me
not knowing it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on 'loser.'"
SFDebris comparing a fellow motorist to Khan Noonien Singh (yes.)

"He didn't stick around to kill Bob, he just broke his gun and drank all of his fluid; because in this movie, Jason's a dick!"

    Western Animation 
Dr. Polaris: *Ahem*
The Flash (as Luthor):" ...What?
Dr. Polaris: You gonna wash your hands?
"Lex Luthor": No! ... 'Cuz I'm evil.

Klaus: You're really gonna kill five people over $20?!
Roger: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19?
Klaus: ...Oh, yeah.

"Hmm. I suppose, given my imminent godhood, these primitives should really be beneath my attention. Ah, still. No score is too small to settle, I always say."
Megatron, Beast Wars

"Lies and fibs, cheats and steals!
My treacherous villainy makes me squeal!
I never tip, I butt in line,
I never clean the dishes and it suits me fine!
I'm so pleased, I'm such a sleaze!
This bad guy thing's a breeze!"
King K. Rool, Donkey Kong Country

Bart Simpson: You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish.
Mr, Burns: Oh, am I? (aims his gun at Bart)
"Grandpa" Abe Simpson: No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy.
Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.
(kicks Bart in the crate, which falls in the sea)
The Simpsons, "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"

Prepare to witness a truly petty act brought upon by my own mindless jealousy Hahahaha!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Phineas and Ferb

    Real Life 
"I played a film clip of Nixon in his vice presidential days. The soundtrack is missing, so it is a silent movie. An official banquet of some sort. Nixon remembers to smile the way people do. A waiter approaches him with a large, sticky-looking dessert. At that moment, Nixon leans over to speak to his partner on the left, frustrating the waiter's effort to serve him. The waiter moves on. Nixon sits back; realizes that his dessert has been given to the man on his right. He waves to the waiter, who does not see him. Now the Nixon face is beginning to resemble that of the third English king of his name. Eyes—yes, mere slits—dart first left, then right. Coast is clear. Ruthless Plantagenet king, using his fork as a broadsword, scoops up half the dessert on the neighbor's plate and dumps it on his own. As he takes the first taste of the dessert, there is a radiance in his eyes that I have never seen before or since. Nixon is happy. Pie in the sky on the plate at last."

"I mean, he's wholly and unapologetically evil, but more to the point, he's kind of a dick."
Rich Burlew on Xykon