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Quotes / Everything Trying to Kill You

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    Film — Live-Action 

"Out there beyond that fence, every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes."
Col. Miles Quaritch, Avatar

"Holy shit! What a dream I was having! Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me!"

"You think monkeys, mosquitoes, and lions are bad? That's just the beginning. I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares. Things you can't even imagine. Things you can't even see. There are things that hunt you in the night. Then something screams. Then you hear them eating, and you hope to God that you're not dessert. Afraid? You don't even know what afraid is..."
Alan Parrish, Jumanji


He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.
Angel of the LORD to Hagar about Ishmael, The Bible, Genesis 16:12 (New International Version)

All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and when they catch you, they will kill you... but first they must catch you.


    Live Action TV 

People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time
You paid attention, you'd be worried too
You better pay attention or this world you love so much
Might just kill you
'Cause it's a jungle out there
Monk theme song

Soolin: But one thing I do know; if you want to survive on this planet you have to assume that everyone is out to get you.
Vila: I always assume that wherever I go.
Soolin: The difference is, on Gauda Prime you'll be right!
Blake's 7, "Blake"


There is only death and danger
In the sockets of my eyes
A playground of illusion
No one plays until they die
—"99 Ways to Die", MEGADETH


Superior, Ariz., is the original town without pity. During the course of his brief stay there, Bobby will be kicked in the ribs several dozen times, almost be bitten by a tarantula, shot at, and have his car all but destroyed—and that's all before the final scenes with the vultures circling overhead. Bobby comes across almost like a character in a computer game; you wipe him out, he falls down, stars spin around his head, and then he jumps up again, ready for action.

In Nintendo you control a little man who runs around the screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile forces try to kill him. It's a lot like New York.

    Tabletop Games 

Even when the battlefield gives us every advantage, it is still part of the universe. And this universe, never forget, despises us.

Each piece of the realm of battle constantly fights to obliterate the others. Each acts like a living servant of Khorne, wanting to prove to the master of the land that it is the most worthy of his rewards. A visitor to this nightmare realm would surely be driven mad, knowing that every rock, every breeze, and every drop of what should be water is an enemy, looking to kill him with just as much purpose, desire, and violence as the multitudinous Daemons of the Blood God inhabiting the land.
Black Crusade: The Tome Of Blood

    Video Games 

An animated globule of molten lava, OUT TO DESTROY YOU FOR SOME REASON. Truly, EVERYTHING is out to get you. That's what you get for being a protagonist!
Lava Blob description, MARDEK Chapter III

The floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
GlaDOS, Portal

R.I.P Player, killed by elementary physics
— One of many NetHack death messages.

I've begun to find a dark humor in the absolute overkill I face. This is simply ridiculous.
The Monster Log on the Colossus, Risk of Rain

Sandman: You should know Uncle Sam's got a Kill/Capture order on your head.
Price: Tell 'em to join the bloody queue.

...The other day I was chased down a hallway by a giant cube with the word AVOID on it. These security measures go too far!
— A terminal in VVVVVV


    Web Animation 

"When I was a kid, we played games where we had one life and every bird, insect and blade of grass was trying to murder you."


Abner: She used to be run by a dwarf named Kurtz, but he was killed by some bad clams.
Krosp: Clams?
Abner: Yes, they had axes.

Othar Tryggvassen: Ha! It'll take more than being tied to a lit keg of explosives and tossed into a pit of acid filled with mutant, acid-resistant flying piranhas equipped with flame throwers and battle-axes while mechanical, missile-launching morris dancers armed with liquid nitrogen harpoon guns are overhead, riding giant, rabid killer bees with side mounted death rays to kill Othar Tryggvassen!
Ferretina: Whoops! Silly me, I forgot to turn the lightning generators on!
Othar: Er, not a whole lot more, I'll admit...
— Turning the above Up to Eleven, Girl Genius

Zola "Heterodyne": Avoid any floorstone marked in white. It is a trap that will kill you. Do not stand under any part of the ceiling marked in white. It is a trap that will kill you. Duck under any opening taller than one meter. It is a trap that will kill you. Do not touch any metal surface. It is a trap that will kill you.
Mook 1: Are you trying to frighten us?
Zola: Yes! This place is dangerous, twisted, and worst of all—
Mook 2: Hey, a gold piece! [screams as a pit opens underneath him and he drops out of sight]
Zola: It likes to think it has a sense of humor.

Sam: Before I got a complete environment suit, I made a list of everything that's tried to eat me. (hands Winston a data slab)
Winston: Dogs. Cats. Rodents of Unusual Size. Rodents of usual size. Birds, including humming. Papilio rutulus. Papilio rutulus? Is that correct?
Sam: Technically, it was the caterpillars that found me tasty, but yeah, I made a species of butterfly go carnivorous.

    Web Original 

You skate around town to various skating parks after earning enough points to get tickets in. You are also randomly:

Mowed down by cars.
Mowed down by motorcycles.
Mowed down by invisible skeletons.
Mowed down by bodybuilders.
Mowed down by frisbees thrown by steroidal transsexuals.

Interestingly, none of these things kill you. You take a stumble and get back on the board. What does kill you?

Killer bees that are released if you take too long.
El Sandifer on 720 (NES)

Young ass gamers these days don’t know how hard we had it. They think they have it hard when they have to complete a mission by killing 45 bad guys with nothing but 1 gun and they have to do it in 30 seconds. We had to dodge 1-bit cars! Get off my 1-bit lawn!

There is one thing Shada does that is extremely original though. If you try to leave a given area without having completed all the tasks required there, a character approaches and blocks the path to the next area, informing you of the error of your ways. You then instantly die! Incredible idea, imagine playing like The Legend of Zelda or a Dragon Age game or something where you just spontaneously combust when you talk to someone. Welcome to Maka Hakkenden Shada.
Chris Rasa on Makai Hakkenden Shada

Scott: Look out for that truck. It'll kill you.
Missy: Okay.
Scott: Look out for that dog. It'll kill you.
Missy: Is there anything in this game that can't kill you?
Scott: Not that I've found. Look out for that shrub.

Because if D&D has taught me anything, it has taught me that my laundry is just waiting to stab me in the face whenever I let my guard down.

Survival rule 502: Every hunk of rock is trying to kill you.

Dream Valley is constantly out to kill you. It's like Australia, Sunnydale and Ravenloft met at an orgy, and spawned this aberration, then woke up in the morning and freaked out when they realized Care-A-Lot and Disneyland had also participated.

Deadly poison nerve gas smoke was sprayed at me from CIGARS, CIGARETTES and even from BALL-POINT PENS also from the WIG of a woman sitting next to me, even the Swiss cheese-type ice cubes were evaporating into poison nerve gas smoke in all of the "free" drinks!

This brings up the first issue I have with D&D: There is no hope for you if you exist in this world. Nothing can be trusted. If the game master wants to kill you, you're dead.

Between the deserts, the natural disasters, and all the venomous things that will kill you by accident, Australia is like Earth’s hard mode.

    Web Video 

Oh my god, here comes a shark and it's gonna kill you
Oh my god, look out for the jellyfish, they're gonna kill you
Oh my god, the rocks a-falling, they're gonna kill you
Hey look out, you're almost out of oxygen, it's gonna kill you
Oh my god, I can't believe that
that could kill you
Oh my god, I can't touch a bubble, that'll kill you
That Chick with the Goggles, singing about Ecco: Tides of Time

"I won't rest until every man, woman, child, and insect is after 'im!"

"Everything kills you with only one hit: the dragon, the fireball, the moat, the door! But the bat just takes away a tiny bit of life from— [double take] ...your life bar. Yeah, that's right. You have a life bar. I didn't even notice, but what's the point? Because everything that hits you, it kills you instantly!"

"Geez, wouldn't this be a good reason to call off the wedding? I mean, he has had quite a day. Wonder how the bride's been doing? She's probably worried about, I dunno, her dress or the color of the fucking flowers or some shit. Next thing, the groom shows up covered in bomb ashes and bird shit. 'Sorry, honey, I'm late! I had quite a day. All living creatures in the whole fucking town tried to kill me, that's all!' What makes him think the church is gonna be any better? Is the priest gonna throw candles at him? Is Jesus gonna climb off the fucking cross and start hittin' him with it?"
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

"Who's back there rolling tires?! Get a life! How about the lawnmower? The remote-controlled cars? The breakdancer? Yeah, he's breakdancing all by himself on the sidewalk. Is it a challenge? Did I get served? What's this? A tornado or the Tasmanian fuckin' Devil? If there's a tornado coming through town, I think the residents have bigger issues than not getting their papers."
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Paperboy

"Does Mr. Wilson's house have some sort of poltergeist? An infinite number of records are flying off the record player. Teacups, bowling balls, boxing gloves, and even suppositories try to kill you. He also owns a million purple cats. The Tiger King's got nothing on him."
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Dennis the Menace (SNES)

"Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me?! I mean, they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!"

"You go back to your castle to find your father dead, and your house is infested—I'm not kidding—by feral cats. Nuthin' but. And these cats will kick your fuckin' ass, I swear to God. These things have a 30 ft horizontal leap and they go right for your balls, man."

Yugi: It's as though nature itself is just randomly trying to kill us!
Tristan: M. Night Shyamalan was right!

"This girl falls over everything. Cracks in the cement! Tiny tufts of grass in the sidewalk! Sand particles. —OOHH, she made it over the chalk on the floor. Gotta be honest: didn't expect her to clear that one."
Jontron plays California Games

Let's worry about more important matters, like why does the fire department want you dead?
Mike Fireball on The Simpsons

Platforms aren't supposed to kill you! Platforms are your friend, Colordreams!
stanburdman on Robodemons

Stop trying to kill me! Pizza is supposed to be delicious, not murderous!

So what kind of threats are we dealing with? Oh, I dunno, everything!


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