Quotes / Dogs Are Dumb

Anyway, dogs make good pets because they are very loyal. (NOTE: When I say "loyal," I mean "stupid." I once wrote a column in which I said dogs are stupid, and I got a lot of nasty mail from people who insisted, often with misspelled words, that dogs are intelligent. Perhaps from their point of view dogs are intelligent, but I don't want to get into that here. I'll just stick with "loyal.")

— Dave Barry, The Problem with Pets

1. "Bark!"
2. "Time to eat!"
3. "Bark! Bark!"
4. "Here's an object! I'd better pee on it!"
5. "Or have sex with it!"
6. "Bark! Bark! Bark!"
7. "Mmmm! Crotch!"
8. "Time to eat again!"
9. "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!"
10. "Bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark­bark!"

— Dave Barry's Money Secrets, "The Ten Basic Dog Thoughts"

Is this the dumbest dog in America? People screaming and dying all around him and he's standing there like he wants to be burned alive.

— The Nostalgia Chick, on Boomer in Independence Day.

My name is Runt, but my master calls me Stupid. What a nice guy!

— Runt, Animaniacs

SCRRREEEEECCCCHHH! A car slammed on its brakes and missed me by a couple of feet. A couple of feet! I mean, if the driver had been one millisecond slower to hit the brakes, I'd have been roadkill. But my complete dog-brain reaction to that near-death experience was, "Cool! I smell something!"

I'm totally serious. The fact that I smelled some other dog's pee on a curb was about ten thousand times more interesting to my dog brain than the squealing car was.

—Animorphs #10: The Android

I don't think a dog,

Has a brain in his head.

You'd never see me,

Doing dumb things like that

Because I'm really smart.

I am a cat.

— There's a Dragon in my Wagon, "Dogs Are Dumb"

Owen: Sometimes it's so nice to sit and think.

Dingo: Yeah.

Beat panel

Beat panel

Dingo: I'm actually just sitting.

— Owen Comics, just

Yippie-tie-yi-yo, stay awake little doggie!
I wish you could sing but I know that you can't
Yippie-tie-yi-yo, stay awake little doggie!
The sunshine is bright but I know that you aint.

— Hank the Cowdog: "Slim's Boring Song"

---