open/close all folders
Anime and Manga
Onizuka: Hanging a few tykes from a tree and punching them. That's lame. You can do better than that. You haven't been street punks very long, have you?
Thug: Say that again?
Onizuka: What are you, nuns? You didn't even drag 'em around behind motorbikes! You just string 'em up and skip around throwing punches! Pathetic.
Thug: So what should we do? Burn 'em with a lighter?
Onizuka: Still weak.
Thug: Throw rocks at 'em?
Onizuka: Warmer, but still... ya need something original.
Thug: We could dunk them upside down in the lake.
Onizuka: It's been done.note
Comic Books
[Darkseid's army are] doing a very good job for a very bad cause.
Fan Works
Bardock: Really? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two? I don't even think you killed anyone with those peashooters! Speaking of which, what models are those? They look ancient.
Kayabira: Heeey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply!
Bardock: Oh, kill one of the sick ones! What're you gonna do next, waterboard the elderly?
Kayabira: Look buddy, we didn't come here to be judged by you!
Bardock: (kills them) Pfff. Amateurs.
(Extended credits version)
Bardock: Seriously, you want to learn how to traumatize a village? Okay. See that kid over there? (fires ki blast off-screen, explosion)
Villager: (off-screen) RDP, NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Bardock: Hear that mother? THAT... is distraught.
Kayabira: ...You should write a book! You're like a brilliant scientist!
Bardock: Well, I am working on this "fake moon" thing.
Kayabira: Heeey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply!
Bardock: Oh, kill one of the sick ones! What're you gonna do next, waterboard the elderly?
Kayabira: Look buddy, we didn't come here to be judged by you!
Bardock: (kills them) Pfff. Amateurs.
(Extended credits version)
Bardock: Seriously, you want to learn how to traumatize a village? Okay. See that kid over there? (fires ki blast off-screen, explosion)
Villager: (off-screen) RDP, NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Bardock: Hear that mother? THAT... is distraught.
Kayabira: ...You should write a book! You're like a brilliant scientist!
Bardock: Well, I am working on this "fake moon" thing.
— Dragon Ball Z Abridged, "Episode of Bardock Abridged"
Ami, that can't be healthy! Liquid suddenly disappearing from cells that are already using it - I shudder to think what that does to a metabolism. Next time you want to get drunk, use a real drink! Doctor's order!
— Doctor Mizuno, Dungeon Keeper Ami
Misato: Where did my wine go?
Shinji: I'm sorry?
Misato: See this empty bottle and how it was stashed away back on the shelf? If you drank the stuff, why did you put the empty bottle back where I could find it?
Shinji: I didn't—
Misato: Kiddo, I'm not angry. You don't have to lie. Throw that away when you get a chance.
Shinji: I'm sorry?
Misato: See this empty bottle and how it was stashed away back on the shelf? If you drank the stuff, why did you put the empty bottle back where I could find it?
Shinji: I didn't—
Misato: Kiddo, I'm not angry. You don't have to lie. Throw that away when you get a chance.
Sirius: I don't want you sneaking out on your own, mind. Make sure you bring your friends along to watch your back.
Lupin: Only you could tell someone to sneak out responsibly.
Lupin: Only you could tell someone to sneak out responsibly.
PoH: The Lord has ordered these sinners dead! ...In the form of a guy who paid us fifty bucks.
Kirito: Fifty bucks?! Selling yourself a bit cheap, don't you think? You guys provide an essential, in-demand service, and you're definitely the leaders in your field. You're Laughing Coffin! I mean, you gotta cash in on that name recognition!
Johnny Black: That's what I keep telling him! But the high-paying clients won't touch us! They take one look at Reverend Killjoy over here and think we're a bunch of crazy people!
Kirito: Exactly. You could reach a much wider demo if you just tone down the religious theme. What you guys need is a total rebranding: ad campaign, PR blast, get your faces out there! Let people know you're not just about the fire and brimstone, you are multifaceted, three-dimensional killing machines, and you have got a little something for everyone. Because contract killing... is a beat we can all dance to.
Johnny Black: Ohhh man, I got chills...
PoH: You've given us much to think about, young man.
Kirito: Fifty bucks?! Selling yourself a bit cheap, don't you think? You guys provide an essential, in-demand service, and you're definitely the leaders in your field. You're Laughing Coffin! I mean, you gotta cash in on that name recognition!
Johnny Black: That's what I keep telling him! But the high-paying clients won't touch us! They take one look at Reverend Killjoy over here and think we're a bunch of crazy people!
Kirito: Exactly. You could reach a much wider demo if you just tone down the religious theme. What you guys need is a total rebranding: ad campaign, PR blast, get your faces out there! Let people know you're not just about the fire and brimstone, you are multifaceted, three-dimensional killing machines, and you have got a little something for everyone. Because contract killing... is a beat we can all dance to.
Johnny Black: Ohhh man, I got chills...
PoH: You've given us much to think about, young man.
Captain Lovelace: You can’t do this!
Ranma: Course we can! We won, you lost; ergo, we get to steal your treasure.
Lovelace: That’d be all fair and fine if you were fellow pirates, but you’re just civilians! You have no right to steal our hard-won treasure!
Kodachi: We are pirates!
Lovelace: Hah! Then where’s your Jolly Roger? What’s your Crew Name? You can’t call yourselves proper pirates without those things!
Ranma: Course we can! We won, you lost; ergo, we get to steal your treasure.
Lovelace: That’d be all fair and fine if you were fellow pirates, but you’re just civilians! You have no right to steal our hard-won treasure!
Kodachi: We are pirates!
Lovelace: Hah! Then where’s your Jolly Roger? What’s your Crew Name? You can’t call yourselves proper pirates without those things!
Professor Xavier: Listen to me. If you had put Will Anderson's head through that wall somewhere that wasn't in front of witnesses, I would say, yes, fight this. You didn't though; you put his head through the wall at Harry's on a very crowded night in front of a whole restaurant of witnesses. If you fight this, Jean, you are going to lose.
Cyclops: See, next time, you wait in the dark parking lot for him to come out, jump him, and kick the crud out of him. Remember — no witnesses.
Cyclops: See, next time, you wait in the dark parking lot for him to come out, jump him, and kick the crud out of him. Remember — no witnesses.
Films — Animation
Randall: WAZOWSKI?! Where is she, you little one-eyed creh-tin?!
Mike: Okay, first of all, it's "cree-tin". If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly.
Mike: Okay, first of all, it's "cree-tin". If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly.
Megamind: You dare challenge Megamind!?
Titan: This town isn't big enough for two supervillains!
Megamind: [gigantic holographic version of his own head forms in the sky] Oh, you're a villain, all right. But not a super one.
Titan: Yeah? What's the difference?
Megamind: [the head opens its mouth, Megamind steps out triumphantly on the tongue while the gigantic head begins shooting lasers like a rock show] PRESENTATION!!
— Megamind
Films — Live Action
Uncle Fester: No! No, no, no, no, no! Gimme that sword! Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone before?
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery... the jugular!
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery... the jugular!
"I don't mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one."
—Rick Blaine, Casablanca
Nimble: Oh...what's the name of that Burt Reynolds picture with the banjo?
Fife: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one with that retarded kid. He was good, that guy.
Nimble: Yeah, he was good..."Deliverance"! Coupla nights ago, me and Denise, we popped that into the DVD. We're about an hour into this thing and I start thinking to myself, "This story ain't very realistic." You're a lonely mountain man. They're destroying your home. They've taken your job. There is no place to set your still. You are angry - they've destroyed everything that validates your manhood. You're confused; your sexuality is in question. You decide you're going to hit for the other side. You want yourself some man meat. I understand that...but wouldn't you wait for Burt Reynolds to come downriver?!
Fife: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one with that retarded kid. He was good, that guy.
Nimble: Yeah, he was good..."Deliverance"! Coupla nights ago, me and Denise, we popped that into the DVD. We're about an hour into this thing and I start thinking to myself, "This story ain't very realistic." You're a lonely mountain man. They're destroying your home. They've taken your job. There is no place to set your still. You are angry - they've destroyed everything that validates your manhood. You're confused; your sexuality is in question. You decide you're going to hit for the other side. You want yourself some man meat. I understand that...but wouldn't you wait for Burt Reynolds to come downriver?!
Literature
It's so much better to do things neatly and properly, even stupid things.
If one is going to tell a lie at all, it might as well be an artistic lie, a romantic lie, a convincing lie.
Knocking over an armoured truck is merely crude. Knocking over an entire republic, I feel, has a certain style.
Magrat: I said, what about this rule about not meddling?
Nanny Ogg: Ah, the thing is, as you progress in the Craft, you'll learn there is another rule. Esme obeyed it all her life.
Magrat: And what's that?
Nanny Ogg: When you break rules, break 'em good and hard.
Nanny Ogg: Ah, the thing is, as you progress in the Craft, you'll learn there is another rule. Esme obeyed it all her life.
Magrat: And what's that?
Nanny Ogg: When you break rules, break 'em good and hard.
It unscrews the other way.
— Professor McGonagall to Peeves the Poltergeist, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Are you genuinely trying to bargain with us when you’re sitting in a hotel for monsters, having lost their wine to a man without the common sense to simply shoot his opponents? Using river hags to do your dirty work isn’t just inappropriate; it’s inefficient. He should have known better.
—Jonathan Healy, InCryptid: "Sweet Poison Wine"
Gods Below, act Evil for once in your life. It's like it's a hobby with you people.
There's a saying here: "If you steal, steal a million. If you screw, screw a queen."
— Len Wicklow, The Russia House by Johnle Carre
No tales were ever told of me. Do you think I would be sitting here if it were otherwise? Your amusements are your own, I will not chide you on that count. But you must be discreet. "A peaceful land, a quiet people." That has always been my rule, make it yours.
— Roose Bolton to his son Ramsay, A Song of Ice and Fire
What gave you the right to commit such an act? What made you wish to commit such an act? And so stupid! What did you earn for that night's work? Fifty dollars each? Twenty dollars? You risked your life for twenty dollars?
—Don Corleone chastising Sonny over an attempt at armed robbery, The Godfather
Live-Action TV
If you're going to launder money, Walt, at least do it right.
—Skyler White, Breaking Bad
So [Joffrey] wants me dead, fine, but his stupidity! He could have had me poisoned and no-one would have known! But the King orders the Kingsguard, to murder the Hand of the King, in full view of his own army... the boy's an idiot!
— Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.
The townspeople made a big pile of them out in front of the library and they threw a torch on top. Only Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch and turned to that crowd, and said, "What are you people doing? This is lunacy! You start a fire from the bottom!"
— Blanche Devereaux recalling a Book Burning incident in her hometown, The Golden Girls, "Stand by Your Man"
You know, if you're going to do something wrong... do it right.
Ten dollars? Girl, be corrupt but have some pride!
— Melissa on Bobby Flanagan's charge for working for Octavius Kratt, Schmigadoon!
Maeve: You're a low-down, son-of-a-bitch.
Hector: I know. I know we both believe the same thing... No matter how dirty the business, do it well.
Hector: I know. I know we both believe the same thing... No matter how dirty the business, do it well.
Humphrey: My job is to carry out government policy.
Jim: Even if you think it's wrong?
Humphrey: Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but frightfully well carried out.
Music
Be good or be good at it.
— Lil Wayne, "No Love"
Toys
I dislike a traitor, but I despise an incompetent one. So, if you ever harbor any ideas of betrayal... don't let me catch you.
— The Shadowed One to Vezok and Hakann, potential recruits to the Dark Hunters, BIONICLE
Video Games
I was at German prison camp only of sixteen years old when I realize I have love for science. German doctor, he make experiment. Sometime, he make scientific error. I tell him of this error, and this make him angry. But then he asks, "How can a child know such a thing?" I tell him, "Sometimes, I just know." He screams at me, "Then why tell me?" "Well," I said, "if you're going to do such things, at least you should do them properly."
— Brigid Tenenbaum, BioShock, "Love for Science" audiolog
Choose thy fate alone. Seize it with thine own hands. All the more, should thy fate entail such foul betrayal.
— Ludleth of Courland, Dark Souls III
La Plaga's response proved he did not understand that the most basic function of a drug trafficking organization is to make money. Killing innocent people does not help you. Just the opposite. It alienates the people you need most. It sends them into the arms of your enemies.
— El Sueño, Ghost Recon Wildlands
I got a shadow, huh? You stink! Back in my day, thieves knew how not to get caught!
— Don Octavio, Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves
Webcomics
Murai: I'd hoped it was the madness. This is horrible.
Digger: And inefficient! Man, a couple of pulleys here and there, and they could have halved their labor.
Digger: And inefficient! Man, a couple of pulleys here and there, and they could have halved their labor.
— Digger
Liquid Snake: [Scratch] decoded a message from Nano Jackal that spells out every last detail of Armstech's dirty laundry. [...] So I broke his neck.
Revolver Ocelot: Just like that?
Liquid: Oh, don't even start. You of all people oughta-
Ocelot: Whoa whoa! Let me finish. If you had to do it, you had to do it. Of course I'm with you there. But you've got to be thorough about this kind of thing. What about his partner?
Revolver Ocelot: Just like that?
Liquid: Oh, don't even start. You of all people oughta-
Ocelot: Whoa whoa! Let me finish. If you had to do it, you had to do it. Of course I'm with you there. But you've got to be thorough about this kind of thing. What about his partner?
Roko: It's good to see you two going legit. You have a lot of potential.
Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery.
Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robbwhy am I telling you this
Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery.
Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robbwhy am I telling you this
Pee Jee: Why not just do something half-assed? Seems like it would be easier.
Davan: Because any job worth doing is worth doing well.
Pee Jee: But the job is to make an awful play.
Davan: And I will deliver nothing but the finest, casket-aged failure possible.
Pee Jee: It'll be like a major American beer, but someone's proud to have made it.
Davan: Because any job worth doing is worth doing well.
Pee Jee: But the job is to make an awful play.
Davan: And I will deliver nothing but the finest, casket-aged failure possible.
Pee Jee: It'll be like a major American beer, but someone's proud to have made it.
Web Video
"Now, Big Q, the tools you have are... they're whatever, but... if you're gonna do this, Big Q, do it right."
— Sam to Quackity before passing him a pair of shears/pliers and his Warden's netherite sword and axe, Dream SMP
You prey on a prostitute and play with her body
I don't mind that you're naughty, Jack. I hate that you're sloppy
I don't mind that you're naughty, Jack. I hate that you're sloppy
It's sad that Konami turned evil. It's doubly sad that they're so fucking bad at it!
— Yahtzee Zero Punctuation on Contra: Rogue Corps
"And they have, like, four jokes, and then variations of them: "go outside, touch grass", "all of you fuck dogs or are gay", "another fatherless person" or "some family member is missing", and the "hunting license" one. Like, they are not creative. It's— it's like the right only having jokes about gender, like, there's no creativity here, man, step it up. If you're gonna try and be mean to me about being a furry, I want to laugh. I want you to blow me out of the water. I want the most creative, witty insult you can possibly come up with. Like, if— if you're gonna try and shit on me for being a furry, don't waste my time, y'know? Like, I'm already bored seeing "fatherless figure" for the ten thousandth time, it doesn't get to me. Try, man, you gotta try!"
Western Animation
Iroh: What are you doing?
Thief: I'm mugging you!
Iroh: With that stance?
Thief: What? What are you talking about!? Just give me your money, old man!
Iroh: With a poor stance, you are unbalanced and you can be easily knocked over... With a solid stance, you are a much more serious threat.
Thief: I'm mugging you!
Iroh: With that stance?
Thief: What? What are you talking about!? Just give me your money, old man!
Iroh: With a poor stance, you are unbalanced and you can be easily knocked over... With a solid stance, you are a much more serious threat.
You kids are nothing but trouble! Curse me kilts, have I missed trouble! I suppose I'll have to keep an eye on you to make sure you get into trouble properly.
— Scrooge McDuck, DuckTales
Professor: You overclocked Bender? What did I teach you about tinkering with machinery?!
Cubert: How. You taught me how.
Professor: I also taught you not to get caught!
Cubert: How. You taught me how.
Professor: I also taught you not to get caught!
—Futurama, "Overclockwise"
Eddy: Woohoo! Demolition derby, boys! Cool crash, huh Ed?
Ed: I've seen better, Eddy.
Eddy: What?
Ed: Look. The tractor is still intact, you could have done a lot more with the tree, and you hardly wrecked Kevin's fence. And the steering wheel should be rammed over your head like so.
Ed: I've seen better, Eddy.
Eddy: What?
Ed: Look. The tractor is still intact, you could have done a lot more with the tree, and you hardly wrecked Kevin's fence. And the steering wheel should be rammed over your head like so.
Bane: Joshua!
Joshua Cobblepot: Whaddup, Bane?
Bane: I just saw the statement from the Legion corporate card your uncle Penguin gave you. Did you put a down payment on a bounty to kill Harley Quinn?!
Joshua Cobblepot: W-what? No.
Bane: You are a lying liar!
Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, yes! She ruined my bar-mitzvah! I want her dead! Dead! Dead! DEAD!!
Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only! Your bill is all candy and vape-pens... and something suspiciously labeled "Dolphin Encounter." When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
Joshua Cobblepot: Whaddup, Bane?
Bane: I just saw the statement from the Legion corporate card your uncle Penguin gave you. Did you put a down payment on a bounty to kill Harley Quinn?!
Joshua Cobblepot: W-what? No.
Bane: You are a lying liar!
Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, yes! She ruined my bar-mitzvah! I want her dead! Dead! Dead! DEAD!!
Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only! Your bill is all candy and vape-pens... and something suspiciously labeled "Dolphin Encounter." When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
(As the Decepticons squabble instead of mowing down the defenseless Autobots...)
Rodimus Prime: We should have been molten by now. What's going on up there?
Ultra Magnus: Sloppiness. Disorganization. As I've tried to teach you, undisciplined thinking can make even the simplest task impossible!
Rodimus Prime: We should have been molten by now. What's going on up there?
Ultra Magnus: Sloppiness. Disorganization. As I've tried to teach you, undisciplined thinking can make even the simplest task impossible!
— The Transformers, "Five Faces of Darkness"
I can suffer your treachery, Lieutenant, but not your INCOMPETENCE! Treachery requires NO mistakes.
— Megatron to Tarantulas, Beast Wars
(After Bart has changed all the D-minuses on his report card to A-pluses)
Bart: Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Homer: 'A+'?! You don't think much of me, do you, boy?
Bart: No, sir.
Homer: You know a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy.
Bart: Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Homer: 'A+'?! You don't think much of me, do you, boy?
Bart: No, sir.
Homer: You know a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy.
— The Simpsons, "Kamp Krusty"
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.
Homer: Yeah, you do your own dirty work!
Homer: Yeah, you do your own dirty work!
— The Simpsons, "My Brother From Another Series"
Morty: Oh my god… wh-why would somebody do this? It’s horrible!
Rick Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put 'em in agonising pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a concept like this once.
[Morty glares in disgust]
Rick: On paper, Morty! On paper! I wouldn’t do this! It's barbaric! Overkill! I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.
[Morty glares again]
Rick: ...Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it’s bad craftsmanship.
Rick Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put 'em in agonising pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a concept like this once.
[Morty glares in disgust]
Rick: On paper, Morty! On paper! I wouldn’t do this! It's barbaric! Overkill! I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.
[Morty glares again]
Rick: ...Which I also wouldn't do! I'm just saying, it’s bad craftsmanship.
—Rick and Morty, "Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind"
Real Life
There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but at least try to do it properly.
— Cicero to his executioner, attributed
C'est pire qu'un crime, c'est une faute. ("It is worse than a crime, it is a mistake.")
— Unknown (either Antoine Boulay de la Meurthe or Joseph Fouché; not actually Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, though he undoubtedly agreed with the sentiment)
Shoot straight, you bastards! Don't make a mess of it!
—Harry "Breaker" Harbord Morant to the firing squad about to execute him, attributed
John Brown deserves to be hung for being a hopeless fool! He attempted to capture Virginia with seventeen men when he ought to know that it would require at least twenty-five.
