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Quotes / Deus Angst Machina

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Fan Works

Koizumi: Well, Suzumiya-san, there is some good news. We've discovered some interesting facts about the mystery.
Haruhi: Well, what are they?
Koizumi: Mostly, they have to deal with Hojo Satoko.
Haruhi: Oh. Well, tell away.
Kyon: Let's see...At its most basic level, Hojo Satoko has the entire town against her, her parents died, she was abused by her aunt and uncle, and her brother - who she cared for deeply - disappeared mysteriously last year.
Haruhi: ...really?
Kyon: Indeed.
Haruhi: I assume she was raped, too?
Kyon: I don't... think so.
Haruhi: Who told you that crap, anyway?
Asahina: It was that Rika girl, I think.
Haruhi: There you go. It was probably some sop story to get us to sympathize with Satoko.
Asahina: That's not very nice...
Haruhi: Well, Mikuru-chan, you have to use common sense and logic here. I wouldn't trust anyone outside of the SOS Brigade. You cannot forget about them being biased.
Kyon: And we also can't forget about being biased ourselves.
Haruhi: True. That's why we have to find clues! To poke holes in this conspiracy until it crashes down and explodes!
Koizumi: In any case, why don't you believe that Rika was telling the truth?
Haruhi: Well, I expect that the people in this town aren't completely innocent. Personally, I think that the focus of the events that will play out will focus on that group of six that we met at the school and competed against.
Kyon: And why is that?
Haruhi: They just have that 'main character' vibe, if you ask me. Anyway, I'm sure that they have some tragedy in their backstory - rape, abuse, Yakuza ties, missing parents, murder, et cetera. But having all that on one girl seems to be a bit of a deus angst machina, if you ask me.
Kyon: Well, why do they have to have that tragedy?
Haruhi: Because! They're the metaphorical cast for this murder-mystery! It's impossible for them not to have tragic backstories!
— The S.O.S. Bridgade discussing Satoko's past and her friends, The Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya

Vernon: Boy! I'm trying to come up with some new ways that I could make your life even more miserable than it already is, but I'm having a hard time with it. What do you think?
Harry: I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me.

Film — Animated

"It's not her fault. She's programmed with the most tragic backstory ever."
Corporal Kohut on Sergeant Calhoun, Wreck-It Ralph

Live-Action TV

Lily (crying): Something happened!
Vivian: Another something happened?!
Pushing Daisies, "Corpsicle"

Eleanor: Your parents are still together, I guess.
Real Eleanor/Vicky: Actually, I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents. They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me in a train station in Bangladesh. Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrop's.
Trevor: Ugh, thank God.
Real Eleanor/Vicky: But then they died when I was four. Bird flu. [...] Anyway, orphanage burned down, yada yada yada, made my way to America, yada yada yada, learned English from watching Seinfeld, put myself through law school, and here I am.
The Good Place, "...Someone Like Me as a Member"

Bitsy: So, where you from?
Phoebe: Well, originally I'm from upstate, but then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so I just moved to the city, where I actually lived in a burned out Buick Lesabre for a while. Which was okay, that was okay, until I got hepatitis cause this pimp spit in my mouth, but I got over it. Anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist, which isn't always steady money, but at least I don't pay taxes.

Video Games

You have sensed it. Even if you elect to preserve the world, if it does not align with God's will, it will be cast into destruction...Even if you choose not to preserve the world, it will lead inexorably down a path of self-destruction... Humans are but prisoners of God's expectations.
The White, Shin Megami Tensei IV, commenting on the Crapsack World nature of the Shin Megami Tensei series


Amber: You're saying that solely because you did some imaginary thing, my earlier life rewrote itself to force me through a history of domestic abuse and violent relocation.
Robin: Maybe.

Web Original

"Funky Winkerbean characters are beginning to rage against their sadistic God, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Seriously, wouldn’t you feel kind of weird as a comic artist drawing your characters begging their creator for mercy, only to encounter further arbitrary misery? I guess where Funky Winkerbean is concerned, you should replace 'feel kind of weird' with 'cackle with maniacal glee.'"

Chris: I’m gonna be honest with you, he doesn’t seem a lot like Lex Luthor to me at all. About as much as Clark is like Superman, really.
Chris: No kidding. They really go out of their way to make him an extremely sympathetic character. All of his evil from this point forward is predicated on the fact that if he DOESN’T do it, Lana has a miserable death on Christmas Day.
Smallvillains on Smallville ("Lexmas")

Chloe literally does a complete 360 in this scene and tells Clark to lemming himself. Bwah? Watching this exchange again I couldn't stop giggling as I pictured Clark as a suicidal jumper and Chloe as the talking down point person.

Clark: Um, you know what; I might not actually be as depressed as I thought I was. I think I might just come back inside.
Chloe: Have you thought that through, Clark? You know all your problems will still be there when you come inside, shouldn't you know? (Makes swooshing hand gesture)
Clark: Uh, no, you know, I think the fresh air was just what I needed so if you could...
Chloe: JUST JUMP WOULD YOU?! My (expletive deleted) contract is up for negotiations!
Clark: Yarghhhhh! (Clark "falls" off the building and looks somewhat like Jesus)
Julian Finn on Smallville, "Salvation"

"When the Doctor brought up the nature of an extended life and losing the ones you love in School Reunion it was a razor sharp observation fresh off the press, now it feels like we are obsessing about the same anxieties with each successive incarnation. Like a gossip mag consumed by the same celebrities each week, what was hot news has become yesterday's business."

"People can only relate so much to bad days that involve abductions, lawsuits, and promiscuous roommates. Like football team that gets blown out for nine straight games, it eventually loses its impact."
Jack Fisher reviewing Batgirl #32 here

"You see, if you were a Marvel super hero, your life would have to be interesting enough to keep at least 100,000 readers transfixed every month. And if your life wasn't interesting enough, you can bet that Mr. Editor and Mr. Writer would make sure it got real interesting, real fast."
- Marvel Year In Review 1993

Real Life

Hamlet covered in snot. He just walks around feeling sorry for himself. That’s understandable, I mean I would too, but everybody knows that his quest to regain his lost humanity, that’s never going to happen. Because as soon as he does that, the book finishes."


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