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Quotes / Deadpool

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Deadpool isn't called the Merc with a Mouth for nothing! He has a lot to say in his comic books and video games, and a lot is said about him and in them.

Other Deadpool Quotes pages

Deadpool comic books

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    Quotes from Deadpool comic books 
Blind Al: The hero gig might not be so bad, and besides— when was the last time you wasted someone and felt good about it? Maybe it's time for a change—
Deadpool: Uggg... Me, a nice guy? What do I do then? Change my name to kiddie pool and start a water park? I don't think so. They want some sort of 'super-schmoe' to usher in a new age... they ought to go to Kansas! You know my motto—
Blind Al: 'Go procreate in isolation'?
Deadpool: That's the one.
Deadpool vol. 1 #2

"I can't make it through the night without jumping out of bed with a cold sweat drenching my body, the antiseptic stench of the Workshop in my nose, the noise of that machine grinding in my ears — I have to bite the inside of my mouth to make sure I'm in the present... and not back there... Do you remember!? Do you remember what you did to my teeth?"
Deadpool, Deadpool vol. 1 #3

Dr. Killebrew: B-but... the treatment... your health... I've saved you—
Deadpool: No. You just put your broken monster back together again. You've prolonged a life you ruined back in Weapon X. I wouldn't exactly call that a big save, doc.
Deadpool vol. 1 #5

Weasel: [thought bubble] I think Deadpool's really got trouble this time, and it's my solemn duty as his weapon's man.. his confidant... his bestest bud... to warn him... no matter what the danger... regardless of the cost. 'Cause if I don't...
Weasel: [dramatically standing to shout] ... I won't get paid!
Deadpool vol. 1 #7

Deadpool: Don't you realize that I'm trying to help you here?! [punching] Trying to help you get it together?!
Typhoid Mary: Nice moves, baby.. Where'd you learn that one? Fightin' alongside the Avengers, hero? Or was it the FF? Face it, hon, you're trying out for the wrong team... only thing you got in common with the word hero is a few vowels. You're not a good boy... not underneath... not anywhere... You're just like me. A broken, crazy, beautiful killer. Your little girlfriend was wrong—
Deadpool: [smashing her into beer bottles] Shut your mouth! You picked the wrong buttons to push, lady.
Typhoid Mary: Hero.
Deadpool: [smashing her onto the bar] Stop calling me that!
Typhoid Mary: Why? That what you are... a good guy, right... hero?
Deadpool: [between punches] Stop — calling mehero!
Deadpool vol. 1 #8

Deadpool: I need work, Patch, but not the run-of-the-mill assassination, extortion, and kidnapping gigs... I need a change of pace... heroic work for someone of my pure heart and altruistic nature!
Patch: Geez, 'Pool, you okay? You ain't been experimenting with' Pop Rocks an' Mountain Dew again, have you?
Deadpool: No, good citizen!
Deadpool vol. 1 #9

Deadpool: [riding in a Humvee with Weasel] Whoo-hee! Almost enough to make a body wanna go redneck, don't ya think, Weaz? All we need is a gun rack, a few jugs of moonshine an' a couple of daisy duke cut-offs, and we could have ourselves one heck of a hootenanny! How 'bout after we find Terry, we put some fishtails on this bad-boy, strip a jet engine on the back and call it the Deadmobile... then we could dress you up in a domino mask and speedos and call you Pool-Boy...
Weasel: No thanks... Spandex makes my butt look big.
Deadpool: Now, now, Weasel! You're a perfect candidate for a nice snug thong! Hey, screwheads! Don't you think our boy'd look great as a crime-fighting underwear model?
Gagged soldiers: Mmglf!
Deadpool: Oh, yeah, I forgot... You boys are bound to that military thing. Don't ask, don't tell, right? [sigh] I bet John Wayne's rolling over in his grave...
Deadpool vol. 1 #12

"Yay, now is fighty time, fighty time, blood blood blood!"
Deadpool, Deadpool vol. 1 #27

"You ever see that old cartoon with the squirrel who's trying to eat a coconut? Chuck Jones, I think... this retarded squirrel finds this coconut and thinks that he's hit the giant acorn motherload— only, he can't crack the nut. It's too hard. So he gets a jackhammer, he throws it down stairs, runs it over with a truck... nothing. Finally, he pushes this monster up a gazillion stairs all the way to the top of the Empire State Building, and heaves it. Crack. Slowly, the shell peels back... and you know what's inside? Another coconut shell. That squirrel is in cartoon hell. That squirrel is me. Every time I get a shot at saving the world, or doing right or waving the truth and justice flag instead of gutting a guy, I do it... and every time, I get the shaft for my trouble. Everytime, there's another coconut shell I gotta crack. But just like that retarded squirrel... in another month or so, the cartoon reruns, and I try again. You did mess up my head by showing me what a dirtbag I've been in my lifetime... but that doesn't change the fact that I still try to be better. I'm giving it a shot. At the end of the day, I'm winning— and I wouldn't have things any different."
Deadpool, Deadpool vol. 1 #33

"You think I do this [kill people] for money?! I've been gettin' paid for high-end jobs since... forever. Have you ever seen me spend any of it? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I have more money than you, at this point. No, Norman... I stopped doing this for money a long time ago. I do it because it's fun."
Bullseye, Deadpool vol. 2 #12

"Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them dies. Look out! There goes the Deadpool-Man!"
Deadpool, Deadpool vol. 3 #6

Deadpool: [clinging to the "Superior Spider-Man's" back to wall-climb] You know, if the internet could see the two of us like this it would have fits.
Superior Spider-Man: What are you prattling on about?
Deadpool: I guess we go to different websites. You should try googling yourself.
Deadpool vol. 3 #10

Deadpool: [to Doctor Octopus, the "Superior Spider-Man"] Hey, Spidey—I've always wondered: who do you think is the lamest villain you fight? I'll concede I'm pretty much my own worst enemy. Plus, I fought a cow once. But you! Your rogue's gallery is the worst! The Vulture looks like Larry David bitten by a radioactive parakeet. The Rhino is ridiculous. You can't take a guy that's glued into an extinct creature seriously.
Batroc the Leaper: Beware Batroc, the Leaper!
Deadpool: Oops, hang on a sec—But the worst must have been Doc Ock.
The Superior Spider-Man: No! You have it all wrong! The doctor was my most formidable foe!
Deadpool: Gimme a break. He looked like Elton John on stilts. He was a one-man, fat guy cirque du souffle. I'm just amazed you didn't strangle him with one of his stupid arms years ago. When Doc Ock died was he embalmed with formalde-wide? Were his services held at the House of Pies? In lieu of flowers, the family of Dr. Octavius asks you to send pancakes.
Deadpool vol. 3 #10

    Quotes by Deadpool in other comic books 
"Oh, I've missed you, little yellow boxes! What fun we shall have together."
Deadpool, Agent X #15

"It's like I said, B.P., there's a rhythm to these super hero team-ups. First, the small misunderstanding. Then, the big fight (which was a tie by the way). So you'd better patch me up quick. Because we both know what happens in issue #3."
Deadpool, Black Panther vs. Deadpool #2

"I've got all these new abilities, and — for the moment — I'm feeling an incredible sense of responsibility... and the desire to commit acts of great violence! My super hero origin is complete!"
Deadpool, Deadpool: Back in Black #2

"Come on! Someone has to die for real! I mean, what is this, a Marvel Comic?!"
Deadpool, Deadpool vs. Thanos #2

"Comics solve every problem!"

Wolverine: You know what your problem is, Deadpool? Ya never learned to take anything seriously!
Deadpool: Is that my problem? I thought my problem was that I was crazy.
Wolverine: Origins #22

    Deadpool in video games 

"How did anyone ever enjoy these games without me in 'em?"
Deadpool, Marvel vs. Capcom 3

"I need help! And a pony!"

"Da-dada! And the winner is: You! The Player! Yeah, you."