Deadpool isn't called the Merc with a Mouth for nothing! He has a lot to say in his comic books and video games, and a lot is said about him and in them.
gig might not be so bad, and besides— when was the last time you wasted someone and felt good about it? Maybe it's time for a change— Deadpool:
Uggg... Me, a nice guy? What do I do then? Change my name to kiddie pool
and start a water park
? I don't think so. They want some sort of 'super-schmoe'
to usher in a new age... they ought to go to Kansas!
You know my motto— Blind Al:
'Go procreate in isolation'? Deadpool:
That's the one.
"I can't make it through the
night without jumping out of bed with a cold sweat
drenching my body, the antiseptic
stench of the Workshop in my nose, the
noise of that
machine grinding in my ears — I have to
bite the inside of my mouth to make sure I'm in the
present... and not back
there... Do you remember!? Do you remember what you did to my
B-but... the treatment... your health... I've saved
No. You just put your broken monster
back together again. You've prolonged a life you ruined
back in Weapon X. I wouldn't exactly call that a big save,
Weasel: [thought bubble]
I think Deadpool's really got trouble this time, and it's my solemn duty
as his weapon's man.. his confidant
... his bestest bud
... to warn him... no matter what the danger
... regardless of the cost
. 'Cause if I don't... Weasel: [dramatically standing to shout]
... I won't get paid!
Don't you realize that I'm trying to help
you here?! [punching
] Trying to help you get it together
?! Typhoid Mary:
, baby.. Where'd you learn that one? Fightin' alongside the Avengers
, hero? Or was it the FF? Face it, hon, you're trying out for the wrong team
... only thing you got in common with the word hero
is a few vowels
. You're not
a good boy
... not underneath
... not anywhere
... You're just like me. A broken, crazy, beautiful killer
. Your little girlfriend
was wrong— Deadpool: [smashing her into beer bottles] Shut your mouth!
You picked the wrong buttons to push, lady. Typhoid Mary:
Hero. Deadpool: [smashing her onto the bar]
Stop calling me that! Typhoid Mary:
Why? That what you are... a good guy
, right... hero
? Deadpool: [between punches]
Stop — calling me
I need work
, Patch, but not the run-of-the-mill assassination
, extortion, and kidnapping gigs... I need a change of pace
... heroic work for someone of my pure heart
Geez, 'Pool, you okay?
You ain't been experimenting with' Pop Rocks
an' Mountain Dew
again, have you? Deadpool:
No, good citizen!
Deadpool: [riding in a Humvee with Weasel] Whoo-hee!
Almost enough to make a body wanna go redneck
, don't ya think, Weaz?
All we need is a gun rack
, a few jugs of moonshine
an' a couple of daisy duke cut-offs
, and we could have ourselves one heck of a hootenanny!
How 'bout after we find Terry
, we put some fishtails
on this bad-boy
, strip a jet engine
on the back and call it the Deadmobile
... then we could dress you
up in a domino mask
and call you Pool-Boy
No thanks... Spandex makes my butt look big
Now, now, Weasel!
You're a perfect
candidate for a nice snug thong!
Hey, screwheads! Don't you think our boy'd look great as a crime-fighting underwear
model? Gagged soldiers:
Oh, yeah, I forgot... You boys are bound to that military
thing. Don't ask
, don't tell
, right? [sigh] I bet John Wayne's rolling over in his grave...
"Yay, now is
fighty time, blood blood
"You ever see that old cartoon with the squirrel who's trying to eat a coconut? Chuck Jones, I think... this retarded squirrel finds this coconut and thinks that he's hit the giant acorn motherload— only, he can't crack the nut. It's too hard. So he gets a jackhammer, he throws it down stairs, runs it over with a truck... nothing. Finally, he pushes this monster up a gazillion stairs all the way to the top of the Empire State Building, and heaves it. Crack. Slowly, the shell peels back... and you know what's inside? Another coconut shell. That squirrel is in cartoon hell. That squirrel is me. Every time I get a shot at saving the world, or doing right or waving the truth and justice flag instead of gutting a guy, I do it... and every time, I get the shaft for my trouble. Everytime, there's another coconut shell I gotta crack. But just like that retarded squirrel... in another month or so, the cartoon reruns, and I try again. You did mess up my head by showing me what a dirtbag I've been in my lifetime... but that doesn't change the fact that I still try to be better. I'm giving it a shot. At the end of the day, I'm winning— and I wouldn't have things any different." "You think I do this [kill people] for money?! I've been gettin' paid for high-end jobs since... forever. Have you ever seen me spend any of it? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I have more money than you, at this point. No, Norman... I stopped doing this for money a long time ago. I do it because it's fun." "Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them dies. Look out! There goes the Deadpool-Man!" Deadpool: [clinging to the "Superior Spider-Man's" back to wall-climb]
You know, if the internet could see the two of us like this
it would have fits. Superior Spider-Man:
What are you prattling on about? Deadpool:
I guess we go to different websites. You should try googling
Deadpool: [to Doctor Octopus, the "Superior Spider-Man"]
Hey, Spidey—I've always wondered: who do you think is the lamest
villain you fight? I'll concede I'm pretty much my own worst enemy. Plus, I fought a cow
once. But you!
Your rogue's gallery is the worst!
The Vulture looks like Larry David bitten by a radioactive parakeet. The Rhino is ridiculous. You can't take a guy that's glued into an extinct creature seriously. Batroc the Leaper:
the Leaper! Deadpool:
Oops, hang on a sec—But the worst
must have been Doc Ock. The Superior Spider-Man:
No! You have it all wrong! The doctor was my most formidable
Gimme a break. He looked like Elton John
. He was a one-man, fat guy cirque du souffle
. I'm just amazed you didn't strangle him with one of his stupid
arms years ago. When Doc Ock died was he embalmed with formalde-wide
? Were his services held at the House of Pies? In lieu of flowers, the family of Dr. Octavius asks you to send pancakes
Peter! Hey! I was just running around my game and I noticed that some shit was fucked up! What's up with that? Peter Della Penna:
I warned you about the budget, Deadpool! You literally blew all the money! Deadpool:
Wait, budget? What the hell, man? Peter:
Yes. You do realise all games have budgets? Deadpool:
Peter, sweet-heart, bubala. Let me remind you that my website got 15 million
hits the weekend we announced! Deadpool: [cut to Deadpool sitting at a computer]
One million one, one million two...
: Hmmm...how much C4 is this gonna take? Inner voice 1
: No more than 20 ounces. Inner voice 2
: What?! I hate the metric system! How much in American
?! Inner voice 1
: Well let's see, uh...carry the seven... Deadpool
: Dude, fuck math! Just use all of it!
"How did anyone ever enjoy these games without me in 'em?" "I need help! And a pony!" "Da-dada! And the winner is: You! The Player! Yeah, you."