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Quotes / Dead Like Me

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I'm going to tell you a story. Not my story, that's later... This is just a story... ready?
Once upon a time, (or more specifically at the dawn of time), god—lower case "g"—was getting busy with creation, as the kids these days are saying. He gave Toad a clay jar and said,
"Be careful with this. It's got death inside."
Pleased as punch and oblivious to the fact that he was about to become god's fall guy on the whole death issue, Toad promised to guard the jar. Then one day Toad met Frog.
"Let me hold the jar of death, or whatever you call it," Frog begged. With a nod to Nancy Reagan's pearls of wisdom, Toad just said 'no'. But Frog was determined, and after much whining, Toad finally gave in.
"You can hold it, but only for a second," he said.
In his excitement, Frog began to hop around and juggle the death jar from one foot to the other.
Frog... was an asshole.
George (narration), S1E1: Pilot

Joy: Eighteen years of coddling is enough for you, young lady. [gathers clothes for George] If you think you're gonna spend the rest of your life suckling off my retirement fund, you've got another thing coming. [lays outfit down, piece by piece] You will get up, and go to work. You will collect a paycheck, and move out of this house....Understood?
George: Those are funeral clothes.
Joy: There's gonna be a funeral, if you don't get your ass outta bed!
George (narration): Those are the last words my mother will ever say to me.
— S1E1: Pilot

Rube: Well, you really fucked the dog, peanut.
George: What?
Rube: "What?" You had an appointment.
George: I didn't make an appointment.
Roxy: Beat her.
Rube: It doesn't matter who made it. You had an appointment.
George: Correct me if I'm wrong, but, mission accomplished...?
Rube: You're wrong. That was me correcting you.
George: I'm confused.
Roxy: He's still in there, you silly bitch!
— S1E2: "Dead Girl Walking"

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