As a boy, trying to write 200 words on "The Intent of the Monroe Doctrine" in Mr. Fossum's class: "The Monroe Doctrine is, without a doubt, one of the most important and famous historical doctrines ever to be set forth in doctrine form. And yet, by the same token, we must ask ourselves: Why? What is the quality that sets this particular doctrine - the Monroe Doctrine - apart from all the others? There can be no question that the answer to this question is: The intent. For when we truly understand the intent of a doctrine such as the Monroe Doctrine, or for that matter any other doctrine, only then can we truly know exactly what that doctrine was intended to accomplish as far as doctrinal intention is concerned. This has been an issue of great significance to historians and human beings alike throughout the distinguished history of this great country that we call, simply, 'the United States of America,' a country that has produced more than its share of famous doctrines and great heroes and, yes, educators of the caliber of Mr. Fossum, doing such a superb job of preparing the young people of tomorrow for the day when we, as a society and yet by the same token also as a nation, finally reach 200 words."
— Dave Barry, "Don't Know Much About History" (for the actual intent of the Monroe Doctrine, see below)
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Flugtag (pronounced "floog tog") is sponsored by Red Bull brand extreme energy beverage, which tastes the way Limp Bizkit sounds. I tried one, and it gave me a refreshing lift. I hope to be able to sleep again by Halloween.
—Dave Barry, Duct Tape Daredevils
Now, when I'm not using my phone's cell-phone feature (Hello? Hello? Hello?) I can use the camera feature to record precious moments that I can share with others. (Here's a picture of my daughter's ballet recital. Or, the Grand Canyon. ) And thanks to my phone's e-mail feature, even when I'm away from my computer, I can receive the hundreds of urgent messages I receive every day from people wishing to enhance my manhood.
—Dave Barry, Non-Stop Shopping
An alert Missouri reader sent in a newsletter from Rocky Mountain National Park containing this tip for visitors: "Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger."
—Dave Barry, The Epitome of Wordliness
TODAY'S WRITING TIP FOR JOB-SEEKERS: When writing a résumé, be sure to use "power words" to describe your accomplishments and skills:
WRONG: "I supervised a team of 15 data-entry clerks."
RIGHT: "I can snap your spine like a toothpick."
—Dave Barry, The Epitome of Wordliness
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
—Dave Barry, Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
—Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
During my visit, roughly once every four minutes a North Dakotan would remind me, in a nice way, that they have hardly any crime up there, in stark contrast to my city, Miami, where, as the North Dakotans understand it, you can't hear yourself think for all the machine-gun fire. But I can't argue with them: It does feel very safe up there, and everybody does seem to get along, even though the population is quite diverse, ranging all the way from people whose ancestors immigrated from Norway, to people whose ancestors immigrated from a different part of Norway.
—Dave Barry, Idling in the Grand Cities
Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.
Or, he can give them food either way. It doesn't matter. The main thing is, we never let them off the island.
Or, he can give them food either way. It doesn't matter. The main thing is, we never let them off the island.
—Dave Barry, Want a little something EGTRRA
But when it came to eloquence, George Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
Hart was clearly the most attractive candidate, the only one with even a remote chance of beating Ronald Reagan, so naturally the Democrats selected: Walter Mondale. When Mondale accepted the nomination, he wooed the voter by informing them...that if they elected him as president, his first move would be to jack up their income taxes. Walter you sweet talker!
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
1. Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
2. But we are.
3. Ha-ha-ha.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States
Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!" they'd yell.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need
U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
The Wolverettes are my daughter's soccer team. They're all 4 years old, and they're all girls. They've been practicing under their coach, Susanna. They're learning the fundamentals of soccer, which are:
1. You're supposed to kick the ball.
2. You're not supposed to pick up the ball.
3. Even if you really really want to pick up the ball, you're not supposed to.
4. If you have to go potty, try to wait for a water break instead of just trotting off the field.
5. It can be hard to remember this sometimes, but DON'T PICK UP THE BALL, OK?
—Dave Barry, Kicking and hugging
We were dining recently with Mrs. Language Person at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Fla., and the menu listed the following item, which we are not making up: "Chef's Daily Inspiration of Soup." When the waiter came around, we asked him: "What is the Chef's Daily Inspiration of Soup?" And he answered, quote: "It's the soup of the day."
—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh
Q. I would like to use the word synergy more often. What does it mean?
A. Synergy is one of the key words used by business professionals to indicate that they have no clue as to what business they are actually in. ("The Harbingle Organization: A Paradigm of Synergy")
—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh
Ed Lacy reports that he saw a sign in the men's room of an Office Depot that said: "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH YOUR HANDS." (Ed writes: "I waited 15 minutes for someone to wash my hands." )
—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh
John Noren sent an informational document from the Internal Revenue Service containing this statement: "The definition of a child living at home is a child who lives at home."
—Dave Barry, Ask Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh
It is a great honor to march in an inauguration parade. So when a group I belong to called the World Famous Lawn Rangers of Amazing Arcola was selected to march at Barack Obama's inauguration, our reaction, as Americans, was: "The organizers of this parade must be smoking crack."
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit
We are an extremely random group of middle-age guys who carry brooms and push specially decorated show lawn mowers, which we use to perform synchronized broom-and-lawn mower maneuvers that always get a big crowd reaction (usually: "Huh?"). As you can imagine these performances require intense mental preparation, by which I mean beer.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit
Rangers will march in pretty much any parade that will have them. In 2003, when they marched in the St. Patrick's Day parade in Chicago, they encountered Barack Obama, then running for the U.S. Senate. Obama picked up a toilet plunger — in addition to brooms, senior Rangers carry plungers, symbolizing authority — and brandished it over his head. A photograph was taken of this moment, although at the time nobody realized it was historic.
—Dave Barry, Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit
Speaking of the National Pastime, in October the Boston Red Sox, ending an eighty-six-year drought, defeat the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series, defying exit polls that had overwhelmingly picked the Green Bay Packers. The Red Sox get into the Series thanks to the fact that the New York Yankees-who were leading the American League championships three games to none, and have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll larger than the gross national product of Sweden-chose that particular time to execute the most spectacular choke in all of sports history, an unbelievable gag-o-rama, a noxious nosedive, a pathetic gut-check of a failure of such epic dimensions that every thinking human outside of the New York metropolitan area experienced a near-orgasmic level of happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.
—Dave Barry (who is not a fan of the Yankees), Dave Barry's History of the Millenium (so far), October 2004
No humor column today. I don't want to write it and you don't want to read it.
—Dave Barry, Just for Being Americans (his September 13, 2001 column)
