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Quotes / Conspiracy Theories

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Conspiracy theories are headcanon for real life.

Live-Action TV

It is a vast conspiracy. And the total lack of evidence is all the evidence I need.

These people love the truth, they just hate facts.
Bill Maher, on Obama "Birthers".

Being skeptical is good but looking at this (9/11) and having your first thoughts be, "This is a hoax staged by the government," well that takes a special kind of asshole...the lives lost on September 11 is something that we should never forget. But to conspiracy nuts, death and suffering are just heart pounding entertainment. They whack to tragedy.
Penn Jillet, on...well, on bullshit conspiracy theories.

Nobody can convince me that our President did not hire Saudi nationals with Saudi passports to come to our country and fly planes into those buildings just to give him a mandate to invade Iraq like he planned.
Anonymous conspiracy theorist on P&T


Given the three possibilities — robot pilots of real airliners, fake airliners, and the official story — what convinced you that robot pilots was the true version?
— "The second question to ask conspiracy theorists" from the Skeptoid podcast.


Conspiracy theories represent a known glitch in human reasoning. The theories are of course occasionally true, but their truth is completely uncorrelated with the believer's certainty. For some reason, sometimes when people think they've uncovered a lie, they raise confirmation bias to an art form. They cut context away from facts and arguments and assemble them into reassuring litanies. And over and over I've argued helplessly with smart people consumed by theories they were sure were irrefutable, theories that in the end proved complete fictions.
xkcd, here
Web Original

Watching this video is like being bukakked with stupid.

Having spent years building up my left-wing credibility on behalf of my paymasters in MI5, I’ve blown it. I overplayed my hand, and have been exposed, like Bush and Cheney, by a bunch of kids with laptops. My handlers are furious.
George Monbiot, "Bayoneting a Scarecrow"

I heard tall tales about how doctors got paid premiums to vaccinate our children, and that the medical community is purposely poisoning everyone for every reason under the sun, including population control, money, and even just “because they’re evil.”
Maranda Dynda former anti-vaxxer

Do I really need to go into the politics? It is some of the most inane, delusional, contradictory nonsense ever spewed out on screen. It’s bad when I’m a liberal and you are making me want to vote for Nixon. Basically the evil “government” is responsible for all evils in the world short of throwing babies in a woodchipper (and that’s only because we don’t know about it yet due to the government keeping it hush hush).
Miles Antwiler on The Trial of Billy Jack

Joe McCarthy was probably himself a commie portraying a specific role and task on the way towards communizing this country. It was probably a deliberate misdirection ploy to misdirect the public's attention to later subtle communization tactics.

Human beings fill in blanks with imagination, and when faced with superior force those blanks are invariably painted black.

I suspect that if NASA had claimed that we traveled to the moon based on technology that was secretly left behind by the ancient astronauts, no one would have doubted the landing.
Susan Grigsby, "Eureka! My earthshaking new study reveals the root cause of the profoundly stupid"

A truther is a rabid devotee of horseshit—someone who can take any imperfection in a tragic narrative and construct an iron mountain of garbage from it. And they'll probably end up dooming us all.
Drew Magary, "A Field Guide to American Truthers"

...there’s also just a latent mistrust for the governmental structures, which is especially true in my city, which has been in the throes of institutionalized racism and economic collapse for a very long time. But most conspiracy theorists I’ve interacted with are not victims to that as they seem to come from a certain level of comfort. I think that comfort caters to conspiracy because they’re comfortable enough to think about things and realize how fucked up they are, but instead of recognizing real causes they create an impossibly malicious master plan to explain it all.
Gabriella Garcia, "I hid Illuminati graphics in news broadcasts because I was bored"

If you were to believe everything you read on the Internet, you'd think that every celebrity is an ambulatory heap of fake body parts mind-controlled by President Obama, who is a shapeshifting reptoid from a faraway star system (plus, having an affair with Beyoncé)."

Any misplaced pixel on a photo is proof of Photoshop, any misspoken word in a news report is evidence of a cover-up... one guy posts that the Sandy Hook massacre was done by the same squad that 'began their evil twisted careers with the faked death and witness protection escape for Elvis,' and no one disagrees with him.

The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.

A more likely theory is that, given the number of flowers thrown at her hearse during the funeral, Diana was murdered by florists who wanted to boost sales.
Rational Wiki on Diana of Wales

Web Video

"Why do you hide the fact that you are a Freemason whose mission is to get people as far away from God as possible? You know God exists and Christianity is the truth, which is why you always talk against Christianity. You are one of the many antichrists, you satanic dog. Hell is awaiting you, you little Masonic cunt."

"If you're ready to question everything you've been told about society, why not question everything you've been told by conspiracy theories too?"

Western Animation

"Humans just live short, boring, insignificant lives, so they make up stories to feel like they're part of something bigger. They want to blame all the world's problems on a single enemy they can fight, instead of a complex network of interrelated forces beyond anyone's control."
Pearl on Ronaldo, Steven Universe, "Keep Beach City Weird"

Real Life

I am sure that the power of vested interests is vastly exaggerated compared with the gradual encroachment of ideas.
John Maynard Keynes

The main thing that I learned about conspiracy theory, is that conspiracy theorists believe in a conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is actually chaotic. The truth is that it is not The Iluminati, or The Jewish Banking Conspiracy, or the Gray Alien Theory. The truth is far more frightening. Nobody is in control. The world is rudderless...

The appeal of conspiracism is threefold. First, conspiracy theories claim to explain what others can’t. They appear to make sense out of a world that is otherwise confusing. Second, they do so in an appealingly simple way, by dividing the world sharply between the forces of light and the forces of darkness. They trace all evil back to a single source, the conspirators and their agents. Finally, conspiracy theories are often presented as special, secret knowledge unknown or unappreciated by others. For conspiracists, the masses are a brainwashed herd, while the conspiracists in the know can congratulate themselves on penetrating the plotters’ deceptions.
Michael Barkun, author

Built into the internet is a system for creating cults. So, for example, if I had a blog, which I don't, and I put up something which is a slightly novel and maybe somewhat objectionable interpretation of an event—the Bush administration is trying to poison the water in Boston or something, to pick at random—tomorrow somebody else would say, 'That's right, but it's worse than you think', and pretty soon you would develop a cult of people proving that the Bush administration is trying to poison the world's water. It's extremely easy to get caught up in that kind of cultlike behavior, which has a cocoon property not similar to other religious cults, immune to evidence, immune to argument.
Noam Chomsky, 2007

All of this is pure bunk and is no more important than the fact that my first, middle, and last name all have 6 letters.
George Lauren, IBM programmer and avatar of The Dark One

It is a natural propensity to attribute misfortune to someone's malignity.
Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays

I never knew anyone that examined and deliberated about nonsense who did not believe it before the end of his enquiries.
David Hume

It is ironic that a nation which had never experienced a coup d'état should be so obsessed with the idea of conspiracy.
Gore Vidal, "Paranoid Politics"

Reading it is like trying to push a penny with one's nose through molten fudge.
Walter Pforzheimer on L. Fletcher Prouty's The Secret Team (1973)

The invasion transformed the country. Reality was replaced with a wild and self-serving fiction, a legitimization of the worst prejudices of the masses and paranoia of the outside world. The secret interior world arrayed against Argentina became one of strange cabals, worldwide Jewry trotted out again to be beaten like a dead horse, vast subterranean webs that had as their focus the destruction of the Argentine people.
Chris Hedges on The Falklands War, War is a Force That Gives Us Meaning

Side by side with the official mythology of a beleaguered government threatened by riots, demonstrations, and unmotivated, irrational assassinations of public figures, a popular mythology has taken shape in the last thirty years that sees government as a conspiracy against the people themselves.
Christopher Lasch, The Life of Kennedy’s Death

In 1966, 36% of the respondents in a Gallup poll believed that Oswald acted alone. The percent was 11% in both the 1976 and 1983 Gallup polls and 13% in a 1988 CBS poll. This increase in belief in the conspiracy has taken place despite the fact that the accumulation of evidence has increasingly supported the lone assassin theory.
Ted Goertzel, Belief in Conspiracy Theories


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