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Quotes / Conspiracy Kitchen Sink

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Nobody knows my true identity
For all we know, I'm John F. Kennedy's
Love-child with Nosferatu
We can't know, but still we've got to
Nobody knows how deep the mystery goes
But ancient caveman history shows
We're all descended from
The same evil alien slime
Lemon Demon, "Telekinesis"

So, to wrap things up, there’s only one conclusion one can draw from all this top quality research. TV’s Jimmy Savile is an immortal energy vampire who’s been active since the beginning of time under a multitude of names, from Vlad the Impaler to the Knights Templar. Sometime in the sixties, he was summoned to our time in a ceremony by Mick Jagger and the Beatles, using the arcane, Satanic wisdom of Aleister Crowley, from where he procured children for the elite, via the Leeds Hell Mouth, which acted as an energy portal for the Jewish, Masonic vampires that enslave our world. It’s pretty obvious when you look at the facts.
Stuart Millard, "Jimmy Saville and David Icke - All the Pieces Matter"

Green Arrow: Does everything have a sinister motive in your world?
The Question: Yours too; you just don't know it.
Justice League, "Fearful Symmetry"

Bart: So, finally, we’re all in agreement about what’s going on with the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: Ahem. OK, here’s what we've got: the Rand Corporation — in conjunction with the saucer people — under the supervision of the reverse vampires — are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We’re through the looking glass, here, people...
The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

The Last Battalion is an elite unit which helped the Fuhrer escape in secret! An insane army with cutting-edge technology and a powerful relic which absorbed Christ's blood, bent on enacting the Fuhrer's grudge! It's all in this book... Everything they're doing is in accordance with the Oracle of Maia in the In Lak'ech! The Oracle of Maia was left to us by the Pleiades aliens who gifted mankind with civilization... It's a message entrusted to us by the Maians! Did you really think we evolved from apes on our own!? The answers aren't in history books! How did man come so far, so fast!? There's evidence all over the world of their presence in ancient times! It proves that mankind was guided by an ancient race! ...Underneath the netherworld is where the Maians sleep... The starship Xibalba is here! All sorts of civilizations originated there... But the ancient Maians that thrived here died during an intergalactic civil war... The victors were the Bolontiku race that controls Xibalba... When the Bolontiku thoughtforms take physical bodies, they will bring destruction to us all! That's why we can't go public with this!
Maya Okamura, Persona 2: Innocent Sin note 

Deb, listen to me Deb. They're at it again and people have got to know. They've got to know because they don't know; they won't report this stuff on the news because they own the news! Conspiracy? This goes beyond conspiracy, okay? There is no word for something as devious and secret as this, you understand? People need to hear this; they need to know the real story! Alright, as we all know the Americans established a Moon base back in the late seventies, that's no secret. But what most people don't know is that they have been conducting a dig. Not for resources, but for artifacts. Well, it's no coincidence that the Chinese have started conducting space missions. You know why? I'll tell you why. The reason is because the Chinese are trying to stop the Americans from finding an ancient space probe send by the Beta-Centaurians. And why? Because the Beta-Centaurians are giving space technology to the Chinese to get back at the Andromedans - a.k.a. The Greys - for giving space technology to the Americans in The '50s. The American government's been putting more money into space. Don't you see what's happening? I can't believe I'm the only one that's figured it out! Am I the only person alive that can see what's going on? It's because the Andromedans and the Betas are going to be fighting their war in this galaxy through us, Deb. And the American people, the people of Earth, you people, cannot let this happen! It's Mu versus Atlantis all over again!

Deb. I'm about to reveal something that... I'm putting my life on the line. But the people, the people of this city and this country and this planet, they have the right to know this, do you understand? This is serious. There are a lot of organizations who would do anything in their power to keep this a secret. Deb, Deb, this is really serious now, can I finish? All right. Everyone knows they've got cameras at every stoplight so the government can keep tabs on our comings and goings. But did you know that they then sold access to their data bases to The Illuminati, who has been using that information to compile a list of the most frequently traveled routes and then opening new locations of their well-known chain of coffee houses in the most profitable locations? And did you also know that they use those funds to suppress fusion and solar power? Well they, the Illuminati, control all the world's energy, and, because they monitor all of our energy usage, they can tell who is not watching television and therefore know who is not receiving the subliminal messages that they send to keep the sheep putting their money in banks away from their secret headquarters, a.k.a. Wyoming. As a matter of fact, and again I shouldn't be talking about this, but I believe that it's everybody's right to know that recycling is a myth. All that they do with those bottles and cans is collect DNA samples from your saliva, so that they can clone you. And train your clone to assassinate you and assume your identity, should you go poking your nose into the whole global warming business.

Deb, this is it! This time I stumbled across something that is bigger than anything you could possibly imagine. A threat to the entire human race's existence. Deb, nothing can prepare the world for this. This is the biggest story in the history of humanity ever! Ever, Deb. How I found this out I can't say, but I'm risking my life to tell the world this. Are you prepared for this? People of Los Angeles, vampires walk among us. Hear me out, Deb. Vampires are among us and have been since the dawn of time. And Los Angeles... Well, there's more vampires per person here than anywhere else in the world. People are killed by vampires all the time, but their secret vampire society covers it up. Who blew up that warehouse in Santa Monica? Vampires! What happened to the crew of the Elizabeth Dane? Vampires! Want to know what happened to that sarcophagus that disappeared? Vampires took it. The prince of vampires to be more specific. He wants to use it against a league of other vampires that have been trying to get a foothold in our city. And get this! There could be an even older vampire in the sarcophagus. An ancient super-vampire! It's the truth, Deb. The Undead are all around us. We need to rise up and destroy our evil vampire overlords before it's too late!

Now hold on. You're telling me that Kennedy killed himself after seeing his wife enjoying sex with a snake demon whose travel-tunnel opened up under the White House? You're telling me that London is the capital of the world, that the royal family eat the souls of immigrant children- that Diana was killed by them to prevent the world discovering she had been physically altered to bear reptile babies?
— A journalist asking John Constantine about the truth about the British royal family, moments before John himself is shot. It's all BS- someone asked John to keep the reporter away from the palace and he faked his death to scare him away.

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