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Comedy
"I am none other than Mr. Kehoe Pinney, President of the Campaign Against Filth and Blasphemy... we’re the ones who know what’s disgusting. We don’t have to see a pigsty to know it stinks ladies and gentlemen. It’s an insult to decent, right thinking people. Not that we’d ever have anything to do with it anyway. And even if we did, it wouldn’t harm us. Never! It would never harm us. Only other people, who aren’t as mentally stable and mature as we are. Thank you!"
— Monty Python, "Monty Python's Hastily Cobbled Together For A Fast Buck Album"
in a massive Take That! to the uproar surrounding Monty Python's Life of Brian.
in a massive Take That! to the uproar surrounding Monty Python's Life of Brian. Fan Fiction
"Good evening, sir," a voice said. It sounded Puerto Rican. "We would like to know what we can do to improve the show Dance War."
Andy hadn't actually watched the show, but he had heard of it. It was possible to loathe such things without actually seeing them.
Film — Animated
"We don't like what we don't understand/in fact, it scares us!"
— The mob, Beauty and the Beast
Film — Live Action
Tabitha: It doesn't matter. I'm gonna destroy your play.
Riggan: But, you didn't even... see it. Um, you know, did I do something to offend you? I... I am feeling sorry...
Tabitha: [interrupting] As a matter of fact, you did. You took-up space in a theater which *otherwise* might have been used on something worthwhile.
Riggan: Okay... well. I mean, you don't even know if it's any good or not... I didn't...
Tabitha: That's true; I haven't read a word of it or even seen a preview. But after the opening tomorrow, I'm gonna turn in the worst review anyone has ever read and I'm gonna close your play. Would you like to know why? Because I hate you and everyone you represent. Entitled, selfish, spoiled children. Blissfully untrained, unversed and unprepared to even attempt real art. Handing each other awards for cartoons and pornography. Measuring your worth in weekends? Well this is the theater and you don't get to come in here and pretend you can write, direct and act in your own propaganda piece without coming through me first. So break a leg.
Riggan: But, you didn't even... see it. Um, you know, did I do something to offend you? I... I am feeling sorry...
Tabitha: [interrupting] As a matter of fact, you did. You took-up space in a theater which *otherwise* might have been used on something worthwhile.
Riggan: Okay... well. I mean, you don't even know if it's any good or not... I didn't...
Tabitha: That's true; I haven't read a word of it or even seen a preview. But after the opening tomorrow, I'm gonna turn in the worst review anyone has ever read and I'm gonna close your play. Would you like to know why? Because I hate you and everyone you represent. Entitled, selfish, spoiled children. Blissfully untrained, unversed and unprepared to even attempt real art. Handing each other awards for cartoons and pornography. Measuring your worth in weekends? Well this is the theater and you don't get to come in here and pretend you can write, direct and act in your own propaganda piece without coming through me first. So break a leg.
Literature
"[T]hough Don Juan wished Don Quixote to read more of the book to see what it was all about, he was not to be prevailed upon, saying that he treated it as read and pronounced it utterly silly; and, if by any chance it should come to its author's ears that he had it in his hand, he did not want him to flatter himself with the idea that he had read it; for our thoughts, and still more our eyes, should keep themselves aloof from what is obscene and filthy."
— Don Quixote Part II Chapter LIX.
Live-Action TV
Amy: Well Sheldon, how can you criticize a show you haven't watched yet?
Sheldon: Oh excuse me, are you even aware of the Internet?
Sheldon: Oh excuse me, are you even aware of the Internet?
Bill Oddie: You mean you're gonna condemn that film without even seeing it?!
Mrs Carthorse: Why should I change the habit of a lifetime!
— The Goodies, "Gender Education"
Big Ricky: All right, you can tell Kirby to expect an awful review.
Fish: But you didn't even watch it.
Big Ricky: I save my most scathing reviews for the things I've never seen. It's called being a critic.
Fish: But you didn't even watch it.
Big Ricky: I save my most scathing reviews for the things I've never seen. It's called being a critic.
"I didn't actually see Spitting Image last week, but it was disgusting!"
"He banned Henry Miller. He banned D.H. Lawrence. Giovanni's Room 'cause it's too homosexual! ...He banned Fahrenheit 451, which is about banning books!"
—Jed Bartlet, The West Wing'' ("Two Cathedrals")
"Now, remember; those are the views of the people that were in the Bay Shore Shopping Center last Wednesday, and they're talking about a program that you're watching now, live, for the first time anywhere. Even the ones that claim to have seen it. Makes you wonder about the value of criticism, doesn't it?"
—Ian Fingler, 1979 premiere episode of You Can't Do That on Television
Music
"Come mothers and fathers throughout the land, and don't criticize what you can't understand."
—Bob Dylan, "The Times They Are A-Changin'"
"If you don't like my lyrics, you can press fast forward"
—Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
Theatre
Clark: I didn't say I didn't review it. I said I didn't read it.
Georgina: How could you review it without reading it?
Clark: Easy. First I quoted liberally from the introduction and quarreled with the author's approach. Next, I leafed quickly through and called attention to three typographical errors. Then I praised the illustrations, grumbled about the footnotes, and intimated that the book added little to what had already been written. Result, a scholarly column and all done in exactly fifty-seven minutes.
Georgina: How could you review it without reading it?
Clark: Easy. First I quoted liberally from the introduction and quarreled with the author's approach. Next, I leafed quickly through and called attention to three typographical errors. Then I praised the illustrations, grumbled about the footnotes, and intimated that the book added little to what had already been written. Result, a scholarly column and all done in exactly fifty-seven minutes.
Video Games
"I love going on message boards and complaining about games I never played! TRUE/FALSE"
— Super Paper Mario Hint
Web Comics
Naturally, I have not actually read this book myself, but I feel confident saying that in addition to being utterly depraved and corrupt, the author is obviously an agent of the Lower Planes himself.
Web Original
Sakura: I thought you said you were excited for this game?
Naruto: Of course I am! I am a video game fan! Video game fans all love to complain about video games they never actually played! It is how I maintain my erection!
Western Animation
Candace: (looking at a row of books) Boring, dull, stupid, lame, heavy-handed and derivative.
Linda: Oh, thank you for those insightful reviews of books you haven't read.
—Phineas and Ferb, "The Chronicles of Meap"
Rod Flanders: Daddy, what are you doing?
Ned Flanders: Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody even saw. That's what I'm doing!
Rod Flanders: (pause) Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
Ned Flanders: Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody even saw. That's what I'm doing!
Rod Flanders: (pause) Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
— The Simpsons, "You Kent Always Say What You Want"
Cat Noir: We'd have come to your movie premiere if we'd have known how upset you were gonna get.
Animaestro: Cat Noir and Ladybug.
Ladybug: What's with that trailer too? I'm not scared of cats. At all.
Animaestro: You haven't even seen the movie and you're already slamming it?!
Cat Noir: He does have a point, you know.
Animaestro: Cat Noir and Ladybug.
Ladybug: What's with that trailer too? I'm not scared of cats. At all.
Animaestro: You haven't even seen the movie and you're already slamming it?!
Cat Noir: He does have a point, you know.
—Miraculous Ladybug, "Animaestro"
Real Life
"The highest form of ignorance is rejecting something you know nothing about."
Wayne Dyer
"There exists a social phenomena where something, be it a franchise, genre, or whatever, is hated just on basis and not whether it is. I call it 'Dynasty Warriors Syndrome.' I'm well aware that this syndrome wasn't 'born' with Dynasty Warriors - it actually dates back to the treatments of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Animated shows, female-targeted media, Comedies, and stuff targeted at children. The Dynasty Warriors hatred is just the most loudmouthed. Honestly, I wouldn't ask these people whether or not something's good... I'll ask a fan of that particular work if it's good or not. Because they've done the most research - to appeal to authority, you wouldn't ask an architect if a car design is good, would you?"
Anonymous
"Some people can't fit reading every single comedy article into their schedule. However, they can squeeze in enough time to comment under the ones they were too busy to read, but probably would have hated... I should have written instructions at the start of the article to warn you that the jokes work better if you read them all the way through."
"The biggest critics of things are those that haven't ever experienced it."
A forum post on this phenomena.
Anime & Manga
That's sick. Is it my imagination or has the pedophile market now expanded to anime? This cartoon sex and gorefest is not fit to be shown either to children or to adults. Filth is still filth no matter how much Hollywood tries to wrap it in deceptive marketing.
Film - Live Action
How bad were the Academy Awards this year? ‘And the winner is… a movie from South Korea.’ What the hell is all that about? We’ve got enough problems with South Korea, with trade. On top of that, they give them the best movie of the year. Was it good? I don’t know.”
—Donald Trump on Parasite (2019)'s Best Picture Oscar.
"Nobody would say, or probably even believe, that the academy voters were being racist in their across-the-board rejection of The Color Purple. After all, these were the same voters who gave the movie 11 nominations... Perhaps, all the same, there was a small irony in the fact that the academy passed over a movie about blacks in a white land to give seven Oscars to Out of Africa, a film about whites in a black land.
Perhaps there was another irony in the fact that many influential black writers and leaders denounced The Color Purple for what they saw as a negative portrayal of black men, but none of them denounced Out of Africa, with its vague portraits of tribal blacks who were trotted on screen for a touch of authenticity... The black protests against the film did not cause it to lose, but they helped, by creating a climate in which the voters felt no obligation to honor the film."
Perhaps there was another irony in the fact that many influential black writers and leaders denounced The Color Purple for what they saw as a negative portrayal of black men, but none of them denounced Out of Africa, with its vague portraits of tribal blacks who were trotted on screen for a touch of authenticity... The black protests against the film did not cause it to lose, but they helped, by creating a climate in which the voters felt no obligation to honor the film."
—Roger Ebert, "Looking Back: Why Did The Color Purple Lose All Its Oscar Noms?"
No wonder my screening was so sparsely attended. Or perhaps it was the fact that the advance word on "Pluto Nash" is so bad that the cowardly studio declined to provide an advance screening of any kind in my area, meaning that I had to stare at a blank screen for two hours and make stuff up. The above is probably close enough. It might even be better than the movie.
"Mr. Cranky" justifies himself.
justifies himself."I have never seen a video nasty. I wouldn't.[...]I actually don't need to see visually what I know is in that film."
Literature
"I apologize in advance, because I am going to talk about a book that I have not yet read. To be clear, I intend to read Thomas Piketty’s Capital in the Twenty-First Century...But it’s far down in the queue, and I’m afraid that I can’t wait to weigh in—not on the book itself, but on its topic."
—Megan McArdle, Bloomberg View
"When I said that there had not been a presidential contender or President in the last dozen years who has read or claimed to read Lincoln, they think I am making a joke. Yet even Ronald Reagan affected a knowledge of Lincoln, and told Time magazine that I had got everything wrong because I had described Lincoln watching the dawn from the Oval Office 'when you can't see the dawn from there.' Of course, there is no such scene in the book and, of course, the Oval Office where Ron so eagerly awaited each dawn was not added on to the White House until 1905."
—Gore Vidal, Palimpsest
"Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do."
(hangs his head in shame)
"I did not read Pasternak, but I condemn him."
—A line of unknown origin that became a symbol of blind criticizing for Russians.
What happened? Newspapers write about some Pasternak. As if such writer exists. Until now I’ve never heard of him, never read his books. And I love our literature, classical and Soviet. I love Alexander Fadeyev, love Nikolai Ostrovksy. Their works make us stronger and more honorable. Since my childhood I read and love Mikhail Sholokhov.
We have many good writers. They are our friends and teachers.
And who is Pasternak? Judging from the quotes from his novel it’s obvious that he doesn’t favor the October Revolution. So he is not a writer, he is a White Guard. We, the Soviet People, know that after the October Revolution, the humanity rose up.
My father, famous cattleman on the collective farm #18 in Rostov region, did not get drafted during the Great Patriotic War, he was exempt. But when the Germans pushed on, he volunteered. He even said to us kids: I have to defend the October achievements, we are nobody without them.
I was still a boy but understood it well. Father returned from the war heavily wounded. But he didn’t spill the blood in vain; it was for the right cause. We, three brothers, worked on the collective farm. Then I went on to build the Stalingrad hydroelectric power plant. For the past 6 years I work as a senior operator of the crane-excavator #681. We are finishing the great project on Volga. I work on building a dam. It stormed overnight; there is a lot of damage. It was a difficult night, but today everything is repaired.
But what kind of storm is in the Pasternak’s puddle? Like a frog in a swamp. Sometimes my excavator just picks up a small swamp together with a frog and throws it away.
Frog may be upset and he croaks. But as a builder I don’t have time to listen to this. We are busy.
No, I didn’t read Pasternak. But I know, the literature is better off without frogs.
We have many good writers. They are our friends and teachers.
And who is Pasternak? Judging from the quotes from his novel it’s obvious that he doesn’t favor the October Revolution. So he is not a writer, he is a White Guard. We, the Soviet People, know that after the October Revolution, the humanity rose up.
My father, famous cattleman on the collective farm #18 in Rostov region, did not get drafted during the Great Patriotic War, he was exempt. But when the Germans pushed on, he volunteered. He even said to us kids: I have to defend the October achievements, we are nobody without them.
I was still a boy but understood it well. Father returned from the war heavily wounded. But he didn’t spill the blood in vain; it was for the right cause. We, three brothers, worked on the collective farm. Then I went on to build the Stalingrad hydroelectric power plant. For the past 6 years I work as a senior operator of the crane-excavator #681. We are finishing the great project on Volga. I work on building a dam. It stormed overnight; there is a lot of damage. It was a difficult night, but today everything is repaired.
But what kind of storm is in the Pasternak’s puddle? Like a frog in a swamp. Sometimes my excavator just picks up a small swamp together with a frog and throws it away.
Frog may be upset and he croaks. But as a builder I don’t have time to listen to this. We are busy.
No, I didn’t read Pasternak. But I know, the literature is better off without frogs.
—A (very possibly, fake) letter from Soviet newspaper Literary Newspaper, the closest thing to the previous quote.
from Soviet newspaper Literary Newspaper, the closest thing to the previous quote.A Neapolitan fought fourteen duels to prove that Dante was a greater poet than Ariosto. At his death-bed, his confessor desired him, by way of penance, to acknowledge the superiority of Ariosto. "Father", answered the dying man, "to tell the truth, I never read either Dante or Ariosto."
—Boston Pilot, Saturday, March 14, 1857
Music
"Because guess what? You might not know everything about a genre you refuse to listen to."
—sisabet, Hate the Song, Like the Vid?
Video Games
"(The whole entire object of the game) is to kill, just to kill, and the more you kill the higher the score."
— Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman on Doom. There is no point system in Doom.
Cooper Lawrence: "And here's how they see women, they see them as these objects of desire, as these hot bodies. They don't show women as being valued for anything other than their sexuality. And it's a man deciding how many women he wants to sleep with."
Geoff Keighley: That's completely wrong. First of all you can play as a man or a woman. Have you actually ever played Mass Effect?
Cooper Lawrence: "NO!"
Geoff Keighley: That's completely wrong. First of all you can play as a man or a woman. Have you actually ever played Mass Effect?
Cooper Lawrence: "NO!"
—The Fox News Channel with a textbook example, almost a guide on how to play this trope.
almost a guide on how to play this trope."Gayle Slossberg has a problem: She wants confirmation of the rumored rape scene in Grand Theft Auto IV — but she can't reach that level of the game. The Milford state senator's never played GTA, but she fears it's corrupting the youth and thinks a law requiring better warning labels might be the fix. She told the Nose as much at a Capitol press conference last week."
—New Haven Advocate article.
article.I don't get it.
This is so gay!
To post about vidya,
But you don't even play!
—Yellow Guy, "Don't Shitpost, I'm Scared", /v/: The Musical
"If you don’t intend to PLAY a game you are reviewing, at least research it! Research is the heart and soul of writing! Without the facts, all of your writing in any given field will be ignorant and considered poor."
—A commenter on this EarthBound Central article, on a hilariously inaccurate mid-90s review of EarthBound (1994)
EarthBound Central article, on a hilariously inaccurate mid-90s review of EarthBound (1994) "Bitch about games you've never played here"
Former description of the Youchew gaming forum.
Tell me honestly: how can You state that you played Vangers, if you don't even know the name of currency of the Univang, and this is practically the first thing the game tells to you!!! Where did BEEBEEPS came from????? No, wait. There is one beebeep... in the intro scene. And besides, at this case beebeep is a free interpretation of a mechos honking!
From a fan's response to the review of Vangers in Russian video game journal Navigator Igrovogo Mira. (The in-game money is actually called "beebs".)
to the review of Vangers in Russian video game journal Navigator Igrovogo Mira. (The in-game money is actually called "beebs".)Western Animation
"I don't need to see shit. I can smell shit."
—Rev. Al Sharpton on Coonskin
"Although we here at Wild Cartoon Kingdom have not actually seen this cartoon, we felt it was important to review it anyway.
This is a godawful piece of trash. Don't watch this."
— "Tom Paine, animator and film historian", note in the third issue of "Wild Cartoon Kingdom."
Other
“Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”
—Ann Coulter on the 2014 World Cup
"Recently I have spent all my time among writing tablets and books. 'How is that possible with the races on?' you ask. They're not the kind of spectacle that I find tempting. I marvel that thousands are so childish and long to see, again and again galloping horses pulling men standing in chariots."
Pliny the Younger, 2nd Century Rome.
