Sarcasm Mode, Informed Ability, and Ask a Stupid Question...:
Every once in a while, a student will come up to me and ask, 'Señor Chang, why do you teach Spanish?' They say it just like that. 'Why do you
teach Spanish?' (Beat
) 'Why YOU? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts?
' I mean, surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret
, like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I tell you why I teach Spanish: it's none of your business
, OK? And I don't want to have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am
. I am a Spanish genius
Leaning on the Fourth Wall, Lampshade Hanging and company:
"Well, that's kind of my gimmick. But we did lean pretty hard on that last week... I guess I can lay low for an episode."
(on the announcements that can only be heard in the library) Abed:
"I like it, it makes every ten minutes feel like the new scene of a TV show, of course the illusion only last until someone says something they would never say on TV, like how much their life is like TV, there it's gone." (one minute later) Britta:
"Believe me people are being killed in that country every day, and the worst part is, when it's all over -" Abed:
"-it's going to be as if it never happened. Hey Abed, real stories, they don't have spoilers, you understand that TV and life are different, right?" (Jeff then enters the room to sitcom-style applause from the group)
Crosses the Line Twice:
"The difference between usted
is a matter of formality." Chang: (points to Pierce) Chang:
"Pepe, usted es viejo
. 'You are old.'" Chang: (approaches Abed) Chang:
"Alberto: usted es feo
... 'You are ugly
"Aw, no, you're not, Abed." Abed:
"Thanks." Chang: (looks at Shirley and pumps his fists toward his chest) Chang:
..." Chang: (looks at Troy while flashing Westside gang signs at him) Chang:
"Tupaco. Ustedes estan sucios-
'You are dirty
.'" Troy: "DUDE." Chang:
"Still formal, but plural, because, while both
are dirty, neither are my friends. Okay?"
Makeover Montage, Race Lift, Older Than They Think, Be Yourself, and Person as Verb:
Rousing Speech, Noodle Incident
"Weve known each other for almost two years now. [Cut to an apparently haunted house]
And yeah, in that time Ive given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common. [Cut to a Mexican town, where Pierce is held at gunpoint by drug-runners]
Theyre all different. These drug runners arent going to execute Pierce because hes racist. [Cut to a disused railway station; Jeff is standing on a steam locomotive dressed as an old-fashioned conductor]
Its a locomotive that runs on us. [Cut to an outdoor aquarium]
And the only sharks in that water, [Back to the haunted house]
are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, [Cut to 'Caesar Salad Day']
anchovies, [Cut to the camping trip]
fear and [Cut to an asylum, where everyone is wearing a straightjacket]
the dangers of ingesting mercury. [Cut to bug-infested hotel]
Because the real bugs arent the ones in those beds. [Back to 'Caesar Salad Day']
Theres no such thing as a free Caesar salad, and even if there were, [Cut to Abed's dorm room; everyone is wearing a black cape] The Cape
still might find a second life on cable. And Ill tell you why; [Back to Mexico; in Spanish]
(the heart of the water is truth), [Back to the aquarium]
that water is a lie! [Back to the asylum]
Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions! [And finally, we're back to the study-room]
So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe its just the universes way of molding us into some kind of super group." Troy:
"Like the Travelling Wilburys." Jeff:
"Yes, Troy. Like the Travelling Wilburys, of pain.
Secret Service Agent
: He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg of The Last Airbender
: Where were you a week ago?
Breaking Speech, "Reason You Suck" Speech, Break the Cutie and Take That!
: "Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes deep down that everyone more special than them is sick because healthy sounds so much more exciting than boring. You're average, Britta Perry. You're every kid on the playground that didn't get picked on. You're a business casual potted plant, a human white sale. You're VH-1, Robocop 2
and Back To the Future 3
. You're the center slice of a square cheese pizza - actually, that sounds delicious. I'm
the center slice of a square cheese pizza. You're Jim Belushi."