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Have you ever enjoyed a book so much you wish you could make sweet, sweet love to it? That's how I feel about most Stephen King novels.
— Anon

Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

The milk is now on my bed. Guess where this is going~
Nyx Sparkle, Bronyism

All I'm saying, Jon, is that I want to be sodomized by your Constitution.
John Oliver declares he is gay for America, The Daily Show

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Sarah Jane: Does [the Doctor] still... stroke bits of the TARDIS?
Rose: (laughing) Yes! Yes, he does! I'm like, "Do you two want to be alone?"
Doctor Who, "School Reunion"

The Doctor: Amy, this is... Well... She's my TARDIS. Except she's a woman. She's a woman... And she's my TARDIS.
Amy: She's the TARDIS?!
The Doctor: (getting giddier by the second) And she's a woman! She's a woman... (breathlessly) And she's the TARDIS! (pokes the TARDIS's cheek, grinning)
Amy: ...did you wish really hard?
The Doctor: S-shut up, not like that!
Idris/The TARDIS: Hello! I'm... Sexy.
The Doctor: (embarassed groan) Still shut up!
Doctor Who, "The Doctor's Wife"

Clara: This is the Doctor we're talking about. He's in a codependent relationship with a screwdriver. I mean, if he had to choose between an enormous, complicated machine he could fix with a toolkit and a girl, who would he go with?
The TARDIS: [beeps, lights flicker]
Clara: ...yeah, you're right. Both of them. Using the same toolkit.
Doctor Who, "Clara and the TARDIS"

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Fenris: The way you fondle your weapon is disturbing.
Varric: Hey, I'm a perfect gentleman! In public.

Merrill: Does your bow have a name? Varric's bow has a name.
Sebastian: I'm afraid I can't compete with our dear dwarf's... relationship to his weapon.

(In a conversation about Safe Words)
Inquisitor: What about Varric? Wait, don't tell me — Bianca.
Iron Bull: Ha! No, it would have to be something he wouldn't shout during sex.

Shizuo: Not that I haven’t heard people say "I love you" to me, but I don’t even know if they counted as women or not.
Tom: Hmm? Have you been going to gay bars or transsexual clubs?
Shizuo: No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, they hardly counted as humans to begin with. More like sharp objects...
— A discussion about Shizuo's rather unusual love life, Durarara!!

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Aby: No, the truth is I'm married to my work!
Kell: Um... did you ever have a formal ceremony?
Aby: (blinks at Kell)
Newspaper: Aby Eyeshine to Wed Her Career.

Snake: You should come inside the box, then you'll know what I mean.
Sigint: Man, I don't even wanna know what you mean!

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Debra, my computer. We used to be sweet friends - we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Debra, and less and less time with Patricia, my wife who is now full of trepidation because of my bond with Debra. It's not as if I don't love Patricia - the wife - any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Debra does. And I can't just boot Patricia out. Any suggestions?

Signed, Teched Out


Dear Teched,

Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
— "Man Loves Computer", SimCity 2000 newspaper

"The Maria Narcissa is a BOAT."
"So was the last girl you set me up with..."
Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory

Captain Kirk: ...and then there was Carol. I was on the fast track for command... but the way I felt about her... I was almost ready to give it all up... almost.
Xill: So why are you here? Where is she?
Captain Kirk: That's a complicated story. But the memory of her drives me to try harder with the new female in my life... the Enterprise.
Xill: Your ship is your girlfriend? Creepy...
Star Trek The Manga - Shinsei Shinsei - Orphans

I have never understood the human compulsion to emotionally bond with inanimate objects.
Tuvok, Star Trek: Voyager, "Year of Hell, Part II"

I put my MySpace sexuality status to "not sure" mostly because I just love that that's an option. Who is that for? Who is so confused about their sexuality that they have no idea? Is it some guy who's saying "Dude, I just jerked off to my stove. What was that all about?"
Nick Swardson

Doctor Mrs. The Monarch: What the hell is that thing doing in our bed? Get it out of there!
The Monarch: (smacks her hand away) Don't you f ***ing touch her!
Doctor Mrs. The Monarch: Whoa. What's the matter with you?
Monarch: You're just jealous! That's what's going on here! You - you never supported me and Butter-Glider! EVER!
Doctor Mrs. The Monarch: Okay, wow. I wrote this off as some kinda midlife crisis kinda thing, but this, this is - they don't even have a name for what this is!

Kissing Stapler: The first in a line of office supplies for lonely workers.

Why, hello there! This mic is zetta sexy!
Sho Minamimoto, The World Ends with You

Nobody comes between me and my Blue-Eyes! And anyone foolish enough to try pays the price!
Seto Kaiba, Yu-Gi-Oh!

God, I love this game. I'd have sex with it if my dick fit in the disc.

Since I moved into your place
One year ago today
Our relationship has deepened
In a spiritual way

As time's swept gently forward
And winter's turned to spring
I know you so much better
Cause I've fucked all your things

I put my package in your mailbox
Made love to all your chairs
Dropped a load inside your washer
I went down on all your stairs

I took your cabinets from the front
And your sofas from behind
I looked deep into your vacuum's eyes
And then we sixty-nined

Thanks in advance
For not judging me on
This aspect of my soul
When I dick-smash
All of your belongings
Is when I'm finally whole

I boned you couches and your telephone
And all your scented candles
And your dictionary, fishtank, and the pictures on the mantle

I had sex with your whole kitchen
With no boundaries or limits
And your lamp was looking so good
That you know I had to hit it

Your wallet and your toothbrush
And your jacket and your red hat
Oh, you're mad about the toothbrush?
Just forget I ever said that

And the carpet and the furniture
Your windows and the curtains
And I licked your stamp collection
I dicked your floor for certain

I'm glad I got this off my chest
My soul has taken flight
Don't slam the door on your way out darling
Because I'm slamming it tonight

When he got there, he realized he hadn’t thought of anything to say and instead, stood there dumbly just as Vee leaned over the table to sniff one of the roses poking over the vase closest to her.
“I wish I was that rose,” Graham thought wistfully.
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