Roy: Oh, is that right? (hands Riza his gun) You guys stay out of it.
Riza: Colonel Mustang! Sir!
Scar: "Colonel Mustang?" ...So this is the The Flame Alchemist. Volunteering yourself to receive judgement... this is truly an auspicious day!
Roy: So you know who I am, yet you STILL want to challenge me. Bad decision. (he then makes a small cloud of smoke, forgetting that his powers don't work while it's raining)
(Josuke stops his attack)
Rohan: I guess remarks like those really do set him off. I must admit it's hard to believe, but the files are always accurate. What a preposterous Achilles' Heel.
Josuke: What the hell...did you say?! HUH?! I dare you to insult my hair again!
Rohan: If you insist. Fine, here goes: you might think your hair looks cool, but in actuality, it may be the shittiest hairstyle I've ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon! Though to be fair, that nest atop your useless noggin may come in handy should a pigeon come by and decide to roost, but that's a very strong "may". (pokes Josuke's hair)
(Josuke opens his eyes and attacks with Crazy Diamond; Rohan proceeds to show Josuke his manga)
Rohan: NOW WITNESS HEAVEN'S DOOR! I win.
(Crazy Diamond, now Blinded by Rage, punches through the manga and beats up Rohan, breaking Heaven's Door's effect)
General Ross: And if America's enemies get hold of him?
Samson: Send condolence cards to America's enemies.
Supergirl: Don't you get it, Rebel? You're not important! You never were! You were just - something to do! Something for Supergirl and me to bounce off of for a while until people and events of real consequence came along! Look - Here's the problem. You've done some bad things, but I'm really, really upset right now. So much so that, honestly, I don't trust myself. And if you attack me or I attack you... I will hurt you. I'll hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt in your whole life. I can carve you up as soon as look at you. I can break you, boil you, freeze you. I can do things you can't imagine. Things I can't imagine, until I have to. And then I'll improvise. Part of me is hoping you will attack. And part of me is praying - for your sake, and my own peace of mind - that you don't. It's up to you.
Hawkeye: Don't goad him, Moonstone! For Pete's sake, he's a Greek God!
Superboy shrugs an energy beam off
Superboy: You know, you shouldn't knock "snappy patter"! It's a handy way for someone like me to keep up a sunny disposition when I have to take time out of a busy day to deal with someone like you! Know what I mean?
Biker: I—I don't believe it— Not even a smudge! You just ain't human!
Ginger: Big (bleep)ing whoop, we beat Piccolo, and that guy's strong as shit!
Gohan: Yeah? So did my dad!
Ginger: By himself?!
Garlic Jr.: ...Oh god, your father's Goku. Oh my GOD, you morons stole Goku's kid?! How?! How did you steal Goku's kid?!
Cinnamon: Well, first we beat up his wife...
Garlic: Oh my shit.
Tifa: (starts chuckling)
Scarlet: Why are you laughing?! Stop laughing! I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO LAUGHS!!
Tifa: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just- (snerk) It's funny that you think that's what's gonna happen.
Scarlet: Yes, that's exactly what-
Tifa: (still smiling) No, shut the f*ck up, this is what's going down - I'm going to beat the f*ck out you so badly, that your face will be my new bowl I eat my Tankceratops cereal out of. And yes, your blood will be the milk. But, since I'm such a good girl, I can let you off with that warning... if you tell me where Cloud is.
Scarlet: H-HOW DARE YOU?! (slaps Tifa) I will not be spoken down to by filthy, slum, gutter trash! You are in the presence of the baron-
Tifa: (uppercuts her and sends into the water below) Bow down, bitch.
Boomerang and Mirror Master had tried their luck with Batman. He'd warned them against it. Did they listen? Hell, no! They got their butts handed to them, Boomy more than once. Served 'em right.
Thrax: Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
Darkseid: You dare! YOU DARE!? (Throws Batman into a column) I could destroy you with a single blast of my Omega Beams.
Batman: You could, but that wouldn't stop the hellspores, would it? (Darkseid throws Batman into a wall)
Tony: The Avengers. It's what we call ourselves; sort of like a team. "Earth's Mightiest Heroes"-type thing.
Loki: (smirking) Yes. I've met them.
Tony: Yeah. Takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But... let's do a headcount here: your brother, the demi-god; the super-soldier, a living legend who kinda lives up to the legend; a man with breathtaking anger management issues; couple of master assassins and you, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan.
The Incredible Hulk: (grabs Loki by the legs for some Metronomic Man Mashing) Puny god.
Bane: (puts his hand on Daggett's shoulder) Do you feel in charge?
Iosef: Who? The fuckin' nobody?
Viggo: That "fuckin' nobody"... is John Wick.
Takmet: (walking forward with a goblet in hand) And what people would that be, Balthazar? You are the ruler of nothing... but a pile of rocks and sand.
(Balthazar grabs Takmet's hand and squeezes it so hard the goblet audibly crushes, forcing Takmet to his knees in pain)
Balthazar: If I'm no king... why are you on your knees before me?
Dumbledore: Professor Umbridge ran afoul of our centaur herd. I think you, Horace, would have known better than to stride into the forest and call a horde of angry centaurs "filthy half-breeds."
Slughorn: That's what she did, did she? Idiotic woman. Never liked her.
Drake: Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship.
Delenn: Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me; you are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.
Stephen Colbert: Tell me what?
Smaug: Never laugh at a live dragon, motherf*BLEEP*!
Dorium Maldovar: That you pricked the side of a mighty beast, Madame Kovarian, and entirely failed to run.
Varys: Ten silver stags maybe.
Tywin: Make it a hundred.
There's just no limits to the boundaries you push
I warned you but still you just fuck with my mind,
There's no escape from this rage that I feel,
Nothing is real
I love to see you beg
Dream this moment as you run away
You will only separate me from
All I believe this moment
You're the one who kept on pushing
Till I made you bleed
For a young and ill-trained party
To gather at a tavern and to say
"We have had it with our teachers.
Let's go off and kill some creatures,
And find a ton of gold to haul away."
And that is called bashing the balrog
And the people who long to attack
Think, once they have bashed on the balrog,
The balrog will not bash them back
It is equally foolhardy for that armed and eager party
To win one lucky battle and feel sure,
"We have polished off a goblin,
But he left our fighter hobblin'.
Perhaps this magic potion is the cure."
And that can make bashing the balrog
Too much for the cleric and elf,
Who find, when they're facing the balrog,
That their fighter is not quite himself.
It is even more foolhardy for the changed and weakened party
To stare back at the balrog and to say
"We can zap and we can bite you.
We are quite prepared to fight you.
We suggest you turn around and fly away."
And that's called insulting the balrog,
For balrogs aren't easy to bluff.
They know, with a competent balrog,
No army is half strong enough.
And it's just a bit too tardy when a member of the party
Succeeds at his IQ roll and exclaims
"Try a Light spell or Entangle
While I get a better angle,
For I think I know a way to douse his flames."
And that is called fleeing the balrog,
And those who are wiser agree:
While comrades are bashing the balrog,
It's safest to go climb a tree.
It is almost as foolhardy for the others in the party
To bravely join the fray with spell and sword.
It has no chance of destroying.
At the worst you'll be annoying,
And at best you'll keep the foe from being bored.
And that is called bashing the balrog.
But should any witness survive,
He'll see, once you've bashed on the balrog,
The balrog will skin you alive.
So no matter just how hardy be the fools within your party,
And no matter just how lucrative your aim,
If it ever is suggested
You can get by unmolested,
You should rise and pound the table and exclaim,
"We never can win against balrogs,
However the dice might be tossed.
For the rules of this game are obscure and arcane,
And the party that plays it is lost!"
Caesar: I wonder why they don't teach that in school?
Martial Arts Master: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tae Kwon Leap. Approach me that you might see.
Ed Gruberman: All right! Finally some action!
Martial Arts Master: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (WHUMP!)
Ed Gruberman: Owww! You booted me in the head!
The Dragonborn: I don't have time for this.
Cop 1: Shut up. You found anything back there?
Cop 2: "Found anything?" He's got half of Mexico in here! Must be two tons of Mary here!
D.A.: What? But... but I've never seen... how could it have...?
Cop 1: Eloquent defense you got there, buddy! (slams D.A.'s head into the windshield)
Imagine you're a goon from the Fear Nothing Foundation. The bosses told you to pick up the big-headed freak kid. Piece of cake. You strut up, towering over the little one sitting on the seesaw (and really, is there anything lonelier than one person sitting on a seesaw?). You kind of enjoy the imbalance of power. You grin. The boy looks up at you with a face a kindergartener should not be able to make. You feel undead moths flutter inside you. You feel transparent. Naked. The stomach dropping sensation that someone knows that secret about you, the one you prayed no one would ever find out, the one that you try to forget, because it shatters the self-image you have of yourself.
"Please, sir, would you do me the kindness of forgetting how to breathe?"
Steele: Studded leather armor, shortswords, and bows.
Dang: And they are willing to attack what must appear to them to be a group of flying, flaming weaponmasters?
Jill: They're bandits, not brain surgeons!
Lois Lane: Clark, you're in denial.
Superman: It keeps me from killing him, Lois.
Narrator: Anyone with half a brain would know that this question, asked in this tone of voice, by a man of this size, has exactly one correct answer.
Enireth Frat Boy G: Yes I am. What are you going to do about it?
Narrator: That was not it.
(the cat jumps out of the tree and attacks a horrified Arthur)
Arthur: (now very beaten-up) Apparently not as big a doofus as I am.
Anarch: Whoa! Who says he'll kill me? He may feel enlightened, maybe thank me and join my side.
Punchline: Right. Which of these is he more likely to say? (holds up a Cosmic Crusader puppet on his right foot) "My one true love is dead. All good and hope is folly! I will now aid her killer in world conquest" or (holds up a Cosmic Crusader puppet on his left foot) "Well, fuck. Y'know, I always wanted to see if I could pull a nervous system outta someone without tearing it. And look! A volunteer!"
"We had ourselves a lynching party last night for that mutant SOB!"
"How'd it go?"
"Well, we lost about seven people, and the mutant survived. But we think itll go better next time!"