"Shirotabi, please forgive me for bringing you back to life! I know now that it could never work between us. As much as I wanted to, it could never be! Not because you're a rabbit... but because you're black."
— Mio Imai, Ghost Stories
Sora: Where do mermaids come from?
Ariel: Well, when a man loves a dolphin more than society says he should...
Ariel: Well, when a man loves a dolphin more than society says he should...
"His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they... caught him at it one day."
"Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep."
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep."
— The Balladeer, Blackadder, "Chains"
"Do you know that I walked in on my fiancé trying to fuck his dog?"
— Elizabeth Halsley, Bad Teacher
"Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit! The big guy is gonna cornhole that ass! With his wiener!"
— Jay, Clerks II
James Potter: No. Bestiality would apply if I were a human f***ing a deer. But I'm a deer f***ing a deer. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Sirius Black: STOP IT! STOP IT! THAT'S GROSS!
James Potter: Oh, come on, you've never f***ed a dog?
Sirius Black: What?! NO!
James Potter: LIAR! [...] Peter, you f*** rats, don't you?
Peter Pettigrew: EW, NO!
James Potter: I mean when you're a rat.
Peter Pettigrew: Oh, yeah, of course.
Sirius Black: STOP IT! STOP IT! THAT'S GROSS!
James Potter: Oh, come on, you've never f***ed a dog?
Sirius Black: What?! NO!
James Potter: LIAR! [...] Peter, you f*** rats, don't you?
Peter Pettigrew: EW, NO!
James Potter: I mean when you're a rat.
Peter Pettigrew: Oh, yeah, of course.
Buddy Love: Well, if it isn't Professor Sherman Klump, the inventor of Jumbo the Horny Hamster.
Dean Richmond: PLEASE!
Dean Richmond: PLEASE!
Leela: Is that a hobbit?
Bender: No, it's a hobo and a rabbit... but they're making a hobbit.
Bender: No, it's a hobo and a rabbit... but they're making a hobbit.
"What in carnation?! My whore and my horse are cahootin' against me! Go make y'rself useful, hooker, and find me that damn map mak'r!"
— Lucious Cowpussy, Brandon Rogers, "Normal Western Movie"
Asif Mandvi: Larry Wilmore is a chicken-fucker. And from what I understand, the sex is not always consensual.
Jon Stewart: [startled, stammering somewhat] ...W-Well, I mean, to be fair to Larry... is chicken-sex ever really consensual?
Jon Stewart: [startled, stammering somewhat] ...W-Well, I mean, to be fair to Larry... is chicken-sex ever really consensual?
Bennett: What could possibly happen with two naked people? And in water! Not just any water, but warm water!
Caption: Oh, I can think of fifty different things they can do. Sixty if you threw in a few otters.
Caption: Oh, I can think of fifty different things they can do. Sixty if you threw in a few otters.
— Bennett the Sage, sporking "Welcome to the Emo Parade"
"A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that every single night, he has a recurring dream wherein he fucks his horse repeatedly. The shrink asks whether the horse is male or female, to which the man responds 'Female, of course! What kind of pervert do you think I am?'"
— A joke
"Came the day that TC fucked the chicken."
— Preacher
A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey, old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dock builder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for thirty-five years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
The old man starts to cry again. "But you screw one goat..."
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dock builder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for thirty-five years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."
The old man starts to cry again. "But you screw one goat..."
— Old joke and former trope namer
Neal Horsley: Before I surrendered myself to the Lord Jesus Christ, I was an absolute hedonist. I smoked dope, I did everything that might feel good... Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I...
Alan Colmes: You had sex with animals?
NH: Absolutely. I was a fool.
AC: You had sex with animals?
NH: When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.
AC: Ah, I'm not so sure that that is so...
NH: That's because you didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia. The fact of the matter is if they have... don't know that you experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naïve. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.
Alan Colmes: You had sex with animals?
NH: Absolutely. I was a fool.
AC: You had sex with animals?
NH: When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.
AC: Ah, I'm not so sure that that is so...
NH: That's because you didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia. The fact of the matter is if they have... don't know that you experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naïve. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.
— Fundies Say the Darndest Things, 6DB4
"You have no right to judge me! You weren't there! I was a stupid teenager! I was horny! And it was a really cute horse!"
— Sweden, Scandinavia and the World
England: I'm painting [the sheep] on purpose because you twats keep stealing them! This way I can tell if it's my sheep you're running around with! What do you even do with them!?
Netherlands: We used to shag them, but we can't anymore because it's illegal now or whatever.
Netherlands: We used to shag them, but we can't anymore because it's illegal now or whatever.
Ramen: The past does not define who you are but gives you a starting point for who you're going to be.
Robo: Unless you f**ked a sheep. Cause then you're a sheep f**ker. You really can't change that.
Robo: Unless you f**ked a sheep. Cause then you're a sheep f**ker. You really can't change that.
— This Art of Trolling post
Art of Trolling post"There's a lot you can get out of goats. You can get cheese, you can get wool, you can get sex..."
— Stephen Fry, QI
Lawyer: This is entrapment! My client was visiting close personal friends in that motel.
Sergeant Reed: Buddy, your client's "close personal friends" were a non-union video crew and a German shepherd!
Sergeant Reed: Buddy, your client's "close personal friends" were a non-union video crew and a German shepherd!
"These [electricity-proof full-body condom] suits are also available in the appropriate size for household pets and equine companions, though like many things in the porn industry it's best not to think why."
— "Sara's Little Purple Book" (an In-Universe handbook for applying Power Perversion Potential), Whateley Universe
(an In-Universe handbook for applying Power Perversion Potential), Whateley Universe"Guess what, Trevor? Every morning, I get here a half hour early and I sexually assault a starfish!"
— Ron Burgundy, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her old dog a bone,
But when she bent over, Rover took over
'Cause Rover had a bone of his own!
To get her old dog a bone,
But when she bent over, Rover took over
'Cause Rover had a bone of his own!
— Joke by Jimi Hendrix
"We as a culture have become so desensitized that sex with animals has become funny. We [have] grasped the concept and mocked it."
— Kyle Kallgren from Brows Held High on Vase de Noces
Aubrey: Well, I'm sorry that my porno lacks the intimacy of being mounted and mastered by a koala bear in front of a pack of pre-schoolers taking a field trip to the zoo!
Monette: Please don't mock the moment that Mr. Chim-chim and I had together, Aubrey.
Monette: Please don't mock the moment that Mr. Chim-chim and I had together, Aubrey.
Terrence: You are such a pig fucker, Phillip.
Phillip: Terrence, why would you call me a pig fucker?
Terrence: Let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
[Beat]
Phillip: Oh... yeah!
Phillip: Terrence, why would you call me a pig fucker?
Terrence: Let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
[Beat]
Phillip: Oh... yeah!
"[Pinkie] fucked a snail! I watched her fuck a snail once. That sounds weird, right, just hearing me say it. Imagine how weird it was to see it. She fucked. A snail."
— Spike, PONY.MOV, "PARTY.MOV"
"You can't fuck puppies. At least you SHOULDN'T."
— Ingram, VA-11 HALL-A
"Trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Implications... unpleasant."
— Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 2
Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes. You see...
Louie: Tony, please, no! I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes. You see...
Louie: Tony, please, no! I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo!
Bosha: So I said to him, it's my goat, I've been tending goats since I was four years old...
Kob: ...Right, right.
Bosha: ...and I'd know if my goat was in love with you.
Kob: For God's sake.
Bosha: And he says to me, I know your goat is in love with me.
Kob: So you said "how?", Bosha?
Bosha: So I said, "how?" And he says, well, she fucks me, doesn't she?
Kob: And that's when you hit him.
Bosha: Right across the eyes with a shovel. And now the headman says I have to pay the bastard money because he went blind.
Kob: Not fair.
Bosha: So I says to him, "You didn't think he was gonna go blind fucking a goat with mange?"
Kob: That woulda been your fault too.
Bosha: I would have gotten blamed for that too. But what am I supposed to do when I find my goat laying on its side in the field, fucked within an inch of its life, and a naked man with blood and straw all over his peck?
Kob: Hit him with a shovel!
Bosha: Fuckin' right, I hit him with a shovel!
Kob: ...Right, right.
Bosha: ...and I'd know if my goat was in love with you.
Kob: For God's sake.
Bosha: And he says to me, I know your goat is in love with me.
Kob: So you said "how?", Bosha?
Bosha: So I said, "how?" And he says, well, she fucks me, doesn't she?
Kob: And that's when you hit him.
Bosha: Right across the eyes with a shovel. And now the headman says I have to pay the bastard money because he went blind.
Kob: Not fair.
Bosha: So I says to him, "You didn't think he was gonna go blind fucking a goat with mange?"
Kob: That woulda been your fault too.
Bosha: I would have gotten blamed for that too. But what am I supposed to do when I find my goat laying on its side in the field, fucked within an inch of its life, and a naked man with blood and straw all over his peck?
Kob: Hit him with a shovel!
Bosha: Fuckin' right, I hit him with a shovel!
"The dogs and horses on the estate just loved you; indeed, all the animals were your best friends, and you expressed your appreciation for them in no uncertain terms. For your services, they rewarded you with their utter adoration... and an advanced case of brucellosis, a virus that causes spontaneous abortion in animals and remittent fever in human beings."
— The Revolting Revenant, Vampire: The Masquerade — Ghouls: Fatal Addiction
Krillin: What'd you do?
Daiz: Something so evil that I am forever on Santa's naughty list!
Yamcha: Geez, compared to these guys, what could you have possibly—
Daiz: I raped Rudolph.
[dramatic slow zoom into Daiz's eyes as evil laughter and the pained cries of a reindeer are heard]
Tien: Dibs on not fighting that guy.
Daiz: Something so evil that I am forever on Santa's naughty list!
Yamcha: Geez, compared to these guys, what could you have possibly—
Daiz: I raped Rudolph.
[dramatic slow zoom into Daiz's eyes as evil laughter and the pained cries of a reindeer are heard]
Tien: Dibs on not fighting that guy.
Cloud: What kind of experiment do you need them for, anyway?
Professor Hojo: Ohhhhhhhhh! You really want to know?
Barret: He is alarmingly excited for that questioooon!
Professor Hojo: You see, the Cetra and Subject XIII's race are both a dying breed. Soooooooooo, in order to continue their bloodlines...
Cloud: Ohhhhh, nooooo…
Professor Hojo: That's right! Just like all of my other experiments, I'M GOING TO BREEEEEED THEM!!!! [laughs maniacally]
[Beat]
Tifa: Ewwwwwwwwww!!
Cloud: IS THAT WHAT YOU DO HERE?!?
Professor Hojo: All day, every day. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.
Barret: What happens when they don't work?
Professor Hojo: Flush 'em down the toilet.
[cut to footage of the boss Aps, who is named "Sebastian" by Aerith]
Tifa: WHYYYYYYY?!
Professor Hojo: Ohhhhhhhh! You wanna know why? BECAUSE THIS! IS! MY! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFETIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!! [laughs like a madman again]
Professor Hojo: Ohhhhhhhhh! You really want to know?
Barret: He is alarmingly excited for that questioooon!
Professor Hojo: You see, the Cetra and Subject XIII's race are both a dying breed. Soooooooooo, in order to continue their bloodlines...
Cloud: Ohhhhh, nooooo…
Professor Hojo: That's right! Just like all of my other experiments, I'M GOING TO BREEEEEED THEM!!!! [laughs maniacally]
[Beat]
Tifa: Ewwwwwwwwww!!
Cloud: IS THAT WHAT YOU DO HERE?!?
Professor Hojo: All day, every day. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.
Barret: What happens when they don't work?
Professor Hojo: Flush 'em down the toilet.
[cut to footage of the boss Aps, who is named "Sebastian" by Aerith]
Tifa: WHYYYYYYY?!
Professor Hojo: Ohhhhhhhh! You wanna know why? BECAUSE THIS! IS! MY! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFETIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!! [laughs like a madman again]
2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
"Yes, that's a very convincing bugbear. But you wanted my opinion, and I still think it would be bestiality. Just don't do it."
— Starlight Glimmer, My Little Pony: Totally Legit Recap, "Student Counsel"
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery asked himself...
[top half of a drawing of Alex and a horse having sex]
Alex: Okay, I... I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here. [looks at Sean's podium] Yeah, yeah. That's a horse having sex with me. Okay, that's beautiful.
Sean: Come on, you pansy. Let the people see my work!
Alex: No, we're not going to do that. Okay?
[top half of a drawing of Alex and a horse having sex]
Alex: Okay, I... I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here. [looks at Sean's podium] Yeah, yeah. That's a horse having sex with me. Okay, that's beautiful.
Sean: Come on, you pansy. Let the people see my work!
Alex: No, we're not going to do that. Okay?
— Saturday Night Live, "Celebrity Jeopardy"
And after the time of writing of these things befell a very sad accident of the like foul nature in this government, this very year [1642], which I shall now relate. There was a youth whose name was Thomas Granger. He was a servant to an honest man of Duxbury, being about 16 or 17 years of age [...] He was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same, with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves, and a turkey.
— William Bradford, Of Plymouth Plantation
"If you don't find a nice girl in Colorado, just remember, there's plenty of mountain sheep."
— Israel Swan, Cannibal! The Musical
"Dear Gog... One of my researchers is absolutely obsessed with a particular Rathian he has been observing. So much so that he rarely returns to base anymore to report. I ask that you do something about it before things get... weird."
— The description for the "Fool's Mate" quest, Monster Hunter: World
Fundy: Uh, basically [...] I wasn't alive during these times, but I think, um... Wilbur fucked a salmon.
Jack: Wow, you really– that's disgusting!
— Fundy on his origins, Dream SMP
"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can it be rape?"
— Joke by Marek Larwood
"I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff. I'd shag an owl because whatever position you took it from you could always get eye contact. Or shag a kitten. You know? Could you imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards?"
It's ironic for a book with the title 'Call me Dave' that Dave is the last thing people are going to be calling him from now on. Then again, I suppose Asda aren't going to allow a book on their shelf with the title 'Call me Pigfucker', as so many customers would assume it was Piers Morgan's autobiography.
The interesting thing for me is that because the allegation is that he did it in a roomful of people wearing dinner jackets it's sort of Ok. If someone had walked in on him doing it alone in his constituency office he'd have had to resign. Boris was a member of this club too, so maybe he's done the pig thing as well? In his case, it'd be worse, because that'd be incest.
The interesting thing for me is that because the allegation is that he did it in a roomful of people wearing dinner jackets it's sort of Ok. If someone had walked in on him doing it alone in his constituency office he'd have had to resign. Boris was a member of this club too, so maybe he's done the pig thing as well? In his case, it'd be worse, because that'd be incest.
Claudia hat 'nen Schäferhundnote
Und den hat sie nicht ohne Grundnote
Abends springt er in ihr Bettnote
Und dann geht es rund!note
Und den hat sie nicht ohne Grundnote
Abends springt er in ihr Bettnote
Und dann geht es rund!note
— Die Ärzte, "Claudia hat 'nen Schäferhund"
Thor: It is uncertain, Thialfi, from whence Sturm and Drang truly came. It is said by some that the great slavering bitch known as the Fenris Wolf was in heat, and lay with Surtur the fire demon, and that Sturm and Drang are the result of that union.
Baldur: On second thought, I will have an ale. Hope is to obliterate the mental picture our lord Thor has just placed in my mind.
Baldur: On second thought, I will have an ale. Hope is to obliterate the mental picture our lord Thor has just placed in my mind.
— Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics) volume 4 #7
Catherine Foundling: Every single joke about northerners and sheep has also been made about goblins and goats.
Robber: Calumny. That hardly ever happens unless the goat is shaved and painted green.
Robber: Calumny. That hardly ever happens unless the goat is shaved and painted green.
Mr. Muggins: What's a nice girl like you doing with an old cow?
Girl with Cow: I'm taking her to the bull.
Mr. Muggins: "To the bu—" Oh! Couldn't your father do that?
Girl with Cow: No, it has to be the bull.
Girl with Cow: I'm taking her to the bull.
Mr. Muggins: "To the bu—" Oh! Couldn't your father do that?
Girl with Cow: No, it has to be the bull.
Without thinking, you swallow the entire bottle of pills. "Say, this stuff is ok!" you think.
But, wait! Soon your breathing becomes heavy. Soon you become horny! Soon you must have relief! You've got to do something, and NOW!
You wonder about the location of that cute, little dog you met outside.
"All hail Prince Achmed, the Tigerfucker!"
Pee'xar soldiers (being genuinely supportive), Twisted
"Those of you drawing me with horses... Y'all are into some fucked up shit, and I hope y- I hope you get the help you need."
Mori Calliope, hololive
"Carl. Uh, I don't really know that much about Carl. Oh! Loves animals. Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room."
—Frank Gallagher about his son Carl Gallagher, Shameless (US) (1x01)
